On Tuesday I got to the Brigham by 6am. When I got to John's room what I saw shocked me.

He could barely breathe. His arm had swollen up so that he couldn't move it. He was trying to get on a gurney so that he could go to ct but the nurse and orderly decided to give up after he couldn't gain the strength to get onto the gurney.

I had no idea what to do.

I decided to go across the street into work and grab a few things and come right back. I stopped and spoke to one of the nurses on the way out and asked her what she thought about his condition and she said it was time to circle the wagons.

I still didn't know what to do- so instead I fell apart.

I went into work and told them things weren't looking good but the dr. had not been in yet so I didn't know for sure. That I would be back later and keep them posted. When I got back to the Brigham he seemed to be doing a little better. His mother was on the way and so was the dr. We chatted a bit about absolutely nothing and everything. We talked about the wedding and about how our friends would get along. Kathy came- so i had to leave.

I went to go see my father at the rehab and then came back a little after lunch.

The Dr. had said the reaction to the chemo was what they expected and nothing was too alarming. So I thought things were ok. A couple of friends came to see him. The day passed and though I debated calling his father in Hawaii I waited since the Dr. said it was a normal reaction to all of the chemo. He had a roomate so after dinner and hanging around awhile more I left. We talked through the night a couple of times. He was getting more scared as was I. But I told him to try to rest and I would be there by 5.

Wednesday morning I got to his room and things had drastically changed. He no longer could breathe through just the cannula- they had switched him to the mouth mask which he hated. He kept sitting up trying to gasp for air. The look in his eyes said it all. He was petrified.

I went over to work after spending a little time with him and told them I would not be back until after he was gone. They looked at me like I was crazy- that he was only going through a rough patch with the chemo- but I knew better. I called his father and told him he needed to leave Hawaii. He said he would talk to the Dr. and see but it was probably just a rough patch.

I went back to the Brigham and by the time I got there they were switching him to a room closer to the nursing station. I called his friend Mike to come down. He did and we sat with him through the morning. By midday once again he was feeling better. Mike and Nick- who had gotten there as well- took me down to au bon pain to get something to eat. I realized I hadn't eaten since Sunday but was too nervous to really have anything. Nick gave me a book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross on Death and Dying and I remember thinking- is this really happening?

They convinced me to go to a mandatory training for work that afternoon- it was just next door and they would stay with him- plus his mother was due to get there and that meant I couldn't be there.

I went to the training and fell apart halfway through it and had to leave. I ran into his mother walking back to the Brigham and she said to go back to work- but I couldn't do that either. So I wandered around for an hour or so and then went backto see him.

He was joking around a little and they had changed him to a shovel mask so it didn't cover his mouth which he liked a lot better. They said he was still oxygen starved so they started him on some morphine. I spoke to his dad again who said the Dr. said to hold off on flying out here.

John wanted me to go home and get some rest so I left.

March 8, 2004

Sunday I was not able to see John so instead I spent it with a couple of friends of his trying to figure out how to get him out of the house and into a place that would accomodate him.

Monday- the 8th. We had appointments at the Farber. They were going to try a last ditch chemo. Or at least that's what I later came to find out. Originally they told us that it was something that they were going to try- just throw everything they had into it. It was a lethal mix of drugs. So highly toxic that it scared the both of us but John insisted on trying. He wasn't ready to give up.

Because they needed to monitor his fluid input and output they decided to admit him to the brigham. It took a few hours to get him admitted and settled in. But once he was in his room he became the John that I had been missing the past few weeks. He was flirtacious and funny, smiling and happy but in his eyes i could see he was scared.

I left late that night- around midnight. As had gotten to become habitual I called the cabbie that always drove me home and left him. There was no reason for me to stay and I would be back in the morning before work. Almost as soon as I got home I had 2 texts from him begging me to come back and spend the night there. I said no- I would see him again in 5 short hours and to just get some sleep and that I loved him.

March 6, 2004

On Saturday morning John's mother got called into work. Neither one of us had ever been as happy to be able to spend some time together. Kathy refused to leave John alone and arranged for his aunt to come over but she didn't care if i was there. I took the bus stopping at CVS for his favorite white cranberry strawberry juice and finally got to him.
He was in a lot worse shape than hen I had seen him at the farber on Wednesday and that scared me. We had to crank his oxygen up to high just in order for him to move from the bed to the couch. We snuggled up on the couch and watched a movie. I remember thinking - Is this the last time we are going to be able to do this? He fell asleep but i woke him up before I had to leave. We couldn't let Kathy see me so I left but told him I would see him at the Farber on Monday

so the anniversary is coming up...this year all the days match up with the days of the week which makes it a little more real to remember exactly what was happening. I am going to try to write about the events as they happened which will be the first time i have told anyone what really happened over the course of the week that changed my life forever... i need to get this out. I need to look past the pain that was and see the beauty that is left behind....

March 5, 2004

John had been given 1-3 months to live on February 17th. His father had flown out and his parents met with the Drs while john and I had sat in the infusion room. He didn't want to know the specifics of what was going to happen or what could happen. He wanted to keep fighting. He was so stubborn.
On the 1st John's dad and stepmom left for Hawaii for 2 weeks. John really didn't want him to go but Pat said nothing was going to happen while he was away and the Drs and John knew how to reach him. By the 4th John was having a hard time talking on the phone to me at all. He was at home and part of the time his mom wouldn't let him talk to me and the other part of the time he was too weak and tired to talk.
I said to John the morning of the 5th that I would be over that night. But John told me his mother was forbidding me to come over. That I would not be allowed to see him - and at this point we were both very scared that the next time I would see him he would no longer be here on this earth. I told him not to worry too much we would work something out. That was Friday.

So this week-- in the midst of a lot of soul searching and figuring things out (which by the way J just called and I didn't have the impulse to throw up so must be making some progress)- I was talking with a very good friend.
She said to me that I always bend to fit the guy- what he wants and if I don't match his criteria then I think I don't have a shot. So then she asked me what kind of guy do I want- what would be my criteria... and the only answer that I could give her was that I want John.
And that is the honest truth.
And that is the heartbreaking impossibility.
So now I am trying to figure out what about him I would want in another person. There were so many qualities about him that I loved.
All that it boils down to is that I still miss my best friend-- and I am still looking for that in another.... one day I hope to find it.

heartbroken

so J and I are no longer...
he met another girl... or I should say he has known another girl...
he is in love with me and loves me very much... but has known her longer and has started to fall in love with her....
I am heartbroken... but am happy for him and have no ill feelings whatsoever... wish I could be mad at him... I have to see him every day and it might help to be mad... but instead I am just sad....

I am back out and dating.. and I have hope... but mostly I am just feeling defeated lately... that I once had everything and now I have nothing... and all I want is the one person I will never be able to have....
hopefully one day someone will come along to change that....
in the meantime...

note to self

Dear Self

In case a time ever comes where you cannot remember this time in your life....

you are incredibly happy. happier than you have been in such a long time. joyful even.

you love.

you have beautiful people around you. both near and far. they are what make you. they are the reason that you have made it these past years and the reason that you will always make it. they make you laugh every single day.they love you and you them. they have added to your life in ways you have never imagined.

you have a job but more than that you have a job that you love. even when it aggrevates you to no end and you feel like walking away you love it too much to do that any time soon. your coworkers are some of the best people and you have fun there.

you miss him but not like you used to-- or at least not most days. but that's ok because it's not like you ever forget him and self you will never need to be reminded about that great man because he is a part of you and who you have become.

you have a life. a wonderful life. a life with meaning. full of joy and love and even purpose. a life filled with new life- filled with babies that are the most wonderful little humans you could ever imagine.

you love. and self that is the most wonderful discovery after these years of not knowing if that would be possible again. and even better you have learned to love
yourself.

there have been 14 babies born this summer in my life. 14 friends that have such beautiful babies. there are 8 boys and 6 girls and all of them are completely healthy (auntie kyle is completely broke from spoiling them too much).

to be surrounded by new life has been so wonderful for me. it reminds me that life can be beautiful and untouched by the negative. that sometimes it is absolutely perfect.

there is such joy around me right now and i just want to make sure i look back and appreciate this moment.

ps- everything with j is amazing

thinking in new ways

in typical fashion- i am kicking myself because i spent 3 years of my life trying to make c love me and he never did.

but now i am going to think in a new way

if i had just been with john and then with j (new guy) and not had c--- i would have never appreciated what a wonderful man j is.

going from a good guy to a good guy would have never taught me anything

going from a good guy--- to a not so good guy--- to a good guy-- has taught me everything i ever needed to know--- at least for now

i had posted this on f---book at the 5 year mark. i don't ever want to lose it so am going to post it here too.

How can it be 5 years?

Five years without his voice, without his laugh, his smile, his words, his love. Five years of missing him, of missing us, of missing the person I got to be with him.

Five years of watching some of the people in his life come and go out of mine. Not being ok with that because they are my only links to him. Learning to live with it anyway. Knowing his friends have moved forward- gotten married, bought houses, moved, had babies—thinking how much he would have loved all of it. Realizing they struggle just as much as I do sometimes.

Five years of wondering what would have been. Would our wedding have been everything we were planning? Would our marriage have been everything we hoped for? Where would we have ended up living? Would the dream of Isabella or Anthony/ Andrew/ Michael have happened yet? Would we have been happy?

Five years of time marching forward. He would have been 35 now. Instead I have outlived him by a year and a half. That was never supposed to happen. When you fall in love with an older man- he is always supposed to be older. Instead- he is forever 30. Who dies when they’re 30? How does that make any sense at all?

Five years of making mistakes. Of being the one left to live life and therefore coming to some incorrect decisions. But also five years of learning to live with the mistakes and to keep on going. Time spent second guessing. Wishing that there could be some do-overs in life but knowing that sometimes it’s just not possible. Hoping to take some words back and wishing that others were said. Missing a lot of people and not just the one that is forever missing.

Five years of walking in the doors to work wondering why couldn’t they have saved him? They are able to save so many. How is it possible that these wonderful people were not able to save him? Aren’t they the best in the world? Shouldn’t that alone have been enough? Living a dual life of loving that place because of the comfort, friendships, and memories it offers but also hating its very existence. Wondering when his nurse practitioner will stop looking at me with that look in her eyes. I hate that look. I hate that they still feel just as guilty as I do. That they let him down. That I let him down. That they let me down. That we let everyone down.

Five years of hoping that my love was enough for him. Wishing that I knew for sure.

Five years. 60 months. One thousand eight hundred twenty five days. All that time spent trying to picture him in my head. His big brown eyes and funny smile. His scratchy goatee and his soft hands. Trying to hear his words in my heart. Remembering the good – dinners in the north end, immeasurable amounts of sushi, kisses after baseball games, a turkey party with friends that were (and still are) family, endless monopoly games in hospital rooms, Christmas with the nutcracker in the background, valentines with pearls and a specific black dress, weekends full of friends calling and visiting, a diamond ring that meant more than any carat size ever will. Fearing the nightmares of the bad- oxygen masks, chemo bags, canes, walkers, wheelchairs, no more options, last words, struggling for breath, wake, funeral, burial, death.

Five years of loss, laughter, memories, love. Five years of knowing no matter how many times you say you love someone it will never be enough when they are gone forever. Five years of lost innocence. Of knowing that other people are so lucky to be fairly oblivious to this kind of pain. But also five years of learning that the pain doesn’t kill you. The pain is just the reminder to cherish what is still here. To appreciate the people that haven’t died, but instead keep you alive with their compassion for you. To appreciate the new ones that come. To be surprised by the people that show up that you would never have guessed would and to be disappointed by the ones that just disappear. To remind yourself that you have to move forward, you have to open up again. That life is not just full of pain- it is full of joy too. It is full of finding the balance between missing him and loving another and the wonderful discovery that it can be possible with the right person and it is ok to live forward. But always, always, always missing the one that is gone.

Five years of wishing for just one more conversation, one more laugh, one more hug, one more kiss, one more smile, one more anything. Coming to grips with the reality that none of it will ever happen.

Five years. I miss you John. I miss you. The you that only I knew and the person that made me the happiest I had ever been. I loved you and still do more than you may have ever known. I remember you today and every day for everything that you brought to my life and everything that you took with you when you left. Thank you for being my confidante, my love, my best friend. Life is not the same without you- it never will be. You still live in every space of my heart and always will.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My life is so different now than what it was when i wrote that.... however i do believe that the balance of loving another is still possible.

last night i was on te phone with J. He said to me that if he had the chance he would love to hug John and thank him for being the best thing in my life- and making it possible for me to love the way i do.

the tears formed in my eyes but then they stopped because there is really nothing but joy here. There has been a lot of pain in the past year or so- but now there is only joy. joy and love and gratitude for what was- and what might be.

I miss him still- i always will. But there is a hope about me that makes it impossible to focus on what is gone. For the first time in a long time I think that my dreams may in fact come true.

to Alicia--- a long time ago you left a comment here about your relationship with a man that was similar to C- that you struggled with some of the same things that I was struggling with. And after you broke up you met your husband. You give me hope. You always have.

in case anyone still reads this....

the chapter of my life that was c. is over. i ended it. we wanted two very different things and i was not willing to wait for him to want what i need.

however- it seems as though someone had been partially waiting in the wings. i have known him for a very long time and i love that he gets me and has known me and knew what i went through with john. he was there then just for me-- not for the memory of him.

he is there now--- but for the both of us.

c has been feeling pretty sick lately. not sick like a flu but sick as in a number of things that scare the both of us. blurred vision, forgetting things, tired all the time. things that aren't like him. he is headed to the dr to be checked out

at the same time he said to me- don't worry - if it is something bad you are still young enough to start over. and then the truth came out....

i don't want to start over-- never again

i know i can't say never but i can't even picture having to start over- not again

i know that people that don't understand this world think that it would be easy enough to just try again- but we know. we know the days and nights of unbelievable heartache. i know my strength and limitations - that i just don't have it in me to do again

he of course realized as soon as he said i what he said--and the poor man's face turned green as anything. he apologized profusely.

but still it doesn't change the fact that i don't think i could handle going through anything like that again- at least not anytime soon

vacation is good--- i am realizing exactly how much exhaustion i have built up in a year and a half with no time off . glad i took 2 weeks as i am still pretty worn out.

there will be some more posts coming in the next few days. i have big plans. first though a trip to the beach :)

staycation

i am so excited!!

i do not have to step foot into work for 16 days :)

my first vacation in a year and a half which i cannot believe

what am i doing with all this time?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

spa day tomorrow, movies, library, books, beach, friends, c

just the thought of all of these things is making me unwind just a little bit

um

ok so you know how everyone has that one friend in life that is your fallback person- in my case a fallback guy. you know the guy you can't stay away from and sooner or later iwll probably end up with.

well i just found out my fallback guy got married.

therefore taking away his title of fallback guy

which means nothing really- haven't seen him in about 4 years.

but it has thrown me a little- i mean i know i will be with c. probably forever but still. i need to catch my breath.

update

so this time i really have an excuse for not updating.... i finally moved. It was a lot more heartwrenching than i thought it would be as i moved into the apartment i was in a week after john died. there were so many things i had just put in the attic and never looked at. moving forced me to deal with them.

but enough of the bad- i love my new place. i am now living alone in a smaller town closer to rhode island. the rents were cheaper, i was able to get a 2 bedroom all to myself, and my commute although i now live 30 miles farther away is on average about an hour shorter. best part---- c lives only 20 minutes away. no we are still not living together but that will come eventually. this was a very big step for me and for now i do want to live alone no matter how much i love him.

yesterday i bought a brand new car. no longer do i have to wonder if when it rains i will be able to get to where i need to go. i love it and am incredibly happy with this new independence in life. c is so proud of me and also admits to being a little jealous too. but we are building some sort of life together and things are honestly wonderful between us.

all in all life is good

loving out loud

I was speaking to someone the other day about John and some things that I really missed about him. One of the things that came up was that John would say "I love you" no matter who was in hearing distance or where we were or what we were doing, and sometimes I really miss that.

I miss other people knowing that I am loved.

Don't get me wrong- C loves me. He loves me in a much different way than John ever did. It is a quiet kind of love. The kind that is not expressed verbally very often but when it is it means so much to both of us. It's more in the quiet between us and within the confines of it just being the two of us. With him it means a little more to me because I know it doesn't come easily to him to express it.

But I miss just hearing it across the room- yes John would just yell out, "Hey hon I really love you" across very crowded rooms at random times. I don't necessarily need to hear it but I need other people to know that C. really does feel that way about me. I tell them but sometimes it's like I am trying to prove that he does, not that he really does feel that way.

the thing is though-- why should it matter to other people. that's what bothers me- why do i let it matter? And I don't have a good answer to that- except somehow it does. Or it does with certain people. Mainly people who were John's friends. I need it not to matter because C is never going to be the man that will express any emotion like that in front of anyone. Shouldn't it be enough for me that he expresses it just to me?

4 years and one day

yesterday was 4 years. 4 long and painful, joyous and heartbreaking years. it was not a good day at all. it's the one day a year i wish i didn't work where he died. it broke me yesterday. walking in those doors and hating the fact that i am there everytime that they need me but the one time i needed them they failed me.

i know it's irrational. there are plenty of people that they are not able to save. but i just couldn't see past the fact that they didn't pull it out in the end for me. not yesterday-- every other day i look past it- or i try to. but yesterday- yesterday it nearly made me quit the job that i really do love. i broke down two horrible times and then somehow pulled it together to go to a few meetings and try to function.

the thing is though- no matter how happy i am in my life- i feel broken. like i am not who i could have been. and i don't know how i will ever feel differently.

moving

So this spring will bring new changes in life. I honestly cannot wait.

I am leaving H2Otown for greener pastures--- or at least different ones

Moving south of the city- a region I honestly despise but am doing out of love. C lives down there and no I am not moving in with him- or at least that is not the plan right now. But I am moving to live closer to him so that we have a shot of seeing each other more often.

Right now it takes him an hour and a half each wayto get to me. The town where I am looking at the most is only 20 minutes away from him.

It's also only 10 minutes away from one of my closest friends that I rarely get to see!

and the best part is I will be living on the commuter rail. It will literally take me less time to commute to work travelling 20 miles or so than it does now commuting 6 miles on the bus.

South shore here I come--- which honestly are the things that we do out of love--- because honestly being a north of the city girl- as I am- I never thought in athousand years I would ever live anywhere near where I am going to be

still alive

yes I am still here.

haven't felt like wrting the past few months. living my life has taken the front seat. well that and working in a thankless job that has had me down a lot of the time lately.

updates:

job= sucks. we have lost a great many patients over the past few months. and when you work in pediatric oncology that is never a good thing. it has a way of getting you down and keeping you down

home= we went through a roomate crisis but now hae a new one. and i hae beautiful new furniture that i absolutely love. also have a new washer that was a saga and a half but in the end is really great howeer word to the wise; never ever buy from sears. $1800 dollars for a $400 washer- I will leave it at that

widowhood= some days great some days not. part of this new life that will always be with us i think. i miss him- enough said.

friends= eh. i've learned that i do have a few ery good friends. i have also learned that i had some "friends" that weren't really friends as soon as my life went in a direction that they didn't like. oh well.

c= great. we are so happy together and just so happy period. we are finding it more and more challenging to not live together but for the time being it is for the best. we treasure our time together and value it more than anything. he continues to amaze me and makes me laugh more than i ever have.

i promise to try to write more- it's my resolution because there are things that need to be written about. I still read every day a bunch of blogs and want to get back into it.