a weekend in maine

i was talking on the phone yesterday to k. A very good widow friend who i love dearly and miss very much since she lives in illinois. She pointed out that it was just a little over a year ago that we finally met in maine at the bago. when anyone on this journey points out a timeline it gives you a chance to reflect on that and how much you have grown and changed in a year or a month or whatever that time may be... and yesterday i was given that opportunity.

i remember heading up to maine with k. who had flown into boston the night before- full of trepidation. was i crazy? going away for a weekend with a bunch of people i had never met. i was only 27 -what was i doing going on a widow's weekend? turns out that weekend was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. it was a real turning point in my grief journey and for that i will always be grateful.

over the course of the first night k. and i met up with s. and l. the four of us were together most of the day saturday. these 3 women who made me laugh and made me cry- got me to open up more than i had in the past year. k.and s. were less than a year out- me and l. just past a year. the wisdom that they had and the trials that we had all faced were amazing to me. there were so many similarities.

then of course there was sunday- the flower launch into the ocean. john had never wanted to be buried- he had wanted to be cremated and his ashes he wanted to be spread off the coast of castine in maine-- not that far from where we stood. but his mother had forced a traditional catholic burial. something that did not sit well with me. on that sunday i finally felt like john was in the place where he wanted to be. when i dropped that flower into the ocean and it didn't come back like the rest of them on the waves i knew there was a reason. in that i found great peace.

a year later i thought about the 4 of us now. l. is married and has moved close to k. she is happy and that truly is all that matters. s. is also on her way to the altar. she is a woman of great strength that i admire so much. and k.- k. my wonderful friend. my touchstone in this journey. i am so proud of her. she is utterly happy with t. they are now living together and she has done so much for herself and for the community.

as for me, i am also moving along. i have done things in the past year that i never thought myself capable of. i bought a car by myself, i've said goodbye to a few friendships that were never healthy, i've opened myself up to living again. and also to loving again. i am happy. i live every day in amazement of the things that have happened in my life and am so grateful for this journey... for in this journey i have had to lose the person i loved , i also have gained the first person that i should have loved in this life. i have learned to love myself.

i will never be the person that i was before. but now i don't really think of that as a bad thing- i now will admit to having strength, to being stubborn, to being spiritual, to being able to be hurt in a much deeper way. the walls that i had built up around myself have proven to be penetrable. i am a softer and more caring person and i have learned that not only is that not a bad thing but in admitting to what i would have viewed before as weaknesses are really great strengths.

who would have ever thought that a bunch of widows on a weekend getaway in maine would have changed my life so much. but they did and still continue to do that every day.