loving out loud

I was speaking to someone the other day about John and some things that I really missed about him. One of the things that came up was that John would say "I love you" no matter who was in hearing distance or where we were or what we were doing, and sometimes I really miss that.

I miss other people knowing that I am loved.

Don't get me wrong- C loves me. He loves me in a much different way than John ever did. It is a quiet kind of love. The kind that is not expressed verbally very often but when it is it means so much to both of us. It's more in the quiet between us and within the confines of it just being the two of us. With him it means a little more to me because I know it doesn't come easily to him to express it.

But I miss just hearing it across the room- yes John would just yell out, "Hey hon I really love you" across very crowded rooms at random times. I don't necessarily need to hear it but I need other people to know that C. really does feel that way about me. I tell them but sometimes it's like I am trying to prove that he does, not that he really does feel that way.

the thing is though-- why should it matter to other people. that's what bothers me- why do i let it matter? And I don't have a good answer to that- except somehow it does. Or it does with certain people. Mainly people who were John's friends. I need it not to matter because C is never going to be the man that will express any emotion like that in front of anyone. Shouldn't it be enough for me that he expresses it just to me?

4 years and one day

yesterday was 4 years. 4 long and painful, joyous and heartbreaking years. it was not a good day at all. it's the one day a year i wish i didn't work where he died. it broke me yesterday. walking in those doors and hating the fact that i am there everytime that they need me but the one time i needed them they failed me.

i know it's irrational. there are plenty of people that they are not able to save. but i just couldn't see past the fact that they didn't pull it out in the end for me. not yesterday-- every other day i look past it- or i try to. but yesterday- yesterday it nearly made me quit the job that i really do love. i broke down two horrible times and then somehow pulled it together to go to a few meetings and try to function.

the thing is though- no matter how happy i am in my life- i feel broken. like i am not who i could have been. and i don't know how i will ever feel differently.