the top ten things that i am enjoying about my life right now:

1. I am happy. Like really happy- not the fake happy that i have been existing in for such a long time now

2. It's been a gorgeous week of weather and even though I have a sunburn -- it feels good

3. am loving my new room. It feels so beachy-- all done in blue and white- but I absolutely love it- and enjoy spending as much time as i am able to in it relaxing

4. even though it's the busiest time of the year at work- i am having a great time. we laugh so much every day and the friends that i have there are amazing

5. the little flutter i get every time i see c's name on my caller id

6. my friends- they are amazing people. nothing more to be said

7. i am healthy!!! been way too long since i have been able to say that- but i really am and it feels so good

8. although it's been a hard road i am so proud of myself and all that i have done and accomplished- and to admit to that pride makes me happy- shows truly how far i have come

9. i have a busy life- and that keeps me going and keeps me happy- am truly looking forward to the summer of weddings

10. i am happy- nothing more to be said

a lot can happen in one night....

so a few months ago a friend of mine mentioned that she had been going to these singles danced referred to as large people's singles dances. now i do consider myself large as i am large by "norms" of society

r. and i decided to give it a go this week. it was supposed to be a large crowd due to the holiday weekend. there were activities all three days.... sounded like it could be fun. so all week it was like this weird buildup-- what will we wear... will we fit in... will it be fun...

we got to the hotel ballroom and were kinda disapointed- the music was not so great there weren't a lot of people... we decided to stick it out awhile and see what happened. good thing we did- we both ended up having an awesome time. we danced with no inhibitions--- no one was looking at the fat girl on the floor- we were small by comparison- but it didn't matter- we were just comfortable. then we met a few guys.

i met c. no matter where this goes- i will forever be grateful to him for this night. we talked for hours upon hours. i shared stuff with him that i am usually so closed off about. he is an incredibly caring man. someone i would not normally have jumped at but am so glad i have had the opportunity of meeting. he understood about john to the point that he held me as i cried a little later in the night and gave me the words that i have been looking for. he touched my heart and he said, "john will always be in your heart- he will always be here. anyone who does not accept that and does not understand that will never understand you. he will always be your first love-just make sure you make room in there for the person he sends you next." he actually gets it. i still am very cautious- there are a lot of differences between us. at the same time- i want to see if the future holds anything for us. we both kind of think it could - still have a lot of talking and getting to know each other to do-but he makes me smile, and he makes me laugh-- he can't be all bad at all. for the first time in a really long time i am going to sleep happy. tomorrow is the start of a new day- and you never know what it could hold.

the walk

the time has come to start getting serious about the walk. every year i organize a team to walk in john's memory for the jimmy fund. we walk the boston marathon route and have a great time. this year all the money that we as a team will raise will hopefully go towards the pediatric patient assistance fund. it's hard to come up to the minimum needed to redirect but hopefully we will be able to do it.

the first year the walk was on the 6th month mark. it was a very hard day for me. john's father and stepmother and stepbrother came to town to do the walk and to meet baby henry. the anxiety of seeing them carried me through the first 13 miles but then it all hit me. why were we walking in john's memory... why the hell wasn't he here doing this with us. the year before he had wanted to do the walk with me but had a family commitment. the year before that he was as upset as i was that i was too sick to walk.

after wellesley that year i started to fall apart. couldn't turn my mind off- couldn't focus and just really struggled. my roomate was on the route with m e that year and knew that i couldn't finish it was just too hard emotionally for me. she called her boyfriend and he came and picked us up and i went home and crashed. met up with everyone at the finish line and put on a brave face but inside my heart was broken.

last year was a much better expperience. walked the route partially by myself and then with dave and jeff. we shared memories of john and stories of him and just talked about life. it went by in a blur but i felt stronger than i had in a really long time.

this year i am looking for that strength. it's been a very trying time to have to turn into a patient at the farber myself and also have two close friends battling cancer as well. i know that it will be a good time again as we cross that finish line. this year somehow it just feels different. by that point i should be in the all clear as will e. and c. so much to be grateful for. so much still missing. but the journey continues onward until i reach my own finish line. i know john would be proud of what we are doing and what we have accomplished. so far about $50,000 towards a great cause-- hopefully another $10,000 this year. he made a difference in my life and this is my way of making a difference.

how life is

do you ever say to yourself that you are supposed to be doing this or doing that. your life is supposed to be a certain way and your goals are clearly defined. i used to be that way. i had every goal laid out-- married at 27- hopefully a child by 30. house, car, job, husband. everything was set. and then life changed. i have finally come to accept that this- this moment- this time- this person is exactly who i am supposed to be and how my life is supposed to be. yes i am sure there will be changes and yes there are always going to be ups and downs- there always have been and none of that has changed- but this person- this me is exactly who i am supposed to be. what an amazing concept.

fair relationship friends

there's a saying - you're only a fair weather friend. i have seen this plenty in my life- especially when john was sick and after he died. other people couldn't handle it.

but that's not really what i want to talk about. there are a bunch of people who i greatly treasure in my life who are a different type of fair weather friend. a fair relationship friend. maybe it's because i am not in a relationship- but i don't think it's really that. i am very tired of being someone's friend until the weekends or until their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend has time for them. then it's like i never existed. no phone calls, no conversations, no anything.

i get wanting to spend time with your significant other.i really do. but even when i am in a relationship it doesn't mean that my friends don't have a place in my life. just wondering what the point is anyway.

the difference

technically i am not a widow- i was only engaged to john. we never got legally married. we were married in our religion but that's it. i don't know that it's any harder or easier than being a technical widow but it definitely is different.

this was made very clear to me in my adventures in online dating. they ask you in the questionarries about your "status". i always feel like i am hiding something when i click single-but we were never married technically so then i feel weird clicking widowed. i wish there was an other box. i feel like i fit into the "other" category.

of course this isn't the only time when the difference is obvious... however it is usually the only time that i feel like i am witholding something.

and when i think about it i do regret not legally marrying john. everything was so complicated at the time. i had my father sick as well as john and was financially responsible for a portion of his care. i didn't know if i could make the life support decisions so that me and john's mother wouldn't have ended up in court. there were other reasons as well but those were the 2 huge ones.

now a little more than two years later i think i would have still made the same decision-even though i do regret it. knowing that we would have never had the life that either one of us wanted with each other would still stop me every time.

there are lots of differences between being widowed and being single. in the end though a lot of the hurt and a lot of the emotions are the same. there's someone missing. there's a new you to discover. and there are memories that you will never be made. too bad there's not just a box for broken hearted. i bet that one would fit both categories.

my john

someone asked me today why i don't have any pictures of john around. i figured i would post one here.... this is us the day that i met his father for the first time and the day that he asked my father's permission to ask me to marry him.... even though he had already asked me. i tend to overlook the hospital gown and all the machines and the ever present oxygen tubing and just focus on how happy we were. it always used to make me cry to look at it and now it only makes me smile and have a lot of happy memories

dance like no one is watching

dancing has always been part of my life...or at least as long as i can remember. almost for 26 years. now i only tap dance and i know to most people that sounds funny. what grown adult takes tap classes? but for me it is my weekly release and my way to come home to myself. it's where i am most comfortable and where i will admit to being good at something. and i am good at it.

since i started dancing in boston i have gotten to know a bunch of wonderful people. i treasure them greatly. but it struck me the other day how absolutely unlucky we have been. i think i have been dancing in this place for about 5 years now and i got to know these women fairly quickly. over the past two and a half years- i lost john, e. was diagnosed with cancer, c.'s house burnt down the same week john died, l.'s niece died ,and m has gone through various relationships. through all of this though we keep tapping. once a week we get together with whoever else is in the class and use the excuse of dancing to see each other. we all enjoy dancing but for us it is so much more.

but maybe that is why i keep dancing- because it has always been so much more. even when i was younger my dance classes were the time i got to show off for my parents and have them to myself. or the drives to and from dance classes when i was a little older were when my brother explained the world to me and i got to spend time with him before he went to college. in high school it was my escape- by that point i danced or taught 5 days a week and then there were competitions and performances and rehearsals. it kept me out of the house that i was miserable in and away from my parents who were always fighting. i even kept dancing when john was sick as much as i could. it was my chance to be normal and feel like myself even though my world was spinning out of control. and then when he died i went back to dancing right away because i knew that going back to the studio would allow me to be me. that i could fall apart around my friends there and everything would be ok or if i felt like dancing i would. and dance i did.

now when i dance i have more fun- i even look at myself in the mirror which i never used to do. we have a performance coming up and i might even invite some friends. i never dance in front of people anymore since now i dance for me- for the sheer love of it and for the enjoyment it gives me. but part of me wants to share this me with people. for me the studio is my home and dancing is my first great love. it has helped me through all kinds of things and brought me so much happiness. i hope that this love lasts a lifetime

28 things

i read another blog today that had done this so i thought i would give it a shot-- 20 things about me that you might not know and that i have discovered

1. i used to be afraid of dogs--- samantha changed it
2. i miss my mom
3. i love being cold at night so that i can curl all the blankets around myself
4. i have only been in love once
5. i have been proposed to 4 times- by 3 different men--said yes to 2- and married none
6. i wanted to be a car designer when i grew up -in third grade-- a teacher in high school- entered college as a chemistry major- and now am an accountant
7. i never had a lot of friends until i was an adult
8. i have watched all of the seasons of sex and the city at least 6 times
9. the number 9 will always have special meaning to me
10. i took off my engagement ring about 6 months ago and haven't looked at it since
11. but i still miss john more than ever and think about him at least once every hour
12. i am terrified of thunderstorms
13. i think i want a baby more than i want a husband-- though hoping meeting the right person will one day change that
14. i don't know if i would meet john and have him in my life as i am now
15. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing
16. i cry in every meeting with my boss
17. i don't think that's a good thing at all
18. i am scared of being alone when i am 30
19. even though people think that they know a ton about me i still keep a lot to myself
20. i wish that i had married john when i had the chance
21. i regret leaving him alone to die
22. i still want to be a dance teacher
23. i like my work colleagues a lot more than i admit to
24. i still want to leave boston
25. i don't know where i want to move to but have applied to jobs all over the country
26. i have an addiction to chick flicks
27. and to teeny bopper movies
28. i'm sleepy and should go to bed

a good day.... do i dare ask for 2 in a row. made the decision not to see E. anymore. it's not a healthy relationship and it's not good for me. i deserve to be happy and at this time in my life i can afford to be selfish. this is one of the only times where i would ever say that. yes it's lonely to be single and of course i wish i wasn't but i would rather be lonely than be making the biggest mistake of my life. so once again the search is on--- or maybe the hoping that the second mr. right will find me.
work was ok today too. didn't really accomplish much but that's ok some days. of course it means i will have to work at home tonight but i really don't care too much
for the first time in a long time i can exhale....

happy or not

there is so much going through my head the past few days- i just want to try to get it out so that i can move forward.

i want to be happy- yet i am not. I am not sad- not miserable- not depressed- not anything really- just unhappy. i know that only i can change that and i feel like i keep working on that but i always just feel unhappy. so what do i do to make it so that i am not? do i change jobs? move? come to the conclusion that i will never be happy without him in my life? settle for the guy i am seeing and convince myself he could make me happy even though i know he doesn't? do i keep staying friends with the people i have in my life even though a lot of them only make me feel worse about myself or i don't trust in their friendship?

it's hard to not be happy in life when at one point in time you couldn't imagine being anything but happy in it- it's like a huge letdown not only in yourself but in life. i wish there was just some magic button to flip and everything would go back to normal or at least to a resemblance of that- where i could just be happy again. maybe i'll figure it out soon--- i really hope so-- it would be nice and i would be so grateful.

the person i miss most

i was on the phone with katie b. today and she could tell i was upset. after she asked who i was upset with i said to her no one she knew..... and that is true. because the truth is i am upset with myself- the real me- the me that i was. but no one in my life now knows that person. they only know this person. this me that cries at the drop of a hat- is never truly happy- always feels empty. i miss the old me and am so upset that i can't still be that person. the one that could laugh about anything and make light of any situation. the person that john fell in love with. carefree no- but happy yes. how do i get that person back? how do i not be upset that i am so changed in my life that even when other people perceive me to be happy i am still never truly happy. i miss me.

the hole- and how to crawl out

ever get the feeling that you know you just want to give up-- that all this effort of trying to live - and live past this and through this has just gotten to be too much and all you want to do is crawl in a hole and hide until it all just disappears. that is where i am today. the pressure is so great some days to just be normal- to be 28 and carefree and happy. in reality i am 28 have a million worries and am a freak because i am a widow. well techinically i am not even that-- i am just a person with a broken heart. so today i have crawled into that bubble- i took the day off and haven't gotten out of bed all day. i can't really eplain what's wrong except to say that i miss him- us- the team that we were and could have been. i can't hear his voice anymore, the memories that i have are vivid but distant at the same time. half the time i almost feel like the 2 years that i knew him were just a dream- that they didn't really happen. maybe that's what i wish for. would it be so horrible to wish he wasn't a part of my life- i kind of feel like if he hadn't met me he'd still be here. i brought him his bad luck. somehow i blame myself. and i know that not right or anything scientific but it helps a little to feel blame. otherwise what the hell happened to such a vibrant, young and healthy man.

Great Big Sea of memories

so this weekend was the long awaited great big sea concert. dave, tim, joni, mike, and myself. Great concert- absolutely fabulous. But there should have been 6 people there not just the 5 of us. And then there comes the thought that there has to come a point that life is lived without feeling that someone's missing. Otherwise it's not living. But for the moment i guess it's ok to miss him. and i do. more so than i have in a really long time. I know that part of it is that GBS meant so much to him. i feel so lucky that i got to learn about them through him. they will always be a huge part of my life and my memories of him.
He taught me to live in the sea of no cares. to not worry about what other people thought of him but what we thought of our relationship. that song will always make me cry i think because it was us for so long. the memories that i have of him are constant but the memories of gbs in his life and as a part of us are so incredibly special to me.
hopefully one day i will share gbs with someone who will mean as much to me as he did and does. maybe then i won't feel like someone's missing and instead that someone's watching and beating his drum