have you ever...

saw this at pentha's looked like fun figured why not...

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone you love
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity (hello jimmy fund!!)
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (does the car ride from the funeral home to the church count?)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married--( don't i wish this was bold some days....)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care- i wish it was hospice instead of a cold sterile hopital room in the cancer ward
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair- since i was 14!!
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life - does my own count??


i am surprised that i have done so many things or felt so many things- some days it feels like i have barely started living

3 separate posts- one very mixed up girl

ever feel happy, sad, and miserable all at the same time? that's where i am today... might as well get it all out in one post instead of 3...
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happy....

i have a boyfriend! ok this might not be ground breaking news seeing as i have been seeing the same man for the past 9 months-- however-- he finally has used the label and is agreeing to my use of it. stupid i know but this is in fact progress. he thought that the "b" word shouldn't be used until he is able to make more of a time commitment... but today has thrown all caution to the wind... this little word has me abslutely beaming and i would be incredibly happy except for....

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sad....

it is now march. not a lot of good memories found here. i can barely belive it will be 3 years on the 13th. so far it's not the crushing of emotions i have had the past ew years more like the drone of white noise. that there is something sad that is making me generally sad but not overwhelming like in years past. years... did i just say years plural? yikes. theres that rush of sadness. i know i will make it through it- it's just so sad. its not that i miss him so much as that i miss who i got to be with him. almost fearless, almost trusting that happiness doesn't just vanish, almost believing that life can be good. almost... but not quite. i feel a little sad that john will never meet c. (how weird is that) . i think he would like him. at times they can be very simlar but of course so completely different. is it weird to be sad about that? im also incredibly sad that john can't see all the changes that are taking place in his friends' lives. i don't really know too much firsthand because of what i said a few months ago. but i do know that one of his friends is expecting a baby in a few days, another has bought their first house, and yet another has made some major life decisions just in the past few weeks. this last one is what makes me feel....

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miserable...

dave has made some major life decisions in his life lately. and i wish i could just be supportive of them but in all honesty i am not. and because of these decisions i really don't feel i can stay a part of his life. i cant hide my feelings about them nor can i pretend like i agree. this has made me absolutely miserable. dave had become like a brother to me and i cant picture my life without him in it at the same time i cant picture keeping my mouth shut for years on end. i really dont know what to do-- but for right now i am letting myself feel the loss of this friendship because even if things can somehow be fixed they will never be the same.....

good things

on the positive side of life because there needs to be a positive i am spending part of my weekend in a lamaze class.... no it's not me that is having a baby... but i am very excited to serve as a coach to one of my very good friends who has decided to take the very courageous step and purposefully becoming a single parent. i have great admiration for her and cannot wait for b's arrival.

i have said many times in my life that if i am single at a certain point in my life that i would become a mother. i want a child. i know i would be a good mother. of course watching the logistics of my friend handling this has brought me into a reality of sorts, it's a lot harder than just being a good mother. or being a good mother involves a lot more than just loving your child. no matter what though b. will be a very blessed and lucky child and i can't wait to be an "auntie"

withdrawal

i haven't felt much like talking to anyone lately. just am going through the motions of living. not living well but making it. i know all of this family stuff has taken a toll on me. it's just getting harder every day instead of easier which makes every day a nightmare. i have begun to wonder how much pain and suffering any person will witness in their lives. feeling like i have already witnessed more than i feel capable of handling. ever watch a late stage alzhimers patient? that is my father every day for the past 3years but it is finally taking its toll on me. because he isn't going anywhere. there are still years and years most likely ahead of this confusion in his brain where he no longer knows anyone yet knows that they have a reason to be in his life. it's not alzheimers and he can function daily and i suppose i should be grateful for that but how much does it mean to have a family when the family doesn't know that you are family?

so i feel the need to withdraw. my 3 year mark is coming up swiftly. more so the reminders of the most painful days of my life are ahead of me. i feel like the only place that i can really talk is here so i will probably be doing that a lot more in the near future. i hope you will bear with me.

grey's

Tonight while watching Grey's Anatomy I found myself sobbing. Not just a few tears but outright sobbing.

that brush. those lines. just knowing that they are in the same place as us. it really hit me hard.

since john died there have been so many moments where i have felt that i feel him. not so hard to believe in the beginning where all you want to do is feel them. but as time wore on those moments disappeared.

lately though they have been back. just the other day i was walking into work and got into the elevator and i swear i could feel him. of course he had been there with me numerous times but it was like he was there and for that moment everything felt undisturbed. everything was upright and correct i nthe world. for just that one second. and then he was gone. and i was shaken to my very core.

maybe it is like the show said. for one moment that was us. that is all we have now. those moments. and as much as i wouldn't trade my current happiness for anything i still live for those moments where everything feels almost perfect again

odd

so this morning i woke up crying and hyperventilating. I had been dreaming about my engagement ring. i couldn't remember what it looked like....

so i took it out when i got dressed this morning and put it on today. first time i have worn it in about a year and a half- i put it on my right hand and wore it all day today. but still the whole thing is odd to me.

it feels odd, my nonmemory of it was odd, it's just been an odd day. so much a part of me and yet not a part of the new me. just plain odd.

don't judge a book

I have a great passion for reading- developed at an early age by my parents- two teachers if I have never mentioned that before. Growing up I used to read a book a day- I had to- that was the rule in our house. Even now because of the large amount of my life spent on public transportation I read about a book every other day.

For most normal people this would mean getting a library card. I however have a problem with libraries. Somehow I never remember to return the books- causing a great fear in me that I am on the most wanted posters in libraries and won't be allowed through the doors without alarms going off and security guards rushing me.

So in having this problem it has caused me to spend an inordinate amount of money at b&n. Like more money than I pay in rent. It was a sad state of affairs. But then I discovered this. A service like netflix but for books. I figure this will save me enough money that I should have that downpayment on the house in no time ;)

I took a look at my list today as I just returned 2 books and will be receiving 2 more this week. I always have 4 out at a time. But in looking at my list i am realizing how eclectic my tastes are. I have a fair amount of chick lit on there- because most of the time i like to read frivolous stuff. But then I have some poly sci books, some psychology books, some classics. I'm all over the map.

The book I am reading now- which I suggest everybody at some point in their lives read one of his books is by Jonathon Kozol- a sociologist that did most of his studies in poverty and its effects on children and society in general. Currently I am reading Rachel and Her Children, but the first book I read by him was first semester freshman year in college- Amazing Grace. This book literally changed my life. I was in college as a chemistry major but after reading this book changed my major to Political Science with the hopes o one day working to change this society. Hopefully one day that will happen- in the meantime once a year I read this book to remind me of how life is for some people, how lucky I was to grow up the way I did. How lucky I am to be able to read it in the first place. If you have a chance pick it up. It's so worth the time it will take you to read it. It will change your life- I guarantee it.

Amazing what the power of the written word can do. Sometimes I take that for granted. Off to turn off the tv and do some reading.

so C. is sick. and in him being sick I have discovered he is about the biggest baby you could ever imagine. granted i think my sympathetic nerve for men being sick was used up with john however.....

he has the stomach flu.... you would think that he was dying.

yet more and more every day i am falling in love with him- and i think seeing him this vulnerable has been good. sometimes we just need the reminder that we aren't superhuman.

the really sucky part is that i can't see him until he is better since i can not risk even getting the slightest bit sick right now

cancer

As you may have noticed I have added a fight cancer badge to my blog. I came across another blog of another young widow who had one on hers and if you want one of your own you can find them here: acswebbadge.org

They state at the site that you should do one of these things if you put a badge up on your site:

What does it mean to say “I Fight Cancer”? When you display an “I Fight Cancer” badge on your blog, you commit to one or more of the following: -Write a blog entry on your experience with cancer-Invite 5 bloggers to display the badge-Talk to your friends and family about getting screened for cancer-Wear a matching American Cancer Society wrist band-Get involved in local American Cancer Society events and programs, like Relay For Life or Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.-Or, make a donation.

I am choosing to do the first one-- I do a bunch of the others as well but I don't think I have ever spoken directly of cancer here before so I am going to try

Cancer

cancer seems like it has always been a part of my life. I remember when I was very little being told my grandfather had died of it at a very young age. In third grade my grandma was diagnosed with throat cancer and lived for three miserable years with it. My uncle had a form of it as a late stage development of HIV. All of these people. All of this suffering. Yet I still did not know what an impact cancer would have on me

Cancer is my job. It is my livelihood. If there weren't people with cancer I would be unemployed. If research was not needed my skill set would have no value. Yet what I wouldn't-or any one that I work with - wouldn't give to be unemployed. I work at one of the top cancer institutes in the country. Just the other day a friend said to me, "I don't know how you can work there- I was there for 10 minutes and couldn't look around at the sadness that exists behind those doors." But why I work there is for the reminder that people can actually live with this disease. That even with my small part of the whole we are helping to make sure more and more people live with this fricking disease.

Too bad when it mattered most it couldn't help me. I lost my John to 4 months of colon cancer. 4 months of living, breathing, feeling the havoc this disease wreaked on his and my life. 4 months of knowing that as long as i live i will always be trying to make sure no one went through what we did. 4 months of knowing that cancer is just a disease- it is not the person. it is not what makes and comprises a person- it is so limited.

one of my friends had sent this poem to me and i believe it is so true:

Cancer is so limited that:
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

houses

So being 29 edging closer to 30 I definitely have been thinking lately that it's time to make somewhat of a grownup step and start looking at houses. Interest rates are ok. My credit is doing good. Im starting to feel financially ok. So maybe it's time. So I have started looking.

1st issue. I live in Massachusetts. Home of the housing bubble. EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING is too pricey. I have looked at condos, houses, multi families. I have looked in the city, in the suburbs, up by the New Hampshire line, down by Rhode Island. I have now come to the conclusion the only places to look are west and south. But by west I mean really west- like past Worcester west. More like past the Connecticut line west.

Now I make a decent living. I don't really have too many expenses. how is it that I feel like I can't afford a simple 2 bedroom condo. I will tell you why. Even though housing prices are "falling" they have not fallen to the affordable level yet- i don't know if they ever will. Unless affordable eans spending 300,000 on 900 square feet and no yard.

I think about where I grew up. A nice house- 4 bedrooms- 2 baths- a large yard. I know that the house that I grew up in cost about 100,000. It is now appraised at 700,000. Why? it's the same house. It's in the same crappy town. It's older - I just don't get it. But what I do get is that I want to have a house like that someday.

I grew up in just that one house. There wasn't a "starter house" mentality back in those days. Now I am approaching real estate like a starter house, maybe a middle house and then finally the house that I want.

That is unless I move. Which I am back to debating- though that raises another huge debate. But it does get depressing when this is what 150,000 can get me where I would like to relocate to:
http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=5&mlsttl=&frm=bymap&pgnum=1&mls=xmls&js=on&target=&ct=Durham&st=NC&sbint=&sbls=&sblo=&stype=&areaid=1046&mnsqft=&fid=so&vtsort=&mnprice=150000&mxprice=99999999&mnbed=0&mnbath=0&typ=1&poe=realtor&x=9&y=7&sid=0812678ADDCBC&snumxlid=1066870899&lnksrc=00001

and here is what it gets me here:

http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=31&locallnk=yes&frm=bymap&mnbed=0&mnbath=0&mnprice=0&mxprice=150000&js=off&pgnum=4&fid=so&stype=&mnsqft=&mls=xmls&areaid=1004&poe=realtor&ct=Boston&st=MA&sbint=&vtsort=&sorttype=&typ=1&typ=2&typ=4&x=55&y=4&sid=081268531AFFC&snumxlid=1056409875&lnksrc=00001
just something to think about

new layout

feeling a little bored tonight and started playing around--- here's the new look... do you like it?

just a quick update on me and my life

brother and father hospital update- my brother is doing ok. hopefully released this week. my father is my father. this situation has not been good for the past 3 years. it's probably not going to get any better. dave told me at least i had a chance to say goodbye and in some ways he is right. in ther ways i never had the chance- the father that i knew growing up is long gone and no i din't have the chance to say goodbye. one seizure and he was gone. some days he can remember he had a daughter and some days no. some days i am 6 years old and other days non-existent. no matter what he doesn't know me as i am today. that hurts more than anyone might ever know.

job update- my job is driving me crazy. i am absolutely bored. i've told my boss i need a challenge but i don't know if that has sunk in with her or not as nothing has changed and it has been a while- close to a year.

c. update- i could say more than a few sentences about him and maybe he deserves his own update later on this week. we are together- we are mostly happy- his life is insanely complicated and i still wish that were partly different but at the same time i wouldn't trade him in for anything. if anything it makes me want to hold onto him more.

other updates- i need to start writing more- there has been so much going on. there are stories i wish to tell. there are emotions that i need to sort through. all of it needs time. but generally life is good- complicated but good

Dave, fathers, and friendship

As I have said before there are certain friends in my life that really do just make my life. D or Dave is one of those people

Dave was one of John's friends. Actually he is the person that pushed John to finally get it over with and meet me. Actually he asked me out on a date with John before John did. Never spoke to the boy before in my life yet here he was asking me to meet john at a dinner that all of his friends would be at. We didn't meet that night but met shortly afterward.

I never met Dave until John got sick. I didn't talk to him too much until that point either. But when John got sick Dave was one of the few friends that was ok visiting him in the hospital and even treated him the same way unlike some of his other friends.

I don't remember seeing Dave at the funeral or wake though I know he was there. There were just too many people and I was in an extreme fog. But I do remember signing onto aim about a week after the funeral and Dave immediately said hello. He told me that he hoped that I wouldn't disappear from his life just because John was gone. From that point I knew that we were to have a very special friendship.

We talk every day online. We have helped each other through so much. We have had our fair share of arguments. Lately things haven't been so good between us. I think his relationship has changed him. He thinks that things have changed but can't put a finger on exactly what.

Then on Tuesday I got a text message from him that his father had died. Words can't begin to tell you the sorrow that I feel for him. At the same time it has brought some feelings to the surface for me that make the situation just difficult.

You see about 2 weeks ago my father had a seizure. Tests revealed that another tumor is growing. He is refusing surgery. We just decided last week to enter him into visiting nurses- sliding down the road to hospice care.

I feel so guilty that I have had the last 3 years to patch things over with my father and I am still not ok that he may soon be gone- sooner rather than later. Yet here is my closest friend - more like a brother- who lost his father suddenly on the other side of the world. What I wouldn't give to trade places. To let Dave have a chance to say goodbye and to let myself not watch the misery of death that we know my father is going to experience.

I am not going to the services. I can't watch that happen to my friend. I know that's so selfish of me, but knowing what looms in my future I just can't do it to myself right now. On top of the logistics. The services will be in Brooklyn, the shiva in Staten Island and Connecticut. On top of my father, my brother is in the hospital along with his girlfriend because of a car accident. They both might be released this week but in any case I need to be home right now. Dave doesn't know any of this. I don't want to tell him until after everything is said and done, after he gets home from packing his father's apartment in Korea.

But it must appear to him that I just don't care- when the reality is I care so much. Without Dave I would not have made it I don't think after John's death. He kept me going every day. He still does. I guess the question is how to be there for him without being there- because I can't be there for my best interest.

"you have used John's death to advance your career"

What?!!?!!

One of my coworkers said this to me and also said this to my boss this week. Needless to say I am none too happy at my job right now. But I guess it did give me food for thought

Have I done this somehow? I do work at the cancer center where he was treated, where they gave me time every day to be with him, where my boss turned into one of John's admirers and friends. I do make a ton more money now than I did when he died because my boss keeps promoting me. The doctors all know where I have come from and I believe respect me a little more than they do my colleague. Is that because I have had the opportunity to get to know them on a more personal level- when they helped advise me in John's treatment. My colleagues do know that every year we try to raise a substantial amount of money to go towards this place that he admired so much. My work and my personal life have become entwined but more out of necessity than out of wanting it to.

When this colleague said this to me I was dumbfounded. How could anyone's death bring any good into their life. I was so hurt since it came from someone who started in the office a little more than a year ago. She was not there when everything transpired. Yes I do know that my boss respects me every day for walking through the doors of the place that held so much of my life in their hands at one point. Yes I do know that some of my coworkers continually acknowledge how hard some days can be for me to be at work. But have I used that to my advantage in my career??? I don't really know. Has definitely given me something to think about

unfair

life currently is striking me as incredibly unfair. Not to me in particular but to a lot of people in my life. A widow friend is facing more loss and more illness which strikes me as so unfair to a woman who has been through enough to begin with. a friend from work just lost her husband in almost the same way and amount of time as i did. only she has a 5 year old son. i met with a family at work that has a daughter who is 10 that is terminal that just found out their other daughter who is 13 has just been diagnosed with a different form of cancer- also not good news. an acquaintance of mine just lost her son in a car accident- at 19. Honestly how much is too much? and when can we say that life is unfair?

from day one i have tried to say that everything that happened in my life is fair. that it was god's will. but how exactly can this all be god's will. I just can't fathom it

a weighty topic

Another year....another diet.... back to weight watchers I go.

It feels like there hasn't been a single day of my life that I haven't struggled with my weight. When I was younger-overweight. When I was a teenager - eating disorder central. As an adult- back to overweight-- actually in technical terms- obese.

When I hear that word it makes me want to throw up.

Obese- sounds like a pig. And sometimes I do feel like I qualify as that. The thing is no one can ever guess how much I weigh. They know I am overweight but not to the extreme that I am. Let's just say at this point I could lose around 100 pounds and be in the normal range for my height and age. Strange that years ago I was about 60 pounds underweight.

Now I have come to realize that I need to lose this weight- not 100 pounds--- more like 70 (oh yeah cause that sounds any better?!!) Why do I need to lose this weight? Not because I want to be a twig. Not because I want to attract a man (have one who likes me just the way I am- thank goodness) But because I want to live.

I think I hid in food from the moment John died. Not unhealthy food and not necessarily too much of it- just the wrong food. But now I want to come out of hiding. I want to be able to have a life, have children one day, be healthy enough to run with them or even just run around now with some friends. I need to do this. I need to stick with it. So far so good- 3 pounds gone- now only 67 more to go ( now that sounds better than 70!)

Christmas and other mentionables

So Christmas came and went, 3rd Christmas without him, first one with C. I have to admit it's the first holiday that I have thoroughly looked forward to. It did not disappoint. Saw C. Christmas eve- spent Christmas day alone. Honestly it's not as bad as it sounds, I promise. Saw my family the next day. All in all was a nice time.

I think that the more time goes by the more that I feel that life is making me happier and happier. Yes there are challenges every day. Yes sometimes i honestly cannot breathe bcause of the pain certain memories cause me. Yes I still come almost close to hyperventilating when someone I care about has to go to the Dr's and tests are ordered and I don't think any of those feelings will ever go away.

So here we approach 2007. 3 months until 3 years. on the other end of the spectrum 5 months until c. and I have spent a year together. Some days still conflicted more than ever and other days so happy that I can't even remember the sadness. Hoping for a year full of more and more happiness and less tears. More joy and less sorrow. That's all anyone really hopes for though isn't it?

still here

The holiday season has kept me so busy I have had no time to write. Luckily though not a lot is going on. Me and C are doing well- I have even gotten to see him more! My job has been horrible and I have been working way way way too much. John's birthday came and went. As did diagnosis day. Did a lot better this year. I think it was because i was way too busy to think about anything.

The tree is up. The presents are wrapped. Im ready for Christmas-and actually looking forward to it. Maybe later today I will post a little more detail.

learned traits

This was posted in beyond active grieving today and i found myself nodding my head to almost all of them. thank you peggy a for putting into words what i haven't been able to.

gifts of grief

Courage, wisdom, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, patience, persistence, resilience,

I learned the purpose for my life (to help other people),

I learned appreciation and gratitude for the small and ordinary goodnesses in my life,

I learned to let go,

I learned to bend and not break,

I learned to accept the unacceptable,

I learned to surrender to that which was stronger and more powerful than I,

I learned to not care what other people think,

I learned to love myself unconditionally,

I learned the power of prayer and how to pray for qualities in myself like strength and determination and the courage to see me through as opposed to praying for outcomes or material things,

I learned what is really precious in this world,

I learned to follow the flow of life instead of always fighting against it (because it wasn't always the direction I wanted to go ...),

I learned how to be truly present in the moment I was in rather than the moment I wanted to be in,

I learned how to find peace, really true and lasting peace in pieces instead of waiting for it to come to me as something whole,

I learned to have confidence in myself - if I could get through grief I could get through anything,

I learned what my real priorities in life were,

I learned spiritual depth,

I learned to know myself - my strengths and weaknesses and how to work around both,

I learned that no matter what happens to me - I can and will go on

and to add my own:

I learned that it is not the amount of time that you spend loving a person but how you love them,

I learned the only person that I can count on is myself- but that I am pretty good company,

I learned self-conviction

I learned patience with myself and my emotions

I learned joy in small things

I learned a broken heart can be at least partially put back together

I learned to accept my past and live in the present and once again look forward to the future

wondering

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart

Without saying a word you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old mr. webster could never define

What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me.

But he did leave me and some days i just want to scream. This was to be our wedding song and tomorrow would be our second wedding anniversary and instead I lay here wondering.....

wondering if we would have made it

wondering what he would say to me

wondering if i'll ever really let him go

wondering if it will ever hurt less on these big days- if i can just let them go by

wondering why i would want that

just wishing we had the chance...

sometimes there really are survivors

Tonight I heard the best news I have heard in a long time....
A year and a half ago my friend E. was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was 30 at the time. Early stages. Great attitude. Supportive husband. She was going to beat it. She went through gene testing. Found out that she carries the gene. Not only did she have to have a double mastectomy but she is at incredibly high risk for ovarian cancer and needs to have a hysterectomy within the next 5 years. Suddenly life had deadlines. So as soon as she could they started trying to have a baby. For many months.

Tonight I found out that I am goingt to be an "auntie" in early June. I honestly couldn't be any happier! :) No only has E. survived but she is a true inspiration to me and I am sure she will be a wonderful mother. I'm just glad she will have the chance

cheryl

You know that feeling where you laugh so hard you are crying. I just had a phone call that had me like that for a good half hour. My friends- though sometimes aggrevating are literally the best. My friend Cheryl is one in a million. We have gone through so much together and she is just so true to herself. She is also true to our friendship. As i have said before I don't know if she liked John or not as it is a conversation that we have never really had but I do know that she has supported me in more ways than I can count since he died.

We met before college. She lived in NH as did I and they had a welcome reception for NH students where we met. Worlds being small and all we lived about 20 minutes away from each other and had mutual friends. September came around and she lived 2 doors down the hall from me. All through college we lived in the same hallway except for one year. Some of my fondest memories from college involve cheryl and some of the most meaningful conversations involve her as well.

After college we remained close. We both had roomates that we were all a big bunch of friends and got together often. She soon met her now husband and moved closer to her job and him in RI. She never met John. Not many of my friends did. But I do remember one very long conversation with her about us after we got engaged. Cheryl couldn't believe I was "compromising" what I always wanted in a wedding to marry John. She and others of my friends always gave me a hard time because I always said I wanted a winter wedding with rose muffs for my girls. When the time came I realized that I really didn't want that anymore and I didn't care when or how we got married as long as we did. We only talked about it that one time. At John's wake a few months later Cheryl came and whispered in my ear that all of the compromises would have been worth it.

Since then she got engaged and I was in her wedding this summer. At her wedding I was a bridesmaid but she also asked me to read the petitions or prayers of the faithful. She had given me the printout for practice and I had read through them. At the ceremony I was very nervous about my speaking part. It was a very large wedding and speaking in public was not my thing. I got up to the lectern and looked at the printout was a smiley face and a "we love you for doing this" and then I started reading. I got midway through the prayers when I got to the death one. You know. " For those that we wish could be with us but are with us in spirit, especially for...." Well on the sheet I had been given I didn't know any of the names, but on the printout at the wedding there was one more name added to the list. it said, "John G. who is always loved" I wasn't able to read that part out loud but was so touched that I could barely speak.

Tonight we were laughing about when we get old and in our 80s and what we will be like. We were cracking up. One of those deep laughs that you can feel all the way to the bones. I love Cheryl like a sister, she is always going to mean so much to me. And tonight I thank her for making a rough day just a little easier

picture is of this beautiful woman on her wedding day with me and our frend j.

How do I get sucked into both Grey's Anatomy and ER in one night even when I work in a hospital- I don't have goof thoughts about hospitals- and it's way past my bedtime.

november

I really hate November
Almost as much as March

November 9 2003- A call from my brother telling me my father was in the hospital- brain tumor-" inoperable"

November 10, 2003- he was transferred to the brigham

November 11, 2003- 14 hours of sitting in the family waiting room with my brother that I barely speak to- he will make a full recovery

November 14, 2003- he has a pulmonary embolism

November 15, 2003- John asks me to marry him for the first time


then of course life changed. We planned a wedding for November 20, 2004. He died in march- no wedding- except of course to cancel with the priest the week before because he didn't get the 3 messages I had left with him prior. And then I crash John's car he had left to me into a garbage truck the wednesday before we were supposed to be married. Totaled the only thing that I had of his.

I really really hate November. And somehow every year it sneaks up on me and my emotions are all over the place and I can't figure out why until i really think about it. In a matter of a month my life changed and changed again- at the time into something that I really wanted but now just brings me a lot of pain.

time to let go- or time to hold on

so C. and I are coming up to the end of our month without seeing each other. And part of me couldn't be happier- and then part of me is really struggling.

as i have said before C. has a very busy schedule. To the point where I am lucky if he has 3 hours for me over the course of a weekend. I have had issues with this right from the start but when I am with him I am so happy that I almost forget about it. But I did tell him that after life had calmed down that I needed to spend a lot more time with him. At least a full day a weekend. He totally agreed and promised that he would definitely free time up.

Fast forward to today- he just got back from NC last night and I said something about seeing him this weekend- and he then said - yeah- he would see me sunday for a short time. I didn't really say anything back- but am definitely fliiping out on the inside.

When is it time to realize he just doesn't have the time that I feel not only that I need but that I mostly deserve. How can I explain to him that it is so hard on me when all of my friends spend their weekends and lives with their so's and I have spent 2 and a half years trying to not let that bother me- but now that I am with him it only bothers me more. How do I shake the feeling that a part of me feels like a prostitute but without the money and sometimes without the activity- but that such a limited time with him doesn't make me feel like this relationship is ever going to go to the places that we both want it to go- or at least that we both have said we want it to go.

I know he works so hard at trying to find time for me- but at the same time it's not enough. How do I keep my heart from breaking when I know that I love him and have fallen in love with him but that I either need to end it or convince myself that it's enough. I know he is enough- just need more time in the day.

i miss him
(which him?)

2 more weeks
(or an eternity?)

i want to feel his arms around me
(sometimes if i think hard enough i can feel them)

6 months of being together almost
(or 32 months apart)

i can picture a life with him
(i would never be who i am without him)

i love him
(i love him)

Well the last of the weddings (i hope!) is this weekend. I cannot wait to just have a weekend at home. Haven't been home for a weekend since early August and it's starting to really wear on me. On top of having to deal with weddings every single weekend.

I've gotten pretty good at letting the words wash over me and not feel anything about them. Whether that's good or bad who knows-- but it is a great survival tactic.

I think of all of them I was most affected by Katie and Matt's. They were my roomates right after John died and we lived together for 2 years. They still live only a street away and I talk to them every day. I think finally seeing them married meant the end of something. Closure in another form. Also their favors were replaced by a donation to the walk and there was a beautiful plaque up explaining that. It was just a very special wedding to me.

Then there has been Cheryl and Tony's, Laura and James's, Jess and Matt's, Sadaf and Eddie's and this weekend Cindy and Steve's. I think this weekends will be the most elaborate. A theater on Broadway. I am excited for some time in New York but even more so I am excited for next weekend when I can just hang around home, spend time with some friends, maybe even cook and do some crafts.

how busy is too busy

I, by nature, am a very busy person. Between working long hours, dance classes, excursions with friends, social obligations- I tend to not have much time in my life for me. A year ago I finally got tired of always running. I made a deal with myself to take at least one day a weekend just for me. If not both. Which was really working for me until I met C. I then realized what it must have been like to date me in hte past. C. works a regular full time job, 2 regular art time jobs, 2 more not so regular part time jobs and has his dughter. The man is always going, going, going.

About 2 weeks ago I finally lost it on him. I was tired of just being squeezed into his schedule and since then he is definitely taking notice of how little time he has for him or for us. Which is a good thing- acting on it will be twice as good.

but now we come upone the next 4 weeks. Because of his schedule I cannot see him during the week. So that only leaves weekends. I saw him yesterday. Next weekend I have a wedding in NH. The following weekend I have a wedding in Manhattan. The weekend after that he will be at a conference in NC. So in 4 weeks I will see him again. It's like having a long distance relationship without the distance. But he continues to be worth it- just need to be reminded every once in awhile of that fact. Especially when his schedule makes me want to scream- as does mine sometimes.

taking my life back

To John's Friends: The past two and a half years I have lived with my life under inspection. Every move that I have taken, every decision I have made, everything that I have done has been criticized and it stops today. Over the past month or so I have heard a few things from people that I am not necessarily close to about my life. People that are not in my daily life and in all honesty should not know any details of my life. Yet they do. Why my life is up for public discussion, criticism, or general observation I will never know. However I can control it and I will stop it. It stops today.
For the record- I am happy. I am moving forward in my life but also for the record I will never forget John nor will I ever live a day that he does not cross my mind. I know that some people think that because I am in a relationship that I will forget John, betray John, or try to convince myself that the person I am with is better than John. There is no comparison and there shouldn't be nor is forgetting John even an option.
Right now I am more hurt than words will ever begin to convey yet I am also incredibly happy. Cleo- the man in my life- is a huge part of that but there are also other factors. I am healthy, my job is stable and most days wonderful, and I do have other people in my life that are incredible and are so supportive that I can only be incredibly grateful. But to have people in my life that I can't trust or that I can't speak to for fear of them spreading the gossip or the details of my life has definitely hurt. But it is something I can control. Unfortunately it means losing some people in my life that I never wanted to lose- but if I can't trust in them then why are they there.
John chose not to introduce me or even talk about me to most people until he was sick- with one exception- because he trusted that person more than he will ever know and so do I- thank you to that one individual. However I now understand why he kept us "quiet"- the talking, the gossiping and the pain that it has brought me is unbelievable.
But I will not let it ruin what I do have in my life- instead I move forward. I move on and I move away. I have plenty of people in my life that support me 100% and do not feel like my life is of any interest to other people. They do not talk about me behind my back nor in front of my face. My life is my own. That is all I ever wanted. I wish you all the same level of happiness I have in my life and none of the hurt.
Kyle

ps.... i really did send this email.... which made me really happy

The story of john

Per request of Megan- and because I have never really told it... This is the story of John as I know it

John was 28 when I "met" him- we met on boston.com personals. He responded to my profile saying that he was intrigued because I said I liked the ballet. He had gone to WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute) and was a software engineer. I thought to myself hmmm smart, educated, and cultured- this I like.

We exchanged emails for about 3 months learning more and more about each other- he had an overbearing mother- I had a crazy background. He loved sushi, I loved Italian. He spent his time at Tae Kwon Do. I spent mine dancing. Finally... He asked me for my screen name. (and you thought he was going to ask me out...ha!)

For months and months after that we "talked" everyday online. It became 2003. We shared our stories of Christmas, debated political views, shared our major triumphs and milestones in life. He got a promotion. His mother lost her job and he was supporting her. His involvement in APO(Alpha Phi Omega- a service fraternity) was eating up all his time. He shared his travels, his stories, his everyday life with me. Yet he still hadn't asked me out.

Finally in May of 2003 almost a year after we met online we finally met. Dinner in the North End- a walk around the city. A good date. Followed by many more. Things finally started getting serious in October. We planned a vacation together. Started to plan life together.

In November my father became very ill- he had a brain tumor. Was given 24 hours to live. John was away that weekend with family. I realized then that I needed this man in my life more than I ever wanted to admit. We rushed my father to a better hospital in the city- he had surgery the next day. John called 15 times during his surgery and was going to come into the city to keep me company while I waited but he was having extreme back pain and could barely move. My father made it through. John and I had plans for the weekend- after we went to his friends turkey party we were back at my place and he asked me to marry him. No ring in hand- nothing really planned- but just blurted it out in typical John fashion. I said I thought that was the right thing but I wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that my father knew that I would be taken care of should anything happen.

A week and a half later my father was released from the rehab-I hadn't said anything about the proposal. That same day he was released-John was admitted to the hospital for his back pain. Two days later we found out it was cancer. The same night he asked me to marry him again. This time I said yes.

December 8th- his 30th birthday- we found out that it was stage 4 colon cancer- it had spread to his spine, his liver, and most concerning his lungs. He refused a prognosis. I found out. They didn't expect him to make it to the new year. We almost lost him two days before Christmas but somehow he pulled himself out of it. He was feeling better. They thought the chemo was working and released him from the hospital on new year's eve.

Martin Luther King weekend he proposed again- this time with a ring. We started planning for a November wedding. The weekend before thanksgiving because we were going to have so much to be thankful for. The day before valentine's day he had his scans scheduled- we were sure it was going to show things were going to be better. He was feeling better. Came home to wait for the results and had an incredible weekend. Tuesday we found out that not only was it not working but we were out of options. One to three months. He lived one. He died March 13, 2004

I had never loved anyone like that before. He changed my life in so many ways. I never will love like that again. But I would also never change anything. He was an incredible person and I will always be thankful to have had him in my life.

balancing act

is there really a better feeling in the world than to wake up in the arms of someone who wants you as part of their life?


now to make that feeling last until his 5 jobs allow him some time with me again.


and to not let the guilt take over



it's quite a balance but the rewards are so worth it

i am so incredibly happy

5 years later

On September 11, 2001 I went into work like any other day But it was a little different from the start. My roomate's grandmother had died over the previous weekend- she had to drive to New York on the 11th to be there for the funeral- my other roomate and I needed to order flowers to send. My brother was flying to L.A. that day- or so my father told me the night before. I was on the phone to the florist in New York when I heard my radio guy say "oh my god, this is real folks- 2nd plane just hit" I hung up on the florist and started to listen to the news. Luckily my roomate was ok- she was in Connecticut on the other side of the city- she couldn't get through but she was fine. My brother had missed his flight that morning- he forgot to turn on the alarm. Luckily- since he was originally on one of the flights that did crash from Boston.

I can't believe it was 5 years ago. How much so many things in life and in the world have changed. I did know someone that died that day- Capt. John Ogonowski from Dracut, Massachusetts. He was the father of one of the girls that I had taught at dance school. For all that he gave, for all that they all gave, and for all that they left behind... i do remember them.

5 and 10

4 things that are making me sad today....

1. The third memorial walk is only 2 weeks away- how is it 3 years that we have been doing this in his memory

2. yet another wedding to go to this weekend- and i still wish he was with me

3. I won't see C. for 2 weeks and that just makes me nervous - not sad- will it be the same when we see each other again- which i know it will be- but my nerves are taking over

4. John is not my first thought in the morning by a longshot- I never thought that would change so much


and.....

10 things that are making me happy today

1. it's been a really nice weekend- haven't had to do too much and have enjoyed my time

2. I saw C. yesterday and he really just does make me happy

3. We are halfway to our goal for the walk and the money doesn't have to be completely raised until January

4. I brought work home with me this weekend and have done none of it

5. it's Katie and Matt's wedding next weekend and that just makes me happy because it will be them and it will finally be upon us

6. I will be seeing a bunch of my friends in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see them

7. I got the nicest note from my father on saturday and am still happy about it

8. C. - pretty much everything about him- and yes i know i mentioned him before- he just makes me that happy

9. a 3 day work week!!

10. i originally labeled the first list 5 things i am sad about and there were really only 4

lesson learned: if your blessings and happiness are greater than the things that make you sad- life can't be bad at all

aargh

how come when all i want is to have a minute with my friend online he has to sic his girlfriend on me to talk to me..... i am not her friend.... i barely know her... she's nice enough... but i just want to talk to my friend.... so sick of that...and don't know what to do about it.... especially when she starts talking under his screen name and i don't know it's her..... it angers me so much

happier post tomorrow i promise..... just very ticked off right now

perspective

i am very bitchy tonight- but with reason- i had to listen to n and d both complain tonight that n had to pay $300 for a washer part. which under normal circumstances would be i guess a big deal for a twenty-something year old. but somehow either i have lost perspective or they have....

what i wouldn't pay to have my biggest problem be fixed with $300....

but this really isn't about me....

it's about the parents that i had to watch today say goodbye to their 3 year old- who died very suddenly in our clinic....

suddenly life has some perspective...

i just want to tell n and d to:
thank god it's fixable with just a little bit of money...
stop bitching about something so minor....
wake up and realize that they are lucky enough to have the money- that this family doesn't know how they will bury their child because they can't afford it

sometimes it all just makes me want to scream....

why me? (can you tell it's a pity party in here?!)

i am still in a good place- really i am. am happy and laughing more often than not. just have had time to think a little about my place in life and am facing a few things that i just don't like about myself

first and foremost i am jealous. jealous that all of my friends can believe that the worst won't happen in their lives. that they have faith in their relationships and in the reality that is being in your late 20's.

i am living my life waiting for the next bomb to drop- after all it has for the past-- oh i don't know 10 years- been my way of life. so as much happiness i feel right now i keep holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing.

between the abuse, the rape, finding out i probably can't have kids, being kicked out, having e. die, having my father sick, having john sick and then die, having to go through treatments myself -- i feel like when does it stop and why can't i just be "normal"

why can't i just trust that c. will be there, that he is here, that i really am healthy--- i just don't and then i get so angry that other people just assume that of course people will be there in life. that hasn't been my experience. mine is love em and then be ready for them to be gone. it all just sucks sometimes.

sorry i am such a jumble of thoughts--- it's been a rough week

i am sitting at work on the verge of tears-- that's never a good sign

some days i miss him so damn much it physically hurts.... today seems to be one of those days

could really use his sensibility right about now

the other woman

With advanced apologies to those with children....

I never realized how hard it was going to be to date a man with a child. There. I said it. I admit to the fact that it is extremely difficlut on both me and him. I know some of what is running through his head- but I view this as a chance to explain what is running through mine. To get it all out there and then hopefully feel a little release.

C. has a daughter who is 8. Just turned 8 not too long ago. She is her daddy's girl. The joy of his life. The reason he pushes himself so hard- to make sure she never wants for anything. I try to be very understanding of the fact that she will always come first in his life. But sometimes.... well sometimes I can't help but wish I did.

How wrong is it to be jealous of an 8 year old? Probably extremely bad of me but at this particular moment I really am. There is not a written custody agreement- c.and his ex have worked very hard at seeing what is best for M. and try to let C. spend as much time with her as possible. Lately that has meant 5 or so nights a week and most weekends. Which means that C. feels so pulled in too many directions. We are still in an early stage of relationship and to me that means we need to spend time together- for him it does too- but he can't find the time to do that.

but it really isn't just that-it isn't just that he spends tikme with M. it's that when he's not spending time with her he's trying to find ways to support her. And worries about her constantly and won't let me meet her yet because he feels it is too soon....

so with all of the juggling that has gone on the past few weeks i went into meltdown mode last night.... i had been away for the weekend visiting my friend d. and his girlfriend n. they asked me if we could get together in october for a double date in providence to go to a concert. I knew immediately that C. wouldn't be able to go- but asked anyway... and of course I was right. He can't-- it's a school night (he teaches) in providence, he will be not only teaching at a high school but also at 2 colleges in the fall, on top of his own business, on top of trying to be the best dad he can be. Just so hard to realize in 3 months he is not going to have any more time for me as he does right now. In fact he will have less.

I don't know if it's the fact that he has so many more responsibilities than me, the fact that it's so different of a life than what me and my friends lead- that we up and go at every opportunity that we can. That other relationships around me the only thing going on is their 40 hour a week job and their relationship and that's it and with C. it is so much more. Not all of it is M. There's a lot to work out--- but he is so worth it. People tell me that they can't believe how happy I am. I know I am. I know that he is the best thing that has happened in my life in a very long time. I know that I like his daughter already .I just need to feel like I am not always the one being juggled.....

chapter 2

For a long time now i feel like i have been starting on my chapter 2. The continuation of me. Tonight I feel like it has actually begun.

The prologue of my life can be summed up in one word- fear. Fear that the bedroom door would open and only hurt and pain would be on the other side. I was always afraid to close my eyes because I would know that he was coming to hurt me. Fear that I was never going to be enough for my parents. That I could never please them. That even straight A's, not getting into any trouble, having a strong faith, would never be enough. Fear of the unknown- of where I was going to run to, what I would become, who I would be. Fear of being me. Fear of not succeeding, of not pushing myself enough, of only having myself to rely on in my life. Fear of loving beacuse only hurt awaited me.

Chapter 1 was discovery. Opening my eyes to a new world full of surprises. That I was capable of not only being liked for who I was but loved for who I was. Discovering new talents- that dancing wasn't the only thing I was good at. Discovering what it is like to be independent and responsible for every aspect of life. Discovering a love that was so deep that sometimes the fear came rushing back but wanting to learn more pushed it aside. Discovering true friendships because I had let go of most of the fear. Discovering the person I knew I wanted to be with forever. Discovering that where I worked would turn into the place where I wanted to be as well as the place I wanted to run away from. Discovering that cancer not only happened to strangers in the elevator but also to the person that held my heart in his hand. Discovering that there will never be enough "I love you's" to sustain a lifetime. Discovering forgiveness for past hurts and mistakes. Discovering the worst words aren't that he has cancer but that there's nothing they can do. Discovering that love truly does endure all things. Discovering an inner strength that I had never believed in until I had to rely on it because my source of outer strength was gone. Discovering that loving and living don't have to end. That life is a gift that should not be taken for granted. Discovering not only did I want to open my heart again it was ready to be opened. Finding a new me. A stronger me. A more confident me but also a me that will never forget where it has been.

I think Chapter 2's theme might be Joy. Joy in living. Joy in uncovering true friendships. Joy in waking to a new day and accepting that it is a new day and not just a repeat of the pain of yesterday. Joy in opening myself up to the fear and unknown of the future without having to relive the fears of my past. Joy in memories. In being able to remember the happier moments more often than the nightmares. Joy in who I have become. In what I have accomplished. Of making it through the worst time in my life and actually making it. Joy in another's arms. Joy in a future that is still so up in the air but that makes me eager to wake up each day. Joy... in only what is just beginning.

what's in a name

a lot of people ask me about my name.... it's something i have grown into as i have gotten older but that was not always the case-- nor does it not come without some funny stories. c. reminded me of one of the funnier ones last night-- but maybe first i should explain where my name came from.

originally i was supposed to be sarah jane-- those people who know me personally know that i don't think i would ever really be considered a sarah. luckily my mother's good friend named her daughter sarah jane about 3 weeks before i was born-- so my parents could not use the name. unfortunately they were out of ideas and decided they should let their 4 year old son choose a name. he came up with brian william for a boy but they still couldn't figure out what to name a girl. then they went out for an infamous dinner one night. kevin (my brother) totally bonded with their waiter and decided that he didn't care if it was a boy's name- his little sister would be named kyle (side note-- if i was a boy i would still be named brian-- totally weird). my parents decided they would take a form of sarah for my middle name- so here i am kyle sarena m.

now having a boy's name in life is sometimes interesting and entertaining-- the invitations to join the seminary- the fact that i lived in hand me downs when i was really little and was bald till i was 3 and had a boys name also was fun at times. but i think the best incident happened a few years ago

it was while john was sick- he was finally home from the hospital and his catheter had been removed- we were thrilled. we had a shot of having a sex life. my prescription for the pill had lapsed while he was sick so i had called in to get it refilled. i walked down to the medical offices where the pharmacy was on my lunch break one day with my friend dana. we get up to the counter- i ask for my prescription- the girl types it into the computer- gives me a look- asks for my insurance card and license and then goes to speak to the pharmacist. he looks at me looks at the computer-- back at me-- meanwhile a long line had formed behind us full of very elderly people. they both come back out to us and the girl says to me, " how much do you normally pay for your prescription?" i told her $10 a month so $30 for the three months. she then says, "i am sorry to ask you this but have you had a sex change operation in the past month?!!" i was floored- i said no- do i look like i have-- and she said no- that is why there is confusion- the insurance company is refusing to pay for hormones because they think you are a guy and it is against policy for them to pay for any prescriptions leading up to or as follow up to a sex change surgery. i was completely mortified!!! they didn't give me the prescription that day- i had to go back and fight it out with insurance- and the elderly people in line behind us were seriously snickering or turning red. it was one of the funniest experiences but also one of the most embarassing moments of my life.

the lesson in this-- never let your 4 year old name your next child-- but if you do-- make sure that the younger child has a good sense of humor to get them through life

on the eve of 29

28 was a challenging year. full of so many ups and downs there are too many to count.

the unknown was so frightening when it came to my health but at the same time it gave me new strength- newfound faith in my firendships- and assurance in my will to live.

the struggles of grief have lessened- though at the same time when they hit they hit harder. i miss him and always will. but this year it's different. i don't know if i miss my love so much as i miss my best friend. this year brought the day i could no longer hear his voice in my head- but also brought the day that i could genuinely laugh and feel joy at many of my memories.

this newfound contentment in my life has been such a blessing- not only c. but the ease of living. of moving through each day and actually feel like i am living and not just going through the motions.

29 was the last year that john was "healthy" (i know now that wasn't truly the case but we didn't know that then) It was such a happy year- so much fun- so many nice times- the year we got engaged. Part of me feels so strange to be turning this corner. part of me knows that i will more than likely outlive him and it will happen sooner rather than later. i think that's what scares me most about 29. i don't like the feeling of catching up to him as it was never supposed to happen- but yet here it is.

for the first time in about 15 years i am actually excited about my birthday. i have a good day at work planned. i have a nice night with c. to look forward to. i am actually alive again and i can honestly feel the joy in my life.

what i have been up to

long time no posts....

life is good- hate to jinx that by saying it- but it's true.

the wedding was fun- i even think i might have looked nice- am waiting for pics to prove it- had a good time with dave- missed c. but understand since he had his daughter all weekend

work is driving me crazy.... commuting since the collapse of the big dig has beena nightmare- between 5-6 hours a day to go about 8 miles---- at the same time i keep trying to remind myself that a woman did lose her life- and i do feel terribly for her family

c. and i are good- actually we are great. saw him last friday- hoping to see him over the weekend at some point. people wonder how we are able to see so little of each other but are still happy but i think it is because i enjoy having my time to myself. i don't think i know how to function being around someone 24/7 and i also don't think it's that healthy. i have my life- he has his- we have ours- sooner or later i am sure all of it will comingle.

i need to get back on the weight loss wagon-- was doing so well but have kind of slid off course- need to get back on it.

sleep tends to come easier these days. i am not haunted by all of the imagery that was with me for so long. will never forget it but at least rest is coming easier. am looking forward to this weekend- no plans- i might even take a nap!

this week is going to be crazy busy- between work, the wedding next weekend, the bachelorette and rehearsal before that and just my normal craziness. so today i took a chance to look ahead and reflect on what is happening in my life and upon what is coming up in life.

cheryl and tony got engaged last year- they met about 3 months before me and john did. i have known cheryl for over 10 years now and i have never seen her happier than when she met tony. we have gone through a lot together. i don't think she was ever a big fan of john-we never really spoke about it- but at the same time seeing her reach this milestone makes me a little sad. i wonder if the feeling if that is what my life should have been like will ever go away....

at the same time my birthday is fast approaching. all i keep thinking are erin's words.... if you are going to meet anyone you need to make it happen this year. have i met him? possibly... it feels like i could have... at the same time it scares me to be another year older and still not sure of where my life is headed. and then i think about when john was 29 and how excited we both were that year... little did we know he would be gone 4 months after he turned 30..... how strange.... when you think about it all.... how weird can life truly be.

but as i head into my last year in my twenties i am happy--- not just becuase of c. but because of a multitude of things. i feel like i am truly living forward-enjoying my life and whatever it brings...

:)

Ok so this is going to be a little high school.... but.... he likes me!!

We went out tonight and hung out here afterwards (at home I mean) and we were talking and he told me he really likes me- and it scares him a great deal- but he likes me. He also said that when we were out tonight that he felt really good about us. That it felt "right". I make him happy.

Have to admit I like him too. He makes me happy and makes me laugh so much. And as my friend Cheryl said to me today- I light up like a christmas tree when I talk about him

:)

sometimes life just could not feel any better or at least i have now learned to cherish these moments as what they are-- moments-- pieces of time in life where it really is sweet.

meltdown

So this weekend my good friend D. and his girlfriend N. were visiting from CT. On Monday we had gone to a bbq-and then out for ice cream with a bunch of people. We went to Waltham to Lizzy's. While we were in there I realized I had been there before.... i had been there with John... it was actually our last date out... where i had tried to convince him to go see a dr. but he wouldn't listen to me. He didn't go for another 6 weeks (yes I saw him during that time- but we were mostly hanging out at home due to all of the pain he was in and not wanting to drive anywhere). I managed to hold it together on Monday until we got back to the house where the BBQ was at- I said that I would be in in a minute-- and then proceeded to completely lose it....

How could I have forgotten where our last date was? Why didn't I try harder that night- or just take him to the ER myself? Have I gotten too lost in my new relationship- am I trying to forget about John? Why didn't I remember? Why is he gone? Is it ok to feel that I am as happy or happier now than I was with him?

I am on an extreme guilt trip and somehow need to get off of this road.....

huh

it's amazing to me that i am acutally in a place where i can actually question the future... that marriage, kids, happiness, and fulfillment all seem reachable somehow.... who would have ever thought that when 2 years ago i just figured i had to give up on all of those dreams.

differences

so things with c. and i are really good. i am always afraid to get my hopes up but we both definitely feel something. which is great- don't get me wrong. i can't remember feeling this happy- at least i haven't been this happy in a very long time.

but tonight i need to focus on our differences. because there are many and because i just need to talk them out.

c. is black. i have never dated a black man. i wasn't really raised to be focused on things like race. i went to school in a very diverse city in high school. i had friends of all races. its never been a big deal in my life. however since i have started to date c. i have noticed how closed minded and hypocritical people are- people that include my own "friends". you would think every time that we go anywhere people have never seen a biracial couple. people do tend to stare and make comments- and it's not like i live in a rural area-- i live 10 minutes outside of boston. then the comments that my friends have made-- it scares me. i wasn't brought up like that, i have never lived my life like that- yet somehow i have people in my life who are incredibly closed minded- and that is now coming to the surface. at what point do i just cut them out- as i would never feel comfortable bringing c. around them. nor do i feel comfortable staying friends with them even if me and c. don't end up together.

for me personally the fact that c. is black doesn't really affect me. maybe it should... but the only way that it really has is that it has just opened my eyes to how far we still have to come as a society. i think i would like him even if he were green....

another difference between us is our age. there are 14 years between us. he is 42 and i am 28. yes this is a very large difference. it bothers him tremendously. i would be lying if i said it didn't affect me- however it will never affect me to the point where i would end it based solely on that. i definitely don't feel like a "normal" 28 year old. being a widow kind of always makes you feel a lot older than what you should. i have learned that age is never going to matter- when you are supposed to go - you're going to go. john was 30 years old and "perfectly healthy" and yet he still died. age is never going to stop my happiness. but then when we talk about the future- about what we both want- c. will have another kid- possibly 2- but was he planning on it-- no. he feels he is too old. he feels like he won't be able to make me happy- little does he know it doesn't take much- the only thing that i need is someone saying good morning to me. he says he is working on it in his own mind. i feel like this will be the thing that either makes us or breaks us.

he is also divorced and has a child. i have never been married and don't have any kids. i think for me this is the biggest difference in us. i think that i always thought that i would be first in a person's life until our child came along. instead m. (his daughter) comes first in c's life and always will. but at the same time i find that so admirable. he totally loves her and is incredibly close to her. she is his life- and honestly it shouldn't be any other way. just hoping that he continues to find space in his life for me.

there are of course other differences- but those are the major ones. but i feel like as long as we continue talking about where we both stand that it will all be ok. at least for now i am enjoying the moments and just trying to take it one day at a time

what if....

There was a question on the board today in one of the posts that has me thinking a lot....

Would he have been with me the way I am today? Or more importantly would I have been with him as I am today?

I have thought about this kind of frequently over the past I would say 6 months. I really don't think he would be with me as this person that I am today- and as much as I hate admitting to that- I still think it's almost a good thing.

When I first met John I had just turned 25.I was still very hung up on what had happened in my past and very insecure in myself. I never thought anyone was going to like me- that I didn't deserve to have anyone like me. Yet he appeared in my life- wanting to take care of me, protect me, and be my partner.

I am no longer that person that I was. I will admit to having strength now. I will admit that not everyone has had to "get over" the things that I have in my life. I am more outspoken. More confient and aware of myself. And more focused on enjoying each day and not as goal oriented as I once was.

I think he liked the fact that I was timid. That he was the outspoken one and I would hang back. That he could give me things in my life that I had never had- security, love, a family, a confidant.

But now I have had those things- and I am a better person for it. I don't need the security of another person, I have found it in myself. I have felt what true love is and don't need to find it again- if I happen upon it that's great- but I don't need it in order to survive. I have finally realized that my family are the friends that surround me in my life- for the good and the bad. He is still my confidant- but I am also more willing to confide in myself and face my own reality.

I really don't think that I would be the person that he was looking for as I am now. Nor do I really think that he would be the one for me either. But I guess that is what life is about- changing and growing and learning and struggling. Nothing stays stagnant in life- I am very glad that I haven't.

Does it mean that I don't love him anymore-- hell no. I will always love him. It just means that not only do I love him for being him- I love him for showing me the way to myself.

father's day

today is father's day. a day to honor our fathers- whther they are our birth fathers or those people in our lives that have filled that spot- giving guidance, encouragement, and whatever else we need.

i have a father. one who i do love very much. but also one who wasn't exactly the best dad a person could wish for. i had a very tumultuous upbringing. abusive, argument-ridden, and just plain nasty at times. i basically ran away to college- no longer wanting to be anywhere near my parents-who at the time were getting divorced- a very nasty divorce. i was no longer speaking to my father and hardly speaking to my mother. this was my life up until novemeber 9th 2003.

on that day the phone rang quite early in the morning. it was my brother. my father was in the hospital. he had a brain tumor. inoperable. they'd be there in an hour to take me to the hospital .the drs said he had less than 24 hours to live.

how do you stand at the bedside of a person who you should feel so much for in your life to say goodbye- when in your heart you're not that sad at all. there were many times of hurt and sadness in my life and that moment was just not one of them.

we managed to get him moved to a better hospital in boston the following day where one of the worlds leading menangioma surgeons operated on him. after a few more surgeries he is well today and happy.

our relationship is very weird to some people but works for us. the drs had told me that the tumor was so large that it had been growing for about 20 years- and during that time he probably wasn't really the person that he wanted to be. it altered his personality and his moods. i feel like over the past 3 years i have gotten to know the father that i missed out on growing up. no i have not forgotten what happened in my past- but i forgive him and we are fairly close. i don't see him often- maybe once or twice a year- but we talk every week and he has become a great strength in my life. so today he is one of many people who i honor

i also honor john's dad- who was truly a wonderful father to his son- and is a great father figure to me. i can't imagine the pain in losing a child. he has lost both of his. yet he has taken me under his wing as his own. the support he has given me in all kinds of circumstances amazes me every time i think about it. this man that has lost so much never really dwells on what he has lost but on how to contribute to the lives of his "kids". both me and his 3 stepsons.

i also honor the man i am dating-c. he is honestly one of the best fathers i have ever encountered. he spends as much time as possible with his daughter. he puts her first- loves her with everything he has and truly treasures his time with her. it's such a great thing for me to see. and i truly honor the commitment that has has made to her.

so on this day where we are to honor our fathers i honor all the ones that have touched my life. i also mourn the one that i wished had a chance to become the wonderful father i knew he could be. i also honor all of those that are serving dual roles in their kids lives right now. every day they amaze me and their kids are so lucky to have them.

what's mine is never truly just mine

ever since john died i feel like my life has been on public display. every move... every decision... every breath that i take feels like it is public knowledge. as many times as i have requested that i not be a topic of discussion among our friends i find out that i am.

today was the latest time that i have found out anything and it is still upsetting me. a few of my friends know about c. he has only met r. he has not met any of the friends that were john's and are now mine... but some of them do know about him. today i find out that k. and m. have been discussing the fact that they don't think he is the right person for me with our other friends.

there are so many things that are so wrong about this and upset me so much. first of all it's none of their business. this is my life and these are my choices and being with c. has been such a wonderful experience so far. they try to pass it off as concern- they don't want me to be hurt.... they don't want me to put myself out there so much...blah...blah... blah.... I think that what it truly boils down to is that they think that he isn't right for me because there are a lot of differences between us. he's black, divorced, 42, and has a child. I know that there has been discussion about all of this and it drives me fricking crazy. He's a terrific guy, who actually cares about me, understands about john, is a fabulous father, and just an all around decent person who makes me happy. but none of that counts for anything.

i want my life back. the one where i was able to be in a relationship and people didn't talk about it. the one where i wasn't worried every 3 seconds that people were talking or that i was the topic of the day. yes john died. yes it sucks- more than they will ever know. yes i have made mistakes since he died. but no i am not going to go jump off a bridge, run off to vegas and get married, or decide to adopt 14 children from china. so give me my freaking life back and leave me the hell alone!!!

update on all things me

so just a little update--

budget season is over! :) big YAY!!!! i hate working 22 hour days!!

c and i are doing very well-- a still hesitant and still afraid of getting hurt- but am putting myself out there more and more-- and he doesn't seem to be getting too scared or running away... :)

all the wedding stuff for the various people over the summer seems to be shaping up-- though anyone have any good ideas for a sober bachelorette party in boston-- yes somehow i have a very good friend who hates to drink--- not that i like it that much myself-- but she won't touch a drop of the stuff

anal retentive boy (arb) still is not done unpacking his crap and my apartment still looks like a cyclone has gone through it -- and it is driving me up a wall. even c. thinks that i am rightfully upset and considering his patience tolerance is a lot higher than mine..... well it's saying something.

all in all--- still happy--- still calm-- still content (thanks pentha for adding that word into my vocabulary!) . I feel like i really have turned a corner-that everything really and truly is going to be ok

a weekend in maine

i was talking on the phone yesterday to k. A very good widow friend who i love dearly and miss very much since she lives in illinois. She pointed out that it was just a little over a year ago that we finally met in maine at the bago. when anyone on this journey points out a timeline it gives you a chance to reflect on that and how much you have grown and changed in a year or a month or whatever that time may be... and yesterday i was given that opportunity.

i remember heading up to maine with k. who had flown into boston the night before- full of trepidation. was i crazy? going away for a weekend with a bunch of people i had never met. i was only 27 -what was i doing going on a widow's weekend? turns out that weekend was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. it was a real turning point in my grief journey and for that i will always be grateful.

over the course of the first night k. and i met up with s. and l. the four of us were together most of the day saturday. these 3 women who made me laugh and made me cry- got me to open up more than i had in the past year. k.and s. were less than a year out- me and l. just past a year. the wisdom that they had and the trials that we had all faced were amazing to me. there were so many similarities.

then of course there was sunday- the flower launch into the ocean. john had never wanted to be buried- he had wanted to be cremated and his ashes he wanted to be spread off the coast of castine in maine-- not that far from where we stood. but his mother had forced a traditional catholic burial. something that did not sit well with me. on that sunday i finally felt like john was in the place where he wanted to be. when i dropped that flower into the ocean and it didn't come back like the rest of them on the waves i knew there was a reason. in that i found great peace.

a year later i thought about the 4 of us now. l. is married and has moved close to k. she is happy and that truly is all that matters. s. is also on her way to the altar. she is a woman of great strength that i admire so much. and k.- k. my wonderful friend. my touchstone in this journey. i am so proud of her. she is utterly happy with t. they are now living together and she has done so much for herself and for the community.

as for me, i am also moving along. i have done things in the past year that i never thought myself capable of. i bought a car by myself, i've said goodbye to a few friendships that were never healthy, i've opened myself up to living again. and also to loving again. i am happy. i live every day in amazement of the things that have happened in my life and am so grateful for this journey... for in this journey i have had to lose the person i loved , i also have gained the first person that i should have loved in this life. i have learned to love myself.

i will never be the person that i was before. but now i don't really think of that as a bad thing- i now will admit to having strength, to being stubborn, to being spiritual, to being able to be hurt in a much deeper way. the walls that i had built up around myself have proven to be penetrable. i am a softer and more caring person and i have learned that not only is that not a bad thing but in admitting to what i would have viewed before as weaknesses are really great strengths.

who would have ever thought that a bunch of widows on a weekend getaway in maine would have changed my life so much. but they did and still continue to do that every day.

rain, rain go away

so we are yet again in the middle of a rainy day here in boston....
it's really beginning to be tiring... day in, day out... no sun

i never noticed how much the weather affected my mood till after john died... then i noticed big time

the rain brings on the tears and the gray matches my mood... at least most of the time.. and then the sun comes and with the sun new hope that things will be alright.

needless to say almost a month straight of all rain has not been a great thing

at the same time i am noticing now that i find the sun even when there is none

i had posted yesterday about c. and i but have deleted it.... sometimes you just have to put things in writing to feel better... i did that.. and now i do. things are still great with him and me and i am sure that we will continue to get to know each other...

it's important in the rain and the fog to create your own sun and see your own rainbows. i see mine...

i am not saying c. is the only reason that i am happy lately-- there are actually plenty of reasons... but having a man call you beautiful even on the darkest of days definitely can add to that...

now if only the real sun could come out and shine down... i think it would make a world of difference around here

losing him

"you let him go when he died-- what's left to let go of??" this statement was said to me at work today- in the middle of a meltdown no less. but it got me to thinking- what really is there left to let go of that has me so scared to lose.

not him- not his eyes- his smile- his weird facial gestures. not his muscular legs- the goatee that we both loved. not his lips- or his nose. those have been gone for a long time. he has been gone for a long time. then what is it?

not our future together--- the beautiful wedding we were to have-- the children we looked forward to- the house we had just started hunting for. those dreams were never to happen....i had to let go of them the moment he died

not the memory of our first meeting, our first date, our fist kiss, our first...., his proposal.... sometimes i try so hard to let those memories go but they will always remain with me

his sickness, the hospital, the treatments, the prognosis, his last week alive... these will always haunt me- the nightmare that will never leave my life

maybe i shouldn't be scared at all of losing him- even if i try i will never let him go.

weddings....

i am oddly looking forward to this weekend. i don't usually look forward to wedding activity type stuff now. it usually makes me sad. but seeing as this is katie and matt- who i love dearly and who mean so much to me i couldn't be happier to go to katie's shower. should be a fun weekend.

this is the summer of weddings for me- i think i have four between july and october- and am in one of them. a sign that we are all getting older and really and truly starting our lives.

i was the first of our friends to get engaged. makes me think of what we had planned for our wedding. i didn't want a shower-i think that they are the most boring thing on the face of the earth. there's only so many times you can get excited about a cookie sheet. (my attitude might be different if i spent any time at all in the kitchen!) we were going to be married in a little church by the water in salisbury. then have the reception on the water in hampton. of course us being us it was to be in november-- probably one of the coldest and dreariest times you could be at the beach. but we wanted to be married around thanksgiving becasue we felt we had so much to be grateful for- and by the water as it was where we both found peace and true meaning. it was going to be very large- much larger than either of us truly wanted but we just kept watching the guest list grow and grow out of control. john had so many friends and relatives in his life- his side alone was wavering around the 240 mark.

it's funny now because i know i would not want any of that if i were to be married. i want simple. a few people on a beach or in a church or something. maybe a nice dinner afterward. i think so many people focus on the wedding and not on the marriage. the marriage is what lasts forever. the wedding is over in a few hours.

no matter how i think though i am excited for katie and matt, and cheryl and tony, and cindy and steve, and laura and james. they all are great couples and i am sure will be very happy.

now off to my girls weekend :)