Christmas and other mentionables

So Christmas came and went, 3rd Christmas without him, first one with C. I have to admit it's the first holiday that I have thoroughly looked forward to. It did not disappoint. Saw C. Christmas eve- spent Christmas day alone. Honestly it's not as bad as it sounds, I promise. Saw my family the next day. All in all was a nice time.

I think that the more time goes by the more that I feel that life is making me happier and happier. Yes there are challenges every day. Yes sometimes i honestly cannot breathe bcause of the pain certain memories cause me. Yes I still come almost close to hyperventilating when someone I care about has to go to the Dr's and tests are ordered and I don't think any of those feelings will ever go away.

So here we approach 2007. 3 months until 3 years. on the other end of the spectrum 5 months until c. and I have spent a year together. Some days still conflicted more than ever and other days so happy that I can't even remember the sadness. Hoping for a year full of more and more happiness and less tears. More joy and less sorrow. That's all anyone really hopes for though isn't it?

still here

The holiday season has kept me so busy I have had no time to write. Luckily though not a lot is going on. Me and C are doing well- I have even gotten to see him more! My job has been horrible and I have been working way way way too much. John's birthday came and went. As did diagnosis day. Did a lot better this year. I think it was because i was way too busy to think about anything.

The tree is up. The presents are wrapped. Im ready for Christmas-and actually looking forward to it. Maybe later today I will post a little more detail.

learned traits

This was posted in beyond active grieving today and i found myself nodding my head to almost all of them. thank you peggy a for putting into words what i haven't been able to.

gifts of grief

Courage, wisdom, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, patience, persistence, resilience,

I learned the purpose for my life (to help other people),

I learned appreciation and gratitude for the small and ordinary goodnesses in my life,

I learned to let go,

I learned to bend and not break,

I learned to accept the unacceptable,

I learned to surrender to that which was stronger and more powerful than I,

I learned to not care what other people think,

I learned to love myself unconditionally,

I learned the power of prayer and how to pray for qualities in myself like strength and determination and the courage to see me through as opposed to praying for outcomes or material things,

I learned what is really precious in this world,

I learned to follow the flow of life instead of always fighting against it (because it wasn't always the direction I wanted to go ...),

I learned how to be truly present in the moment I was in rather than the moment I wanted to be in,

I learned how to find peace, really true and lasting peace in pieces instead of waiting for it to come to me as something whole,

I learned to have confidence in myself - if I could get through grief I could get through anything,

I learned what my real priorities in life were,

I learned spiritual depth,

I learned to know myself - my strengths and weaknesses and how to work around both,

I learned that no matter what happens to me - I can and will go on

and to add my own:

I learned that it is not the amount of time that you spend loving a person but how you love them,

I learned the only person that I can count on is myself- but that I am pretty good company,

I learned self-conviction

I learned patience with myself and my emotions

I learned joy in small things

I learned a broken heart can be at least partially put back together

I learned to accept my past and live in the present and once again look forward to the future

wondering

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart

Without saying a word you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old mr. webster could never define

What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me.

But he did leave me and some days i just want to scream. This was to be our wedding song and tomorrow would be our second wedding anniversary and instead I lay here wondering.....

wondering if we would have made it

wondering what he would say to me

wondering if i'll ever really let him go

wondering if it will ever hurt less on these big days- if i can just let them go by

wondering why i would want that

just wishing we had the chance...

sometimes there really are survivors

Tonight I heard the best news I have heard in a long time....
A year and a half ago my friend E. was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was 30 at the time. Early stages. Great attitude. Supportive husband. She was going to beat it. She went through gene testing. Found out that she carries the gene. Not only did she have to have a double mastectomy but she is at incredibly high risk for ovarian cancer and needs to have a hysterectomy within the next 5 years. Suddenly life had deadlines. So as soon as she could they started trying to have a baby. For many months.

Tonight I found out that I am goingt to be an "auntie" in early June. I honestly couldn't be any happier! :) No only has E. survived but she is a true inspiration to me and I am sure she will be a wonderful mother. I'm just glad she will have the chance

cheryl

You know that feeling where you laugh so hard you are crying. I just had a phone call that had me like that for a good half hour. My friends- though sometimes aggrevating are literally the best. My friend Cheryl is one in a million. We have gone through so much together and she is just so true to herself. She is also true to our friendship. As i have said before I don't know if she liked John or not as it is a conversation that we have never really had but I do know that she has supported me in more ways than I can count since he died.

We met before college. She lived in NH as did I and they had a welcome reception for NH students where we met. Worlds being small and all we lived about 20 minutes away from each other and had mutual friends. September came around and she lived 2 doors down the hall from me. All through college we lived in the same hallway except for one year. Some of my fondest memories from college involve cheryl and some of the most meaningful conversations involve her as well.

After college we remained close. We both had roomates that we were all a big bunch of friends and got together often. She soon met her now husband and moved closer to her job and him in RI. She never met John. Not many of my friends did. But I do remember one very long conversation with her about us after we got engaged. Cheryl couldn't believe I was "compromising" what I always wanted in a wedding to marry John. She and others of my friends always gave me a hard time because I always said I wanted a winter wedding with rose muffs for my girls. When the time came I realized that I really didn't want that anymore and I didn't care when or how we got married as long as we did. We only talked about it that one time. At John's wake a few months later Cheryl came and whispered in my ear that all of the compromises would have been worth it.

Since then she got engaged and I was in her wedding this summer. At her wedding I was a bridesmaid but she also asked me to read the petitions or prayers of the faithful. She had given me the printout for practice and I had read through them. At the ceremony I was very nervous about my speaking part. It was a very large wedding and speaking in public was not my thing. I got up to the lectern and looked at the printout was a smiley face and a "we love you for doing this" and then I started reading. I got midway through the prayers when I got to the death one. You know. " For those that we wish could be with us but are with us in spirit, especially for...." Well on the sheet I had been given I didn't know any of the names, but on the printout at the wedding there was one more name added to the list. it said, "John G. who is always loved" I wasn't able to read that part out loud but was so touched that I could barely speak.

Tonight we were laughing about when we get old and in our 80s and what we will be like. We were cracking up. One of those deep laughs that you can feel all the way to the bones. I love Cheryl like a sister, she is always going to mean so much to me. And tonight I thank her for making a rough day just a little easier

picture is of this beautiful woman on her wedding day with me and our frend j.

How do I get sucked into both Grey's Anatomy and ER in one night even when I work in a hospital- I don't have goof thoughts about hospitals- and it's way past my bedtime.

november

I really hate November
Almost as much as March

November 9 2003- A call from my brother telling me my father was in the hospital- brain tumor-" inoperable"

November 10, 2003- he was transferred to the brigham

November 11, 2003- 14 hours of sitting in the family waiting room with my brother that I barely speak to- he will make a full recovery

November 14, 2003- he has a pulmonary embolism

November 15, 2003- John asks me to marry him for the first time


then of course life changed. We planned a wedding for November 20, 2004. He died in march- no wedding- except of course to cancel with the priest the week before because he didn't get the 3 messages I had left with him prior. And then I crash John's car he had left to me into a garbage truck the wednesday before we were supposed to be married. Totaled the only thing that I had of his.

I really really hate November. And somehow every year it sneaks up on me and my emotions are all over the place and I can't figure out why until i really think about it. In a matter of a month my life changed and changed again- at the time into something that I really wanted but now just brings me a lot of pain.

time to let go- or time to hold on

so C. and I are coming up to the end of our month without seeing each other. And part of me couldn't be happier- and then part of me is really struggling.

as i have said before C. has a very busy schedule. To the point where I am lucky if he has 3 hours for me over the course of a weekend. I have had issues with this right from the start but when I am with him I am so happy that I almost forget about it. But I did tell him that after life had calmed down that I needed to spend a lot more time with him. At least a full day a weekend. He totally agreed and promised that he would definitely free time up.

Fast forward to today- he just got back from NC last night and I said something about seeing him this weekend- and he then said - yeah- he would see me sunday for a short time. I didn't really say anything back- but am definitely fliiping out on the inside.

When is it time to realize he just doesn't have the time that I feel not only that I need but that I mostly deserve. How can I explain to him that it is so hard on me when all of my friends spend their weekends and lives with their so's and I have spent 2 and a half years trying to not let that bother me- but now that I am with him it only bothers me more. How do I shake the feeling that a part of me feels like a prostitute but without the money and sometimes without the activity- but that such a limited time with him doesn't make me feel like this relationship is ever going to go to the places that we both want it to go- or at least that we both have said we want it to go.

I know he works so hard at trying to find time for me- but at the same time it's not enough. How do I keep my heart from breaking when I know that I love him and have fallen in love with him but that I either need to end it or convince myself that it's enough. I know he is enough- just need more time in the day.

i miss him
(which him?)

2 more weeks
(or an eternity?)

i want to feel his arms around me
(sometimes if i think hard enough i can feel them)

6 months of being together almost
(or 32 months apart)

i can picture a life with him
(i would never be who i am without him)

i love him
(i love him)

Well the last of the weddings (i hope!) is this weekend. I cannot wait to just have a weekend at home. Haven't been home for a weekend since early August and it's starting to really wear on me. On top of having to deal with weddings every single weekend.

I've gotten pretty good at letting the words wash over me and not feel anything about them. Whether that's good or bad who knows-- but it is a great survival tactic.

I think of all of them I was most affected by Katie and Matt's. They were my roomates right after John died and we lived together for 2 years. They still live only a street away and I talk to them every day. I think finally seeing them married meant the end of something. Closure in another form. Also their favors were replaced by a donation to the walk and there was a beautiful plaque up explaining that. It was just a very special wedding to me.

Then there has been Cheryl and Tony's, Laura and James's, Jess and Matt's, Sadaf and Eddie's and this weekend Cindy and Steve's. I think this weekends will be the most elaborate. A theater on Broadway. I am excited for some time in New York but even more so I am excited for next weekend when I can just hang around home, spend time with some friends, maybe even cook and do some crafts.

how busy is too busy

I, by nature, am a very busy person. Between working long hours, dance classes, excursions with friends, social obligations- I tend to not have much time in my life for me. A year ago I finally got tired of always running. I made a deal with myself to take at least one day a weekend just for me. If not both. Which was really working for me until I met C. I then realized what it must have been like to date me in hte past. C. works a regular full time job, 2 regular art time jobs, 2 more not so regular part time jobs and has his dughter. The man is always going, going, going.

About 2 weeks ago I finally lost it on him. I was tired of just being squeezed into his schedule and since then he is definitely taking notice of how little time he has for him or for us. Which is a good thing- acting on it will be twice as good.

but now we come upone the next 4 weeks. Because of his schedule I cannot see him during the week. So that only leaves weekends. I saw him yesterday. Next weekend I have a wedding in NH. The following weekend I have a wedding in Manhattan. The weekend after that he will be at a conference in NC. So in 4 weeks I will see him again. It's like having a long distance relationship without the distance. But he continues to be worth it- just need to be reminded every once in awhile of that fact. Especially when his schedule makes me want to scream- as does mine sometimes.

taking my life back

To John's Friends: The past two and a half years I have lived with my life under inspection. Every move that I have taken, every decision I have made, everything that I have done has been criticized and it stops today. Over the past month or so I have heard a few things from people that I am not necessarily close to about my life. People that are not in my daily life and in all honesty should not know any details of my life. Yet they do. Why my life is up for public discussion, criticism, or general observation I will never know. However I can control it and I will stop it. It stops today.
For the record- I am happy. I am moving forward in my life but also for the record I will never forget John nor will I ever live a day that he does not cross my mind. I know that some people think that because I am in a relationship that I will forget John, betray John, or try to convince myself that the person I am with is better than John. There is no comparison and there shouldn't be nor is forgetting John even an option.
Right now I am more hurt than words will ever begin to convey yet I am also incredibly happy. Cleo- the man in my life- is a huge part of that but there are also other factors. I am healthy, my job is stable and most days wonderful, and I do have other people in my life that are incredible and are so supportive that I can only be incredibly grateful. But to have people in my life that I can't trust or that I can't speak to for fear of them spreading the gossip or the details of my life has definitely hurt. But it is something I can control. Unfortunately it means losing some people in my life that I never wanted to lose- but if I can't trust in them then why are they there.
John chose not to introduce me or even talk about me to most people until he was sick- with one exception- because he trusted that person more than he will ever know and so do I- thank you to that one individual. However I now understand why he kept us "quiet"- the talking, the gossiping and the pain that it has brought me is unbelievable.
But I will not let it ruin what I do have in my life- instead I move forward. I move on and I move away. I have plenty of people in my life that support me 100% and do not feel like my life is of any interest to other people. They do not talk about me behind my back nor in front of my face. My life is my own. That is all I ever wanted. I wish you all the same level of happiness I have in my life and none of the hurt.
Kyle

ps.... i really did send this email.... which made me really happy

The story of john

Per request of Megan- and because I have never really told it... This is the story of John as I know it

John was 28 when I "met" him- we met on boston.com personals. He responded to my profile saying that he was intrigued because I said I liked the ballet. He had gone to WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute) and was a software engineer. I thought to myself hmmm smart, educated, and cultured- this I like.

We exchanged emails for about 3 months learning more and more about each other- he had an overbearing mother- I had a crazy background. He loved sushi, I loved Italian. He spent his time at Tae Kwon Do. I spent mine dancing. Finally... He asked me for my screen name. (and you thought he was going to ask me out...ha!)

For months and months after that we "talked" everyday online. It became 2003. We shared our stories of Christmas, debated political views, shared our major triumphs and milestones in life. He got a promotion. His mother lost her job and he was supporting her. His involvement in APO(Alpha Phi Omega- a service fraternity) was eating up all his time. He shared his travels, his stories, his everyday life with me. Yet he still hadn't asked me out.

Finally in May of 2003 almost a year after we met online we finally met. Dinner in the North End- a walk around the city. A good date. Followed by many more. Things finally started getting serious in October. We planned a vacation together. Started to plan life together.

In November my father became very ill- he had a brain tumor. Was given 24 hours to live. John was away that weekend with family. I realized then that I needed this man in my life more than I ever wanted to admit. We rushed my father to a better hospital in the city- he had surgery the next day. John called 15 times during his surgery and was going to come into the city to keep me company while I waited but he was having extreme back pain and could barely move. My father made it through. John and I had plans for the weekend- after we went to his friends turkey party we were back at my place and he asked me to marry him. No ring in hand- nothing really planned- but just blurted it out in typical John fashion. I said I thought that was the right thing but I wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that my father knew that I would be taken care of should anything happen.

A week and a half later my father was released from the rehab-I hadn't said anything about the proposal. That same day he was released-John was admitted to the hospital for his back pain. Two days later we found out it was cancer. The same night he asked me to marry him again. This time I said yes.

December 8th- his 30th birthday- we found out that it was stage 4 colon cancer- it had spread to his spine, his liver, and most concerning his lungs. He refused a prognosis. I found out. They didn't expect him to make it to the new year. We almost lost him two days before Christmas but somehow he pulled himself out of it. He was feeling better. They thought the chemo was working and released him from the hospital on new year's eve.

Martin Luther King weekend he proposed again- this time with a ring. We started planning for a November wedding. The weekend before thanksgiving because we were going to have so much to be thankful for. The day before valentine's day he had his scans scheduled- we were sure it was going to show things were going to be better. He was feeling better. Came home to wait for the results and had an incredible weekend. Tuesday we found out that not only was it not working but we were out of options. One to three months. He lived one. He died March 13, 2004

I had never loved anyone like that before. He changed my life in so many ways. I never will love like that again. But I would also never change anything. He was an incredible person and I will always be thankful to have had him in my life.

balancing act

is there really a better feeling in the world than to wake up in the arms of someone who wants you as part of their life?


now to make that feeling last until his 5 jobs allow him some time with me again.


and to not let the guilt take over



it's quite a balance but the rewards are so worth it

i am so incredibly happy

5 years later

On September 11, 2001 I went into work like any other day But it was a little different from the start. My roomate's grandmother had died over the previous weekend- she had to drive to New York on the 11th to be there for the funeral- my other roomate and I needed to order flowers to send. My brother was flying to L.A. that day- or so my father told me the night before. I was on the phone to the florist in New York when I heard my radio guy say "oh my god, this is real folks- 2nd plane just hit" I hung up on the florist and started to listen to the news. Luckily my roomate was ok- she was in Connecticut on the other side of the city- she couldn't get through but she was fine. My brother had missed his flight that morning- he forgot to turn on the alarm. Luckily- since he was originally on one of the flights that did crash from Boston.

I can't believe it was 5 years ago. How much so many things in life and in the world have changed. I did know someone that died that day- Capt. John Ogonowski from Dracut, Massachusetts. He was the father of one of the girls that I had taught at dance school. For all that he gave, for all that they all gave, and for all that they left behind... i do remember them.

5 and 10

4 things that are making me sad today....

1. The third memorial walk is only 2 weeks away- how is it 3 years that we have been doing this in his memory

2. yet another wedding to go to this weekend- and i still wish he was with me

3. I won't see C. for 2 weeks and that just makes me nervous - not sad- will it be the same when we see each other again- which i know it will be- but my nerves are taking over

4. John is not my first thought in the morning by a longshot- I never thought that would change so much


and.....

10 things that are making me happy today

1. it's been a really nice weekend- haven't had to do too much and have enjoyed my time

2. I saw C. yesterday and he really just does make me happy

3. We are halfway to our goal for the walk and the money doesn't have to be completely raised until January

4. I brought work home with me this weekend and have done none of it

5. it's Katie and Matt's wedding next weekend and that just makes me happy because it will be them and it will finally be upon us

6. I will be seeing a bunch of my friends in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see them

7. I got the nicest note from my father on saturday and am still happy about it

8. C. - pretty much everything about him- and yes i know i mentioned him before- he just makes me that happy

9. a 3 day work week!!

10. i originally labeled the first list 5 things i am sad about and there were really only 4

lesson learned: if your blessings and happiness are greater than the things that make you sad- life can't be bad at all

aargh

how come when all i want is to have a minute with my friend online he has to sic his girlfriend on me to talk to me..... i am not her friend.... i barely know her... she's nice enough... but i just want to talk to my friend.... so sick of that...and don't know what to do about it.... especially when she starts talking under his screen name and i don't know it's her..... it angers me so much

happier post tomorrow i promise..... just very ticked off right now

perspective

i am very bitchy tonight- but with reason- i had to listen to n and d both complain tonight that n had to pay $300 for a washer part. which under normal circumstances would be i guess a big deal for a twenty-something year old. but somehow either i have lost perspective or they have....

what i wouldn't pay to have my biggest problem be fixed with $300....

but this really isn't about me....

it's about the parents that i had to watch today say goodbye to their 3 year old- who died very suddenly in our clinic....

suddenly life has some perspective...

i just want to tell n and d to:
thank god it's fixable with just a little bit of money...
stop bitching about something so minor....
wake up and realize that they are lucky enough to have the money- that this family doesn't know how they will bury their child because they can't afford it

sometimes it all just makes me want to scream....

why me? (can you tell it's a pity party in here?!)

i am still in a good place- really i am. am happy and laughing more often than not. just have had time to think a little about my place in life and am facing a few things that i just don't like about myself

first and foremost i am jealous. jealous that all of my friends can believe that the worst won't happen in their lives. that they have faith in their relationships and in the reality that is being in your late 20's.

i am living my life waiting for the next bomb to drop- after all it has for the past-- oh i don't know 10 years- been my way of life. so as much happiness i feel right now i keep holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing.

between the abuse, the rape, finding out i probably can't have kids, being kicked out, having e. die, having my father sick, having john sick and then die, having to go through treatments myself -- i feel like when does it stop and why can't i just be "normal"

why can't i just trust that c. will be there, that he is here, that i really am healthy--- i just don't and then i get so angry that other people just assume that of course people will be there in life. that hasn't been my experience. mine is love em and then be ready for them to be gone. it all just sucks sometimes.

sorry i am such a jumble of thoughts--- it's been a rough week

i am sitting at work on the verge of tears-- that's never a good sign

some days i miss him so damn much it physically hurts.... today seems to be one of those days

could really use his sensibility right about now

the other woman

With advanced apologies to those with children....

I never realized how hard it was going to be to date a man with a child. There. I said it. I admit to the fact that it is extremely difficlut on both me and him. I know some of what is running through his head- but I view this as a chance to explain what is running through mine. To get it all out there and then hopefully feel a little release.

C. has a daughter who is 8. Just turned 8 not too long ago. She is her daddy's girl. The joy of his life. The reason he pushes himself so hard- to make sure she never wants for anything. I try to be very understanding of the fact that she will always come first in his life. But sometimes.... well sometimes I can't help but wish I did.

How wrong is it to be jealous of an 8 year old? Probably extremely bad of me but at this particular moment I really am. There is not a written custody agreement- c.and his ex have worked very hard at seeing what is best for M. and try to let C. spend as much time with her as possible. Lately that has meant 5 or so nights a week and most weekends. Which means that C. feels so pulled in too many directions. We are still in an early stage of relationship and to me that means we need to spend time together- for him it does too- but he can't find the time to do that.

but it really isn't just that-it isn't just that he spends tikme with M. it's that when he's not spending time with her he's trying to find ways to support her. And worries about her constantly and won't let me meet her yet because he feels it is too soon....

so with all of the juggling that has gone on the past few weeks i went into meltdown mode last night.... i had been away for the weekend visiting my friend d. and his girlfriend n. they asked me if we could get together in october for a double date in providence to go to a concert. I knew immediately that C. wouldn't be able to go- but asked anyway... and of course I was right. He can't-- it's a school night (he teaches) in providence, he will be not only teaching at a high school but also at 2 colleges in the fall, on top of his own business, on top of trying to be the best dad he can be. Just so hard to realize in 3 months he is not going to have any more time for me as he does right now. In fact he will have less.

I don't know if it's the fact that he has so many more responsibilities than me, the fact that it's so different of a life than what me and my friends lead- that we up and go at every opportunity that we can. That other relationships around me the only thing going on is their 40 hour a week job and their relationship and that's it and with C. it is so much more. Not all of it is M. There's a lot to work out--- but he is so worth it. People tell me that they can't believe how happy I am. I know I am. I know that he is the best thing that has happened in my life in a very long time. I know that I like his daughter already .I just need to feel like I am not always the one being juggled.....

chapter 2

For a long time now i feel like i have been starting on my chapter 2. The continuation of me. Tonight I feel like it has actually begun.

The prologue of my life can be summed up in one word- fear. Fear that the bedroom door would open and only hurt and pain would be on the other side. I was always afraid to close my eyes because I would know that he was coming to hurt me. Fear that I was never going to be enough for my parents. That I could never please them. That even straight A's, not getting into any trouble, having a strong faith, would never be enough. Fear of the unknown- of where I was going to run to, what I would become, who I would be. Fear of being me. Fear of not succeeding, of not pushing myself enough, of only having myself to rely on in my life. Fear of loving beacuse only hurt awaited me.

Chapter 1 was discovery. Opening my eyes to a new world full of surprises. That I was capable of not only being liked for who I was but loved for who I was. Discovering new talents- that dancing wasn't the only thing I was good at. Discovering what it is like to be independent and responsible for every aspect of life. Discovering a love that was so deep that sometimes the fear came rushing back but wanting to learn more pushed it aside. Discovering true friendships because I had let go of most of the fear. Discovering the person I knew I wanted to be with forever. Discovering that where I worked would turn into the place where I wanted to be as well as the place I wanted to run away from. Discovering that cancer not only happened to strangers in the elevator but also to the person that held my heart in his hand. Discovering that there will never be enough "I love you's" to sustain a lifetime. Discovering forgiveness for past hurts and mistakes. Discovering the worst words aren't that he has cancer but that there's nothing they can do. Discovering that love truly does endure all things. Discovering an inner strength that I had never believed in until I had to rely on it because my source of outer strength was gone. Discovering that loving and living don't have to end. That life is a gift that should not be taken for granted. Discovering not only did I want to open my heart again it was ready to be opened. Finding a new me. A stronger me. A more confident me but also a me that will never forget where it has been.

I think Chapter 2's theme might be Joy. Joy in living. Joy in uncovering true friendships. Joy in waking to a new day and accepting that it is a new day and not just a repeat of the pain of yesterday. Joy in opening myself up to the fear and unknown of the future without having to relive the fears of my past. Joy in memories. In being able to remember the happier moments more often than the nightmares. Joy in who I have become. In what I have accomplished. Of making it through the worst time in my life and actually making it. Joy in another's arms. Joy in a future that is still so up in the air but that makes me eager to wake up each day. Joy... in only what is just beginning.

what's in a name

a lot of people ask me about my name.... it's something i have grown into as i have gotten older but that was not always the case-- nor does it not come without some funny stories. c. reminded me of one of the funnier ones last night-- but maybe first i should explain where my name came from.

originally i was supposed to be sarah jane-- those people who know me personally know that i don't think i would ever really be considered a sarah. luckily my mother's good friend named her daughter sarah jane about 3 weeks before i was born-- so my parents could not use the name. unfortunately they were out of ideas and decided they should let their 4 year old son choose a name. he came up with brian william for a boy but they still couldn't figure out what to name a girl. then they went out for an infamous dinner one night. kevin (my brother) totally bonded with their waiter and decided that he didn't care if it was a boy's name- his little sister would be named kyle (side note-- if i was a boy i would still be named brian-- totally weird). my parents decided they would take a form of sarah for my middle name- so here i am kyle sarena m.

now having a boy's name in life is sometimes interesting and entertaining-- the invitations to join the seminary- the fact that i lived in hand me downs when i was really little and was bald till i was 3 and had a boys name also was fun at times. but i think the best incident happened a few years ago

it was while john was sick- he was finally home from the hospital and his catheter had been removed- we were thrilled. we had a shot of having a sex life. my prescription for the pill had lapsed while he was sick so i had called in to get it refilled. i walked down to the medical offices where the pharmacy was on my lunch break one day with my friend dana. we get up to the counter- i ask for my prescription- the girl types it into the computer- gives me a look- asks for my insurance card and license and then goes to speak to the pharmacist. he looks at me looks at the computer-- back at me-- meanwhile a long line had formed behind us full of very elderly people. they both come back out to us and the girl says to me, " how much do you normally pay for your prescription?" i told her $10 a month so $30 for the three months. she then says, "i am sorry to ask you this but have you had a sex change operation in the past month?!!" i was floored- i said no- do i look like i have-- and she said no- that is why there is confusion- the insurance company is refusing to pay for hormones because they think you are a guy and it is against policy for them to pay for any prescriptions leading up to or as follow up to a sex change surgery. i was completely mortified!!! they didn't give me the prescription that day- i had to go back and fight it out with insurance- and the elderly people in line behind us were seriously snickering or turning red. it was one of the funniest experiences but also one of the most embarassing moments of my life.

the lesson in this-- never let your 4 year old name your next child-- but if you do-- make sure that the younger child has a good sense of humor to get them through life

on the eve of 29

28 was a challenging year. full of so many ups and downs there are too many to count.

the unknown was so frightening when it came to my health but at the same time it gave me new strength- newfound faith in my firendships- and assurance in my will to live.

the struggles of grief have lessened- though at the same time when they hit they hit harder. i miss him and always will. but this year it's different. i don't know if i miss my love so much as i miss my best friend. this year brought the day i could no longer hear his voice in my head- but also brought the day that i could genuinely laugh and feel joy at many of my memories.

this newfound contentment in my life has been such a blessing- not only c. but the ease of living. of moving through each day and actually feel like i am living and not just going through the motions.

29 was the last year that john was "healthy" (i know now that wasn't truly the case but we didn't know that then) It was such a happy year- so much fun- so many nice times- the year we got engaged. Part of me feels so strange to be turning this corner. part of me knows that i will more than likely outlive him and it will happen sooner rather than later. i think that's what scares me most about 29. i don't like the feeling of catching up to him as it was never supposed to happen- but yet here it is.

for the first time in about 15 years i am actually excited about my birthday. i have a good day at work planned. i have a nice night with c. to look forward to. i am actually alive again and i can honestly feel the joy in my life.

what i have been up to

long time no posts....

life is good- hate to jinx that by saying it- but it's true.

the wedding was fun- i even think i might have looked nice- am waiting for pics to prove it- had a good time with dave- missed c. but understand since he had his daughter all weekend

work is driving me crazy.... commuting since the collapse of the big dig has beena nightmare- between 5-6 hours a day to go about 8 miles---- at the same time i keep trying to remind myself that a woman did lose her life- and i do feel terribly for her family

c. and i are good- actually we are great. saw him last friday- hoping to see him over the weekend at some point. people wonder how we are able to see so little of each other but are still happy but i think it is because i enjoy having my time to myself. i don't think i know how to function being around someone 24/7 and i also don't think it's that healthy. i have my life- he has his- we have ours- sooner or later i am sure all of it will comingle.

i need to get back on the weight loss wagon-- was doing so well but have kind of slid off course- need to get back on it.

sleep tends to come easier these days. i am not haunted by all of the imagery that was with me for so long. will never forget it but at least rest is coming easier. am looking forward to this weekend- no plans- i might even take a nap!

this week is going to be crazy busy- between work, the wedding next weekend, the bachelorette and rehearsal before that and just my normal craziness. so today i took a chance to look ahead and reflect on what is happening in my life and upon what is coming up in life.

cheryl and tony got engaged last year- they met about 3 months before me and john did. i have known cheryl for over 10 years now and i have never seen her happier than when she met tony. we have gone through a lot together. i don't think she was ever a big fan of john-we never really spoke about it- but at the same time seeing her reach this milestone makes me a little sad. i wonder if the feeling if that is what my life should have been like will ever go away....

at the same time my birthday is fast approaching. all i keep thinking are erin's words.... if you are going to meet anyone you need to make it happen this year. have i met him? possibly... it feels like i could have... at the same time it scares me to be another year older and still not sure of where my life is headed. and then i think about when john was 29 and how excited we both were that year... little did we know he would be gone 4 months after he turned 30..... how strange.... when you think about it all.... how weird can life truly be.

but as i head into my last year in my twenties i am happy--- not just becuase of c. but because of a multitude of things. i feel like i am truly living forward-enjoying my life and whatever it brings...

:)

Ok so this is going to be a little high school.... but.... he likes me!!

We went out tonight and hung out here afterwards (at home I mean) and we were talking and he told me he really likes me- and it scares him a great deal- but he likes me. He also said that when we were out tonight that he felt really good about us. That it felt "right". I make him happy.

Have to admit I like him too. He makes me happy and makes me laugh so much. And as my friend Cheryl said to me today- I light up like a christmas tree when I talk about him

:)

sometimes life just could not feel any better or at least i have now learned to cherish these moments as what they are-- moments-- pieces of time in life where it really is sweet.

meltdown

So this weekend my good friend D. and his girlfriend N. were visiting from CT. On Monday we had gone to a bbq-and then out for ice cream with a bunch of people. We went to Waltham to Lizzy's. While we were in there I realized I had been there before.... i had been there with John... it was actually our last date out... where i had tried to convince him to go see a dr. but he wouldn't listen to me. He didn't go for another 6 weeks (yes I saw him during that time- but we were mostly hanging out at home due to all of the pain he was in and not wanting to drive anywhere). I managed to hold it together on Monday until we got back to the house where the BBQ was at- I said that I would be in in a minute-- and then proceeded to completely lose it....

How could I have forgotten where our last date was? Why didn't I try harder that night- or just take him to the ER myself? Have I gotten too lost in my new relationship- am I trying to forget about John? Why didn't I remember? Why is he gone? Is it ok to feel that I am as happy or happier now than I was with him?

I am on an extreme guilt trip and somehow need to get off of this road.....

huh

it's amazing to me that i am acutally in a place where i can actually question the future... that marriage, kids, happiness, and fulfillment all seem reachable somehow.... who would have ever thought that when 2 years ago i just figured i had to give up on all of those dreams.

differences

so things with c. and i are really good. i am always afraid to get my hopes up but we both definitely feel something. which is great- don't get me wrong. i can't remember feeling this happy- at least i haven't been this happy in a very long time.

but tonight i need to focus on our differences. because there are many and because i just need to talk them out.

c. is black. i have never dated a black man. i wasn't really raised to be focused on things like race. i went to school in a very diverse city in high school. i had friends of all races. its never been a big deal in my life. however since i have started to date c. i have noticed how closed minded and hypocritical people are- people that include my own "friends". you would think every time that we go anywhere people have never seen a biracial couple. people do tend to stare and make comments- and it's not like i live in a rural area-- i live 10 minutes outside of boston. then the comments that my friends have made-- it scares me. i wasn't brought up like that, i have never lived my life like that- yet somehow i have people in my life who are incredibly closed minded- and that is now coming to the surface. at what point do i just cut them out- as i would never feel comfortable bringing c. around them. nor do i feel comfortable staying friends with them even if me and c. don't end up together.

for me personally the fact that c. is black doesn't really affect me. maybe it should... but the only way that it really has is that it has just opened my eyes to how far we still have to come as a society. i think i would like him even if he were green....

another difference between us is our age. there are 14 years between us. he is 42 and i am 28. yes this is a very large difference. it bothers him tremendously. i would be lying if i said it didn't affect me- however it will never affect me to the point where i would end it based solely on that. i definitely don't feel like a "normal" 28 year old. being a widow kind of always makes you feel a lot older than what you should. i have learned that age is never going to matter- when you are supposed to go - you're going to go. john was 30 years old and "perfectly healthy" and yet he still died. age is never going to stop my happiness. but then when we talk about the future- about what we both want- c. will have another kid- possibly 2- but was he planning on it-- no. he feels he is too old. he feels like he won't be able to make me happy- little does he know it doesn't take much- the only thing that i need is someone saying good morning to me. he says he is working on it in his own mind. i feel like this will be the thing that either makes us or breaks us.

he is also divorced and has a child. i have never been married and don't have any kids. i think for me this is the biggest difference in us. i think that i always thought that i would be first in a person's life until our child came along. instead m. (his daughter) comes first in c's life and always will. but at the same time i find that so admirable. he totally loves her and is incredibly close to her. she is his life- and honestly it shouldn't be any other way. just hoping that he continues to find space in his life for me.

there are of course other differences- but those are the major ones. but i feel like as long as we continue talking about where we both stand that it will all be ok. at least for now i am enjoying the moments and just trying to take it one day at a time

what if....

There was a question on the board today in one of the posts that has me thinking a lot....

Would he have been with me the way I am today? Or more importantly would I have been with him as I am today?

I have thought about this kind of frequently over the past I would say 6 months. I really don't think he would be with me as this person that I am today- and as much as I hate admitting to that- I still think it's almost a good thing.

When I first met John I had just turned 25.I was still very hung up on what had happened in my past and very insecure in myself. I never thought anyone was going to like me- that I didn't deserve to have anyone like me. Yet he appeared in my life- wanting to take care of me, protect me, and be my partner.

I am no longer that person that I was. I will admit to having strength now. I will admit that not everyone has had to "get over" the things that I have in my life. I am more outspoken. More confient and aware of myself. And more focused on enjoying each day and not as goal oriented as I once was.

I think he liked the fact that I was timid. That he was the outspoken one and I would hang back. That he could give me things in my life that I had never had- security, love, a family, a confidant.

But now I have had those things- and I am a better person for it. I don't need the security of another person, I have found it in myself. I have felt what true love is and don't need to find it again- if I happen upon it that's great- but I don't need it in order to survive. I have finally realized that my family are the friends that surround me in my life- for the good and the bad. He is still my confidant- but I am also more willing to confide in myself and face my own reality.

I really don't think that I would be the person that he was looking for as I am now. Nor do I really think that he would be the one for me either. But I guess that is what life is about- changing and growing and learning and struggling. Nothing stays stagnant in life- I am very glad that I haven't.

Does it mean that I don't love him anymore-- hell no. I will always love him. It just means that not only do I love him for being him- I love him for showing me the way to myself.

father's day

today is father's day. a day to honor our fathers- whther they are our birth fathers or those people in our lives that have filled that spot- giving guidance, encouragement, and whatever else we need.

i have a father. one who i do love very much. but also one who wasn't exactly the best dad a person could wish for. i had a very tumultuous upbringing. abusive, argument-ridden, and just plain nasty at times. i basically ran away to college- no longer wanting to be anywhere near my parents-who at the time were getting divorced- a very nasty divorce. i was no longer speaking to my father and hardly speaking to my mother. this was my life up until novemeber 9th 2003.

on that day the phone rang quite early in the morning. it was my brother. my father was in the hospital. he had a brain tumor. inoperable. they'd be there in an hour to take me to the hospital .the drs said he had less than 24 hours to live.

how do you stand at the bedside of a person who you should feel so much for in your life to say goodbye- when in your heart you're not that sad at all. there were many times of hurt and sadness in my life and that moment was just not one of them.

we managed to get him moved to a better hospital in boston the following day where one of the worlds leading menangioma surgeons operated on him. after a few more surgeries he is well today and happy.

our relationship is very weird to some people but works for us. the drs had told me that the tumor was so large that it had been growing for about 20 years- and during that time he probably wasn't really the person that he wanted to be. it altered his personality and his moods. i feel like over the past 3 years i have gotten to know the father that i missed out on growing up. no i have not forgotten what happened in my past- but i forgive him and we are fairly close. i don't see him often- maybe once or twice a year- but we talk every week and he has become a great strength in my life. so today he is one of many people who i honor

i also honor john's dad- who was truly a wonderful father to his son- and is a great father figure to me. i can't imagine the pain in losing a child. he has lost both of his. yet he has taken me under his wing as his own. the support he has given me in all kinds of circumstances amazes me every time i think about it. this man that has lost so much never really dwells on what he has lost but on how to contribute to the lives of his "kids". both me and his 3 stepsons.

i also honor the man i am dating-c. he is honestly one of the best fathers i have ever encountered. he spends as much time as possible with his daughter. he puts her first- loves her with everything he has and truly treasures his time with her. it's such a great thing for me to see. and i truly honor the commitment that has has made to her.

so on this day where we are to honor our fathers i honor all the ones that have touched my life. i also mourn the one that i wished had a chance to become the wonderful father i knew he could be. i also honor all of those that are serving dual roles in their kids lives right now. every day they amaze me and their kids are so lucky to have them.

what's mine is never truly just mine

ever since john died i feel like my life has been on public display. every move... every decision... every breath that i take feels like it is public knowledge. as many times as i have requested that i not be a topic of discussion among our friends i find out that i am.

today was the latest time that i have found out anything and it is still upsetting me. a few of my friends know about c. he has only met r. he has not met any of the friends that were john's and are now mine... but some of them do know about him. today i find out that k. and m. have been discussing the fact that they don't think he is the right person for me with our other friends.

there are so many things that are so wrong about this and upset me so much. first of all it's none of their business. this is my life and these are my choices and being with c. has been such a wonderful experience so far. they try to pass it off as concern- they don't want me to be hurt.... they don't want me to put myself out there so much...blah...blah... blah.... I think that what it truly boils down to is that they think that he isn't right for me because there are a lot of differences between us. he's black, divorced, 42, and has a child. I know that there has been discussion about all of this and it drives me fricking crazy. He's a terrific guy, who actually cares about me, understands about john, is a fabulous father, and just an all around decent person who makes me happy. but none of that counts for anything.

i want my life back. the one where i was able to be in a relationship and people didn't talk about it. the one where i wasn't worried every 3 seconds that people were talking or that i was the topic of the day. yes john died. yes it sucks- more than they will ever know. yes i have made mistakes since he died. but no i am not going to go jump off a bridge, run off to vegas and get married, or decide to adopt 14 children from china. so give me my freaking life back and leave me the hell alone!!!

update on all things me

so just a little update--

budget season is over! :) big YAY!!!! i hate working 22 hour days!!

c and i are doing very well-- a still hesitant and still afraid of getting hurt- but am putting myself out there more and more-- and he doesn't seem to be getting too scared or running away... :)

all the wedding stuff for the various people over the summer seems to be shaping up-- though anyone have any good ideas for a sober bachelorette party in boston-- yes somehow i have a very good friend who hates to drink--- not that i like it that much myself-- but she won't touch a drop of the stuff

anal retentive boy (arb) still is not done unpacking his crap and my apartment still looks like a cyclone has gone through it -- and it is driving me up a wall. even c. thinks that i am rightfully upset and considering his patience tolerance is a lot higher than mine..... well it's saying something.

all in all--- still happy--- still calm-- still content (thanks pentha for adding that word into my vocabulary!) . I feel like i really have turned a corner-that everything really and truly is going to be ok

a weekend in maine

i was talking on the phone yesterday to k. A very good widow friend who i love dearly and miss very much since she lives in illinois. She pointed out that it was just a little over a year ago that we finally met in maine at the bago. when anyone on this journey points out a timeline it gives you a chance to reflect on that and how much you have grown and changed in a year or a month or whatever that time may be... and yesterday i was given that opportunity.

i remember heading up to maine with k. who had flown into boston the night before- full of trepidation. was i crazy? going away for a weekend with a bunch of people i had never met. i was only 27 -what was i doing going on a widow's weekend? turns out that weekend was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. it was a real turning point in my grief journey and for that i will always be grateful.

over the course of the first night k. and i met up with s. and l. the four of us were together most of the day saturday. these 3 women who made me laugh and made me cry- got me to open up more than i had in the past year. k.and s. were less than a year out- me and l. just past a year. the wisdom that they had and the trials that we had all faced were amazing to me. there were so many similarities.

then of course there was sunday- the flower launch into the ocean. john had never wanted to be buried- he had wanted to be cremated and his ashes he wanted to be spread off the coast of castine in maine-- not that far from where we stood. but his mother had forced a traditional catholic burial. something that did not sit well with me. on that sunday i finally felt like john was in the place where he wanted to be. when i dropped that flower into the ocean and it didn't come back like the rest of them on the waves i knew there was a reason. in that i found great peace.

a year later i thought about the 4 of us now. l. is married and has moved close to k. she is happy and that truly is all that matters. s. is also on her way to the altar. she is a woman of great strength that i admire so much. and k.- k. my wonderful friend. my touchstone in this journey. i am so proud of her. she is utterly happy with t. they are now living together and she has done so much for herself and for the community.

as for me, i am also moving along. i have done things in the past year that i never thought myself capable of. i bought a car by myself, i've said goodbye to a few friendships that were never healthy, i've opened myself up to living again. and also to loving again. i am happy. i live every day in amazement of the things that have happened in my life and am so grateful for this journey... for in this journey i have had to lose the person i loved , i also have gained the first person that i should have loved in this life. i have learned to love myself.

i will never be the person that i was before. but now i don't really think of that as a bad thing- i now will admit to having strength, to being stubborn, to being spiritual, to being able to be hurt in a much deeper way. the walls that i had built up around myself have proven to be penetrable. i am a softer and more caring person and i have learned that not only is that not a bad thing but in admitting to what i would have viewed before as weaknesses are really great strengths.

who would have ever thought that a bunch of widows on a weekend getaway in maine would have changed my life so much. but they did and still continue to do that every day.

rain, rain go away

so we are yet again in the middle of a rainy day here in boston....
it's really beginning to be tiring... day in, day out... no sun

i never noticed how much the weather affected my mood till after john died... then i noticed big time

the rain brings on the tears and the gray matches my mood... at least most of the time.. and then the sun comes and with the sun new hope that things will be alright.

needless to say almost a month straight of all rain has not been a great thing

at the same time i am noticing now that i find the sun even when there is none

i had posted yesterday about c. and i but have deleted it.... sometimes you just have to put things in writing to feel better... i did that.. and now i do. things are still great with him and me and i am sure that we will continue to get to know each other...

it's important in the rain and the fog to create your own sun and see your own rainbows. i see mine...

i am not saying c. is the only reason that i am happy lately-- there are actually plenty of reasons... but having a man call you beautiful even on the darkest of days definitely can add to that...

now if only the real sun could come out and shine down... i think it would make a world of difference around here

losing him

"you let him go when he died-- what's left to let go of??" this statement was said to me at work today- in the middle of a meltdown no less. but it got me to thinking- what really is there left to let go of that has me so scared to lose.

not him- not his eyes- his smile- his weird facial gestures. not his muscular legs- the goatee that we both loved. not his lips- or his nose. those have been gone for a long time. he has been gone for a long time. then what is it?

not our future together--- the beautiful wedding we were to have-- the children we looked forward to- the house we had just started hunting for. those dreams were never to happen....i had to let go of them the moment he died

not the memory of our first meeting, our first date, our fist kiss, our first...., his proposal.... sometimes i try so hard to let those memories go but they will always remain with me

his sickness, the hospital, the treatments, the prognosis, his last week alive... these will always haunt me- the nightmare that will never leave my life

maybe i shouldn't be scared at all of losing him- even if i try i will never let him go.

weddings....

i am oddly looking forward to this weekend. i don't usually look forward to wedding activity type stuff now. it usually makes me sad. but seeing as this is katie and matt- who i love dearly and who mean so much to me i couldn't be happier to go to katie's shower. should be a fun weekend.

this is the summer of weddings for me- i think i have four between july and october- and am in one of them. a sign that we are all getting older and really and truly starting our lives.

i was the first of our friends to get engaged. makes me think of what we had planned for our wedding. i didn't want a shower-i think that they are the most boring thing on the face of the earth. there's only so many times you can get excited about a cookie sheet. (my attitude might be different if i spent any time at all in the kitchen!) we were going to be married in a little church by the water in salisbury. then have the reception on the water in hampton. of course us being us it was to be in november-- probably one of the coldest and dreariest times you could be at the beach. but we wanted to be married around thanksgiving becasue we felt we had so much to be grateful for- and by the water as it was where we both found peace and true meaning. it was going to be very large- much larger than either of us truly wanted but we just kept watching the guest list grow and grow out of control. john had so many friends and relatives in his life- his side alone was wavering around the 240 mark.

it's funny now because i know i would not want any of that if i were to be married. i want simple. a few people on a beach or in a church or something. maybe a nice dinner afterward. i think so many people focus on the wedding and not on the marriage. the marriage is what lasts forever. the wedding is over in a few hours.

no matter how i think though i am excited for katie and matt, and cheryl and tony, and cindy and steve, and laura and james. they all are great couples and i am sure will be very happy.

now off to my girls weekend :)

the top ten things that i am enjoying about my life right now:

1. I am happy. Like really happy- not the fake happy that i have been existing in for such a long time now

2. It's been a gorgeous week of weather and even though I have a sunburn -- it feels good

3. am loving my new room. It feels so beachy-- all done in blue and white- but I absolutely love it- and enjoy spending as much time as i am able to in it relaxing

4. even though it's the busiest time of the year at work- i am having a great time. we laugh so much every day and the friends that i have there are amazing

5. the little flutter i get every time i see c's name on my caller id

6. my friends- they are amazing people. nothing more to be said

7. i am healthy!!! been way too long since i have been able to say that- but i really am and it feels so good

8. although it's been a hard road i am so proud of myself and all that i have done and accomplished- and to admit to that pride makes me happy- shows truly how far i have come

9. i have a busy life- and that keeps me going and keeps me happy- am truly looking forward to the summer of weddings

10. i am happy- nothing more to be said

a lot can happen in one night....

so a few months ago a friend of mine mentioned that she had been going to these singles danced referred to as large people's singles dances. now i do consider myself large as i am large by "norms" of society

r. and i decided to give it a go this week. it was supposed to be a large crowd due to the holiday weekend. there were activities all three days.... sounded like it could be fun. so all week it was like this weird buildup-- what will we wear... will we fit in... will it be fun...

we got to the hotel ballroom and were kinda disapointed- the music was not so great there weren't a lot of people... we decided to stick it out awhile and see what happened. good thing we did- we both ended up having an awesome time. we danced with no inhibitions--- no one was looking at the fat girl on the floor- we were small by comparison- but it didn't matter- we were just comfortable. then we met a few guys.

i met c. no matter where this goes- i will forever be grateful to him for this night. we talked for hours upon hours. i shared stuff with him that i am usually so closed off about. he is an incredibly caring man. someone i would not normally have jumped at but am so glad i have had the opportunity of meeting. he understood about john to the point that he held me as i cried a little later in the night and gave me the words that i have been looking for. he touched my heart and he said, "john will always be in your heart- he will always be here. anyone who does not accept that and does not understand that will never understand you. he will always be your first love-just make sure you make room in there for the person he sends you next." he actually gets it. i still am very cautious- there are a lot of differences between us. at the same time- i want to see if the future holds anything for us. we both kind of think it could - still have a lot of talking and getting to know each other to do-but he makes me smile, and he makes me laugh-- he can't be all bad at all. for the first time in a really long time i am going to sleep happy. tomorrow is the start of a new day- and you never know what it could hold.

the walk

the time has come to start getting serious about the walk. every year i organize a team to walk in john's memory for the jimmy fund. we walk the boston marathon route and have a great time. this year all the money that we as a team will raise will hopefully go towards the pediatric patient assistance fund. it's hard to come up to the minimum needed to redirect but hopefully we will be able to do it.

the first year the walk was on the 6th month mark. it was a very hard day for me. john's father and stepmother and stepbrother came to town to do the walk and to meet baby henry. the anxiety of seeing them carried me through the first 13 miles but then it all hit me. why were we walking in john's memory... why the hell wasn't he here doing this with us. the year before he had wanted to do the walk with me but had a family commitment. the year before that he was as upset as i was that i was too sick to walk.

after wellesley that year i started to fall apart. couldn't turn my mind off- couldn't focus and just really struggled. my roomate was on the route with m e that year and knew that i couldn't finish it was just too hard emotionally for me. she called her boyfriend and he came and picked us up and i went home and crashed. met up with everyone at the finish line and put on a brave face but inside my heart was broken.

last year was a much better expperience. walked the route partially by myself and then with dave and jeff. we shared memories of john and stories of him and just talked about life. it went by in a blur but i felt stronger than i had in a really long time.

this year i am looking for that strength. it's been a very trying time to have to turn into a patient at the farber myself and also have two close friends battling cancer as well. i know that it will be a good time again as we cross that finish line. this year somehow it just feels different. by that point i should be in the all clear as will e. and c. so much to be grateful for. so much still missing. but the journey continues onward until i reach my own finish line. i know john would be proud of what we are doing and what we have accomplished. so far about $50,000 towards a great cause-- hopefully another $10,000 this year. he made a difference in my life and this is my way of making a difference.

how life is

do you ever say to yourself that you are supposed to be doing this or doing that. your life is supposed to be a certain way and your goals are clearly defined. i used to be that way. i had every goal laid out-- married at 27- hopefully a child by 30. house, car, job, husband. everything was set. and then life changed. i have finally come to accept that this- this moment- this time- this person is exactly who i am supposed to be and how my life is supposed to be. yes i am sure there will be changes and yes there are always going to be ups and downs- there always have been and none of that has changed- but this person- this me is exactly who i am supposed to be. what an amazing concept.

fair relationship friends

there's a saying - you're only a fair weather friend. i have seen this plenty in my life- especially when john was sick and after he died. other people couldn't handle it.

but that's not really what i want to talk about. there are a bunch of people who i greatly treasure in my life who are a different type of fair weather friend. a fair relationship friend. maybe it's because i am not in a relationship- but i don't think it's really that. i am very tired of being someone's friend until the weekends or until their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend has time for them. then it's like i never existed. no phone calls, no conversations, no anything.

i get wanting to spend time with your significant other.i really do. but even when i am in a relationship it doesn't mean that my friends don't have a place in my life. just wondering what the point is anyway.

the difference

technically i am not a widow- i was only engaged to john. we never got legally married. we were married in our religion but that's it. i don't know that it's any harder or easier than being a technical widow but it definitely is different.

this was made very clear to me in my adventures in online dating. they ask you in the questionarries about your "status". i always feel like i am hiding something when i click single-but we were never married technically so then i feel weird clicking widowed. i wish there was an other box. i feel like i fit into the "other" category.

of course this isn't the only time when the difference is obvious... however it is usually the only time that i feel like i am witholding something.

and when i think about it i do regret not legally marrying john. everything was so complicated at the time. i had my father sick as well as john and was financially responsible for a portion of his care. i didn't know if i could make the life support decisions so that me and john's mother wouldn't have ended up in court. there were other reasons as well but those were the 2 huge ones.

now a little more than two years later i think i would have still made the same decision-even though i do regret it. knowing that we would have never had the life that either one of us wanted with each other would still stop me every time.

there are lots of differences between being widowed and being single. in the end though a lot of the hurt and a lot of the emotions are the same. there's someone missing. there's a new you to discover. and there are memories that you will never be made. too bad there's not just a box for broken hearted. i bet that one would fit both categories.

my john

someone asked me today why i don't have any pictures of john around. i figured i would post one here.... this is us the day that i met his father for the first time and the day that he asked my father's permission to ask me to marry him.... even though he had already asked me. i tend to overlook the hospital gown and all the machines and the ever present oxygen tubing and just focus on how happy we were. it always used to make me cry to look at it and now it only makes me smile and have a lot of happy memories

dance like no one is watching

dancing has always been part of my life...or at least as long as i can remember. almost for 26 years. now i only tap dance and i know to most people that sounds funny. what grown adult takes tap classes? but for me it is my weekly release and my way to come home to myself. it's where i am most comfortable and where i will admit to being good at something. and i am good at it.

since i started dancing in boston i have gotten to know a bunch of wonderful people. i treasure them greatly. but it struck me the other day how absolutely unlucky we have been. i think i have been dancing in this place for about 5 years now and i got to know these women fairly quickly. over the past two and a half years- i lost john, e. was diagnosed with cancer, c.'s house burnt down the same week john died, l.'s niece died ,and m has gone through various relationships. through all of this though we keep tapping. once a week we get together with whoever else is in the class and use the excuse of dancing to see each other. we all enjoy dancing but for us it is so much more.

but maybe that is why i keep dancing- because it has always been so much more. even when i was younger my dance classes were the time i got to show off for my parents and have them to myself. or the drives to and from dance classes when i was a little older were when my brother explained the world to me and i got to spend time with him before he went to college. in high school it was my escape- by that point i danced or taught 5 days a week and then there were competitions and performances and rehearsals. it kept me out of the house that i was miserable in and away from my parents who were always fighting. i even kept dancing when john was sick as much as i could. it was my chance to be normal and feel like myself even though my world was spinning out of control. and then when he died i went back to dancing right away because i knew that going back to the studio would allow me to be me. that i could fall apart around my friends there and everything would be ok or if i felt like dancing i would. and dance i did.

now when i dance i have more fun- i even look at myself in the mirror which i never used to do. we have a performance coming up and i might even invite some friends. i never dance in front of people anymore since now i dance for me- for the sheer love of it and for the enjoyment it gives me. but part of me wants to share this me with people. for me the studio is my home and dancing is my first great love. it has helped me through all kinds of things and brought me so much happiness. i hope that this love lasts a lifetime

28 things

i read another blog today that had done this so i thought i would give it a shot-- 20 things about me that you might not know and that i have discovered

1. i used to be afraid of dogs--- samantha changed it
2. i miss my mom
3. i love being cold at night so that i can curl all the blankets around myself
4. i have only been in love once
5. i have been proposed to 4 times- by 3 different men--said yes to 2- and married none
6. i wanted to be a car designer when i grew up -in third grade-- a teacher in high school- entered college as a chemistry major- and now am an accountant
7. i never had a lot of friends until i was an adult
8. i have watched all of the seasons of sex and the city at least 6 times
9. the number 9 will always have special meaning to me
10. i took off my engagement ring about 6 months ago and haven't looked at it since
11. but i still miss john more than ever and think about him at least once every hour
12. i am terrified of thunderstorms
13. i think i want a baby more than i want a husband-- though hoping meeting the right person will one day change that
14. i don't know if i would meet john and have him in my life as i am now
15. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing
16. i cry in every meeting with my boss
17. i don't think that's a good thing at all
18. i am scared of being alone when i am 30
19. even though people think that they know a ton about me i still keep a lot to myself
20. i wish that i had married john when i had the chance
21. i regret leaving him alone to die
22. i still want to be a dance teacher
23. i like my work colleagues a lot more than i admit to
24. i still want to leave boston
25. i don't know where i want to move to but have applied to jobs all over the country
26. i have an addiction to chick flicks
27. and to teeny bopper movies
28. i'm sleepy and should go to bed

a good day.... do i dare ask for 2 in a row. made the decision not to see E. anymore. it's not a healthy relationship and it's not good for me. i deserve to be happy and at this time in my life i can afford to be selfish. this is one of the only times where i would ever say that. yes it's lonely to be single and of course i wish i wasn't but i would rather be lonely than be making the biggest mistake of my life. so once again the search is on--- or maybe the hoping that the second mr. right will find me.
work was ok today too. didn't really accomplish much but that's ok some days. of course it means i will have to work at home tonight but i really don't care too much
for the first time in a long time i can exhale....

happy or not

there is so much going through my head the past few days- i just want to try to get it out so that i can move forward.

i want to be happy- yet i am not. I am not sad- not miserable- not depressed- not anything really- just unhappy. i know that only i can change that and i feel like i keep working on that but i always just feel unhappy. so what do i do to make it so that i am not? do i change jobs? move? come to the conclusion that i will never be happy without him in my life? settle for the guy i am seeing and convince myself he could make me happy even though i know he doesn't? do i keep staying friends with the people i have in my life even though a lot of them only make me feel worse about myself or i don't trust in their friendship?

it's hard to not be happy in life when at one point in time you couldn't imagine being anything but happy in it- it's like a huge letdown not only in yourself but in life. i wish there was just some magic button to flip and everything would go back to normal or at least to a resemblance of that- where i could just be happy again. maybe i'll figure it out soon--- i really hope so-- it would be nice and i would be so grateful.

the person i miss most

i was on the phone with katie b. today and she could tell i was upset. after she asked who i was upset with i said to her no one she knew..... and that is true. because the truth is i am upset with myself- the real me- the me that i was. but no one in my life now knows that person. they only know this person. this me that cries at the drop of a hat- is never truly happy- always feels empty. i miss the old me and am so upset that i can't still be that person. the one that could laugh about anything and make light of any situation. the person that john fell in love with. carefree no- but happy yes. how do i get that person back? how do i not be upset that i am so changed in my life that even when other people perceive me to be happy i am still never truly happy. i miss me.

the hole- and how to crawl out

ever get the feeling that you know you just want to give up-- that all this effort of trying to live - and live past this and through this has just gotten to be too much and all you want to do is crawl in a hole and hide until it all just disappears. that is where i am today. the pressure is so great some days to just be normal- to be 28 and carefree and happy. in reality i am 28 have a million worries and am a freak because i am a widow. well techinically i am not even that-- i am just a person with a broken heart. so today i have crawled into that bubble- i took the day off and haven't gotten out of bed all day. i can't really eplain what's wrong except to say that i miss him- us- the team that we were and could have been. i can't hear his voice anymore, the memories that i have are vivid but distant at the same time. half the time i almost feel like the 2 years that i knew him were just a dream- that they didn't really happen. maybe that's what i wish for. would it be so horrible to wish he wasn't a part of my life- i kind of feel like if he hadn't met me he'd still be here. i brought him his bad luck. somehow i blame myself. and i know that not right or anything scientific but it helps a little to feel blame. otherwise what the hell happened to such a vibrant, young and healthy man.

Great Big Sea of memories

so this weekend was the long awaited great big sea concert. dave, tim, joni, mike, and myself. Great concert- absolutely fabulous. But there should have been 6 people there not just the 5 of us. And then there comes the thought that there has to come a point that life is lived without feeling that someone's missing. Otherwise it's not living. But for the moment i guess it's ok to miss him. and i do. more so than i have in a really long time. I know that part of it is that GBS meant so much to him. i feel so lucky that i got to learn about them through him. they will always be a huge part of my life and my memories of him.
He taught me to live in the sea of no cares. to not worry about what other people thought of him but what we thought of our relationship. that song will always make me cry i think because it was us for so long. the memories that i have of him are constant but the memories of gbs in his life and as a part of us are so incredibly special to me.
hopefully one day i will share gbs with someone who will mean as much to me as he did and does. maybe then i won't feel like someone's missing and instead that someone's watching and beating his drum

to leave or stay??

Working at the Farber is sometimes the best experience in the world and at others it's the worst. I am sure that's how most people feel about their jobs but I feel like it's a little different in my situation.
I had worked at the farber for 2 and a half years before John was diagnosed. I liked my job, I liked the people that I worked with, I thought that I was contributing to the common good and mission of the place.
It's amazing how much your outlook can change. Two and a half years later I love the people I work with, I still enjoy my job, but I have absolutely no faith in the mission. If you stop believing in a place, and its mission, and its people's abilities to do what they claim to be best in the world at then what is left?
Yesterday I was in the elevator and there was an elderly couple in there with me. They had obviously just found out some bad n ews- he was terminal and I know that look of just finding out. Shock and complete bewilderment. The wife said-"I can't believe we only got to have 30 years together." All I could think to myself what do you mean only--- you got 29 years more than I got!! You have no freaking right to complain!!!!
Should this signal the end of my career at the farber??? Have I lost that complete touch with reality and with sympathy and compassion that is needed to work there?

who said life isn't a roller coaster

been a while since i posted and feel the need to write some stuff down. Have had a very weird time lately but hopefully things are starting to look up. went through a very grueling 2 weeks medically. i never want to do that again. unfortunately the testing hasn't stopped but no longer is leukemia the question- now just could be a blood disorder, something else, or nothing at all. which is good- i will take it. the other good news is that i have met someone- E. I don't know where it is going but i am definitely enjoying the ride so far. it's good to know i am capable of certain things again and has given me assurance that a future is out there somewhere and i just need to sit back an enjoy the ride. now to go through the next series of tests starting tomorrow. at least one more tap which sucks and a blood series- but i can do this, i know i can. and that in and of itself is something i am very proud of.

hmmm

What a week! But I have survived. Now to just wait for the results. But I made it. I guess I ave figured out a way to make it through anything. Just tired of it all. It was 22 months yesterday, creeping up on the 2 year mark. It is 2 years ago today that we got engaged. I never felt like I got to be that happy, excited, planning a wedding type that I always imagined. It was not a time of happiness. It was more a time of uncertainty. Maybe one day I will be that happy go lucky bride to be- although now I doubt that since I really don't think I am going to meet anyone and I also think that chance has come and gone.

destressing

well this diet thing is going good today. have worked out three days in a row-- aiming for danicng tomorrow so that will be 4. it's good to have all of this support to len back on when i feel the need to. although i find bob the trainer cute and everything i also feel the need to kick his ass when the high kicks come into play. hmmm--- maybe should work on that temptation or else i could end up with a busted television. at least working out calmed me down about the rest of the stress going on. moving moving moving. where to???? i have no freaking clue. hopefully i will straighten all of that jumbled mess out within the month

dreams

an undeniable sadness has washed over me. there are really no words to describe how sad a new year has made me. it feels impossible that it's the second year john will not have taken a breath in. yet i still feel him every day. some days i hate that. most though i cherish it. it's what keeps me going. but i still wonder why and why him. it will never make any sense to me. i'm very proud of myself for making it this far and for making the choices and decisions i have.... at the same time so incredibly sad that those decisions have had to be made. 2006- he wanted to go to the olympics in italy this year. he had so many plans for his life that never came to being. so many that few people knew about. i don't know if it is better to have known or not. some days i wish i didn't know what his dreams were- then i wouldn't feel the pain of not having them come true. at the same time i have taken on some of his own dreams to be my own and for that i am grateful. just wish he was here to achieve them himself.