"you have used John's death to advance your career"

What?!!?!!

One of my coworkers said this to me and also said this to my boss this week. Needless to say I am none too happy at my job right now. But I guess it did give me food for thought

Have I done this somehow? I do work at the cancer center where he was treated, where they gave me time every day to be with him, where my boss turned into one of John's admirers and friends. I do make a ton more money now than I did when he died because my boss keeps promoting me. The doctors all know where I have come from and I believe respect me a little more than they do my colleague. Is that because I have had the opportunity to get to know them on a more personal level- when they helped advise me in John's treatment. My colleagues do know that every year we try to raise a substantial amount of money to go towards this place that he admired so much. My work and my personal life have become entwined but more out of necessity than out of wanting it to.

When this colleague said this to me I was dumbfounded. How could anyone's death bring any good into their life. I was so hurt since it came from someone who started in the office a little more than a year ago. She was not there when everything transpired. Yes I do know that my boss respects me every day for walking through the doors of the place that held so much of my life in their hands at one point. Yes I do know that some of my coworkers continually acknowledge how hard some days can be for me to be at work. But have I used that to my advantage in my career??? I don't really know. Has definitely given me something to think about

unfair

life currently is striking me as incredibly unfair. Not to me in particular but to a lot of people in my life. A widow friend is facing more loss and more illness which strikes me as so unfair to a woman who has been through enough to begin with. a friend from work just lost her husband in almost the same way and amount of time as i did. only she has a 5 year old son. i met with a family at work that has a daughter who is 10 that is terminal that just found out their other daughter who is 13 has just been diagnosed with a different form of cancer- also not good news. an acquaintance of mine just lost her son in a car accident- at 19. Honestly how much is too much? and when can we say that life is unfair?

from day one i have tried to say that everything that happened in my life is fair. that it was god's will. but how exactly can this all be god's will. I just can't fathom it

a weighty topic

Another year....another diet.... back to weight watchers I go.

It feels like there hasn't been a single day of my life that I haven't struggled with my weight. When I was younger-overweight. When I was a teenager - eating disorder central. As an adult- back to overweight-- actually in technical terms- obese.

When I hear that word it makes me want to throw up.

Obese- sounds like a pig. And sometimes I do feel like I qualify as that. The thing is no one can ever guess how much I weigh. They know I am overweight but not to the extreme that I am. Let's just say at this point I could lose around 100 pounds and be in the normal range for my height and age. Strange that years ago I was about 60 pounds underweight.

Now I have come to realize that I need to lose this weight- not 100 pounds--- more like 70 (oh yeah cause that sounds any better?!!) Why do I need to lose this weight? Not because I want to be a twig. Not because I want to attract a man (have one who likes me just the way I am- thank goodness) But because I want to live.

I think I hid in food from the moment John died. Not unhealthy food and not necessarily too much of it- just the wrong food. But now I want to come out of hiding. I want to be able to have a life, have children one day, be healthy enough to run with them or even just run around now with some friends. I need to do this. I need to stick with it. So far so good- 3 pounds gone- now only 67 more to go ( now that sounds better than 70!)

Christmas and other mentionables

So Christmas came and went, 3rd Christmas without him, first one with C. I have to admit it's the first holiday that I have thoroughly looked forward to. It did not disappoint. Saw C. Christmas eve- spent Christmas day alone. Honestly it's not as bad as it sounds, I promise. Saw my family the next day. All in all was a nice time.

I think that the more time goes by the more that I feel that life is making me happier and happier. Yes there are challenges every day. Yes sometimes i honestly cannot breathe bcause of the pain certain memories cause me. Yes I still come almost close to hyperventilating when someone I care about has to go to the Dr's and tests are ordered and I don't think any of those feelings will ever go away.

So here we approach 2007. 3 months until 3 years. on the other end of the spectrum 5 months until c. and I have spent a year together. Some days still conflicted more than ever and other days so happy that I can't even remember the sadness. Hoping for a year full of more and more happiness and less tears. More joy and less sorrow. That's all anyone really hopes for though isn't it?

still here

The holiday season has kept me so busy I have had no time to write. Luckily though not a lot is going on. Me and C are doing well- I have even gotten to see him more! My job has been horrible and I have been working way way way too much. John's birthday came and went. As did diagnosis day. Did a lot better this year. I think it was because i was way too busy to think about anything.

The tree is up. The presents are wrapped. Im ready for Christmas-and actually looking forward to it. Maybe later today I will post a little more detail.

learned traits

This was posted in beyond active grieving today and i found myself nodding my head to almost all of them. thank you peggy a for putting into words what i haven't been able to.

gifts of grief

Courage, wisdom, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, patience, persistence, resilience,

I learned the purpose for my life (to help other people),

I learned appreciation and gratitude for the small and ordinary goodnesses in my life,

I learned to let go,

I learned to bend and not break,

I learned to accept the unacceptable,

I learned to surrender to that which was stronger and more powerful than I,

I learned to not care what other people think,

I learned to love myself unconditionally,

I learned the power of prayer and how to pray for qualities in myself like strength and determination and the courage to see me through as opposed to praying for outcomes or material things,

I learned what is really precious in this world,

I learned to follow the flow of life instead of always fighting against it (because it wasn't always the direction I wanted to go ...),

I learned how to be truly present in the moment I was in rather than the moment I wanted to be in,

I learned how to find peace, really true and lasting peace in pieces instead of waiting for it to come to me as something whole,

I learned to have confidence in myself - if I could get through grief I could get through anything,

I learned what my real priorities in life were,

I learned spiritual depth,

I learned to know myself - my strengths and weaknesses and how to work around both,

I learned that no matter what happens to me - I can and will go on

and to add my own:

I learned that it is not the amount of time that you spend loving a person but how you love them,

I learned the only person that I can count on is myself- but that I am pretty good company,

I learned self-conviction

I learned patience with myself and my emotions

I learned joy in small things

I learned a broken heart can be at least partially put back together

I learned to accept my past and live in the present and once again look forward to the future

wondering

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart

Without saying a word you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old mr. webster could never define

What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me.

But he did leave me and some days i just want to scream. This was to be our wedding song and tomorrow would be our second wedding anniversary and instead I lay here wondering.....

wondering if we would have made it

wondering what he would say to me

wondering if i'll ever really let him go

wondering if it will ever hurt less on these big days- if i can just let them go by

wondering why i would want that

just wishing we had the chance...

sometimes there really are survivors

Tonight I heard the best news I have heard in a long time....
A year and a half ago my friend E. was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was 30 at the time. Early stages. Great attitude. Supportive husband. She was going to beat it. She went through gene testing. Found out that she carries the gene. Not only did she have to have a double mastectomy but she is at incredibly high risk for ovarian cancer and needs to have a hysterectomy within the next 5 years. Suddenly life had deadlines. So as soon as she could they started trying to have a baby. For many months.

Tonight I found out that I am goingt to be an "auntie" in early June. I honestly couldn't be any happier! :) No only has E. survived but she is a true inspiration to me and I am sure she will be a wonderful mother. I'm just glad she will have the chance

cheryl

You know that feeling where you laugh so hard you are crying. I just had a phone call that had me like that for a good half hour. My friends- though sometimes aggrevating are literally the best. My friend Cheryl is one in a million. We have gone through so much together and she is just so true to herself. She is also true to our friendship. As i have said before I don't know if she liked John or not as it is a conversation that we have never really had but I do know that she has supported me in more ways than I can count since he died.

We met before college. She lived in NH as did I and they had a welcome reception for NH students where we met. Worlds being small and all we lived about 20 minutes away from each other and had mutual friends. September came around and she lived 2 doors down the hall from me. All through college we lived in the same hallway except for one year. Some of my fondest memories from college involve cheryl and some of the most meaningful conversations involve her as well.

After college we remained close. We both had roomates that we were all a big bunch of friends and got together often. She soon met her now husband and moved closer to her job and him in RI. She never met John. Not many of my friends did. But I do remember one very long conversation with her about us after we got engaged. Cheryl couldn't believe I was "compromising" what I always wanted in a wedding to marry John. She and others of my friends always gave me a hard time because I always said I wanted a winter wedding with rose muffs for my girls. When the time came I realized that I really didn't want that anymore and I didn't care when or how we got married as long as we did. We only talked about it that one time. At John's wake a few months later Cheryl came and whispered in my ear that all of the compromises would have been worth it.

Since then she got engaged and I was in her wedding this summer. At her wedding I was a bridesmaid but she also asked me to read the petitions or prayers of the faithful. She had given me the printout for practice and I had read through them. At the ceremony I was very nervous about my speaking part. It was a very large wedding and speaking in public was not my thing. I got up to the lectern and looked at the printout was a smiley face and a "we love you for doing this" and then I started reading. I got midway through the prayers when I got to the death one. You know. " For those that we wish could be with us but are with us in spirit, especially for...." Well on the sheet I had been given I didn't know any of the names, but on the printout at the wedding there was one more name added to the list. it said, "John G. who is always loved" I wasn't able to read that part out loud but was so touched that I could barely speak.

Tonight we were laughing about when we get old and in our 80s and what we will be like. We were cracking up. One of those deep laughs that you can feel all the way to the bones. I love Cheryl like a sister, she is always going to mean so much to me. And tonight I thank her for making a rough day just a little easier

picture is of this beautiful woman on her wedding day with me and our frend j.

How do I get sucked into both Grey's Anatomy and ER in one night even when I work in a hospital- I don't have goof thoughts about hospitals- and it's way past my bedtime.

november

I really hate November
Almost as much as March

November 9 2003- A call from my brother telling me my father was in the hospital- brain tumor-" inoperable"

November 10, 2003- he was transferred to the brigham

November 11, 2003- 14 hours of sitting in the family waiting room with my brother that I barely speak to- he will make a full recovery

November 14, 2003- he has a pulmonary embolism

November 15, 2003- John asks me to marry him for the first time


then of course life changed. We planned a wedding for November 20, 2004. He died in march- no wedding- except of course to cancel with the priest the week before because he didn't get the 3 messages I had left with him prior. And then I crash John's car he had left to me into a garbage truck the wednesday before we were supposed to be married. Totaled the only thing that I had of his.

I really really hate November. And somehow every year it sneaks up on me and my emotions are all over the place and I can't figure out why until i really think about it. In a matter of a month my life changed and changed again- at the time into something that I really wanted but now just brings me a lot of pain.

time to let go- or time to hold on

so C. and I are coming up to the end of our month without seeing each other. And part of me couldn't be happier- and then part of me is really struggling.

as i have said before C. has a very busy schedule. To the point where I am lucky if he has 3 hours for me over the course of a weekend. I have had issues with this right from the start but when I am with him I am so happy that I almost forget about it. But I did tell him that after life had calmed down that I needed to spend a lot more time with him. At least a full day a weekend. He totally agreed and promised that he would definitely free time up.

Fast forward to today- he just got back from NC last night and I said something about seeing him this weekend- and he then said - yeah- he would see me sunday for a short time. I didn't really say anything back- but am definitely fliiping out on the inside.

When is it time to realize he just doesn't have the time that I feel not only that I need but that I mostly deserve. How can I explain to him that it is so hard on me when all of my friends spend their weekends and lives with their so's and I have spent 2 and a half years trying to not let that bother me- but now that I am with him it only bothers me more. How do I shake the feeling that a part of me feels like a prostitute but without the money and sometimes without the activity- but that such a limited time with him doesn't make me feel like this relationship is ever going to go to the places that we both want it to go- or at least that we both have said we want it to go.

I know he works so hard at trying to find time for me- but at the same time it's not enough. How do I keep my heart from breaking when I know that I love him and have fallen in love with him but that I either need to end it or convince myself that it's enough. I know he is enough- just need more time in the day.

i miss him
(which him?)

2 more weeks
(or an eternity?)

i want to feel his arms around me
(sometimes if i think hard enough i can feel them)

6 months of being together almost
(or 32 months apart)

i can picture a life with him
(i would never be who i am without him)

i love him
(i love him)

Well the last of the weddings (i hope!) is this weekend. I cannot wait to just have a weekend at home. Haven't been home for a weekend since early August and it's starting to really wear on me. On top of having to deal with weddings every single weekend.

I've gotten pretty good at letting the words wash over me and not feel anything about them. Whether that's good or bad who knows-- but it is a great survival tactic.

I think of all of them I was most affected by Katie and Matt's. They were my roomates right after John died and we lived together for 2 years. They still live only a street away and I talk to them every day. I think finally seeing them married meant the end of something. Closure in another form. Also their favors were replaced by a donation to the walk and there was a beautiful plaque up explaining that. It was just a very special wedding to me.

Then there has been Cheryl and Tony's, Laura and James's, Jess and Matt's, Sadaf and Eddie's and this weekend Cindy and Steve's. I think this weekends will be the most elaborate. A theater on Broadway. I am excited for some time in New York but even more so I am excited for next weekend when I can just hang around home, spend time with some friends, maybe even cook and do some crafts.

how busy is too busy

I, by nature, am a very busy person. Between working long hours, dance classes, excursions with friends, social obligations- I tend to not have much time in my life for me. A year ago I finally got tired of always running. I made a deal with myself to take at least one day a weekend just for me. If not both. Which was really working for me until I met C. I then realized what it must have been like to date me in hte past. C. works a regular full time job, 2 regular art time jobs, 2 more not so regular part time jobs and has his dughter. The man is always going, going, going.

About 2 weeks ago I finally lost it on him. I was tired of just being squeezed into his schedule and since then he is definitely taking notice of how little time he has for him or for us. Which is a good thing- acting on it will be twice as good.

but now we come upone the next 4 weeks. Because of his schedule I cannot see him during the week. So that only leaves weekends. I saw him yesterday. Next weekend I have a wedding in NH. The following weekend I have a wedding in Manhattan. The weekend after that he will be at a conference in NC. So in 4 weeks I will see him again. It's like having a long distance relationship without the distance. But he continues to be worth it- just need to be reminded every once in awhile of that fact. Especially when his schedule makes me want to scream- as does mine sometimes.

taking my life back

To John's Friends: The past two and a half years I have lived with my life under inspection. Every move that I have taken, every decision I have made, everything that I have done has been criticized and it stops today. Over the past month or so I have heard a few things from people that I am not necessarily close to about my life. People that are not in my daily life and in all honesty should not know any details of my life. Yet they do. Why my life is up for public discussion, criticism, or general observation I will never know. However I can control it and I will stop it. It stops today.
For the record- I am happy. I am moving forward in my life but also for the record I will never forget John nor will I ever live a day that he does not cross my mind. I know that some people think that because I am in a relationship that I will forget John, betray John, or try to convince myself that the person I am with is better than John. There is no comparison and there shouldn't be nor is forgetting John even an option.
Right now I am more hurt than words will ever begin to convey yet I am also incredibly happy. Cleo- the man in my life- is a huge part of that but there are also other factors. I am healthy, my job is stable and most days wonderful, and I do have other people in my life that are incredible and are so supportive that I can only be incredibly grateful. But to have people in my life that I can't trust or that I can't speak to for fear of them spreading the gossip or the details of my life has definitely hurt. But it is something I can control. Unfortunately it means losing some people in my life that I never wanted to lose- but if I can't trust in them then why are they there.
John chose not to introduce me or even talk about me to most people until he was sick- with one exception- because he trusted that person more than he will ever know and so do I- thank you to that one individual. However I now understand why he kept us "quiet"- the talking, the gossiping and the pain that it has brought me is unbelievable.
But I will not let it ruin what I do have in my life- instead I move forward. I move on and I move away. I have plenty of people in my life that support me 100% and do not feel like my life is of any interest to other people. They do not talk about me behind my back nor in front of my face. My life is my own. That is all I ever wanted. I wish you all the same level of happiness I have in my life and none of the hurt.
Kyle

ps.... i really did send this email.... which made me really happy

The story of john

Per request of Megan- and because I have never really told it... This is the story of John as I know it

John was 28 when I "met" him- we met on boston.com personals. He responded to my profile saying that he was intrigued because I said I liked the ballet. He had gone to WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute) and was a software engineer. I thought to myself hmmm smart, educated, and cultured- this I like.

We exchanged emails for about 3 months learning more and more about each other- he had an overbearing mother- I had a crazy background. He loved sushi, I loved Italian. He spent his time at Tae Kwon Do. I spent mine dancing. Finally... He asked me for my screen name. (and you thought he was going to ask me out...ha!)

For months and months after that we "talked" everyday online. It became 2003. We shared our stories of Christmas, debated political views, shared our major triumphs and milestones in life. He got a promotion. His mother lost her job and he was supporting her. His involvement in APO(Alpha Phi Omega- a service fraternity) was eating up all his time. He shared his travels, his stories, his everyday life with me. Yet he still hadn't asked me out.

Finally in May of 2003 almost a year after we met online we finally met. Dinner in the North End- a walk around the city. A good date. Followed by many more. Things finally started getting serious in October. We planned a vacation together. Started to plan life together.

In November my father became very ill- he had a brain tumor. Was given 24 hours to live. John was away that weekend with family. I realized then that I needed this man in my life more than I ever wanted to admit. We rushed my father to a better hospital in the city- he had surgery the next day. John called 15 times during his surgery and was going to come into the city to keep me company while I waited but he was having extreme back pain and could barely move. My father made it through. John and I had plans for the weekend- after we went to his friends turkey party we were back at my place and he asked me to marry him. No ring in hand- nothing really planned- but just blurted it out in typical John fashion. I said I thought that was the right thing but I wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that my father knew that I would be taken care of should anything happen.

A week and a half later my father was released from the rehab-I hadn't said anything about the proposal. That same day he was released-John was admitted to the hospital for his back pain. Two days later we found out it was cancer. The same night he asked me to marry him again. This time I said yes.

December 8th- his 30th birthday- we found out that it was stage 4 colon cancer- it had spread to his spine, his liver, and most concerning his lungs. He refused a prognosis. I found out. They didn't expect him to make it to the new year. We almost lost him two days before Christmas but somehow he pulled himself out of it. He was feeling better. They thought the chemo was working and released him from the hospital on new year's eve.

Martin Luther King weekend he proposed again- this time with a ring. We started planning for a November wedding. The weekend before thanksgiving because we were going to have so much to be thankful for. The day before valentine's day he had his scans scheduled- we were sure it was going to show things were going to be better. He was feeling better. Came home to wait for the results and had an incredible weekend. Tuesday we found out that not only was it not working but we were out of options. One to three months. He lived one. He died March 13, 2004

I had never loved anyone like that before. He changed my life in so many ways. I never will love like that again. But I would also never change anything. He was an incredible person and I will always be thankful to have had him in my life.

balancing act

is there really a better feeling in the world than to wake up in the arms of someone who wants you as part of their life?


now to make that feeling last until his 5 jobs allow him some time with me again.


and to not let the guilt take over



it's quite a balance but the rewards are so worth it

i am so incredibly happy

5 years later

On September 11, 2001 I went into work like any other day But it was a little different from the start. My roomate's grandmother had died over the previous weekend- she had to drive to New York on the 11th to be there for the funeral- my other roomate and I needed to order flowers to send. My brother was flying to L.A. that day- or so my father told me the night before. I was on the phone to the florist in New York when I heard my radio guy say "oh my god, this is real folks- 2nd plane just hit" I hung up on the florist and started to listen to the news. Luckily my roomate was ok- she was in Connecticut on the other side of the city- she couldn't get through but she was fine. My brother had missed his flight that morning- he forgot to turn on the alarm. Luckily- since he was originally on one of the flights that did crash from Boston.

I can't believe it was 5 years ago. How much so many things in life and in the world have changed. I did know someone that died that day- Capt. John Ogonowski from Dracut, Massachusetts. He was the father of one of the girls that I had taught at dance school. For all that he gave, for all that they all gave, and for all that they left behind... i do remember them.

5 and 10

4 things that are making me sad today....

1. The third memorial walk is only 2 weeks away- how is it 3 years that we have been doing this in his memory

2. yet another wedding to go to this weekend- and i still wish he was with me

3. I won't see C. for 2 weeks and that just makes me nervous - not sad- will it be the same when we see each other again- which i know it will be- but my nerves are taking over

4. John is not my first thought in the morning by a longshot- I never thought that would change so much


and.....

10 things that are making me happy today

1. it's been a really nice weekend- haven't had to do too much and have enjoyed my time

2. I saw C. yesterday and he really just does make me happy

3. We are halfway to our goal for the walk and the money doesn't have to be completely raised until January

4. I brought work home with me this weekend and have done none of it

5. it's Katie and Matt's wedding next weekend and that just makes me happy because it will be them and it will finally be upon us

6. I will be seeing a bunch of my friends in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see them

7. I got the nicest note from my father on saturday and am still happy about it

8. C. - pretty much everything about him- and yes i know i mentioned him before- he just makes me that happy

9. a 3 day work week!!

10. i originally labeled the first list 5 things i am sad about and there were really only 4

lesson learned: if your blessings and happiness are greater than the things that make you sad- life can't be bad at all