To John's Friends: The past two and a half years I have lived with my life under inspection. Every move that I have taken, every decision I have made, everything that I have done has been criticized and it stops today. Over the past month or so I have heard a few things from people that I am not necessarily close to about my life. People that are not in my daily life and in all honesty should not know any details of my life. Yet they do. Why my life is up for public discussion, criticism, or general observation I will never know. However I can control it and I will stop it. It stops today.
For the record- I am happy. I am moving forward in my life but also for the record I will never forget John nor will I ever live a day that he does not cross my mind. I know that some people think that because I am in a relationship that I will forget John, betray John, or try to convince myself that the person I am with is better than John. There is no comparison and there shouldn't be nor is forgetting John even an option.
Right now I am more hurt than words will ever begin to convey yet I am also incredibly happy. Cleo- the man in my life- is a huge part of that but there are also other factors. I am healthy, my job is stable and most days wonderful, and I do have other people in my life that are incredible and are so supportive that I can only be incredibly grateful. But to have people in my life that I can't trust or that I can't speak to for fear of them spreading the gossip or the details of my life has definitely hurt. But it is something I can control. Unfortunately it means losing some people in my life that I never wanted to lose- but if I can't trust in them then why are they there.
John chose not to introduce me or even talk about me to most people until he was sick- with one exception- because he trusted that person more than he will ever know and so do I- thank you to that one individual. However I now understand why he kept us "quiet"- the talking, the gossiping and the pain that it has brought me is unbelievable.
But I will not let it ruin what I do have in my life- instead I move forward. I move on and I move away. I have plenty of people in my life that support me 100% and do not feel like my life is of any interest to other people. They do not talk about me behind my back nor in front of my face. My life is my own. That is all I ever wanted. I wish you all the same level of happiness I have in my life and none of the hurt.
Kyle
ps.... i really did send this email.... which made me really happy
Saturday, September 30, 2006
The story of john
Per request of Megan- and because I have never really told it... This is the story of John as I know it
John was 28 when I "met" him- we met on boston.com personals. He responded to my profile saying that he was intrigued because I said I liked the ballet. He had gone to WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute) and was a software engineer. I thought to myself hmmm smart, educated, and cultured- this I like.
We exchanged emails for about 3 months learning more and more about each other- he had an overbearing mother- I had a crazy background. He loved sushi, I loved Italian. He spent his time at Tae Kwon Do. I spent mine dancing. Finally... He asked me for my screen name. (and you thought he was going to ask me out...ha!)
For months and months after that we "talked" everyday online. It became 2003. We shared our stories of Christmas, debated political views, shared our major triumphs and milestones in life. He got a promotion. His mother lost her job and he was supporting her. His involvement in APO(Alpha Phi Omega- a service fraternity) was eating up all his time. He shared his travels, his stories, his everyday life with me. Yet he still hadn't asked me out.
Finally in May of 2003 almost a year after we met online we finally met. Dinner in the North End- a walk around the city. A good date. Followed by many more. Things finally started getting serious in October. We planned a vacation together. Started to plan life together.
In November my father became very ill- he had a brain tumor. Was given 24 hours to live. John was away that weekend with family. I realized then that I needed this man in my life more than I ever wanted to admit. We rushed my father to a better hospital in the city- he had surgery the next day. John called 15 times during his surgery and was going to come into the city to keep me company while I waited but he was having extreme back pain and could barely move. My father made it through. John and I had plans for the weekend- after we went to his friends turkey party we were back at my place and he asked me to marry him. No ring in hand- nothing really planned- but just blurted it out in typical John fashion. I said I thought that was the right thing but I wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that my father knew that I would be taken care of should anything happen.
A week and a half later my father was released from the rehab-I hadn't said anything about the proposal. That same day he was released-John was admitted to the hospital for his back pain. Two days later we found out it was cancer. The same night he asked me to marry him again. This time I said yes.
December 8th- his 30th birthday- we found out that it was stage 4 colon cancer- it had spread to his spine, his liver, and most concerning his lungs. He refused a prognosis. I found out. They didn't expect him to make it to the new year. We almost lost him two days before Christmas but somehow he pulled himself out of it. He was feeling better. They thought the chemo was working and released him from the hospital on new year's eve.
Martin Luther King weekend he proposed again- this time with a ring. We started planning for a November wedding. The weekend before thanksgiving because we were going to have so much to be thankful for. The day before valentine's day he had his scans scheduled- we were sure it was going to show things were going to be better. He was feeling better. Came home to wait for the results and had an incredible weekend. Tuesday we found out that not only was it not working but we were out of options. One to three months. He lived one. He died March 13, 2004
I had never loved anyone like that before. He changed my life in so many ways. I never will love like that again. But I would also never change anything. He was an incredible person and I will always be thankful to have had him in my life.
John was 28 when I "met" him- we met on boston.com personals. He responded to my profile saying that he was intrigued because I said I liked the ballet. He had gone to WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute) and was a software engineer. I thought to myself hmmm smart, educated, and cultured- this I like.
We exchanged emails for about 3 months learning more and more about each other- he had an overbearing mother- I had a crazy background. He loved sushi, I loved Italian. He spent his time at Tae Kwon Do. I spent mine dancing. Finally... He asked me for my screen name. (and you thought he was going to ask me out...ha!)
For months and months after that we "talked" everyday online. It became 2003. We shared our stories of Christmas, debated political views, shared our major triumphs and milestones in life. He got a promotion. His mother lost her job and he was supporting her. His involvement in APO(Alpha Phi Omega- a service fraternity) was eating up all his time. He shared his travels, his stories, his everyday life with me. Yet he still hadn't asked me out.
Finally in May of 2003 almost a year after we met online we finally met. Dinner in the North End- a walk around the city. A good date. Followed by many more. Things finally started getting serious in October. We planned a vacation together. Started to plan life together.
In November my father became very ill- he had a brain tumor. Was given 24 hours to live. John was away that weekend with family. I realized then that I needed this man in my life more than I ever wanted to admit. We rushed my father to a better hospital in the city- he had surgery the next day. John called 15 times during his surgery and was going to come into the city to keep me company while I waited but he was having extreme back pain and could barely move. My father made it through. John and I had plans for the weekend- after we went to his friends turkey party we were back at my place and he asked me to marry him. No ring in hand- nothing really planned- but just blurted it out in typical John fashion. I said I thought that was the right thing but I wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that my father knew that I would be taken care of should anything happen.
A week and a half later my father was released from the rehab-I hadn't said anything about the proposal. That same day he was released-John was admitted to the hospital for his back pain. Two days later we found out it was cancer. The same night he asked me to marry him again. This time I said yes.
December 8th- his 30th birthday- we found out that it was stage 4 colon cancer- it had spread to his spine, his liver, and most concerning his lungs. He refused a prognosis. I found out. They didn't expect him to make it to the new year. We almost lost him two days before Christmas but somehow he pulled himself out of it. He was feeling better. They thought the chemo was working and released him from the hospital on new year's eve.
Martin Luther King weekend he proposed again- this time with a ring. We started planning for a November wedding. The weekend before thanksgiving because we were going to have so much to be thankful for. The day before valentine's day he had his scans scheduled- we were sure it was going to show things were going to be better. He was feeling better. Came home to wait for the results and had an incredible weekend. Tuesday we found out that not only was it not working but we were out of options. One to three months. He lived one. He died March 13, 2004
I had never loved anyone like that before. He changed my life in so many ways. I never will love like that again. But I would also never change anything. He was an incredible person and I will always be thankful to have had him in my life.
Monday, September 25, 2006
balancing act
is there really a better feeling in the world than to wake up in the arms of someone who wants you as part of their life?
now to make that feeling last until his 5 jobs allow him some time with me again.
and to not let the guilt take over
it's quite a balance but the rewards are so worth it
i am so incredibly happy
now to make that feeling last until his 5 jobs allow him some time with me again.
and to not let the guilt take over
it's quite a balance but the rewards are so worth it
i am so incredibly happy
Sunday, September 10, 2006
5 years later
On September 11, 2001 I went into work like any other day But it was a little different from the start. My roomate's grandmother had died over the previous weekend- she had to drive to New York on the 11th to be there for the funeral- my other roomate and I needed to order flowers to send. My brother was flying to L.A. that day- or so my father told me the night before. I was on the phone to the florist in New York when I heard my radio guy say "oh my god, this is real folks- 2nd plane just hit" I hung up on the florist and started to listen to the news. Luckily my roomate was ok- she was in Connecticut on the other side of the city- she couldn't get through but she was fine. My brother had missed his flight that morning- he forgot to turn on the alarm. Luckily- since he was originally on one of the flights that did crash from Boston.
I can't believe it was 5 years ago. How much so many things in life and in the world have changed. I did know someone that died that day- Capt. John Ogonowski from Dracut, Massachusetts. He was the father of one of the girls that I had taught at dance school. For all that he gave, for all that they all gave, and for all that they left behind... i do remember them.
I can't believe it was 5 years ago. How much so many things in life and in the world have changed. I did know someone that died that day- Capt. John Ogonowski from Dracut, Massachusetts. He was the father of one of the girls that I had taught at dance school. For all that he gave, for all that they all gave, and for all that they left behind... i do remember them.
Monday, September 04, 2006
5 and 10
4 things that are making me sad today....
1. The third memorial walk is only 2 weeks away- how is it 3 years that we have been doing this in his memory
2. yet another wedding to go to this weekend- and i still wish he was with me
3. I won't see C. for 2 weeks and that just makes me nervous - not sad- will it be the same when we see each other again- which i know it will be- but my nerves are taking over
4. John is not my first thought in the morning by a longshot- I never thought that would change so much
and.....
10 things that are making me happy today
1. it's been a really nice weekend- haven't had to do too much and have enjoyed my time
2. I saw C. yesterday and he really just does make me happy
3. We are halfway to our goal for the walk and the money doesn't have to be completely raised until January
4. I brought work home with me this weekend and have done none of it
5. it's Katie and Matt's wedding next weekend and that just makes me happy because it will be them and it will finally be upon us
6. I will be seeing a bunch of my friends in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see them
7. I got the nicest note from my father on saturday and am still happy about it
8. C. - pretty much everything about him- and yes i know i mentioned him before- he just makes me that happy
9. a 3 day work week!!
10. i originally labeled the first list 5 things i am sad about and there were really only 4
lesson learned: if your blessings and happiness are greater than the things that make you sad- life can't be bad at all
1. The third memorial walk is only 2 weeks away- how is it 3 years that we have been doing this in his memory
2. yet another wedding to go to this weekend- and i still wish he was with me
3. I won't see C. for 2 weeks and that just makes me nervous - not sad- will it be the same when we see each other again- which i know it will be- but my nerves are taking over
4. John is not my first thought in the morning by a longshot- I never thought that would change so much
and.....
10 things that are making me happy today
1. it's been a really nice weekend- haven't had to do too much and have enjoyed my time
2. I saw C. yesterday and he really just does make me happy
3. We are halfway to our goal for the walk and the money doesn't have to be completely raised until January
4. I brought work home with me this weekend and have done none of it
5. it's Katie and Matt's wedding next weekend and that just makes me happy because it will be them and it will finally be upon us
6. I will be seeing a bunch of my friends in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see them
7. I got the nicest note from my father on saturday and am still happy about it
8. C. - pretty much everything about him- and yes i know i mentioned him before- he just makes me that happy
9. a 3 day work week!!
10. i originally labeled the first list 5 things i am sad about and there were really only 4
lesson learned: if your blessings and happiness are greater than the things that make you sad- life can't be bad at all
Sunday, August 27, 2006
aargh
how come when all i want is to have a minute with my friend online he has to sic his girlfriend on me to talk to me..... i am not her friend.... i barely know her... she's nice enough... but i just want to talk to my friend.... so sick of that...and don't know what to do about it.... especially when she starts talking under his screen name and i don't know it's her..... it angers me so much
happier post tomorrow i promise..... just very ticked off right now
happier post tomorrow i promise..... just very ticked off right now
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
perspective
i am very bitchy tonight- but with reason- i had to listen to n and d both complain tonight that n had to pay $300 for a washer part. which under normal circumstances would be i guess a big deal for a twenty-something year old. but somehow either i have lost perspective or they have....
what i wouldn't pay to have my biggest problem be fixed with $300....
but this really isn't about me....
it's about the parents that i had to watch today say goodbye to their 3 year old- who died very suddenly in our clinic....
suddenly life has some perspective...
i just want to tell n and d to:
thank god it's fixable with just a little bit of money...
stop bitching about something so minor....
wake up and realize that they are lucky enough to have the money- that this family doesn't know how they will bury their child because they can't afford it
sometimes it all just makes me want to scream....
what i wouldn't pay to have my biggest problem be fixed with $300....
but this really isn't about me....
it's about the parents that i had to watch today say goodbye to their 3 year old- who died very suddenly in our clinic....
suddenly life has some perspective...
i just want to tell n and d to:
thank god it's fixable with just a little bit of money...
stop bitching about something so minor....
wake up and realize that they are lucky enough to have the money- that this family doesn't know how they will bury their child because they can't afford it
sometimes it all just makes me want to scream....
Friday, August 11, 2006
why me? (can you tell it's a pity party in here?!)
i am still in a good place- really i am. am happy and laughing more often than not. just have had time to think a little about my place in life and am facing a few things that i just don't like about myself
first and foremost i am jealous. jealous that all of my friends can believe that the worst won't happen in their lives. that they have faith in their relationships and in the reality that is being in your late 20's.
i am living my life waiting for the next bomb to drop- after all it has for the past-- oh i don't know 10 years- been my way of life. so as much happiness i feel right now i keep holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing.
between the abuse, the rape, finding out i probably can't have kids, being kicked out, having e. die, having my father sick, having john sick and then die, having to go through treatments myself -- i feel like when does it stop and why can't i just be "normal"
why can't i just trust that c. will be there, that he is here, that i really am healthy--- i just don't and then i get so angry that other people just assume that of course people will be there in life. that hasn't been my experience. mine is love em and then be ready for them to be gone. it all just sucks sometimes.
sorry i am such a jumble of thoughts--- it's been a rough week
first and foremost i am jealous. jealous that all of my friends can believe that the worst won't happen in their lives. that they have faith in their relationships and in the reality that is being in your late 20's.
i am living my life waiting for the next bomb to drop- after all it has for the past-- oh i don't know 10 years- been my way of life. so as much happiness i feel right now i keep holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing.
between the abuse, the rape, finding out i probably can't have kids, being kicked out, having e. die, having my father sick, having john sick and then die, having to go through treatments myself -- i feel like when does it stop and why can't i just be "normal"
why can't i just trust that c. will be there, that he is here, that i really am healthy--- i just don't and then i get so angry that other people just assume that of course people will be there in life. that hasn't been my experience. mine is love em and then be ready for them to be gone. it all just sucks sometimes.
sorry i am such a jumble of thoughts--- it's been a rough week
Monday, August 07, 2006
the other woman
With advanced apologies to those with children....
I never realized how hard it was going to be to date a man with a child. There. I said it. I admit to the fact that it is extremely difficlut on both me and him. I know some of what is running through his head- but I view this as a chance to explain what is running through mine. To get it all out there and then hopefully feel a little release.
C. has a daughter who is 8. Just turned 8 not too long ago. She is her daddy's girl. The joy of his life. The reason he pushes himself so hard- to make sure she never wants for anything. I try to be very understanding of the fact that she will always come first in his life. But sometimes.... well sometimes I can't help but wish I did.
How wrong is it to be jealous of an 8 year old? Probably extremely bad of me but at this particular moment I really am. There is not a written custody agreement- c.and his ex have worked very hard at seeing what is best for M. and try to let C. spend as much time with her as possible. Lately that has meant 5 or so nights a week and most weekends. Which means that C. feels so pulled in too many directions. We are still in an early stage of relationship and to me that means we need to spend time together- for him it does too- but he can't find the time to do that.
but it really isn't just that-it isn't just that he spends tikme with M. it's that when he's not spending time with her he's trying to find ways to support her. And worries about her constantly and won't let me meet her yet because he feels it is too soon....
so with all of the juggling that has gone on the past few weeks i went into meltdown mode last night.... i had been away for the weekend visiting my friend d. and his girlfriend n. they asked me if we could get together in october for a double date in providence to go to a concert. I knew immediately that C. wouldn't be able to go- but asked anyway... and of course I was right. He can't-- it's a school night (he teaches) in providence, he will be not only teaching at a high school but also at 2 colleges in the fall, on top of his own business, on top of trying to be the best dad he can be. Just so hard to realize in 3 months he is not going to have any more time for me as he does right now. In fact he will have less.
I don't know if it's the fact that he has so many more responsibilities than me, the fact that it's so different of a life than what me and my friends lead- that we up and go at every opportunity that we can. That other relationships around me the only thing going on is their 40 hour a week job and their relationship and that's it and with C. it is so much more. Not all of it is M. There's a lot to work out--- but he is so worth it. People tell me that they can't believe how happy I am. I know I am. I know that he is the best thing that has happened in my life in a very long time. I know that I like his daughter already .I just need to feel like I am not always the one being juggled.....
I never realized how hard it was going to be to date a man with a child. There. I said it. I admit to the fact that it is extremely difficlut on both me and him. I know some of what is running through his head- but I view this as a chance to explain what is running through mine. To get it all out there and then hopefully feel a little release.
C. has a daughter who is 8. Just turned 8 not too long ago. She is her daddy's girl. The joy of his life. The reason he pushes himself so hard- to make sure she never wants for anything. I try to be very understanding of the fact that she will always come first in his life. But sometimes.... well sometimes I can't help but wish I did.
How wrong is it to be jealous of an 8 year old? Probably extremely bad of me but at this particular moment I really am. There is not a written custody agreement- c.and his ex have worked very hard at seeing what is best for M. and try to let C. spend as much time with her as possible. Lately that has meant 5 or so nights a week and most weekends. Which means that C. feels so pulled in too many directions. We are still in an early stage of relationship and to me that means we need to spend time together- for him it does too- but he can't find the time to do that.
but it really isn't just that-it isn't just that he spends tikme with M. it's that when he's not spending time with her he's trying to find ways to support her. And worries about her constantly and won't let me meet her yet because he feels it is too soon....
so with all of the juggling that has gone on the past few weeks i went into meltdown mode last night.... i had been away for the weekend visiting my friend d. and his girlfriend n. they asked me if we could get together in october for a double date in providence to go to a concert. I knew immediately that C. wouldn't be able to go- but asked anyway... and of course I was right. He can't-- it's a school night (he teaches) in providence, he will be not only teaching at a high school but also at 2 colleges in the fall, on top of his own business, on top of trying to be the best dad he can be. Just so hard to realize in 3 months he is not going to have any more time for me as he does right now. In fact he will have less.
I don't know if it's the fact that he has so many more responsibilities than me, the fact that it's so different of a life than what me and my friends lead- that we up and go at every opportunity that we can. That other relationships around me the only thing going on is their 40 hour a week job and their relationship and that's it and with C. it is so much more. Not all of it is M. There's a lot to work out--- but he is so worth it. People tell me that they can't believe how happy I am. I know I am. I know that he is the best thing that has happened in my life in a very long time. I know that I like his daughter already .I just need to feel like I am not always the one being juggled.....
Monday, July 31, 2006
chapter 2
For a long time now i feel like i have been starting on my chapter 2. The continuation of me. Tonight I feel like it has actually begun.
The prologue of my life can be summed up in one word- fear. Fear that the bedroom door would open and only hurt and pain would be on the other side. I was always afraid to close my eyes because I would know that he was coming to hurt me. Fear that I was never going to be enough for my parents. That I could never please them. That even straight A's, not getting into any trouble, having a strong faith, would never be enough. Fear of the unknown- of where I was going to run to, what I would become, who I would be. Fear of being me. Fear of not succeeding, of not pushing myself enough, of only having myself to rely on in my life. Fear of loving beacuse only hurt awaited me.
Chapter 1 was discovery. Opening my eyes to a new world full of surprises. That I was capable of not only being liked for who I was but loved for who I was. Discovering new talents- that dancing wasn't the only thing I was good at. Discovering what it is like to be independent and responsible for every aspect of life. Discovering a love that was so deep that sometimes the fear came rushing back but wanting to learn more pushed it aside. Discovering true friendships because I had let go of most of the fear. Discovering the person I knew I wanted to be with forever. Discovering that where I worked would turn into the place where I wanted to be as well as the place I wanted to run away from. Discovering that cancer not only happened to strangers in the elevator but also to the person that held my heart in his hand. Discovering that there will never be enough "I love you's" to sustain a lifetime. Discovering forgiveness for past hurts and mistakes. Discovering the worst words aren't that he has cancer but that there's nothing they can do. Discovering that love truly does endure all things. Discovering an inner strength that I had never believed in until I had to rely on it because my source of outer strength was gone. Discovering that loving and living don't have to end. That life is a gift that should not be taken for granted. Discovering not only did I want to open my heart again it was ready to be opened. Finding a new me. A stronger me. A more confident me but also a me that will never forget where it has been.
I think Chapter 2's theme might be Joy. Joy in living. Joy in uncovering true friendships. Joy in waking to a new day and accepting that it is a new day and not just a repeat of the pain of yesterday. Joy in opening myself up to the fear and unknown of the future without having to relive the fears of my past. Joy in memories. In being able to remember the happier moments more often than the nightmares. Joy in who I have become. In what I have accomplished. Of making it through the worst time in my life and actually making it. Joy in another's arms. Joy in a future that is still so up in the air but that makes me eager to wake up each day. Joy... in only what is just beginning.
The prologue of my life can be summed up in one word- fear. Fear that the bedroom door would open and only hurt and pain would be on the other side. I was always afraid to close my eyes because I would know that he was coming to hurt me. Fear that I was never going to be enough for my parents. That I could never please them. That even straight A's, not getting into any trouble, having a strong faith, would never be enough. Fear of the unknown- of where I was going to run to, what I would become, who I would be. Fear of being me. Fear of not succeeding, of not pushing myself enough, of only having myself to rely on in my life. Fear of loving beacuse only hurt awaited me.
Chapter 1 was discovery. Opening my eyes to a new world full of surprises. That I was capable of not only being liked for who I was but loved for who I was. Discovering new talents- that dancing wasn't the only thing I was good at. Discovering what it is like to be independent and responsible for every aspect of life. Discovering a love that was so deep that sometimes the fear came rushing back but wanting to learn more pushed it aside. Discovering true friendships because I had let go of most of the fear. Discovering the person I knew I wanted to be with forever. Discovering that where I worked would turn into the place where I wanted to be as well as the place I wanted to run away from. Discovering that cancer not only happened to strangers in the elevator but also to the person that held my heart in his hand. Discovering that there will never be enough "I love you's" to sustain a lifetime. Discovering forgiveness for past hurts and mistakes. Discovering the worst words aren't that he has cancer but that there's nothing they can do. Discovering that love truly does endure all things. Discovering an inner strength that I had never believed in until I had to rely on it because my source of outer strength was gone. Discovering that loving and living don't have to end. That life is a gift that should not be taken for granted. Discovering not only did I want to open my heart again it was ready to be opened. Finding a new me. A stronger me. A more confident me but also a me that will never forget where it has been.
I think Chapter 2's theme might be Joy. Joy in living. Joy in uncovering true friendships. Joy in waking to a new day and accepting that it is a new day and not just a repeat of the pain of yesterday. Joy in opening myself up to the fear and unknown of the future without having to relive the fears of my past. Joy in memories. In being able to remember the happier moments more often than the nightmares. Joy in who I have become. In what I have accomplished. Of making it through the worst time in my life and actually making it. Joy in another's arms. Joy in a future that is still so up in the air but that makes me eager to wake up each day. Joy... in only what is just beginning.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
what's in a name
a lot of people ask me about my name.... it's something i have grown into as i have gotten older but that was not always the case-- nor does it not come without some funny stories. c. reminded me of one of the funnier ones last night-- but maybe first i should explain where my name came from.
originally i was supposed to be sarah jane-- those people who know me personally know that i don't think i would ever really be considered a sarah. luckily my mother's good friend named her daughter sarah jane about 3 weeks before i was born-- so my parents could not use the name. unfortunately they were out of ideas and decided they should let their 4 year old son choose a name. he came up with brian william for a boy but they still couldn't figure out what to name a girl. then they went out for an infamous dinner one night. kevin (my brother) totally bonded with their waiter and decided that he didn't care if it was a boy's name- his little sister would be named kyle (side note-- if i was a boy i would still be named brian-- totally weird). my parents decided they would take a form of sarah for my middle name- so here i am kyle sarena m.
now having a boy's name in life is sometimes interesting and entertaining-- the invitations to join the seminary- the fact that i lived in hand me downs when i was really little and was bald till i was 3 and had a boys name also was fun at times. but i think the best incident happened a few years ago
it was while john was sick- he was finally home from the hospital and his catheter had been removed- we were thrilled. we had a shot of having a sex life. my prescription for the pill had lapsed while he was sick so i had called in to get it refilled. i walked down to the medical offices where the pharmacy was on my lunch break one day with my friend dana. we get up to the counter- i ask for my prescription- the girl types it into the computer- gives me a look- asks for my insurance card and license and then goes to speak to the pharmacist. he looks at me looks at the computer-- back at me-- meanwhile a long line had formed behind us full of very elderly people. they both come back out to us and the girl says to me, " how much do you normally pay for your prescription?" i told her $10 a month so $30 for the three months. she then says, "i am sorry to ask you this but have you had a sex change operation in the past month?!!" i was floored- i said no- do i look like i have-- and she said no- that is why there is confusion- the insurance company is refusing to pay for hormones because they think you are a guy and it is against policy for them to pay for any prescriptions leading up to or as follow up to a sex change surgery. i was completely mortified!!! they didn't give me the prescription that day- i had to go back and fight it out with insurance- and the elderly people in line behind us were seriously snickering or turning red. it was one of the funniest experiences but also one of the most embarassing moments of my life.
the lesson in this-- never let your 4 year old name your next child-- but if you do-- make sure that the younger child has a good sense of humor to get them through life
originally i was supposed to be sarah jane-- those people who know me personally know that i don't think i would ever really be considered a sarah. luckily my mother's good friend named her daughter sarah jane about 3 weeks before i was born-- so my parents could not use the name. unfortunately they were out of ideas and decided they should let their 4 year old son choose a name. he came up with brian william for a boy but they still couldn't figure out what to name a girl. then they went out for an infamous dinner one night. kevin (my brother) totally bonded with their waiter and decided that he didn't care if it was a boy's name- his little sister would be named kyle (side note-- if i was a boy i would still be named brian-- totally weird). my parents decided they would take a form of sarah for my middle name- so here i am kyle sarena m.
now having a boy's name in life is sometimes interesting and entertaining-- the invitations to join the seminary- the fact that i lived in hand me downs when i was really little and was bald till i was 3 and had a boys name also was fun at times. but i think the best incident happened a few years ago
it was while john was sick- he was finally home from the hospital and his catheter had been removed- we were thrilled. we had a shot of having a sex life. my prescription for the pill had lapsed while he was sick so i had called in to get it refilled. i walked down to the medical offices where the pharmacy was on my lunch break one day with my friend dana. we get up to the counter- i ask for my prescription- the girl types it into the computer- gives me a look- asks for my insurance card and license and then goes to speak to the pharmacist. he looks at me looks at the computer-- back at me-- meanwhile a long line had formed behind us full of very elderly people. they both come back out to us and the girl says to me, " how much do you normally pay for your prescription?" i told her $10 a month so $30 for the three months. she then says, "i am sorry to ask you this but have you had a sex change operation in the past month?!!" i was floored- i said no- do i look like i have-- and she said no- that is why there is confusion- the insurance company is refusing to pay for hormones because they think you are a guy and it is against policy for them to pay for any prescriptions leading up to or as follow up to a sex change surgery. i was completely mortified!!! they didn't give me the prescription that day- i had to go back and fight it out with insurance- and the elderly people in line behind us were seriously snickering or turning red. it was one of the funniest experiences but also one of the most embarassing moments of my life.
the lesson in this-- never let your 4 year old name your next child-- but if you do-- make sure that the younger child has a good sense of humor to get them through life
Monday, July 24, 2006
on the eve of 29
28 was a challenging year. full of so many ups and downs there are too many to count.
the unknown was so frightening when it came to my health but at the same time it gave me new strength- newfound faith in my firendships- and assurance in my will to live.
the struggles of grief have lessened- though at the same time when they hit they hit harder. i miss him and always will. but this year it's different. i don't know if i miss my love so much as i miss my best friend. this year brought the day i could no longer hear his voice in my head- but also brought the day that i could genuinely laugh and feel joy at many of my memories.
this newfound contentment in my life has been such a blessing- not only c. but the ease of living. of moving through each day and actually feel like i am living and not just going through the motions.
29 was the last year that john was "healthy" (i know now that wasn't truly the case but we didn't know that then) It was such a happy year- so much fun- so many nice times- the year we got engaged. Part of me feels so strange to be turning this corner. part of me knows that i will more than likely outlive him and it will happen sooner rather than later. i think that's what scares me most about 29. i don't like the feeling of catching up to him as it was never supposed to happen- but yet here it is.
for the first time in about 15 years i am actually excited about my birthday. i have a good day at work planned. i have a nice night with c. to look forward to. i am actually alive again and i can honestly feel the joy in my life.
the unknown was so frightening when it came to my health but at the same time it gave me new strength- newfound faith in my firendships- and assurance in my will to live.
the struggles of grief have lessened- though at the same time when they hit they hit harder. i miss him and always will. but this year it's different. i don't know if i miss my love so much as i miss my best friend. this year brought the day i could no longer hear his voice in my head- but also brought the day that i could genuinely laugh and feel joy at many of my memories.
this newfound contentment in my life has been such a blessing- not only c. but the ease of living. of moving through each day and actually feel like i am living and not just going through the motions.
29 was the last year that john was "healthy" (i know now that wasn't truly the case but we didn't know that then) It was such a happy year- so much fun- so many nice times- the year we got engaged. Part of me feels so strange to be turning this corner. part of me knows that i will more than likely outlive him and it will happen sooner rather than later. i think that's what scares me most about 29. i don't like the feeling of catching up to him as it was never supposed to happen- but yet here it is.
for the first time in about 15 years i am actually excited about my birthday. i have a good day at work planned. i have a nice night with c. to look forward to. i am actually alive again and i can honestly feel the joy in my life.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
what i have been up to
long time no posts....
life is good- hate to jinx that by saying it- but it's true.
the wedding was fun- i even think i might have looked nice- am waiting for pics to prove it- had a good time with dave- missed c. but understand since he had his daughter all weekend
work is driving me crazy.... commuting since the collapse of the big dig has beena nightmare- between 5-6 hours a day to go about 8 miles---- at the same time i keep trying to remind myself that a woman did lose her life- and i do feel terribly for her family
c. and i are good- actually we are great. saw him last friday- hoping to see him over the weekend at some point. people wonder how we are able to see so little of each other but are still happy but i think it is because i enjoy having my time to myself. i don't think i know how to function being around someone 24/7 and i also don't think it's that healthy. i have my life- he has his- we have ours- sooner or later i am sure all of it will comingle.
i need to get back on the weight loss wagon-- was doing so well but have kind of slid off course- need to get back on it.
sleep tends to come easier these days. i am not haunted by all of the imagery that was with me for so long. will never forget it but at least rest is coming easier. am looking forward to this weekend- no plans- i might even take a nap!
life is good- hate to jinx that by saying it- but it's true.
the wedding was fun- i even think i might have looked nice- am waiting for pics to prove it- had a good time with dave- missed c. but understand since he had his daughter all weekend
work is driving me crazy.... commuting since the collapse of the big dig has beena nightmare- between 5-6 hours a day to go about 8 miles---- at the same time i keep trying to remind myself that a woman did lose her life- and i do feel terribly for her family
c. and i are good- actually we are great. saw him last friday- hoping to see him over the weekend at some point. people wonder how we are able to see so little of each other but are still happy but i think it is because i enjoy having my time to myself. i don't think i know how to function being around someone 24/7 and i also don't think it's that healthy. i have my life- he has his- we have ours- sooner or later i am sure all of it will comingle.
i need to get back on the weight loss wagon-- was doing so well but have kind of slid off course- need to get back on it.
sleep tends to come easier these days. i am not haunted by all of the imagery that was with me for so long. will never forget it but at least rest is coming easier. am looking forward to this weekend- no plans- i might even take a nap!
Sunday, July 09, 2006
this week is going to be crazy busy- between work, the wedding next weekend, the bachelorette and rehearsal before that and just my normal craziness. so today i took a chance to look ahead and reflect on what is happening in my life and upon what is coming up in life.
cheryl and tony got engaged last year- they met about 3 months before me and john did. i have known cheryl for over 10 years now and i have never seen her happier than when she met tony. we have gone through a lot together. i don't think she was ever a big fan of john-we never really spoke about it- but at the same time seeing her reach this milestone makes me a little sad. i wonder if the feeling if that is what my life should have been like will ever go away....
at the same time my birthday is fast approaching. all i keep thinking are erin's words.... if you are going to meet anyone you need to make it happen this year. have i met him? possibly... it feels like i could have... at the same time it scares me to be another year older and still not sure of where my life is headed. and then i think about when john was 29 and how excited we both were that year... little did we know he would be gone 4 months after he turned 30..... how strange.... when you think about it all.... how weird can life truly be.
but as i head into my last year in my twenties i am happy--- not just becuase of c. but because of a multitude of things. i feel like i am truly living forward-enjoying my life and whatever it brings...
cheryl and tony got engaged last year- they met about 3 months before me and john did. i have known cheryl for over 10 years now and i have never seen her happier than when she met tony. we have gone through a lot together. i don't think she was ever a big fan of john-we never really spoke about it- but at the same time seeing her reach this milestone makes me a little sad. i wonder if the feeling if that is what my life should have been like will ever go away....
at the same time my birthday is fast approaching. all i keep thinking are erin's words.... if you are going to meet anyone you need to make it happen this year. have i met him? possibly... it feels like i could have... at the same time it scares me to be another year older and still not sure of where my life is headed. and then i think about when john was 29 and how excited we both were that year... little did we know he would be gone 4 months after he turned 30..... how strange.... when you think about it all.... how weird can life truly be.
but as i head into my last year in my twenties i am happy--- not just becuase of c. but because of a multitude of things. i feel like i am truly living forward-enjoying my life and whatever it brings...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
:)
Ok so this is going to be a little high school.... but.... he likes me!!
We went out tonight and hung out here afterwards (at home I mean) and we were talking and he told me he really likes me- and it scares him a great deal- but he likes me. He also said that when we were out tonight that he felt really good about us. That it felt "right". I make him happy.
Have to admit I like him too. He makes me happy and makes me laugh so much. And as my friend Cheryl said to me today- I light up like a christmas tree when I talk about him
:)
sometimes life just could not feel any better or at least i have now learned to cherish these moments as what they are-- moments-- pieces of time in life where it really is sweet.
We went out tonight and hung out here afterwards (at home I mean) and we were talking and he told me he really likes me- and it scares him a great deal- but he likes me. He also said that when we were out tonight that he felt really good about us. That it felt "right". I make him happy.
Have to admit I like him too. He makes me happy and makes me laugh so much. And as my friend Cheryl said to me today- I light up like a christmas tree when I talk about him
:)
sometimes life just could not feel any better or at least i have now learned to cherish these moments as what they are-- moments-- pieces of time in life where it really is sweet.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
meltdown
So this weekend my good friend D. and his girlfriend N. were visiting from CT. On Monday we had gone to a bbq-and then out for ice cream with a bunch of people. We went to Waltham to Lizzy's. While we were in there I realized I had been there before.... i had been there with John... it was actually our last date out... where i had tried to convince him to go see a dr. but he wouldn't listen to me. He didn't go for another 6 weeks (yes I saw him during that time- but we were mostly hanging out at home due to all of the pain he was in and not wanting to drive anywhere). I managed to hold it together on Monday until we got back to the house where the BBQ was at- I said that I would be in in a minute-- and then proceeded to completely lose it....
How could I have forgotten where our last date was? Why didn't I try harder that night- or just take him to the ER myself? Have I gotten too lost in my new relationship- am I trying to forget about John? Why didn't I remember? Why is he gone? Is it ok to feel that I am as happy or happier now than I was with him?
I am on an extreme guilt trip and somehow need to get off of this road.....
How could I have forgotten where our last date was? Why didn't I try harder that night- or just take him to the ER myself? Have I gotten too lost in my new relationship- am I trying to forget about John? Why didn't I remember? Why is he gone? Is it ok to feel that I am as happy or happier now than I was with him?
I am on an extreme guilt trip and somehow need to get off of this road.....
Monday, June 26, 2006
huh
it's amazing to me that i am acutally in a place where i can actually question the future... that marriage, kids, happiness, and fulfillment all seem reachable somehow.... who would have ever thought that when 2 years ago i just figured i had to give up on all of those dreams.
Friday, June 23, 2006
differences
so things with c. and i are really good. i am always afraid to get my hopes up but we both definitely feel something. which is great- don't get me wrong. i can't remember feeling this happy- at least i haven't been this happy in a very long time.
but tonight i need to focus on our differences. because there are many and because i just need to talk them out.
c. is black. i have never dated a black man. i wasn't really raised to be focused on things like race. i went to school in a very diverse city in high school. i had friends of all races. its never been a big deal in my life. however since i have started to date c. i have noticed how closed minded and hypocritical people are- people that include my own "friends". you would think every time that we go anywhere people have never seen a biracial couple. people do tend to stare and make comments- and it's not like i live in a rural area-- i live 10 minutes outside of boston. then the comments that my friends have made-- it scares me. i wasn't brought up like that, i have never lived my life like that- yet somehow i have people in my life who are incredibly closed minded- and that is now coming to the surface. at what point do i just cut them out- as i would never feel comfortable bringing c. around them. nor do i feel comfortable staying friends with them even if me and c. don't end up together.
for me personally the fact that c. is black doesn't really affect me. maybe it should... but the only way that it really has is that it has just opened my eyes to how far we still have to come as a society. i think i would like him even if he were green....
another difference between us is our age. there are 14 years between us. he is 42 and i am 28. yes this is a very large difference. it bothers him tremendously. i would be lying if i said it didn't affect me- however it will never affect me to the point where i would end it based solely on that. i definitely don't feel like a "normal" 28 year old. being a widow kind of always makes you feel a lot older than what you should. i have learned that age is never going to matter- when you are supposed to go - you're going to go. john was 30 years old and "perfectly healthy" and yet he still died. age is never going to stop my happiness. but then when we talk about the future- about what we both want- c. will have another kid- possibly 2- but was he planning on it-- no. he feels he is too old. he feels like he won't be able to make me happy- little does he know it doesn't take much- the only thing that i need is someone saying good morning to me. he says he is working on it in his own mind. i feel like this will be the thing that either makes us or breaks us.
he is also divorced and has a child. i have never been married and don't have any kids. i think for me this is the biggest difference in us. i think that i always thought that i would be first in a person's life until our child came along. instead m. (his daughter) comes first in c's life and always will. but at the same time i find that so admirable. he totally loves her and is incredibly close to her. she is his life- and honestly it shouldn't be any other way. just hoping that he continues to find space in his life for me.
there are of course other differences- but those are the major ones. but i feel like as long as we continue talking about where we both stand that it will all be ok. at least for now i am enjoying the moments and just trying to take it one day at a time
but tonight i need to focus on our differences. because there are many and because i just need to talk them out.
c. is black. i have never dated a black man. i wasn't really raised to be focused on things like race. i went to school in a very diverse city in high school. i had friends of all races. its never been a big deal in my life. however since i have started to date c. i have noticed how closed minded and hypocritical people are- people that include my own "friends". you would think every time that we go anywhere people have never seen a biracial couple. people do tend to stare and make comments- and it's not like i live in a rural area-- i live 10 minutes outside of boston. then the comments that my friends have made-- it scares me. i wasn't brought up like that, i have never lived my life like that- yet somehow i have people in my life who are incredibly closed minded- and that is now coming to the surface. at what point do i just cut them out- as i would never feel comfortable bringing c. around them. nor do i feel comfortable staying friends with them even if me and c. don't end up together.
for me personally the fact that c. is black doesn't really affect me. maybe it should... but the only way that it really has is that it has just opened my eyes to how far we still have to come as a society. i think i would like him even if he were green....
another difference between us is our age. there are 14 years between us. he is 42 and i am 28. yes this is a very large difference. it bothers him tremendously. i would be lying if i said it didn't affect me- however it will never affect me to the point where i would end it based solely on that. i definitely don't feel like a "normal" 28 year old. being a widow kind of always makes you feel a lot older than what you should. i have learned that age is never going to matter- when you are supposed to go - you're going to go. john was 30 years old and "perfectly healthy" and yet he still died. age is never going to stop my happiness. but then when we talk about the future- about what we both want- c. will have another kid- possibly 2- but was he planning on it-- no. he feels he is too old. he feels like he won't be able to make me happy- little does he know it doesn't take much- the only thing that i need is someone saying good morning to me. he says he is working on it in his own mind. i feel like this will be the thing that either makes us or breaks us.
he is also divorced and has a child. i have never been married and don't have any kids. i think for me this is the biggest difference in us. i think that i always thought that i would be first in a person's life until our child came along. instead m. (his daughter) comes first in c's life and always will. but at the same time i find that so admirable. he totally loves her and is incredibly close to her. she is his life- and honestly it shouldn't be any other way. just hoping that he continues to find space in his life for me.
there are of course other differences- but those are the major ones. but i feel like as long as we continue talking about where we both stand that it will all be ok. at least for now i am enjoying the moments and just trying to take it one day at a time
Monday, June 19, 2006
what if....
There was a question on the board today in one of the posts that has me thinking a lot....
Would he have been with me the way I am today? Or more importantly would I have been with him as I am today?
I have thought about this kind of frequently over the past I would say 6 months. I really don't think he would be with me as this person that I am today- and as much as I hate admitting to that- I still think it's almost a good thing.
When I first met John I had just turned 25.I was still very hung up on what had happened in my past and very insecure in myself. I never thought anyone was going to like me- that I didn't deserve to have anyone like me. Yet he appeared in my life- wanting to take care of me, protect me, and be my partner.
I am no longer that person that I was. I will admit to having strength now. I will admit that not everyone has had to "get over" the things that I have in my life. I am more outspoken. More confient and aware of myself. And more focused on enjoying each day and not as goal oriented as I once was.
I think he liked the fact that I was timid. That he was the outspoken one and I would hang back. That he could give me things in my life that I had never had- security, love, a family, a confidant.
But now I have had those things- and I am a better person for it. I don't need the security of another person, I have found it in myself. I have felt what true love is and don't need to find it again- if I happen upon it that's great- but I don't need it in order to survive. I have finally realized that my family are the friends that surround me in my life- for the good and the bad. He is still my confidant- but I am also more willing to confide in myself and face my own reality.
I really don't think that I would be the person that he was looking for as I am now. Nor do I really think that he would be the one for me either. But I guess that is what life is about- changing and growing and learning and struggling. Nothing stays stagnant in life- I am very glad that I haven't.
Does it mean that I don't love him anymore-- hell no. I will always love him. It just means that not only do I love him for being him- I love him for showing me the way to myself.
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