some days it comes out and hits me - he's not here. my best friend- the one i wanted to share my life with is not here. and it takes my breath away
yesterday was one of those days
and then last night c came over. and it hit me again. he is here. c. is here. and with that i can exhale again
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Friday, June 01, 2007
random thoughts
- There was an article today in one of the papers around here that spoke of how many complaints the MBTA receives about their service(MBTA=public transit). The number one complaint supposedly is about their employees and how rude they are at times. I have to say as a faithful MBTA rider as I have no other means of getting to work (parking=$300 a month at my work) I have to say that would not be my number one complaint. Instead I would complain about the fact it takes me on most days around 4 hours round trip to get to my job that is only 8 miles away from my house because of late busses or breakdowns or in typical fashion this week's excuse of having a driver just walk off the bus at a stop and refuse to drive anymore leaving us stranded on the bus at an entrance ramp to the highway. C. asked me if I have ever written a formal complaint and I said to him why bother- it's not going to change anything and that is so sadly true.
- Today I went to order a new pair of glasses as I can barely see out of my current ones. I ask you this question- why doesn't health insurance cover the cost and leave me with a copay. It's not like I am choosing to wear a piece of metal on my face for the sheer joy they bring me. I can't see my hand in front of my face without them on- isn't that a medical condition that needs fixing??? Instead I shelled out my $500 and will have my wonderful new glasses here just in time to drive to NH for my father's birthday next weekend- good thing too because even driving the few miles to the busstop is questionable some days never mind getting on a highway.
- I am a bigger tomboy than I think I have admitted to here and can't help but wish that A-Rod (A-Fraud) screws up royally some point over the weekend while the yankees are in town playing the sox. He's a cheater and a liar- and honestly I can't find one nice looking thing about him except the fact that at least he is in a yankees uniform instead of a red sox one.
- Working in a cancer institute makes me very afraid to go to the doctor. I have been having some serious weird pain the past few days and know I should probably go to the doctor but am too afraid to make an appointment and am hoping it will just go away. in the world that i work in everyone does this. everyone is so afraid by everything that we see that no one ever goes to the dr. it's probably not the wisest thing and i probably should be going to the dr but i know it's not my appendix and other than that hopefully it will just diminish.
- me, r. and baby b. are going to a hot dog derby this weekend. i wonder what kind of interest a 5 week old is going to have in hot dogs. for that matter i wonder what his mom and auntie really are thinking as well
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
the end
well the end has finally come to a very dear friendship- one that i treasured but in the end proved not worth fighting for by the other party. amazing that for so long he pushed me to have a voice and when i finally did speak my voice he didn't like what i had to say. i will miss d. terribly-and can only hope that one day i open my phone to find a text from him.
what amazes me most after all the loss that we as people have endured- a new loss of a different kind can hurt just as much
however i guess there comes a point and after months of the silent treatment for speaking my mind i have finally had enough.
after all life is too short to live in silence.
what amazes me most after all the loss that we as people have endured- a new loss of a different kind can hurt just as much
however i guess there comes a point and after months of the silent treatment for speaking my mind i have finally had enough.
after all life is too short to live in silence.
Monday, May 28, 2007
yesterday C and I celebrated one year of being together. Although work schedules on both mine and his part made it impossible to see each other this weekend (gotta love budget season with a new software system) we are both fully aware of what this day meant. For me it has been 365 days of mostly smiles and laughter. he has added to my life and i can't picture my life at the present without him in it. i love him more and more every day and have no fears we will be celebrating in the near future. Of all the horrible dates and questionable encounters I had post-widow boy am I ever glad I went to the fatgirldance
:)
:)
Monday, May 21, 2007
the art of falling
There's an article in Oprah magazine for June that has really got me thinking.... mainly because the person Martha Beck describes is a combination of both me and C.
The article is about falling... falling in love, falling in intimacy.. and being totally frightened by it.
I realized very early on that I was so afraid to open my heart again. To allow myself to feel anything even resembling love. All these months later (a year this weekend) I know i am in love. Did I allow myself to fall... definitely not. Should I have... possibly. As the author explains when you allow yourself to fall then you truly feel. I know I am overprotective of myself. Too much pain, too much hurt... don't want to experience any more heartbreak... at least not willingly. C. is much the same way. Very guarded about his feelings- about being in love. about letting himself fall. We are two tarnished people.
the article says bad idea #1 about taking the lover's leap is guarding your heart. that you have to feel in order to feel. and it's a perfect concept. i completely understand it. i also completely can't buy into it. maybe this heart's been through too much.
the writer also says that when you think about the concept of someone dying you treasure them even more. i think any non-widowed person thinks this. the widowed person instead says, "I treasure them. I lived each moment with them. I held them I loved them. It still didn't stop the horror from happening." I treasure C. I love him. I love who I am with him. I know he is a wonderful man. But there is always still going to be a part of me that knows that holding him close, treasuring him, feeling blessed because of him does not change that one day he could be gone. Of course we live each moment and breathe each moment I think it's just different knowing that as much as you live life you can't choose when it's over.
do you think walking cautiously into love can still have the same effect as falling in love? i sure hope so. I don't know if I will ever fall in love again. I think my heart will always be guarded. I think my mind will always say be careful, be careful- don't give yourself away 100%, save a tiny tiny portion as backup
i can't say i hate that feeling but i can say i don't know if anyone but the widows will understand.
The article is about falling... falling in love, falling in intimacy.. and being totally frightened by it.
I realized very early on that I was so afraid to open my heart again. To allow myself to feel anything even resembling love. All these months later (a year this weekend) I know i am in love. Did I allow myself to fall... definitely not. Should I have... possibly. As the author explains when you allow yourself to fall then you truly feel. I know I am overprotective of myself. Too much pain, too much hurt... don't want to experience any more heartbreak... at least not willingly. C. is much the same way. Very guarded about his feelings- about being in love. about letting himself fall. We are two tarnished people.
the article says bad idea #1 about taking the lover's leap is guarding your heart. that you have to feel in order to feel. and it's a perfect concept. i completely understand it. i also completely can't buy into it. maybe this heart's been through too much.
the writer also says that when you think about the concept of someone dying you treasure them even more. i think any non-widowed person thinks this. the widowed person instead says, "I treasure them. I lived each moment with them. I held them I loved them. It still didn't stop the horror from happening." I treasure C. I love him. I love who I am with him. I know he is a wonderful man. But there is always still going to be a part of me that knows that holding him close, treasuring him, feeling blessed because of him does not change that one day he could be gone. Of course we live each moment and breathe each moment I think it's just different knowing that as much as you live life you can't choose when it's over.
do you think walking cautiously into love can still have the same effect as falling in love? i sure hope so. I don't know if I will ever fall in love again. I think my heart will always be guarded. I think my mind will always say be careful, be careful- don't give yourself away 100%, save a tiny tiny portion as backup
i can't say i hate that feeling but i can say i don't know if anyone but the widows will understand.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my mother. My mother. The woman who I have not spoken to in at least a year and haven't seen in 7 years. My mother.
The things that exist between us are too much to get past. And yes I know life is short and yes I do miss her but no it isn't worth the emotional turmoil that having her in my life would cost me.
So I open the package to find a ruby and diamond ring. Very pretty. Very me.
I decide to pick up the phone
Dial the number and hear it has been disconnected.
What kind of daughter doesn't know their own mother's phone number?
you're looking at her and words cannot describe how horrible a feeling it is.
The things that exist between us are too much to get past. And yes I know life is short and yes I do miss her but no it isn't worth the emotional turmoil that having her in my life would cost me.
So I open the package to find a ruby and diamond ring. Very pretty. Very me.
I decide to pick up the phone
Dial the number and hear it has been disconnected.
What kind of daughter doesn't know their own mother's phone number?
you're looking at her and words cannot describe how horrible a feeling it is.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
A few thoughts:
C. is an amazing man. I love him more than I tell him. He has brought a piece of me to the surface that makes me so happy. I picture a future with him. I picture a baby with him. I picture a life with him. How amazing is that??
Today at work I was given a service award for 5 years of service. Technically it's 6 next week. Time has definitely flown by. I am lucky to most days have a job that i like, have a boss that I love, and actually have a good time at work. I am also incredibly lucky to work for an organization that takes the time to recognize its employees. Not to mention the little blue box that my gift came in that every woman loves to see....
This baby, brennan, has brought a new joy into my life. I don't have any friends that have children. He is the first and I honestly can't wait to see him again. I can't wait to old him again. I just can't wait for so many things. I wish his father would realize the beauty he is missing out on but am so blessed to be able to love this little man.
Loving life. Very busy. But loving it. Never would have thought 3 years ago that that statement would be possible There is hope along this widow road. For me it has come in the people that enrich my life. Still having issues with some "friends" but maybe it will be sorted out, maybe it won't. At this point I know that my life is full. That I am blessed. That I am loved. That I feel love. Anything is possible. Everything is possible. How amazing is that
C. is an amazing man. I love him more than I tell him. He has brought a piece of me to the surface that makes me so happy. I picture a future with him. I picture a baby with him. I picture a life with him. How amazing is that??
Today at work I was given a service award for 5 years of service. Technically it's 6 next week. Time has definitely flown by. I am lucky to most days have a job that i like, have a boss that I love, and actually have a good time at work. I am also incredibly lucky to work for an organization that takes the time to recognize its employees. Not to mention the little blue box that my gift came in that every woman loves to see....
This baby, brennan, has brought a new joy into my life. I don't have any friends that have children. He is the first and I honestly can't wait to see him again. I can't wait to old him again. I just can't wait for so many things. I wish his father would realize the beauty he is missing out on but am so blessed to be able to love this little man.
Loving life. Very busy. But loving it. Never would have thought 3 years ago that that statement would be possible There is hope along this widow road. For me it has come in the people that enrich my life. Still having issues with some "friends" but maybe it will be sorted out, maybe it won't. At this point I know that my life is full. That I am blessed. That I am loved. That I feel love. Anything is possible. Everything is possible. How amazing is that
Friday, May 04, 2007
There is so much I could write about and in time I think I will. Tonight though I just need to sleep.
One thought to leave with.... Brennan was born in the same hospital that John died in. I love the fact that I can now walk by that place every day and have such a beautiful moment in my mind instead of the one I have been carrying with me for the past 3 years. God is good and I feel very blessed.
One thought to leave with.... Brennan was born in the same hospital that John died in. I love the fact that I can now walk by that place every day and have such a beautiful moment in my mind instead of the one I have been carrying with me for the past 3 years. God is good and I feel very blessed.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
new arrival
please keep renee and baby brennan in your prayers. they will be inducing her labor tomorrow morning if labor does not start by then! can't wait to be an auntie!!
oh, please keep me in your prayers too- that i won't pass out in the delivery room! As I said to c last night... this experience will either make me want to be a mother even more or scar me for life and i might never want to have children. definitely hoping for the former!
oh, please keep me in your prayers too- that i won't pass out in the delivery room! As I said to c last night... this experience will either make me want to be a mother even more or scar me for life and i might never want to have children. definitely hoping for the former!
Saturday, April 21, 2007
defining moment(s)
The other night I was at dinner with a friend who is going through a very rough time with her boyfriend. In speaking with her the topic came up of defining moments. Her boyfriend wants to define her life by one moment that happened in her life which means nothing to her. Anyone who knows her knows that her life is defined by the moment her mother was run over almost 3 years ago.
But through that conversation I got to thinking, would the sae be said about me. Would I define my life by the moment I lost John?
In some ways I think I should be able to. If anything would be a defining moment in one's life wouldn't it be that? Isn't that the most dramatic point in which one can look back at life. The moment when you lost love forever?
Maybe there was a point where I defined my life by that moment. Maybe there sometimes still is. But I look at life now and realize there are so many moments that have defined me. That have made my life exactly what it is right now- that define my decisions and my ambitions.
The moment that I met my grandmother right after my baby cousin had died. I was in second grade and had never met her yet knew I was loved by her right away. The moment that my brother left for college knowing he would never choose to come home again and that our family would be forever changed- not for the better. The moment I chose to leave home in high school knowing that I was on my own- yet not afraid of anything because I was escaping my fear. The moment I opened the package in the mail that day finally knowing that she knew all along. The moment the call came telling me that my father was so sick knowing that there was very little time to forgive. The moment he asked me to marry him. The moment he was gone.
But there have been moments since, moments that even if not life defining- life changing. Like the moment I took my ring off knowing that meant to the outside world that my heart didn't belong to anyone. The moment I woke up and my first thought was not of him but of my life without him. The moment I met C. The moment I knew my heart - or at least a piece of it belongs to someone else.
moments. all of them. some painful, some joyous. some bring definition others confusion. all i wish for is to not be deifined and not let my life be defined by any one of them.
But through that conversation I got to thinking, would the sae be said about me. Would I define my life by the moment I lost John?
In some ways I think I should be able to. If anything would be a defining moment in one's life wouldn't it be that? Isn't that the most dramatic point in which one can look back at life. The moment when you lost love forever?
Maybe there was a point where I defined my life by that moment. Maybe there sometimes still is. But I look at life now and realize there are so many moments that have defined me. That have made my life exactly what it is right now- that define my decisions and my ambitions.
The moment that I met my grandmother right after my baby cousin had died. I was in second grade and had never met her yet knew I was loved by her right away. The moment that my brother left for college knowing he would never choose to come home again and that our family would be forever changed- not for the better. The moment I chose to leave home in high school knowing that I was on my own- yet not afraid of anything because I was escaping my fear. The moment I opened the package in the mail that day finally knowing that she knew all along. The moment the call came telling me that my father was so sick knowing that there was very little time to forgive. The moment he asked me to marry him. The moment he was gone.
But there have been moments since, moments that even if not life defining- life changing. Like the moment I took my ring off knowing that meant to the outside world that my heart didn't belong to anyone. The moment I woke up and my first thought was not of him but of my life without him. The moment I met C. The moment I knew my heart - or at least a piece of it belongs to someone else.
moments. all of them. some painful, some joyous. some bring definition others confusion. all i wish for is to not be deifined and not let my life be defined by any one of them.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
"open road"
"And I will leave this sweet New England,
I will leave these ghosts of you
I will climb onto that train, find a seat that's got no view
And I will take what I need with me, I will not take what I don't
And I will say that I'll be back here but I'll know that I won't
And I will live with empty pockets, I will live with empty sleeves
And I will know that there is nothing in this world I cannot leave
And I will tell my friends I love them,
I will just hope that they know
That I need nobody beside me on this open road"
I will leave these ghosts of you
I will climb onto that train, find a seat that's got no view
And I will take what I need with me, I will not take what I don't
And I will say that I'll be back here but I'll know that I won't
And I will live with empty pockets, I will live with empty sleeves
And I will know that there is nothing in this world I cannot leave
And I will tell my friends I love them,
I will just hope that they know
That I need nobody beside me on this open road"
Kris Delmhorst, "Open Road"
I love this song. I love the message. If you have nerver heard it please research Kris Delmhorst. She is an amazing singer that is so soulful and all of her lyrics are amazing. Just in those first 2 lines it says everything I would love to do.
At this point I am not going anywhere. I have spoken at great length with C about this. Also had a lengthy conversation with my boss. What it boils down to is that I love C. I want to see where this is going. I want to be able to be with him. If I leave this "sweet New England" that will never happen, because just as the song says I know I wouldn't come back.
I also have figured out that the only real reason that I want to leave my job is because of one person. I have battled before and I can do it again. If I leave now it is only giving into her and her stupidity.
So instead I am choosing to stay put, right here in crappy Boston. Am I settling? Possibly. But I am settling for the person and the things that are making me happiest in this moment. I am also still embracing the open road that lies ahead of me. I am embracing the possibilities that lie ahead of me and maybe just maybe i will also leave the ghosts that are haunting me behind.
Monday, April 16, 2007
3:06:22
Matt ran the marathon today-- his second Boston.... in 3:06:22. How is it humanly possible to run that fast?
I can't even walk the half marathon that fast.
scary, superhuman, and highly admirable!
I can't even walk the half marathon that fast.
scary, superhuman, and highly admirable!
Friday, April 13, 2007
maybe if i somehow talk this out here it will be easier to explain in real life.....
i am at a crossroads.
I am not enjoying my job at all lately. if you work for three quarters of your life shouldn't you enjoy it?
so with that in mind i thought about what i would like to be doing- and where i would like to be
the answer once again is not boston. it's north carolina. don't really know exactly why there- but it is definitely there.
one tiny problem-- or actually a major one. C.
i know he would never move there- not with his daughter up here. i also know i don't want to live my life without him in it. at the same time i'd like to know a little better that he envisions his life with me in it as well- that i am not placing all my faith in something that is truly there.
at the same time if i stay in boston just because of him is that settling?
i told him tonight that i wanted to give it till the end of summer and see where we are at before i make any decisions. but as soon as i said it it sounded like an ultimatum. and that's not how i meant it at all.
i don't care if we are still where we are at at the end of summer as long as it is a little clearer to me where he is at. i'm not ready to live with him yet. im definitely not ready for anything even bigger than that. i just want to know that i am not staying in boston to wait for him to never want anything more.
he told me i need to do what makes me happy. he makes me happy. boston does not make me happy. the hardest part about leaving would be leaving him- i know it wouldn't work long distance. i also know that if i left here i would never come back to live here.
i just don't want him to feel like i want to leave him. i definitely don't. i just want to know that i am staying for the right reasons.
ugh i hate decision making. i hate feeling like i am pressuring him to a larger step. i hate feeling like this. i just want to be able to communicate a little clearer.
anyone have any suggestions.. input.. guidance??
i am at a crossroads.
I am not enjoying my job at all lately. if you work for three quarters of your life shouldn't you enjoy it?
so with that in mind i thought about what i would like to be doing- and where i would like to be
the answer once again is not boston. it's north carolina. don't really know exactly why there- but it is definitely there.
one tiny problem-- or actually a major one. C.
i know he would never move there- not with his daughter up here. i also know i don't want to live my life without him in it. at the same time i'd like to know a little better that he envisions his life with me in it as well- that i am not placing all my faith in something that is truly there.
at the same time if i stay in boston just because of him is that settling?
i told him tonight that i wanted to give it till the end of summer and see where we are at before i make any decisions. but as soon as i said it it sounded like an ultimatum. and that's not how i meant it at all.
i don't care if we are still where we are at at the end of summer as long as it is a little clearer to me where he is at. i'm not ready to live with him yet. im definitely not ready for anything even bigger than that. i just want to know that i am not staying in boston to wait for him to never want anything more.
he told me i need to do what makes me happy. he makes me happy. boston does not make me happy. the hardest part about leaving would be leaving him- i know it wouldn't work long distance. i also know that if i left here i would never come back to live here.
i just don't want him to feel like i want to leave him. i definitely don't. i just want to know that i am staying for the right reasons.
ugh i hate decision making. i hate feeling like i am pressuring him to a larger step. i hate feeling like this. i just want to be able to communicate a little clearer.
anyone have any suggestions.. input.. guidance??
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
identity
recently there have been situations in my life which have brought up a large question. Do people have to lose themselves as part of being a part of a we.
My answer has always been no. I want to be who I am in my life whether there is another person in it or not. I don't want to be a person who is just a part of a couple and doesn't have an individual identity. I never have. If i have to lose myself to be with a person then that's not the right person for me. Of course I understand that part of being in a relationship means that you add to your personality with this other personality. I jsut don't think that you adopt that person's whole identity as your own. I still want to think for myself, make my own decisions, have what I have always had as important in my life still retain its significance. I don't want to lose me in becoming a we.
One of the things that I love most about c. is that he values this immensely. Not only does he want me to be who I am- he wants me to figure out my identity a little more. He pushes me to find what I truly value in my life, understands that it is still a work in progress and will always be, and believes that only when we bring who we are to the table as individuals can we truly become who we want to be as a couple.
I have always had people in my life that also value this. I don't have friends who need to spend every minute with their significant others. They are their own people, think thier own way, belive in their own beliefs and values and opinions. Even when they get married they retain their identities. That is at least until lately.
I am having a very hard time watching a few friends lose themselves completely in relationships. Everything that was important in their lives suddenly has no value. They no longer spend time as individuals but instead have adopted every part of their so's personalities as well as being attached at the hip to the person. It's not that their so's are bad people at all- at the same time it's so hard to watch anyone become someone that they are not. It's also hard to still stay a part of a person's life when they aren't who you thought they were. It's something I really am having a hard time with.
I just don't want to ever become like that. I guess it's a case of personal preference. It's how stubborn I am in my life that I won't say that of course if I am with C. I have to spend all of my time with him and believe in everything he does and if he doesn't value the friends in my life than tough luck to them. I think there is a middle ground. I definitely don't have the perfect relationship- we struggle with a lot of things- but at the same time I am still me. I'm still catholic, republican (i know i know such a travesty especially with who we have as president), i put my friends high up on my priority list, i love to volunteer, i believe in the good in people. that's my identity. Im proud of it- and too proud to change it for anyone. What i don't get is why people would. If the person wants to change you- or control you- or cause you to lose yourself then how can they be the best person for you.
My answer has always been no. I want to be who I am in my life whether there is another person in it or not. I don't want to be a person who is just a part of a couple and doesn't have an individual identity. I never have. If i have to lose myself to be with a person then that's not the right person for me. Of course I understand that part of being in a relationship means that you add to your personality with this other personality. I jsut don't think that you adopt that person's whole identity as your own. I still want to think for myself, make my own decisions, have what I have always had as important in my life still retain its significance. I don't want to lose me in becoming a we.
One of the things that I love most about c. is that he values this immensely. Not only does he want me to be who I am- he wants me to figure out my identity a little more. He pushes me to find what I truly value in my life, understands that it is still a work in progress and will always be, and believes that only when we bring who we are to the table as individuals can we truly become who we want to be as a couple.
I have always had people in my life that also value this. I don't have friends who need to spend every minute with their significant others. They are their own people, think thier own way, belive in their own beliefs and values and opinions. Even when they get married they retain their identities. That is at least until lately.
I am having a very hard time watching a few friends lose themselves completely in relationships. Everything that was important in their lives suddenly has no value. They no longer spend time as individuals but instead have adopted every part of their so's personalities as well as being attached at the hip to the person. It's not that their so's are bad people at all- at the same time it's so hard to watch anyone become someone that they are not. It's also hard to still stay a part of a person's life when they aren't who you thought they were. It's something I really am having a hard time with.
I just don't want to ever become like that. I guess it's a case of personal preference. It's how stubborn I am in my life that I won't say that of course if I am with C. I have to spend all of my time with him and believe in everything he does and if he doesn't value the friends in my life than tough luck to them. I think there is a middle ground. I definitely don't have the perfect relationship- we struggle with a lot of things- but at the same time I am still me. I'm still catholic, republican (i know i know such a travesty especially with who we have as president), i put my friends high up on my priority list, i love to volunteer, i believe in the good in people. that's my identity. Im proud of it- and too proud to change it for anyone. What i don't get is why people would. If the person wants to change you- or control you- or cause you to lose yourself then how can they be the best person for you.
Monday, April 09, 2007
ok so I think i have lost a few brain cells this weekend.
First of all I read a book all about planning weddings. No I am not planning my own. Just something I have always been interested in. So in the book it talks about the knot.com and how the people on there are known as knotties. they have their planning ideas in their online bios. So after reading about them I decided to check some of them out. and I got scared...very scared. There are people that want to color coordinate their drinkns to their bridesmaid colors to their aisle runners. I also got addicted. I kept clicking and clicking and reading and looking at these fabulous weddings and at these unbelivable dresses. What I can tell you in wedding trends. A lot of people seem to like pink and brown. A lot of people in Boston don't have nice things to say about the state room. The biggest nightmare is not that your marriage will fail but that the bridesmaids shoes won't mix well with the decor.
so if that wasn't enough of a loss of brain cells ... yesterday i got sucked into a marathon of america's next top model on mtv. I don't watch much reality tv. mainly the shows on bravo, top chef and project runway, and i watch idol, but somehow i have now been sucked in by tyra banks. first of all the woman is beyond gorgeous. secondly i truly think she really does care about the girls on the show. and these girls are very pretty. utterly gorgeous. i also like the fact that she had a plus size girl go pretty far in the season that i watched. maybe it's not all that bad after all
so if you have time and feel the need to be mindless catch the next episode and check out some of the women on the knot. it's pretty entertaining.
First of all I read a book all about planning weddings. No I am not planning my own. Just something I have always been interested in. So in the book it talks about the knot.com and how the people on there are known as knotties. they have their planning ideas in their online bios. So after reading about them I decided to check some of them out. and I got scared...very scared. There are people that want to color coordinate their drinkns to their bridesmaid colors to their aisle runners. I also got addicted. I kept clicking and clicking and reading and looking at these fabulous weddings and at these unbelivable dresses. What I can tell you in wedding trends. A lot of people seem to like pink and brown. A lot of people in Boston don't have nice things to say about the state room. The biggest nightmare is not that your marriage will fail but that the bridesmaids shoes won't mix well with the decor.
so if that wasn't enough of a loss of brain cells ... yesterday i got sucked into a marathon of america's next top model on mtv. I don't watch much reality tv. mainly the shows on bravo, top chef and project runway, and i watch idol, but somehow i have now been sucked in by tyra banks. first of all the woman is beyond gorgeous. secondly i truly think she really does care about the girls on the show. and these girls are very pretty. utterly gorgeous. i also like the fact that she had a plus size girl go pretty far in the season that i watched. maybe it's not all that bad after all
so if you have time and feel the need to be mindless catch the next episode and check out some of the women on the knot. it's pretty entertaining.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
divorced dating vs. widowed dating
as i have mentioned before c. is divorced. and sometimes i notice how different his mindset is compared to mine....
divorced: she might cheat on me
widowed: he might die on me
divorced: when is it going to fail
widowed: when will he get sick
divorced: 6 out of 10 marriages will fail
widowed: everyone dies
divorced: im scared of screwing up
widowed: im scared of losing him
divorced: i need to protect my heart
widowed: i need to protect my heart
in the grand scheme things are great with c. it's just that sometimes we are on completely different pages. tonight was one of those nights. but we will be fine. we just need to find a middle ground and remember what we have in common- that we are both scared but also both excited at the possibilities.
divorced: she might cheat on me
widowed: he might die on me
divorced: when is it going to fail
widowed: when will he get sick
divorced: 6 out of 10 marriages will fail
widowed: everyone dies
divorced: im scared of screwing up
widowed: im scared of losing him
divorced: i need to protect my heart
widowed: i need to protect my heart
in the grand scheme things are great with c. it's just that sometimes we are on completely different pages. tonight was one of those nights. but we will be fine. we just need to find a middle ground and remember what we have in common- that we are both scared but also both excited at the possibilities.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
friends unexpected
I have often said in real life that i could write a book about my travels on the MBTA, the buses that I take every day to get to work and home. Between the smelly people, and the ones that get way too close, the wonderful language that the teenagers use shouting down the bus and the number of accidents, breakdowns, and even police pullovers that have happened it's never a dull moment.
At the same time I have met some wonderful people. For 3 years I took the same bus at the same time every day. There were a bunch of us that always spoke to each other, we got to know each other pretty well. Bill the banker, Krista the tech, Meg the student and me. We started to go out about once a month after work with our significant others. This was back when I was dating John. We would all go out. And I must admit that we had a great time, but that people in the restaurant must have wondered about us. Bill is in his fifties and would bring his daughter who was a tween, Krista was in her forties, and me and Meg were in our twenties. Actually Meg got engaged the same weekend me and John did. So there we were, and after John got sick these 3 people held me together every morning. Meg was in nursing school and could explain some stuff I didn't understand. Krista worked at the hospital John was in and could check on him when I couldn't be there. Bill's sister had just gone through the same battle and he supported my emotions and helped me prepare for what could be next. And then John died. He died on a Saturday, on Tuesday I had a card in my mail from a return address that I didn't know and from a name I didn't recognize. The card just said, "It sucks. I know. I'm here when you need me." No name on the inside. It was a big mystery and I just couldn't figure out who this card was from. I moved. I stopped taking that bus. One day I ran into Bill at CVS and he was carrying his briefcase with his initials embossed. It was then that I knew exactly who that card was from. Bill is his middle name.
Since then I see Krista and Bill every once in awhile. Meg has moved but we still email. I ran into Krista the other day and hugged her till I couldn't anymore. She has had a rough road in front of her and I haven't seen her in awhile but it was like no time had passed at all.
Now i have new friends on my new bus. Jess and Scott. Jess and I go out about once a week. We talk about our boys. We gripe about our jobs. We cry together sometimes. Her mother was run over 2 years ago. I know what she is talking about when she is having a bad day- she knows where I am coming from when I have one. Scott is kinda like a big brother figure-- checks in-- makes sure our men are treating us well, makes sure we are behaving. Very much appreciated.
For as much time as I have spent on busses and for as many freaks and weird occurences that have happened I don't think I would trade it for driving by myself in a car every day. These people that I have met have been unexpected but so welcome. SO the next time you are on a bus or a train please say hello- you never know who is sitting next to you--- unless of course the person tries to grope you- then change seats as quick as possible! yes, a story for another day.
At the same time I have met some wonderful people. For 3 years I took the same bus at the same time every day. There were a bunch of us that always spoke to each other, we got to know each other pretty well. Bill the banker, Krista the tech, Meg the student and me. We started to go out about once a month after work with our significant others. This was back when I was dating John. We would all go out. And I must admit that we had a great time, but that people in the restaurant must have wondered about us. Bill is in his fifties and would bring his daughter who was a tween, Krista was in her forties, and me and Meg were in our twenties. Actually Meg got engaged the same weekend me and John did. So there we were, and after John got sick these 3 people held me together every morning. Meg was in nursing school and could explain some stuff I didn't understand. Krista worked at the hospital John was in and could check on him when I couldn't be there. Bill's sister had just gone through the same battle and he supported my emotions and helped me prepare for what could be next. And then John died. He died on a Saturday, on Tuesday I had a card in my mail from a return address that I didn't know and from a name I didn't recognize. The card just said, "It sucks. I know. I'm here when you need me." No name on the inside. It was a big mystery and I just couldn't figure out who this card was from. I moved. I stopped taking that bus. One day I ran into Bill at CVS and he was carrying his briefcase with his initials embossed. It was then that I knew exactly who that card was from. Bill is his middle name.
Since then I see Krista and Bill every once in awhile. Meg has moved but we still email. I ran into Krista the other day and hugged her till I couldn't anymore. She has had a rough road in front of her and I haven't seen her in awhile but it was like no time had passed at all.
Now i have new friends on my new bus. Jess and Scott. Jess and I go out about once a week. We talk about our boys. We gripe about our jobs. We cry together sometimes. Her mother was run over 2 years ago. I know what she is talking about when she is having a bad day- she knows where I am coming from when I have one. Scott is kinda like a big brother figure-- checks in-- makes sure our men are treating us well, makes sure we are behaving. Very much appreciated.
For as much time as I have spent on busses and for as many freaks and weird occurences that have happened I don't think I would trade it for driving by myself in a car every day. These people that I have met have been unexpected but so welcome. SO the next time you are on a bus or a train please say hello- you never know who is sitting next to you--- unless of course the person tries to grope you- then change seats as quick as possible! yes, a story for another day.
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