to leave or stay??

Working at the Farber is sometimes the best experience in the world and at others it's the worst. I am sure that's how most people feel about their jobs but I feel like it's a little different in my situation.
I had worked at the farber for 2 and a half years before John was diagnosed. I liked my job, I liked the people that I worked with, I thought that I was contributing to the common good and mission of the place.
It's amazing how much your outlook can change. Two and a half years later I love the people I work with, I still enjoy my job, but I have absolutely no faith in the mission. If you stop believing in a place, and its mission, and its people's abilities to do what they claim to be best in the world at then what is left?
Yesterday I was in the elevator and there was an elderly couple in there with me. They had obviously just found out some bad n ews- he was terminal and I know that look of just finding out. Shock and complete bewilderment. The wife said-"I can't believe we only got to have 30 years together." All I could think to myself what do you mean only--- you got 29 years more than I got!! You have no freaking right to complain!!!!
Should this signal the end of my career at the farber??? Have I lost that complete touch with reality and with sympathy and compassion that is needed to work there?

who said life isn't a roller coaster

been a while since i posted and feel the need to write some stuff down. Have had a very weird time lately but hopefully things are starting to look up. went through a very grueling 2 weeks medically. i never want to do that again. unfortunately the testing hasn't stopped but no longer is leukemia the question- now just could be a blood disorder, something else, or nothing at all. which is good- i will take it. the other good news is that i have met someone- E. I don't know where it is going but i am definitely enjoying the ride so far. it's good to know i am capable of certain things again and has given me assurance that a future is out there somewhere and i just need to sit back an enjoy the ride. now to go through the next series of tests starting tomorrow. at least one more tap which sucks and a blood series- but i can do this, i know i can. and that in and of itself is something i am very proud of.

hmmm

What a week! But I have survived. Now to just wait for the results. But I made it. I guess I ave figured out a way to make it through anything. Just tired of it all. It was 22 months yesterday, creeping up on the 2 year mark. It is 2 years ago today that we got engaged. I never felt like I got to be that happy, excited, planning a wedding type that I always imagined. It was not a time of happiness. It was more a time of uncertainty. Maybe one day I will be that happy go lucky bride to be- although now I doubt that since I really don't think I am going to meet anyone and I also think that chance has come and gone.

destressing

well this diet thing is going good today. have worked out three days in a row-- aiming for danicng tomorrow so that will be 4. it's good to have all of this support to len back on when i feel the need to. although i find bob the trainer cute and everything i also feel the need to kick his ass when the high kicks come into play. hmmm--- maybe should work on that temptation or else i could end up with a busted television. at least working out calmed me down about the rest of the stress going on. moving moving moving. where to???? i have no freaking clue. hopefully i will straighten all of that jumbled mess out within the month

dreams

an undeniable sadness has washed over me. there are really no words to describe how sad a new year has made me. it feels impossible that it's the second year john will not have taken a breath in. yet i still feel him every day. some days i hate that. most though i cherish it. it's what keeps me going. but i still wonder why and why him. it will never make any sense to me. i'm very proud of myself for making it this far and for making the choices and decisions i have.... at the same time so incredibly sad that those decisions have had to be made. 2006- he wanted to go to the olympics in italy this year. he had so many plans for his life that never came to being. so many that few people knew about. i don't know if it is better to have known or not. some days i wish i didn't know what his dreams were- then i wouldn't feel the pain of not having them come true. at the same time i have taken on some of his own dreams to be my own and for that i am grateful. just wish he was here to achieve them himself.

Christmas

This year i had the best christmas i have had in a really long time. i had a nice christmas with john in 03- but still that was in the hospital and sad and stressful. i wouldn't trade that one for the world but at the same time it didn't feel like a real christmas. this year i spent christmas with katie and rob. it was so nice. the tree, the church services, the traditional stuff. everything that i have missed for such a long time. when i was little christmas was my favorite holiday but after years of spending it alone i started to dread it. then i had the one christmas with john. no dread of the day itself but a fear that he wouldn't live to see the next one. and then that fear came true. last year i spent the day in tears for the things i missed and the person i missed more. this year there were a few tears but many more smiles and much more joy. i actually felt part of something for the first time in a very long time and it felt really good. i am incredibly lucky to have friends that welcomed me into their home and into their lives for such a special time. i know that their time together is very precious and i really am grateful that they let me share in that. i always thought that christmas was a time for making memories and this year i have made many.

no longer last year

i have been thinking about this a lot lately. in a few days i will no longer be able to say that john died last year. now it will be a few years ago, or two years, or 22 months. anything but last year. it's so hard to think of that. two new years without him. i have been trying to think lately about what can be instead of what could have been. it seems to be getting easier but at the same time some days are so hard. today i looked at a guy on the bus and he had john's lips- nothing else-- just his lips and it made me so sad because i bet i am the only person on this earth that can look at some complete stranger and miss john so much. but at least i don't burst into tears anymore when it happens. i guess that's progress...

a new beginning

so because i have recently joined another blog i have decided to start one of my own. i think i have finally reached that place in my life where i am ok in writing things down as far as what happened and what i see happening in the future. also at some point i want to be able to look back and see the progress that i made and this would be a good place to do that. 2006 is my new beginning. someone asked me today what my new years resolution is and i said it is to be happy with myself and with my choices in the upcoming year. i said that without really thinking about it- but i know it is true. that is what i want for myself. and i hope that i can have that happen.