differences

so things with c. and i are really good. i am always afraid to get my hopes up but we both definitely feel something. which is great- don't get me wrong. i can't remember feeling this happy- at least i haven't been this happy in a very long time.

but tonight i need to focus on our differences. because there are many and because i just need to talk them out.

c. is black. i have never dated a black man. i wasn't really raised to be focused on things like race. i went to school in a very diverse city in high school. i had friends of all races. its never been a big deal in my life. however since i have started to date c. i have noticed how closed minded and hypocritical people are- people that include my own "friends". you would think every time that we go anywhere people have never seen a biracial couple. people do tend to stare and make comments- and it's not like i live in a rural area-- i live 10 minutes outside of boston. then the comments that my friends have made-- it scares me. i wasn't brought up like that, i have never lived my life like that- yet somehow i have people in my life who are incredibly closed minded- and that is now coming to the surface. at what point do i just cut them out- as i would never feel comfortable bringing c. around them. nor do i feel comfortable staying friends with them even if me and c. don't end up together.

for me personally the fact that c. is black doesn't really affect me. maybe it should... but the only way that it really has is that it has just opened my eyes to how far we still have to come as a society. i think i would like him even if he were green....

another difference between us is our age. there are 14 years between us. he is 42 and i am 28. yes this is a very large difference. it bothers him tremendously. i would be lying if i said it didn't affect me- however it will never affect me to the point where i would end it based solely on that. i definitely don't feel like a "normal" 28 year old. being a widow kind of always makes you feel a lot older than what you should. i have learned that age is never going to matter- when you are supposed to go - you're going to go. john was 30 years old and "perfectly healthy" and yet he still died. age is never going to stop my happiness. but then when we talk about the future- about what we both want- c. will have another kid- possibly 2- but was he planning on it-- no. he feels he is too old. he feels like he won't be able to make me happy- little does he know it doesn't take much- the only thing that i need is someone saying good morning to me. he says he is working on it in his own mind. i feel like this will be the thing that either makes us or breaks us.

he is also divorced and has a child. i have never been married and don't have any kids. i think for me this is the biggest difference in us. i think that i always thought that i would be first in a person's life until our child came along. instead m. (his daughter) comes first in c's life and always will. but at the same time i find that so admirable. he totally loves her and is incredibly close to her. she is his life- and honestly it shouldn't be any other way. just hoping that he continues to find space in his life for me.

there are of course other differences- but those are the major ones. but i feel like as long as we continue talking about where we both stand that it will all be ok. at least for now i am enjoying the moments and just trying to take it one day at a time