loving out loud

I was speaking to someone the other day about John and some things that I really missed about him. One of the things that came up was that John would say "I love you" no matter who was in hearing distance or where we were or what we were doing, and sometimes I really miss that.

I miss other people knowing that I am loved.

Don't get me wrong- C loves me. He loves me in a much different way than John ever did. It is a quiet kind of love. The kind that is not expressed verbally very often but when it is it means so much to both of us. It's more in the quiet between us and within the confines of it just being the two of us. With him it means a little more to me because I know it doesn't come easily to him to express it.

But I miss just hearing it across the room- yes John would just yell out, "Hey hon I really love you" across very crowded rooms at random times. I don't necessarily need to hear it but I need other people to know that C. really does feel that way about me. I tell them but sometimes it's like I am trying to prove that he does, not that he really does feel that way.

the thing is though-- why should it matter to other people. that's what bothers me- why do i let it matter? And I don't have a good answer to that- except somehow it does. Or it does with certain people. Mainly people who were John's friends. I need it not to matter because C is never going to be the man that will express any emotion like that in front of anyone. Shouldn't it be enough for me that he expresses it just to me?

4 years and one day

yesterday was 4 years. 4 long and painful, joyous and heartbreaking years. it was not a good day at all. it's the one day a year i wish i didn't work where he died. it broke me yesterday. walking in those doors and hating the fact that i am there everytime that they need me but the one time i needed them they failed me.

i know it's irrational. there are plenty of people that they are not able to save. but i just couldn't see past the fact that they didn't pull it out in the end for me. not yesterday-- every other day i look past it- or i try to. but yesterday- yesterday it nearly made me quit the job that i really do love. i broke down two horrible times and then somehow pulled it together to go to a few meetings and try to function.

the thing is though- no matter how happy i am in my life- i feel broken. like i am not who i could have been. and i don't know how i will ever feel differently.

moving

So this spring will bring new changes in life. I honestly cannot wait.

I am leaving H2Otown for greener pastures--- or at least different ones

Moving south of the city- a region I honestly despise but am doing out of love. C lives down there and no I am not moving in with him- or at least that is not the plan right now. But I am moving to live closer to him so that we have a shot of seeing each other more often.

Right now it takes him an hour and a half each wayto get to me. The town where I am looking at the most is only 20 minutes away from him.

It's also only 10 minutes away from one of my closest friends that I rarely get to see!

and the best part is I will be living on the commuter rail. It will literally take me less time to commute to work travelling 20 miles or so than it does now commuting 6 miles on the bus.

South shore here I come--- which honestly are the things that we do out of love--- because honestly being a north of the city girl- as I am- I never thought in athousand years I would ever live anywhere near where I am going to be

still alive

yes I am still here.

haven't felt like wrting the past few months. living my life has taken the front seat. well that and working in a thankless job that has had me down a lot of the time lately.

updates:

job= sucks. we have lost a great many patients over the past few months. and when you work in pediatric oncology that is never a good thing. it has a way of getting you down and keeping you down

home= we went through a roomate crisis but now hae a new one. and i hae beautiful new furniture that i absolutely love. also have a new washer that was a saga and a half but in the end is really great howeer word to the wise; never ever buy from sears. $1800 dollars for a $400 washer- I will leave it at that

widowhood= some days great some days not. part of this new life that will always be with us i think. i miss him- enough said.

friends= eh. i've learned that i do have a few ery good friends. i have also learned that i had some "friends" that weren't really friends as soon as my life went in a direction that they didn't like. oh well.

c= great. we are so happy together and just so happy period. we are finding it more and more challenging to not live together but for the time being it is for the best. we treasure our time together and value it more than anything. he continues to amaze me and makes me laugh more than i ever have.

i promise to try to write more- it's my resolution because there are things that need to be written about. I still read every day a bunch of blogs and want to get back into it.

finally a diagnosis

So for the past 4 years- yes i did say years- some of my doctors have thought that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- and then some didn't. Some believe you have to have cysts in order to have it- some think you just need symptoms of it- some think you need blood tests to confirm it.

Finally my doctor believes I have it 100%. My symptoms prove it, my blood proves it... who cares about my ovaries...she does-- but thankfully there are no cysts to be seen

so what does this mean?

well..focusing on the positive--- my doctor is almost 100% sure it's why I can't lose any weight no matter what I do-- and I mean no matter what--- I exercise daily, I eat healthy, I do everything that they say to do--and yet instead of weight coming off it comes on. So this is somewhat of a validation that I am not crazy- nor is something drastically wrong. It screws with your metabolism as well as insulin resistance.

it also could lead to type 2 diabetes, hair in unwanted places, acne, and for me the biggest concern-- it sometimes also suggests infertility- or at least issues getting pregnant.

considering i have never really tried to get pregnant I suppose I shouldn't worry about it-- but honestly-- that one thing scares me more than anything. The one thing I have always said I wanted in life is a child and no matter what I will have one- adoption or other means. But I hope it doesn't speak badly of me that I would just like to have one the somewhat traditional way. No offense I hope to anyone. I have always said I want to adopt-- but is it so wrong of me to just want to have one biologically.

I know this is all putting the cart before the horse... who knows I might have no issues whatsoever. Most indications point to the fact that the symptoms that also lead to symptoms of infertility are ones that I don't have.

in the meantime ther is a major sort of decision to be made. My doctor wants to put me on Metformin. The more I read the more it scares me a little that the side effects are so unpleasant... i am going back and forth on it.... anyone out there have any experience with this????

no news is good news

as summer comes to a close I realize how quickly it has gone by and how little time i have had for anything. Life though is good- it is very good. Work is crazy busy- 2 people have left which in a department of 5 is a whole heck of a lot- but somehow we are managing. C. is great-- although I always wish for more time with him but he has truly none to give. It's a struggle but worth it every day. Other than that just a whole lot of babies and weddings and housewarmings. Never ending events. I love being busy but I can sense it's time for me to take a much needed break. This weekend is looking almost empty so hopefully rest will come.

the pearls

Have I ever told you how thoughtful and just plain romantic John was. He truly was an old fashioned romantic. So it disturbed him greatly that he couldn't surprise me with my engagement ring. He had to shop for it online instead of in a store because he was housebound. I saw it when he found it online because he couldn't keep it to himself and he needed me to find his credit card. So not the surprise he wanted all his life.

But he made up for it on valentine's day 2004. He kept saying to me I needed to find a black dress. Find a new black dress. He teased me over and over again. So I went shopping one night and bought a dress I knew he would love- low cut and short- what more could a man want. I figure we were going to try to go out to dinner or maybe have it delivered in and he wanted to feel normal. Of course I would play along. Anything to make him feel like himself at a time when he was anything but.

So I get to his house and he's dressed up in a shirt and tie with his oxygen tubes and his catheter. It was the first time he wasn't in pajamas in 2 months. We sat down to a wonderful italian carry out dinner. And I figured this was my surprise - and what a wonderful gift it was. To see him in his element and happy as a clam that he had pulled one off on me.

Dinner was over. We were curled up on the couch watching a movie. He pulled a little box out from behind his back and said, "I think this is the perfect accessory for that dress." I opened the box and there was a beautiful pair of pearl and diamond earrings. Just the right size pearl with a little diamond attached. They were gorgeous. And somehow in that moment I fell in love with him again- not that we weren't completely in love but just for one minute it didn't feel like I was marrying a terminally ill cancer patient.

Later on that night we were lying in his bed. Something that his mother never permitted as I was supposed to sleep in the guest room. But that night was special and she said as long as I went to bed at some point of course we could curl up in his room- otherwise known as the dining room- in his hospital bed. SO there we were- me ever so cautiously trying not to anger his mother by wearing a cute little black cami and these black satin pajama pants with little red and pink hearts on them. John said he thought that even though I looked content something was still missing. He leaned over to his nightstand, opened his drawer, and pulled out a larger box with a big pink ribbon on it. I opened it to find a gorgeous strand of pearls to match the earrings. I was so surprised. He had pulled off the complete romantic gesture. He was so proud of himself for completely surprising me.

A month later I was even more surprised to be wearing those pearls to his funeral.

3 years and 5 months later I packaged those pearls up and lent them out today.

You see one of John's closest friends is getting married in October and today was her wedding shower. I am in the wedding. I am fully aware that I am only in this wedding as a way to honor him and his presence in her life. So for about a month now I have been grappling with what to give her as an appropriate shower gift. About a week ago I figured out that the best thing to give her would be a gift from him.

So today after all the presents had been opened (don't worry- she also got one of her place settings and a spa gift card from me), and after most of the guests had left I pulled her aside and gave her a card. Then I gave her the pearls. Then she broke down and so did I.

For in this romantic time of her life she misses her "big brother". The person that would have told her how proud he was of her and how happy he was for her. And I had put that in the card.
She said that she had thought of him this morning while waiting for the guests. That life still doesn't feel complete without him there. And that she knows she will feel a void on her wedding day. But then that card and those pearls changed that feeling- for now she has a piece of him to be with her then.

I can't begin to tell you how good today felt. Those pearls might have been the best thing he ever gave me. They brought him so much joy in giving them to me and today I felt that same sense of joy. For just one moment life was perfect. He will somehow be with her on her wedding day. For now that is enough. Those pearls- the biggest surprise he ever pulled off- the most romantic gesture of them all will be part of the most romantic and happiest day of her life. For just one moment everything felt perfect again.

c. and i had a wonderful day yesterday. so wonderful i almost let a comment slip right by without saying anything-- not the word almost. he mentioned something about getting married when i am 35. yes folks- that would be 5 years from now. 5 years. now i dont' want to get married tomorrow but i would like to be married long before then. and then i explained to him what every woman learned from watching when harry met sally-- or in my case when i watched the love of my life slip away before i got the chance.

when you know you have met the person you want to spend your life with you don't want to wait.

i waited with john- i waited for a long time. till everything was predictable-- or not predictable but expected. date 2 years get engaged- wait another year get married. or that was the plan

now i don't want the predictable or the expected. i just want to live life and figure it out. so what if the timing isn't perfect.

c. is on board to a point with this. he says he needs to straighten some stuff in his life out first. but it will definitely be sooner than 5 years. because he too wants to just live life and be happy.

until the moment comes though we just live as we have been- enjoying the precious time we get together.

things that weren't supposed to happen

i'm not supposed to be outliving him- at least not at 30

wednesday is my birthday and it's a big one and i am having a hard time with it. not for the reasons most of my friends are thinking. it's another year - big freaking deal. i am happy in most things in my life. everything is falling into place in my personal life and my job life.

but

john was diagnosed on his 30th birthday. he was dead 3 months later.


more than likely in 3 months and 5 days i will have outlived him. he was 3+ years older than me. i was not supposed to catch up to him.

and i hate it.

i just wish that i could stop thinking about the person that is missing in my life and just focus on who is there. but sometimes it's just so hard

now is one of those times.

happy birthday to me.

the childless widow

There have been 3 births and 3 pregnancies announced in my life in the past 3 months.

6 babies

none of them mine

and i cannot shake the sadness of that fact

because if cancer had not invaded our life we would have more than likely been welcoming a baby of our own by now

but instead i am childless and i hide my sadness behind rattles and playmats and darling clothes bought for other people's children

while always wondering why

and always wondering what a little piece of him and of me would have been like

sometimes the grief felt on this subject is just so much more than the grief i feel in losing him

and lately it is just that much more magnified

what life could have been like, what a child would have been like

so many dreams and wishes and hopes for a future- all ripped apart

yes i can still have a child- but it will never be his

there will never be a piece of him wandering this earth

and that sadness rips me apart every single day

update

So here's an update on all things me:
C and I are better than ever. He just took a new job with the aim that we will be better off in the future. Him taking this job also means that he will be able to give up one of his part time jobs meaning that he will have a little more time to see me :) couldn't be happier about that

my job is kicking me in hte rear these days. every day i am ready to give up and go somewhere else but i don't have the motivation to look for anything plus there are promises on the table that i am waiting to see fulfilled.

the house hunt is on in a major way. nothing has either met my expectations or met my price range as of yet. it's still a pretty bad housing market for a buyer here in massachusetts no matter what the articles say.

i finally have a doctor's appointment in august which i need desperately. I think part of me not writing lately has been that i am so scared that something is wrong and it's consuming my mind on a daily basis which in turn has made me very very cranky

wedding season is in full bloom- 4 weddings between now and november. fun fun fun- or ugh ugh ugh.

i miss john. i miss him more than i usually admit to. it just sneaks up on me and i hate that. i hate that people who know me now don't know me really. it's just a part of me. i know i will never stop missing him but i certainly wish it would get a little easier. maybe it's just today. maybe it's just this month- who knows.

long time no talk

if anyone still checks this- yes I am alive. Been kind of cranky and not wanting to really write about it. Everything's ok- I just feel like I could bite someone's head off for no apparent reason. Ever feel this way?

will be back hopefully later in the week with a better attitude

some days

some days it comes out and hits me - he's not here. my best friend- the one i wanted to share my life with is not here. and it takes my breath away
yesterday was one of those days
and then last night c came over. and it hit me again. he is here. c. is here. and with that i can exhale again

random thoughts

• There was an article today in one of the papers around here that spoke of how many complaints the MBTA receives about their service(MBTA=public transit). The number one complaint supposedly is about their employees and how rude they are at times. I have to say as a faithful MBTA rider as I have no other means of getting to work (parking=$300 a month at my work) I have to say that would not be my number one complaint. Instead I would complain about the fact it takes me on most days around 4 hours round trip to get to my job that is only 8 miles away from my house because of late busses or breakdowns or in typical fashion this week's excuse of having a driver just walk off the bus at a stop and refuse to drive anymore leaving us stranded on the bus at an entrance ramp to the highway. C. asked me if I have ever written a formal complaint and I said to him why bother- it's not going to change anything and that is so sadly true.

• Today I went to order a new pair of glasses as I can barely see out of my current ones. I ask you this question- why doesn't health insurance cover the cost and leave me with a copay. It's not like I am choosing to wear a piece of metal on my face for the sheer joy they bring me. I can't see my hand in front of my face without them on- isn't that a medical condition that needs fixing??? Instead I shelled out my $500 and will have my wonderful new glasses here just in time to drive to NH for my father's birthday next weekend- good thing too because even driving the few miles to the busstop is questionable some days never mind getting on a highway.

• I am a bigger tomboy than I think I have admitted to here and can't help but wish that A-Rod (A-Fraud) screws up royally some point over the weekend while the yankees are in town playing the sox. He's a cheater and a liar- and honestly I can't find one nice looking thing about him except the fact that at least he is in a yankees uniform instead of a red sox one.

• Working in a cancer institute makes me very afraid to go to the doctor. I have been having some serious weird pain the past few days and know I should probably go to the doctor but am too afraid to make an appointment and am hoping it will just go away. in the world that i work in everyone does this. everyone is so afraid by everything that we see that no one ever goes to the dr. it's probably not the wisest thing and i probably should be going to the dr but i know it's not my appendix and other than that hopefully it will just diminish.

• me, r. and baby b. are going to a hot dog derby this weekend. i wonder what kind of interest a 5 week old is going to have in hot dogs. for that matter i wonder what his mom and auntie really are thinking as well

the end

well the end has finally come to a very dear friendship- one that i treasured but in the end proved not worth fighting for by the other party. amazing that for so long he pushed me to have a voice and when i finally did speak my voice he didn't like what i had to say. i will miss d. terribly-and can only hope that one day i open my phone to find a text from him.

what amazes me most after all the loss that we as people have endured- a new loss of a different kind can hurt just as much

however i guess there comes a point and after months of the silent treatment for speaking my mind i have finally had enough.

after all life is too short to live in silence.

yesterday C and I celebrated one year of being together. Although work schedules on both mine and his part made it impossible to see each other this weekend (gotta love budget season with a new software system) we are both fully aware of what this day meant. For me it has been 365 days of mostly smiles and laughter. he has added to my life and i can't picture my life at the present without him in it. i love him more and more every day and have no fears we will be celebrating in the near future. Of all the horrible dates and questionable encounters I had post-widow boy am I ever glad I went to the fatgirldance
:)

the art of falling

There's an article in Oprah magazine for June that has really got me thinking.... mainly because the person Martha Beck describes is a combination of both me and C.

The article is about falling... falling in love, falling in intimacy.. and being totally frightened by it.

I realized very early on that I was so afraid to open my heart again. To allow myself to feel anything even resembling love. All these months later (a year this weekend) I know i am in love. Did I allow myself to fall... definitely not. Should I have... possibly. As the author explains when you allow yourself to fall then you truly feel. I know I am overprotective of myself. Too much pain, too much hurt... don't want to experience any more heartbreak... at least not willingly. C. is much the same way. Very guarded about his feelings- about being in love. about letting himself fall. We are two tarnished people.

the article says bad idea #1 about taking the lover's leap is guarding your heart. that you have to feel in order to feel. and it's a perfect concept. i completely understand it. i also completely can't buy into it. maybe this heart's been through too much.

the writer also says that when you think about the concept of someone dying you treasure them even more. i think any non-widowed person thinks this. the widowed person instead says, "I treasure them. I lived each moment with them. I held them I loved them. It still didn't stop the horror from happening." I treasure C. I love him. I love who I am with him. I know he is a wonderful man. But there is always still going to be a part of me that knows that holding him close, treasuring him, feeling blessed because of him does not change that one day he could be gone. Of course we live each moment and breathe each moment I think it's just different knowing that as much as you live life you can't choose when it's over.

do you think walking cautiously into love can still have the same effect as falling in love? i sure hope so. I don't know if I will ever fall in love again. I think my heart will always be guarded. I think my mind will always say be careful, be careful- don't give yourself away 100%, save a tiny tiny portion as backup

i can't say i hate that feeling but i can say i don't know if anyone but the widows will understand.

Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my mother. My mother. The woman who I have not spoken to in at least a year and haven't seen in 7 years. My mother.

The things that exist between us are too much to get past. And yes I know life is short and yes I do miss her but no it isn't worth the emotional turmoil that having her in my life would cost me.

So I open the package to find a ruby and diamond ring. Very pretty. Very me.

I decide to pick up the phone

Dial the number and hear it has been disconnected.

What kind of daughter doesn't know their own mother's phone number?

you're looking at her and words cannot describe how horrible a feeling it is.

A few thoughts:



C. is an amazing man. I love him more than I tell him. He has brought a piece of me to the surface that makes me so happy. I picture a future with him. I picture a baby with him. I picture a life with him. How amazing is that??



Today at work I was given a service award for 5 years of service. Technically it's 6 next week. Time has definitely flown by. I am lucky to most days have a job that i like, have a boss that I love, and actually have a good time at work. I am also incredibly lucky to work for an organization that takes the time to recognize its employees. Not to mention the little blue box that my gift came in that every woman loves to see....





This baby, brennan, has brought a new joy into my life. I don't have any friends that have children. He is the first and I honestly can't wait to see him again. I can't wait to old him again. I just can't wait for so many things. I wish his father would realize the beauty he is missing out on but am so blessed to be able to love this little man.






Loving life. Very busy. But loving it. Never would have thought 3 years ago that that statement would be possible There is hope along this widow road. For me it has come in the people that enrich my life. Still having issues with some "friends" but maybe it will be sorted out, maybe it won't. At this point I know that my life is full. That I am blessed. That I am loved. That I feel love. Anything is possible. Everything is possible. How amazing is that

There is so much I could write about and in time I think I will. Tonight though I just need to sleep.

One thought to leave with.... Brennan was born in the same hospital that John died in. I love the fact that I can now walk by that place every day and have such a beautiful moment in my mind instead of the one I have been carrying with me for the past 3 years. God is good and I feel very blessed.