Would he have been with me the way I am today? Or more importantly would I have been with him as I am today?
I have thought about this kind of frequently over the past I would say 6 months. I really don't think he would be with me as this person that I am today- and as much as I hate admitting to that- I still think it's almost a good thing.
When I first met John I had just turned 25.I was still very hung up on what had happened in my past and very insecure in myself. I never thought anyone was going to like me- that I didn't deserve to have anyone like me. Yet he appeared in my life- wanting to take care of me, protect me, and be my partner.
I am no longer that person that I was. I will admit to having strength now. I will admit that not everyone has had to "get over" the things that I have in my life. I am more outspoken. More confient and aware of myself. And more focused on enjoying each day and not as goal oriented as I once was.
I think he liked the fact that I was timid. That he was the outspoken one and I would hang back. That he could give me things in my life that I had never had- security, love, a family, a confidant.
But now I have had those things- and I am a better person for it. I don't need the security of another person, I have found it in myself. I have felt what true love is and don't need to find it again- if I happen upon it that's great- but I don't need it in order to survive. I have finally realized that my family are the friends that surround me in my life- for the good and the bad. He is still my confidant- but I am also more willing to confide in myself and face my own reality.
I really don't think that I would be the person that he was looking for as I am now. Nor do I really think that he would be the one for me either. But I guess that is what life is about- changing and growing and learning and struggling. Nothing stays stagnant in life- I am very glad that I haven't.
Does it mean that I don't love him anymore-- hell no. I will always love him. It just means that not only do I love him for being him- I love him for showing me the way to myself.
1 comment:
That question comes up on the board periodically. (I missed this last one you quoted.) Invariably, the newly widowed respond with a resounding YES, while those further along are more hesitant, and some outright say NO.
I've thought about it a lot; I am no longer the woman I was when Nick died 2 yrs ago, let alone the woman I was when we married 14 yrs ago. While we would still be strongly attracted to each other (and I don't mean physically), I think we would see larger areas of incompatibility between us than there ever were before. For example, he would never tolerate my addiction to Desperate Housewives! LOL.
It's hard to realize that I have changed, that I have continued to grow... that Nick will never know this new me, that I go on living even though he doesn't. It totally stinks, actually.
Sigh... yet another joy of widowhood.
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