so the anniversary is coming up...this year all the days match up with the days of the week which makes it a little more real to remember exactly what was happening. I am going to try to write about the events as they happened which will be the first time i have told anyone what really happened over the course of the week that changed my life forever... i need to get this out. I need to look past the pain that was and see the beauty that is left behind....

March 5, 2004

John had been given 1-3 months to live on February 17th. His father had flown out and his parents met with the Drs while john and I had sat in the infusion room. He didn't want to know the specifics of what was going to happen or what could happen. He wanted to keep fighting. He was so stubborn.
On the 1st John's dad and stepmom left for Hawaii for 2 weeks. John really didn't want him to go but Pat said nothing was going to happen while he was away and the Drs and John knew how to reach him. By the 4th John was having a hard time talking on the phone to me at all. He was at home and part of the time his mom wouldn't let him talk to me and the other part of the time he was too weak and tired to talk.
I said to John the morning of the 5th that I would be over that night. But John told me his mother was forbidding me to come over. That I would not be allowed to see him - and at this point we were both very scared that the next time I would see him he would no longer be here on this earth. I told him not to worry too much we would work something out. That was Friday.

So this week-- in the midst of a lot of soul searching and figuring things out (which by the way J just called and I didn't have the impulse to throw up so must be making some progress)- I was talking with a very good friend.
She said to me that I always bend to fit the guy- what he wants and if I don't match his criteria then I think I don't have a shot. So then she asked me what kind of guy do I want- what would be my criteria... and the only answer that I could give her was that I want John.
And that is the honest truth.
And that is the heartbreaking impossibility.
So now I am trying to figure out what about him I would want in another person. There were so many qualities about him that I loved.
All that it boils down to is that I still miss my best friend-- and I am still looking for that in another.... one day I hope to find it.

heartbroken

so J and I are no longer...
he met another girl... or I should say he has known another girl...
he is in love with me and loves me very much... but has known her longer and has started to fall in love with her....
I am heartbroken... but am happy for him and have no ill feelings whatsoever... wish I could be mad at him... I have to see him every day and it might help to be mad... but instead I am just sad....

I am back out and dating.. and I have hope... but mostly I am just feeling defeated lately... that I once had everything and now I have nothing... and all I want is the one person I will never be able to have....
hopefully one day someone will come along to change that....
in the meantime...

note to self

Dear Self

In case a time ever comes where you cannot remember this time in your life....

you are incredibly happy. happier than you have been in such a long time. joyful even.

you love.

you have beautiful people around you. both near and far. they are what make you. they are the reason that you have made it these past years and the reason that you will always make it. they make you laugh every single day.they love you and you them. they have added to your life in ways you have never imagined.

you have a job but more than that you have a job that you love. even when it aggrevates you to no end and you feel like walking away you love it too much to do that any time soon. your coworkers are some of the best people and you have fun there.

you miss him but not like you used to-- or at least not most days. but that's ok because it's not like you ever forget him and self you will never need to be reminded about that great man because he is a part of you and who you have become.

you have a life. a wonderful life. a life with meaning. full of joy and love and even purpose. a life filled with new life- filled with babies that are the most wonderful little humans you could ever imagine.

you love. and self that is the most wonderful discovery after these years of not knowing if that would be possible again. and even better you have learned to love
yourself.

there have been 14 babies born this summer in my life. 14 friends that have such beautiful babies. there are 8 boys and 6 girls and all of them are completely healthy (auntie kyle is completely broke from spoiling them too much).

to be surrounded by new life has been so wonderful for me. it reminds me that life can be beautiful and untouched by the negative. that sometimes it is absolutely perfect.

there is such joy around me right now and i just want to make sure i look back and appreciate this moment.

ps- everything with j is amazing

thinking in new ways

in typical fashion- i am kicking myself because i spent 3 years of my life trying to make c love me and he never did.

but now i am going to think in a new way

if i had just been with john and then with j (new guy) and not had c--- i would have never appreciated what a wonderful man j is.

going from a good guy to a good guy would have never taught me anything

going from a good guy--- to a not so good guy--- to a good guy-- has taught me everything i ever needed to know--- at least for now

i had posted this on f---book at the 5 year mark. i don't ever want to lose it so am going to post it here too.

How can it be 5 years?

Five years without his voice, without his laugh, his smile, his words, his love. Five years of missing him, of missing us, of missing the person I got to be with him.

Five years of watching some of the people in his life come and go out of mine. Not being ok with that because they are my only links to him. Learning to live with it anyway. Knowing his friends have moved forward- gotten married, bought houses, moved, had babies—thinking how much he would have loved all of it. Realizing they struggle just as much as I do sometimes.

Five years of wondering what would have been. Would our wedding have been everything we were planning? Would our marriage have been everything we hoped for? Where would we have ended up living? Would the dream of Isabella or Anthony/ Andrew/ Michael have happened yet? Would we have been happy?

Five years of time marching forward. He would have been 35 now. Instead I have outlived him by a year and a half. That was never supposed to happen. When you fall in love with an older man- he is always supposed to be older. Instead- he is forever 30. Who dies when they’re 30? How does that make any sense at all?

Five years of making mistakes. Of being the one left to live life and therefore coming to some incorrect decisions. But also five years of learning to live with the mistakes and to keep on going. Time spent second guessing. Wishing that there could be some do-overs in life but knowing that sometimes it’s just not possible. Hoping to take some words back and wishing that others were said. Missing a lot of people and not just the one that is forever missing.

Five years of walking in the doors to work wondering why couldn’t they have saved him? They are able to save so many. How is it possible that these wonderful people were not able to save him? Aren’t they the best in the world? Shouldn’t that alone have been enough? Living a dual life of loving that place because of the comfort, friendships, and memories it offers but also hating its very existence. Wondering when his nurse practitioner will stop looking at me with that look in her eyes. I hate that look. I hate that they still feel just as guilty as I do. That they let him down. That I let him down. That they let me down. That we let everyone down.

Five years of hoping that my love was enough for him. Wishing that I knew for sure.

Five years. 60 months. One thousand eight hundred twenty five days. All that time spent trying to picture him in my head. His big brown eyes and funny smile. His scratchy goatee and his soft hands. Trying to hear his words in my heart. Remembering the good – dinners in the north end, immeasurable amounts of sushi, kisses after baseball games, a turkey party with friends that were (and still are) family, endless monopoly games in hospital rooms, Christmas with the nutcracker in the background, valentines with pearls and a specific black dress, weekends full of friends calling and visiting, a diamond ring that meant more than any carat size ever will. Fearing the nightmares of the bad- oxygen masks, chemo bags, canes, walkers, wheelchairs, no more options, last words, struggling for breath, wake, funeral, burial, death.

Five years of loss, laughter, memories, love. Five years of knowing no matter how many times you say you love someone it will never be enough when they are gone forever. Five years of lost innocence. Of knowing that other people are so lucky to be fairly oblivious to this kind of pain. But also five years of learning that the pain doesn’t kill you. The pain is just the reminder to cherish what is still here. To appreciate the people that haven’t died, but instead keep you alive with their compassion for you. To appreciate the new ones that come. To be surprised by the people that show up that you would never have guessed would and to be disappointed by the ones that just disappear. To remind yourself that you have to move forward, you have to open up again. That life is not just full of pain- it is full of joy too. It is full of finding the balance between missing him and loving another and the wonderful discovery that it can be possible with the right person and it is ok to live forward. But always, always, always missing the one that is gone.

Five years of wishing for just one more conversation, one more laugh, one more hug, one more kiss, one more smile, one more anything. Coming to grips with the reality that none of it will ever happen.

Five years. I miss you John. I miss you. The you that only I knew and the person that made me the happiest I had ever been. I loved you and still do more than you may have ever known. I remember you today and every day for everything that you brought to my life and everything that you took with you when you left. Thank you for being my confidante, my love, my best friend. Life is not the same without you- it never will be. You still live in every space of my heart and always will.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My life is so different now than what it was when i wrote that.... however i do believe that the balance of loving another is still possible.

last night i was on te phone with J. He said to me that if he had the chance he would love to hug John and thank him for being the best thing in my life- and making it possible for me to love the way i do.

the tears formed in my eyes but then they stopped because there is really nothing but joy here. There has been a lot of pain in the past year or so- but now there is only joy. joy and love and gratitude for what was- and what might be.

I miss him still- i always will. But there is a hope about me that makes it impossible to focus on what is gone. For the first time in a long time I think that my dreams may in fact come true.

to Alicia--- a long time ago you left a comment here about your relationship with a man that was similar to C- that you struggled with some of the same things that I was struggling with. And after you broke up you met your husband. You give me hope. You always have.

in case anyone still reads this....

the chapter of my life that was c. is over. i ended it. we wanted two very different things and i was not willing to wait for him to want what i need.

however- it seems as though someone had been partially waiting in the wings. i have known him for a very long time and i love that he gets me and has known me and knew what i went through with john. he was there then just for me-- not for the memory of him.

he is there now--- but for the both of us.

c has been feeling pretty sick lately. not sick like a flu but sick as in a number of things that scare the both of us. blurred vision, forgetting things, tired all the time. things that aren't like him. he is headed to the dr to be checked out

at the same time he said to me- don't worry - if it is something bad you are still young enough to start over. and then the truth came out....

i don't want to start over-- never again

i know i can't say never but i can't even picture having to start over- not again

i know that people that don't understand this world think that it would be easy enough to just try again- but we know. we know the days and nights of unbelievable heartache. i know my strength and limitations - that i just don't have it in me to do again

he of course realized as soon as he said i what he said--and the poor man's face turned green as anything. he apologized profusely.

but still it doesn't change the fact that i don't think i could handle going through anything like that again- at least not anytime soon

vacation is good--- i am realizing exactly how much exhaustion i have built up in a year and a half with no time off . glad i took 2 weeks as i am still pretty worn out.

there will be some more posts coming in the next few days. i have big plans. first though a trip to the beach :)

staycation

i am so excited!!

i do not have to step foot into work for 16 days :)

my first vacation in a year and a half which i cannot believe

what am i doing with all this time?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

spa day tomorrow, movies, library, books, beach, friends, c

just the thought of all of these things is making me unwind just a little bit

um

ok so you know how everyone has that one friend in life that is your fallback person- in my case a fallback guy. you know the guy you can't stay away from and sooner or later iwll probably end up with.

well i just found out my fallback guy got married.

therefore taking away his title of fallback guy

which means nothing really- haven't seen him in about 4 years.

but it has thrown me a little- i mean i know i will be with c. probably forever but still. i need to catch my breath.

update

so this time i really have an excuse for not updating.... i finally moved. It was a lot more heartwrenching than i thought it would be as i moved into the apartment i was in a week after john died. there were so many things i had just put in the attic and never looked at. moving forced me to deal with them.

but enough of the bad- i love my new place. i am now living alone in a smaller town closer to rhode island. the rents were cheaper, i was able to get a 2 bedroom all to myself, and my commute although i now live 30 miles farther away is on average about an hour shorter. best part---- c lives only 20 minutes away. no we are still not living together but that will come eventually. this was a very big step for me and for now i do want to live alone no matter how much i love him.

yesterday i bought a brand new car. no longer do i have to wonder if when it rains i will be able to get to where i need to go. i love it and am incredibly happy with this new independence in life. c is so proud of me and also admits to being a little jealous too. but we are building some sort of life together and things are honestly wonderful between us.

all in all life is good

loving out loud

I was speaking to someone the other day about John and some things that I really missed about him. One of the things that came up was that John would say "I love you" no matter who was in hearing distance or where we were or what we were doing, and sometimes I really miss that.

I miss other people knowing that I am loved.

Don't get me wrong- C loves me. He loves me in a much different way than John ever did. It is a quiet kind of love. The kind that is not expressed verbally very often but when it is it means so much to both of us. It's more in the quiet between us and within the confines of it just being the two of us. With him it means a little more to me because I know it doesn't come easily to him to express it.

But I miss just hearing it across the room- yes John would just yell out, "Hey hon I really love you" across very crowded rooms at random times. I don't necessarily need to hear it but I need other people to know that C. really does feel that way about me. I tell them but sometimes it's like I am trying to prove that he does, not that he really does feel that way.

the thing is though-- why should it matter to other people. that's what bothers me- why do i let it matter? And I don't have a good answer to that- except somehow it does. Or it does with certain people. Mainly people who were John's friends. I need it not to matter because C is never going to be the man that will express any emotion like that in front of anyone. Shouldn't it be enough for me that he expresses it just to me?

4 years and one day

yesterday was 4 years. 4 long and painful, joyous and heartbreaking years. it was not a good day at all. it's the one day a year i wish i didn't work where he died. it broke me yesterday. walking in those doors and hating the fact that i am there everytime that they need me but the one time i needed them they failed me.

i know it's irrational. there are plenty of people that they are not able to save. but i just couldn't see past the fact that they didn't pull it out in the end for me. not yesterday-- every other day i look past it- or i try to. but yesterday- yesterday it nearly made me quit the job that i really do love. i broke down two horrible times and then somehow pulled it together to go to a few meetings and try to function.

the thing is though- no matter how happy i am in my life- i feel broken. like i am not who i could have been. and i don't know how i will ever feel differently.

moving

So this spring will bring new changes in life. I honestly cannot wait.

I am leaving H2Otown for greener pastures--- or at least different ones

Moving south of the city- a region I honestly despise but am doing out of love. C lives down there and no I am not moving in with him- or at least that is not the plan right now. But I am moving to live closer to him so that we have a shot of seeing each other more often.

Right now it takes him an hour and a half each wayto get to me. The town where I am looking at the most is only 20 minutes away from him.

It's also only 10 minutes away from one of my closest friends that I rarely get to see!

and the best part is I will be living on the commuter rail. It will literally take me less time to commute to work travelling 20 miles or so than it does now commuting 6 miles on the bus.

South shore here I come--- which honestly are the things that we do out of love--- because honestly being a north of the city girl- as I am- I never thought in athousand years I would ever live anywhere near where I am going to be

still alive

yes I am still here.

haven't felt like wrting the past few months. living my life has taken the front seat. well that and working in a thankless job that has had me down a lot of the time lately.

updates:

job= sucks. we have lost a great many patients over the past few months. and when you work in pediatric oncology that is never a good thing. it has a way of getting you down and keeping you down

home= we went through a roomate crisis but now hae a new one. and i hae beautiful new furniture that i absolutely love. also have a new washer that was a saga and a half but in the end is really great howeer word to the wise; never ever buy from sears. $1800 dollars for a $400 washer- I will leave it at that

widowhood= some days great some days not. part of this new life that will always be with us i think. i miss him- enough said.

friends= eh. i've learned that i do have a few ery good friends. i have also learned that i had some "friends" that weren't really friends as soon as my life went in a direction that they didn't like. oh well.

c= great. we are so happy together and just so happy period. we are finding it more and more challenging to not live together but for the time being it is for the best. we treasure our time together and value it more than anything. he continues to amaze me and makes me laugh more than i ever have.

i promise to try to write more- it's my resolution because there are things that need to be written about. I still read every day a bunch of blogs and want to get back into it.

finally a diagnosis

So for the past 4 years- yes i did say years- some of my doctors have thought that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- and then some didn't. Some believe you have to have cysts in order to have it- some think you just need symptoms of it- some think you need blood tests to confirm it.

Finally my doctor believes I have it 100%. My symptoms prove it, my blood proves it... who cares about my ovaries...she does-- but thankfully there are no cysts to be seen

so what does this mean?

well..focusing on the positive--- my doctor is almost 100% sure it's why I can't lose any weight no matter what I do-- and I mean no matter what--- I exercise daily, I eat healthy, I do everything that they say to do--and yet instead of weight coming off it comes on. So this is somewhat of a validation that I am not crazy- nor is something drastically wrong. It screws with your metabolism as well as insulin resistance.

it also could lead to type 2 diabetes, hair in unwanted places, acne, and for me the biggest concern-- it sometimes also suggests infertility- or at least issues getting pregnant.

considering i have never really tried to get pregnant I suppose I shouldn't worry about it-- but honestly-- that one thing scares me more than anything. The one thing I have always said I wanted in life is a child and no matter what I will have one- adoption or other means. But I hope it doesn't speak badly of me that I would just like to have one the somewhat traditional way. No offense I hope to anyone. I have always said I want to adopt-- but is it so wrong of me to just want to have one biologically.

I know this is all putting the cart before the horse... who knows I might have no issues whatsoever. Most indications point to the fact that the symptoms that also lead to symptoms of infertility are ones that I don't have.

in the meantime ther is a major sort of decision to be made. My doctor wants to put me on Metformin. The more I read the more it scares me a little that the side effects are so unpleasant... i am going back and forth on it.... anyone out there have any experience with this????

no news is good news

as summer comes to a close I realize how quickly it has gone by and how little time i have had for anything. Life though is good- it is very good. Work is crazy busy- 2 people have left which in a department of 5 is a whole heck of a lot- but somehow we are managing. C. is great-- although I always wish for more time with him but he has truly none to give. It's a struggle but worth it every day. Other than that just a whole lot of babies and weddings and housewarmings. Never ending events. I love being busy but I can sense it's time for me to take a much needed break. This weekend is looking almost empty so hopefully rest will come.

the pearls

Have I ever told you how thoughtful and just plain romantic John was. He truly was an old fashioned romantic. So it disturbed him greatly that he couldn't surprise me with my engagement ring. He had to shop for it online instead of in a store because he was housebound. I saw it when he found it online because he couldn't keep it to himself and he needed me to find his credit card. So not the surprise he wanted all his life.

But he made up for it on valentine's day 2004. He kept saying to me I needed to find a black dress. Find a new black dress. He teased me over and over again. So I went shopping one night and bought a dress I knew he would love- low cut and short- what more could a man want. I figure we were going to try to go out to dinner or maybe have it delivered in and he wanted to feel normal. Of course I would play along. Anything to make him feel like himself at a time when he was anything but.

So I get to his house and he's dressed up in a shirt and tie with his oxygen tubes and his catheter. It was the first time he wasn't in pajamas in 2 months. We sat down to a wonderful italian carry out dinner. And I figured this was my surprise - and what a wonderful gift it was. To see him in his element and happy as a clam that he had pulled one off on me.

Dinner was over. We were curled up on the couch watching a movie. He pulled a little box out from behind his back and said, "I think this is the perfect accessory for that dress." I opened the box and there was a beautiful pair of pearl and diamond earrings. Just the right size pearl with a little diamond attached. They were gorgeous. And somehow in that moment I fell in love with him again- not that we weren't completely in love but just for one minute it didn't feel like I was marrying a terminally ill cancer patient.

Later on that night we were lying in his bed. Something that his mother never permitted as I was supposed to sleep in the guest room. But that night was special and she said as long as I went to bed at some point of course we could curl up in his room- otherwise known as the dining room- in his hospital bed. SO there we were- me ever so cautiously trying not to anger his mother by wearing a cute little black cami and these black satin pajama pants with little red and pink hearts on them. John said he thought that even though I looked content something was still missing. He leaned over to his nightstand, opened his drawer, and pulled out a larger box with a big pink ribbon on it. I opened it to find a gorgeous strand of pearls to match the earrings. I was so surprised. He had pulled off the complete romantic gesture. He was so proud of himself for completely surprising me.

A month later I was even more surprised to be wearing those pearls to his funeral.

3 years and 5 months later I packaged those pearls up and lent them out today.

You see one of John's closest friends is getting married in October and today was her wedding shower. I am in the wedding. I am fully aware that I am only in this wedding as a way to honor him and his presence in her life. So for about a month now I have been grappling with what to give her as an appropriate shower gift. About a week ago I figured out that the best thing to give her would be a gift from him.

So today after all the presents had been opened (don't worry- she also got one of her place settings and a spa gift card from me), and after most of the guests had left I pulled her aside and gave her a card. Then I gave her the pearls. Then she broke down and so did I.

For in this romantic time of her life she misses her "big brother". The person that would have told her how proud he was of her and how happy he was for her. And I had put that in the card.
She said that she had thought of him this morning while waiting for the guests. That life still doesn't feel complete without him there. And that she knows she will feel a void on her wedding day. But then that card and those pearls changed that feeling- for now she has a piece of him to be with her then.

I can't begin to tell you how good today felt. Those pearls might have been the best thing he ever gave me. They brought him so much joy in giving them to me and today I felt that same sense of joy. For just one moment life was perfect. He will somehow be with her on her wedding day. For now that is enough. Those pearls- the biggest surprise he ever pulled off- the most romantic gesture of them all will be part of the most romantic and happiest day of her life. For just one moment everything felt perfect again.