still alive

yes I am still here.

haven't felt like wrting the past few months. living my life has taken the front seat. well that and working in a thankless job that has had me down a lot of the time lately.

updates:

job= sucks. we have lost a great many patients over the past few months. and when you work in pediatric oncology that is never a good thing. it has a way of getting you down and keeping you down

home= we went through a roomate crisis but now hae a new one. and i hae beautiful new furniture that i absolutely love. also have a new washer that was a saga and a half but in the end is really great howeer word to the wise; never ever buy from sears. $1800 dollars for a $400 washer- I will leave it at that

widowhood= some days great some days not. part of this new life that will always be with us i think. i miss him- enough said.

friends= eh. i've learned that i do have a few ery good friends. i have also learned that i had some "friends" that weren't really friends as soon as my life went in a direction that they didn't like. oh well.

c= great. we are so happy together and just so happy period. we are finding it more and more challenging to not live together but for the time being it is for the best. we treasure our time together and value it more than anything. he continues to amaze me and makes me laugh more than i ever have.

i promise to try to write more- it's my resolution because there are things that need to be written about. I still read every day a bunch of blogs and want to get back into it.

finally a diagnosis

So for the past 4 years- yes i did say years- some of my doctors have thought that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- and then some didn't. Some believe you have to have cysts in order to have it- some think you just need symptoms of it- some think you need blood tests to confirm it.

Finally my doctor believes I have it 100%. My symptoms prove it, my blood proves it... who cares about my ovaries...she does-- but thankfully there are no cysts to be seen

so what does this mean?

well..focusing on the positive--- my doctor is almost 100% sure it's why I can't lose any weight no matter what I do-- and I mean no matter what--- I exercise daily, I eat healthy, I do everything that they say to do--and yet instead of weight coming off it comes on. So this is somewhat of a validation that I am not crazy- nor is something drastically wrong. It screws with your metabolism as well as insulin resistance.

it also could lead to type 2 diabetes, hair in unwanted places, acne, and for me the biggest concern-- it sometimes also suggests infertility- or at least issues getting pregnant.

considering i have never really tried to get pregnant I suppose I shouldn't worry about it-- but honestly-- that one thing scares me more than anything. The one thing I have always said I wanted in life is a child and no matter what I will have one- adoption or other means. But I hope it doesn't speak badly of me that I would just like to have one the somewhat traditional way. No offense I hope to anyone. I have always said I want to adopt-- but is it so wrong of me to just want to have one biologically.

I know this is all putting the cart before the horse... who knows I might have no issues whatsoever. Most indications point to the fact that the symptoms that also lead to symptoms of infertility are ones that I don't have.

in the meantime ther is a major sort of decision to be made. My doctor wants to put me on Metformin. The more I read the more it scares me a little that the side effects are so unpleasant... i am going back and forth on it.... anyone out there have any experience with this????

no news is good news

as summer comes to a close I realize how quickly it has gone by and how little time i have had for anything. Life though is good- it is very good. Work is crazy busy- 2 people have left which in a department of 5 is a whole heck of a lot- but somehow we are managing. C. is great-- although I always wish for more time with him but he has truly none to give. It's a struggle but worth it every day. Other than that just a whole lot of babies and weddings and housewarmings. Never ending events. I love being busy but I can sense it's time for me to take a much needed break. This weekend is looking almost empty so hopefully rest will come.

the pearls

Have I ever told you how thoughtful and just plain romantic John was. He truly was an old fashioned romantic. So it disturbed him greatly that he couldn't surprise me with my engagement ring. He had to shop for it online instead of in a store because he was housebound. I saw it when he found it online because he couldn't keep it to himself and he needed me to find his credit card. So not the surprise he wanted all his life.

But he made up for it on valentine's day 2004. He kept saying to me I needed to find a black dress. Find a new black dress. He teased me over and over again. So I went shopping one night and bought a dress I knew he would love- low cut and short- what more could a man want. I figure we were going to try to go out to dinner or maybe have it delivered in and he wanted to feel normal. Of course I would play along. Anything to make him feel like himself at a time when he was anything but.

So I get to his house and he's dressed up in a shirt and tie with his oxygen tubes and his catheter. It was the first time he wasn't in pajamas in 2 months. We sat down to a wonderful italian carry out dinner. And I figured this was my surprise - and what a wonderful gift it was. To see him in his element and happy as a clam that he had pulled one off on me.

Dinner was over. We were curled up on the couch watching a movie. He pulled a little box out from behind his back and said, "I think this is the perfect accessory for that dress." I opened the box and there was a beautiful pair of pearl and diamond earrings. Just the right size pearl with a little diamond attached. They were gorgeous. And somehow in that moment I fell in love with him again- not that we weren't completely in love but just for one minute it didn't feel like I was marrying a terminally ill cancer patient.

Later on that night we were lying in his bed. Something that his mother never permitted as I was supposed to sleep in the guest room. But that night was special and she said as long as I went to bed at some point of course we could curl up in his room- otherwise known as the dining room- in his hospital bed. SO there we were- me ever so cautiously trying not to anger his mother by wearing a cute little black cami and these black satin pajama pants with little red and pink hearts on them. John said he thought that even though I looked content something was still missing. He leaned over to his nightstand, opened his drawer, and pulled out a larger box with a big pink ribbon on it. I opened it to find a gorgeous strand of pearls to match the earrings. I was so surprised. He had pulled off the complete romantic gesture. He was so proud of himself for completely surprising me.

A month later I was even more surprised to be wearing those pearls to his funeral.

3 years and 5 months later I packaged those pearls up and lent them out today.

You see one of John's closest friends is getting married in October and today was her wedding shower. I am in the wedding. I am fully aware that I am only in this wedding as a way to honor him and his presence in her life. So for about a month now I have been grappling with what to give her as an appropriate shower gift. About a week ago I figured out that the best thing to give her would be a gift from him.

So today after all the presents had been opened (don't worry- she also got one of her place settings and a spa gift card from me), and after most of the guests had left I pulled her aside and gave her a card. Then I gave her the pearls. Then she broke down and so did I.

For in this romantic time of her life she misses her "big brother". The person that would have told her how proud he was of her and how happy he was for her. And I had put that in the card.
She said that she had thought of him this morning while waiting for the guests. That life still doesn't feel complete without him there. And that she knows she will feel a void on her wedding day. But then that card and those pearls changed that feeling- for now she has a piece of him to be with her then.

I can't begin to tell you how good today felt. Those pearls might have been the best thing he ever gave me. They brought him so much joy in giving them to me and today I felt that same sense of joy. For just one moment life was perfect. He will somehow be with her on her wedding day. For now that is enough. Those pearls- the biggest surprise he ever pulled off- the most romantic gesture of them all will be part of the most romantic and happiest day of her life. For just one moment everything felt perfect again.

c. and i had a wonderful day yesterday. so wonderful i almost let a comment slip right by without saying anything-- not the word almost. he mentioned something about getting married when i am 35. yes folks- that would be 5 years from now. 5 years. now i dont' want to get married tomorrow but i would like to be married long before then. and then i explained to him what every woman learned from watching when harry met sally-- or in my case when i watched the love of my life slip away before i got the chance.

when you know you have met the person you want to spend your life with you don't want to wait.

i waited with john- i waited for a long time. till everything was predictable-- or not predictable but expected. date 2 years get engaged- wait another year get married. or that was the plan

now i don't want the predictable or the expected. i just want to live life and figure it out. so what if the timing isn't perfect.

c. is on board to a point with this. he says he needs to straighten some stuff in his life out first. but it will definitely be sooner than 5 years. because he too wants to just live life and be happy.

until the moment comes though we just live as we have been- enjoying the precious time we get together.

things that weren't supposed to happen

i'm not supposed to be outliving him- at least not at 30

wednesday is my birthday and it's a big one and i am having a hard time with it. not for the reasons most of my friends are thinking. it's another year - big freaking deal. i am happy in most things in my life. everything is falling into place in my personal life and my job life.

but

john was diagnosed on his 30th birthday. he was dead 3 months later.


more than likely in 3 months and 5 days i will have outlived him. he was 3+ years older than me. i was not supposed to catch up to him.

and i hate it.

i just wish that i could stop thinking about the person that is missing in my life and just focus on who is there. but sometimes it's just so hard

now is one of those times.

happy birthday to me.

the childless widow

There have been 3 births and 3 pregnancies announced in my life in the past 3 months.

6 babies

none of them mine

and i cannot shake the sadness of that fact

because if cancer had not invaded our life we would have more than likely been welcoming a baby of our own by now

but instead i am childless and i hide my sadness behind rattles and playmats and darling clothes bought for other people's children

while always wondering why

and always wondering what a little piece of him and of me would have been like

sometimes the grief felt on this subject is just so much more than the grief i feel in losing him

and lately it is just that much more magnified

what life could have been like, what a child would have been like

so many dreams and wishes and hopes for a future- all ripped apart

yes i can still have a child- but it will never be his

there will never be a piece of him wandering this earth

and that sadness rips me apart every single day

update

So here's an update on all things me:
C and I are better than ever. He just took a new job with the aim that we will be better off in the future. Him taking this job also means that he will be able to give up one of his part time jobs meaning that he will have a little more time to see me :) couldn't be happier about that

my job is kicking me in hte rear these days. every day i am ready to give up and go somewhere else but i don't have the motivation to look for anything plus there are promises on the table that i am waiting to see fulfilled.

the house hunt is on in a major way. nothing has either met my expectations or met my price range as of yet. it's still a pretty bad housing market for a buyer here in massachusetts no matter what the articles say.

i finally have a doctor's appointment in august which i need desperately. I think part of me not writing lately has been that i am so scared that something is wrong and it's consuming my mind on a daily basis which in turn has made me very very cranky

wedding season is in full bloom- 4 weddings between now and november. fun fun fun- or ugh ugh ugh.

i miss john. i miss him more than i usually admit to. it just sneaks up on me and i hate that. i hate that people who know me now don't know me really. it's just a part of me. i know i will never stop missing him but i certainly wish it would get a little easier. maybe it's just today. maybe it's just this month- who knows.

long time no talk

if anyone still checks this- yes I am alive. Been kind of cranky and not wanting to really write about it. Everything's ok- I just feel like I could bite someone's head off for no apparent reason. Ever feel this way?

will be back hopefully later in the week with a better attitude

some days

some days it comes out and hits me - he's not here. my best friend- the one i wanted to share my life with is not here. and it takes my breath away
yesterday was one of those days
and then last night c came over. and it hit me again. he is here. c. is here. and with that i can exhale again

random thoughts

• There was an article today in one of the papers around here that spoke of how many complaints the MBTA receives about their service(MBTA=public transit). The number one complaint supposedly is about their employees and how rude they are at times. I have to say as a faithful MBTA rider as I have no other means of getting to work (parking=$300 a month at my work) I have to say that would not be my number one complaint. Instead I would complain about the fact it takes me on most days around 4 hours round trip to get to my job that is only 8 miles away from my house because of late busses or breakdowns or in typical fashion this week's excuse of having a driver just walk off the bus at a stop and refuse to drive anymore leaving us stranded on the bus at an entrance ramp to the highway. C. asked me if I have ever written a formal complaint and I said to him why bother- it's not going to change anything and that is so sadly true.

• Today I went to order a new pair of glasses as I can barely see out of my current ones. I ask you this question- why doesn't health insurance cover the cost and leave me with a copay. It's not like I am choosing to wear a piece of metal on my face for the sheer joy they bring me. I can't see my hand in front of my face without them on- isn't that a medical condition that needs fixing??? Instead I shelled out my $500 and will have my wonderful new glasses here just in time to drive to NH for my father's birthday next weekend- good thing too because even driving the few miles to the busstop is questionable some days never mind getting on a highway.

• I am a bigger tomboy than I think I have admitted to here and can't help but wish that A-Rod (A-Fraud) screws up royally some point over the weekend while the yankees are in town playing the sox. He's a cheater and a liar- and honestly I can't find one nice looking thing about him except the fact that at least he is in a yankees uniform instead of a red sox one.

• Working in a cancer institute makes me very afraid to go to the doctor. I have been having some serious weird pain the past few days and know I should probably go to the doctor but am too afraid to make an appointment and am hoping it will just go away. in the world that i work in everyone does this. everyone is so afraid by everything that we see that no one ever goes to the dr. it's probably not the wisest thing and i probably should be going to the dr but i know it's not my appendix and other than that hopefully it will just diminish.

• me, r. and baby b. are going to a hot dog derby this weekend. i wonder what kind of interest a 5 week old is going to have in hot dogs. for that matter i wonder what his mom and auntie really are thinking as well

the end

well the end has finally come to a very dear friendship- one that i treasured but in the end proved not worth fighting for by the other party. amazing that for so long he pushed me to have a voice and when i finally did speak my voice he didn't like what i had to say. i will miss d. terribly-and can only hope that one day i open my phone to find a text from him.

what amazes me most after all the loss that we as people have endured- a new loss of a different kind can hurt just as much

however i guess there comes a point and after months of the silent treatment for speaking my mind i have finally had enough.

after all life is too short to live in silence.

yesterday C and I celebrated one year of being together. Although work schedules on both mine and his part made it impossible to see each other this weekend (gotta love budget season with a new software system) we are both fully aware of what this day meant. For me it has been 365 days of mostly smiles and laughter. he has added to my life and i can't picture my life at the present without him in it. i love him more and more every day and have no fears we will be celebrating in the near future. Of all the horrible dates and questionable encounters I had post-widow boy am I ever glad I went to the fatgirldance
:)

the art of falling

There's an article in Oprah magazine for June that has really got me thinking.... mainly because the person Martha Beck describes is a combination of both me and C.

The article is about falling... falling in love, falling in intimacy.. and being totally frightened by it.

I realized very early on that I was so afraid to open my heart again. To allow myself to feel anything even resembling love. All these months later (a year this weekend) I know i am in love. Did I allow myself to fall... definitely not. Should I have... possibly. As the author explains when you allow yourself to fall then you truly feel. I know I am overprotective of myself. Too much pain, too much hurt... don't want to experience any more heartbreak... at least not willingly. C. is much the same way. Very guarded about his feelings- about being in love. about letting himself fall. We are two tarnished people.

the article says bad idea #1 about taking the lover's leap is guarding your heart. that you have to feel in order to feel. and it's a perfect concept. i completely understand it. i also completely can't buy into it. maybe this heart's been through too much.

the writer also says that when you think about the concept of someone dying you treasure them even more. i think any non-widowed person thinks this. the widowed person instead says, "I treasure them. I lived each moment with them. I held them I loved them. It still didn't stop the horror from happening." I treasure C. I love him. I love who I am with him. I know he is a wonderful man. But there is always still going to be a part of me that knows that holding him close, treasuring him, feeling blessed because of him does not change that one day he could be gone. Of course we live each moment and breathe each moment I think it's just different knowing that as much as you live life you can't choose when it's over.

do you think walking cautiously into love can still have the same effect as falling in love? i sure hope so. I don't know if I will ever fall in love again. I think my heart will always be guarded. I think my mind will always say be careful, be careful- don't give yourself away 100%, save a tiny tiny portion as backup

i can't say i hate that feeling but i can say i don't know if anyone but the widows will understand.

Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my mother. My mother. The woman who I have not spoken to in at least a year and haven't seen in 7 years. My mother.

The things that exist between us are too much to get past. And yes I know life is short and yes I do miss her but no it isn't worth the emotional turmoil that having her in my life would cost me.

So I open the package to find a ruby and diamond ring. Very pretty. Very me.

I decide to pick up the phone

Dial the number and hear it has been disconnected.

What kind of daughter doesn't know their own mother's phone number?

you're looking at her and words cannot describe how horrible a feeling it is.

A few thoughts:



C. is an amazing man. I love him more than I tell him. He has brought a piece of me to the surface that makes me so happy. I picture a future with him. I picture a baby with him. I picture a life with him. How amazing is that??



Today at work I was given a service award for 5 years of service. Technically it's 6 next week. Time has definitely flown by. I am lucky to most days have a job that i like, have a boss that I love, and actually have a good time at work. I am also incredibly lucky to work for an organization that takes the time to recognize its employees. Not to mention the little blue box that my gift came in that every woman loves to see....





This baby, brennan, has brought a new joy into my life. I don't have any friends that have children. He is the first and I honestly can't wait to see him again. I can't wait to old him again. I just can't wait for so many things. I wish his father would realize the beauty he is missing out on but am so blessed to be able to love this little man.






Loving life. Very busy. But loving it. Never would have thought 3 years ago that that statement would be possible There is hope along this widow road. For me it has come in the people that enrich my life. Still having issues with some "friends" but maybe it will be sorted out, maybe it won't. At this point I know that my life is full. That I am blessed. That I am loved. That I feel love. Anything is possible. Everything is possible. How amazing is that

There is so much I could write about and in time I think I will. Tonight though I just need to sleep.

One thought to leave with.... Brennan was born in the same hospital that John died in. I love the fact that I can now walk by that place every day and have such a beautiful moment in my mind instead of the one I have been carrying with me for the past 3 years. God is good and I feel very blessed.

He's Here!!

Brennan B.
8lbs 2 oz
20 inches
3:05 pm April 27th

I am such a proud auntie!

new arrival

please keep renee and baby brennan in your prayers. they will be inducing her labor tomorrow morning if labor does not start by then! can't wait to be an auntie!!

oh, please keep me in your prayers too- that i won't pass out in the delivery room! As I said to c last night... this experience will either make me want to be a mother even more or scar me for life and i might never want to have children. definitely hoping for the former!

defining moment(s)

The other night I was at dinner with a friend who is going through a very rough time with her boyfriend. In speaking with her the topic came up of defining moments. Her boyfriend wants to define her life by one moment that happened in her life which means nothing to her. Anyone who knows her knows that her life is defined by the moment her mother was run over almost 3 years ago.

But through that conversation I got to thinking, would the sae be said about me. Would I define my life by the moment I lost John?

In some ways I think I should be able to. If anything would be a defining moment in one's life wouldn't it be that? Isn't that the most dramatic point in which one can look back at life. The moment when you lost love forever?

Maybe there was a point where I defined my life by that moment. Maybe there sometimes still is. But I look at life now and realize there are so many moments that have defined me. That have made my life exactly what it is right now- that define my decisions and my ambitions.

The moment that I met my grandmother right after my baby cousin had died. I was in second grade and had never met her yet knew I was loved by her right away. The moment that my brother left for college knowing he would never choose to come home again and that our family would be forever changed- not for the better. The moment I chose to leave home in high school knowing that I was on my own- yet not afraid of anything because I was escaping my fear. The moment I opened the package in the mail that day finally knowing that she knew all along. The moment the call came telling me that my father was so sick knowing that there was very little time to forgive. The moment he asked me to marry him. The moment he was gone.

But there have been moments since, moments that even if not life defining- life changing. Like the moment I took my ring off knowing that meant to the outside world that my heart didn't belong to anyone. The moment I woke up and my first thought was not of him but of my life without him. The moment I met C. The moment I knew my heart - or at least a piece of it belongs to someone else.

moments. all of them. some painful, some joyous. some bring definition others confusion. all i wish for is to not be deifined and not let my life be defined by any one of them.

"open road"

"And I will leave this sweet New England,
I will leave these ghosts of you
I will climb onto that train, find a seat that's got no view
And I will take what I need with me, I will not take what I don't
And I will say that I'll be back here but I'll know that I won't
And I will live with empty pockets, I will live with empty sleeves
And I will know that there is nothing in this world I cannot leave
And I will tell my friends I love them,
I will just hope that they know
That I need nobody beside me on this open road"

Kris Delmhorst, "Open Road"

I love this song. I love the message. If you have nerver heard it please research Kris Delmhorst. She is an amazing singer that is so soulful and all of her lyrics are amazing. Just in those first 2 lines it says everything I would love to do.

At this point I am not going anywhere. I have spoken at great length with C about this. Also had a lengthy conversation with my boss. What it boils down to is that I love C. I want to see where this is going. I want to be able to be with him. If I leave this "sweet New England" that will never happen, because just as the song says I know I wouldn't come back.

I also have figured out that the only real reason that I want to leave my job is because of one person. I have battled before and I can do it again. If I leave now it is only giving into her and her stupidity.

So instead I am choosing to stay put, right here in crappy Boston. Am I settling? Possibly. But I am settling for the person and the things that are making me happiest in this moment. I am also still embracing the open road that lies ahead of me. I am embracing the possibilities that lie ahead of me and maybe just maybe i will also leave the ghosts that are haunting me behind.

3:06:22

Matt ran the marathon today-- his second Boston.... in 3:06:22. How is it humanly possible to run that fast?

I can't even walk the half marathon that fast.

scary, superhuman, and highly admirable!

maybe if i somehow talk this out here it will be easier to explain in real life.....

i am at a crossroads.

I am not enjoying my job at all lately. if you work for three quarters of your life shouldn't you enjoy it?

so with that in mind i thought about what i would like to be doing- and where i would like to be

the answer once again is not boston. it's north carolina. don't really know exactly why there- but it is definitely there.

one tiny problem-- or actually a major one. C.

i know he would never move there- not with his daughter up here. i also know i don't want to live my life without him in it. at the same time i'd like to know a little better that he envisions his life with me in it as well- that i am not placing all my faith in something that is truly there.

at the same time if i stay in boston just because of him is that settling?

i told him tonight that i wanted to give it till the end of summer and see where we are at before i make any decisions. but as soon as i said it it sounded like an ultimatum. and that's not how i meant it at all.

i don't care if we are still where we are at at the end of summer as long as it is a little clearer to me where he is at. i'm not ready to live with him yet. im definitely not ready for anything even bigger than that. i just want to know that i am not staying in boston to wait for him to never want anything more.

he told me i need to do what makes me happy. he makes me happy. boston does not make me happy. the hardest part about leaving would be leaving him- i know it wouldn't work long distance. i also know that if i left here i would never come back to live here.

i just don't want him to feel like i want to leave him. i definitely don't. i just want to know that i am staying for the right reasons.

ugh i hate decision making. i hate feeling like i am pressuring him to a larger step. i hate feeling like this. i just want to be able to communicate a little clearer.

anyone have any suggestions.. input.. guidance??

identity

recently there have been situations in my life which have brought up a large question. Do people have to lose themselves as part of being a part of a we.

My answer has always been no. I want to be who I am in my life whether there is another person in it or not. I don't want to be a person who is just a part of a couple and doesn't have an individual identity. I never have. If i have to lose myself to be with a person then that's not the right person for me. Of course I understand that part of being in a relationship means that you add to your personality with this other personality. I jsut don't think that you adopt that person's whole identity as your own. I still want to think for myself, make my own decisions, have what I have always had as important in my life still retain its significance. I don't want to lose me in becoming a we.

One of the things that I love most about c. is that he values this immensely. Not only does he want me to be who I am- he wants me to figure out my identity a little more. He pushes me to find what I truly value in my life, understands that it is still a work in progress and will always be, and believes that only when we bring who we are to the table as individuals can we truly become who we want to be as a couple.

I have always had people in my life that also value this. I don't have friends who need to spend every minute with their significant others. They are their own people, think thier own way, belive in their own beliefs and values and opinions. Even when they get married they retain their identities. That is at least until lately.

I am having a very hard time watching a few friends lose themselves completely in relationships. Everything that was important in their lives suddenly has no value. They no longer spend time as individuals but instead have adopted every part of their so's personalities as well as being attached at the hip to the person. It's not that their so's are bad people at all- at the same time it's so hard to watch anyone become someone that they are not. It's also hard to still stay a part of a person's life when they aren't who you thought they were. It's something I really am having a hard time with.

I just don't want to ever become like that. I guess it's a case of personal preference. It's how stubborn I am in my life that I won't say that of course if I am with C. I have to spend all of my time with him and believe in everything he does and if he doesn't value the friends in my life than tough luck to them. I think there is a middle ground. I definitely don't have the perfect relationship- we struggle with a lot of things- but at the same time I am still me. I'm still catholic, republican (i know i know such a travesty especially with who we have as president), i put my friends high up on my priority list, i love to volunteer, i believe in the good in people. that's my identity. Im proud of it- and too proud to change it for anyone. What i don't get is why people would. If the person wants to change you- or control you- or cause you to lose yourself then how can they be the best person for you.

ok so I think i have lost a few brain cells this weekend.

First of all I read a book all about planning weddings. No I am not planning my own. Just something I have always been interested in. So in the book it talks about the knot.com and how the people on there are known as knotties. they have their planning ideas in their online bios. So after reading about them I decided to check some of them out. and I got scared...very scared. There are people that want to color coordinate their drinkns to their bridesmaid colors to their aisle runners. I also got addicted. I kept clicking and clicking and reading and looking at these fabulous weddings and at these unbelivable dresses. What I can tell you in wedding trends. A lot of people seem to like pink and brown. A lot of people in Boston don't have nice things to say about the state room. The biggest nightmare is not that your marriage will fail but that the bridesmaids shoes won't mix well with the decor.

so if that wasn't enough of a loss of brain cells ... yesterday i got sucked into a marathon of america's next top model on mtv. I don't watch much reality tv. mainly the shows on bravo, top chef and project runway, and i watch idol, but somehow i have now been sucked in by tyra banks. first of all the woman is beyond gorgeous. secondly i truly think she really does care about the girls on the show. and these girls are very pretty. utterly gorgeous. i also like the fact that she had a plus size girl go pretty far in the season that i watched. maybe it's not all that bad after all

so if you have time and feel the need to be mindless catch the next episode and check out some of the women on the knot. it's pretty entertaining.

divorced dating vs. widowed dating

as i have mentioned before c. is divorced. and sometimes i notice how different his mindset is compared to mine....

divorced: she might cheat on me
widowed: he might die on me

divorced: when is it going to fail
widowed: when will he get sick

divorced: 6 out of 10 marriages will fail
widowed: everyone dies

divorced: im scared of screwing up
widowed: im scared of losing him

divorced: i need to protect my heart
widowed: i need to protect my heart

in the grand scheme things are great with c. it's just that sometimes we are on completely different pages. tonight was one of those nights. but we will be fine. we just need to find a middle ground and remember what we have in common- that we are both scared but also both excited at the possibilities.

ok i take it back--- my post from this morning. life all of a sudden is not so good- not good at all. a friend of john's killed himself today.

life is not good at all

im still alive---
took a few days off for some much needed r&r

have stories to tell but not much time to tell them in.

work is crazy, home is ok, c is amazing, life is good and soon i will be an auntie!! can't wait for baby b to arrive

friends unexpected

I have often said in real life that i could write a book about my travels on the MBTA, the buses that I take every day to get to work and home. Between the smelly people, and the ones that get way too close, the wonderful language that the teenagers use shouting down the bus and the number of accidents, breakdowns, and even police pullovers that have happened it's never a dull moment.

At the same time I have met some wonderful people. For 3 years I took the same bus at the same time every day. There were a bunch of us that always spoke to each other, we got to know each other pretty well. Bill the banker, Krista the tech, Meg the student and me. We started to go out about once a month after work with our significant others. This was back when I was dating John. We would all go out. And I must admit that we had a great time, but that people in the restaurant must have wondered about us. Bill is in his fifties and would bring his daughter who was a tween, Krista was in her forties, and me and Meg were in our twenties. Actually Meg got engaged the same weekend me and John did. So there we were, and after John got sick these 3 people held me together every morning. Meg was in nursing school and could explain some stuff I didn't understand. Krista worked at the hospital John was in and could check on him when I couldn't be there. Bill's sister had just gone through the same battle and he supported my emotions and helped me prepare for what could be next. And then John died. He died on a Saturday, on Tuesday I had a card in my mail from a return address that I didn't know and from a name I didn't recognize. The card just said, "It sucks. I know. I'm here when you need me." No name on the inside. It was a big mystery and I just couldn't figure out who this card was from. I moved. I stopped taking that bus. One day I ran into Bill at CVS and he was carrying his briefcase with his initials embossed. It was then that I knew exactly who that card was from. Bill is his middle name.

Since then I see Krista and Bill every once in awhile. Meg has moved but we still email. I ran into Krista the other day and hugged her till I couldn't anymore. She has had a rough road in front of her and I haven't seen her in awhile but it was like no time had passed at all.

Now i have new friends on my new bus. Jess and Scott. Jess and I go out about once a week. We talk about our boys. We gripe about our jobs. We cry together sometimes. Her mother was run over 2 years ago. I know what she is talking about when she is having a bad day- she knows where I am coming from when I have one. Scott is kinda like a big brother figure-- checks in-- makes sure our men are treating us well, makes sure we are behaving. Very much appreciated.

For as much time as I have spent on busses and for as many freaks and weird occurences that have happened I don't think I would trade it for driving by myself in a car every day. These people that I have met have been unexpected but so welcome. SO the next time you are on a bus or a train please say hello- you never know who is sitting next to you--- unless of course the person tries to grope you- then change seats as quick as possible! yes, a story for another day.

he makes me so happy... i don't think i have ever laughed more in my life... and yet he can be so serious at the same time.... together we make a very complete pair..... the only hard part is missing him so much... but even that has gotten so much better.... everything is so good.... wonder when i will stop trying to convince myself

3 years

3 long years.

and yet all i can see is what is ahead of me

yes I miss him- more so now than in those first few months- because back then I missed him as a being. his physical person. now i miss him not in the physical but more in the whole person he was. who he was. who i was with him. those things that not just a physical presence can give comfort to.

at the same time i see clearly who i am right now- who i want to be in the future. and although that doesn't physically include him- it will always include him

3 years- more than 1000 days. but once again it comes down to will 3 years and one day feel any different than today.

every day i miss him- not every day is quite as painful as today- but it is stil there- lying beneath the surface.

today i choose to let it come out a little bit- embrace the pain just a little- and then i choose to live with it. living is the only way to make any bit of sense of it- to just live- to just keep breathing-- to just be.

so 3 years has brought me to here- to this place that is not quite peaceful all the time but still has its moments of peace.

for that i am thankful

for him i am thankful

enough

when i was little i used to believe that love was enough. that would cure anything and solve anything. maybe because i was largely unloved most of my childhood and thought that would cure it all.

as i got older i thought maybe love and nurturing would do the trick. that would solve my problems if people cared about me enough to both love me and guide me the all of the problems would just disappear

as a teenager i thought that love and nurturing and companionship would be enough. after all how could a person feel alone if they were with someone. or at least the problems that seemed so big could be fought as a team

as a college student i thought that love, nurturing, companionship, and motivation would be enough. that if i strove for answers i would find them. if i was ambitious enough then maybe the ever elusive love would find me.

it did as a young adult- all of those things finally fell into place- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, and strength. i found them all in one person. and for one split second there was nothing that couldn't be handled. nothing that couldn't be solved and nothing too far out of reach. and after that split second my world shattered and he was gone. and with him he took all of those things plus the newly discovered happiness.

and then i found that i had love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strength, and happiness within myself. they were just buried out of reach. they were sinking further and further into the quicksand of my being. and one person- one person helped me find all of that and dig them out. and to that dave added trust. that it would be enough-- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strenth, happiness, and trust would be enough to solve everything.

for two and a half years it took all the patience in the world to believe that i would one day feel all those things. that they were within reach- that it wasn't just the split second with john that i could feel that completeness. that it could be mine if i just had patience everything would be ok.

and it is.

for the second time in my life i feel loved, nurtured, motivated, strong, happy, trustful, and patient. i also feel lucky... so incredibly lucky. the problems aren't solved. they might never be. i will always come from an unstable family with a chaotic background but somehow they don't matter as much. C. has brought all of this into my life. at the same time there is a list of things that he has also given me on top of all of this. he makes me laugh every day. he makes me smile. he lets me cry. he understands when no one else does.

it is enough.

everything is ok.

it really and truly is.

and this time even if something happens where it all falls apart in another split second i finally have the courage to put it all back together again

these men- john, dave, and cleo (C) have taught me the value of myself, that everything i will ever need is within myself

and it is enough.

ugh... just ugh... i will not cry.. i will not cry.. i will not cry.. i will not let this bother me to the point of insomnia that it has had me at the last week.. i will not let it bother me so much that all i want to do is curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out... there is no time for that...

have you ever...

saw this at pentha's looked like fun figured why not...

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone you love
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity (hello jimmy fund!!)
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (does the car ride from the funeral home to the church count?)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married--( don't i wish this was bold some days....)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and the Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care- i wish it was hospice instead of a cold sterile hopital room in the cancer ward
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair- since i was 14!!
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life - does my own count??


i am surprised that i have done so many things or felt so many things- some days it feels like i have barely started living

3 separate posts- one very mixed up girl

ever feel happy, sad, and miserable all at the same time? that's where i am today... might as well get it all out in one post instead of 3...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
happy....

i have a boyfriend! ok this might not be ground breaking news seeing as i have been seeing the same man for the past 9 months-- however-- he finally has used the label and is agreeing to my use of it. stupid i know but this is in fact progress. he thought that the "b" word shouldn't be used until he is able to make more of a time commitment... but today has thrown all caution to the wind... this little word has me abslutely beaming and i would be incredibly happy except for....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sad....

it is now march. not a lot of good memories found here. i can barely belive it will be 3 years on the 13th. so far it's not the crushing of emotions i have had the past ew years more like the drone of white noise. that there is something sad that is making me generally sad but not overwhelming like in years past. years... did i just say years plural? yikes. theres that rush of sadness. i know i will make it through it- it's just so sad. its not that i miss him so much as that i miss who i got to be with him. almost fearless, almost trusting that happiness doesn't just vanish, almost believing that life can be good. almost... but not quite. i feel a little sad that john will never meet c. (how weird is that) . i think he would like him. at times they can be very simlar but of course so completely different. is it weird to be sad about that? im also incredibly sad that john can't see all the changes that are taking place in his friends' lives. i don't really know too much firsthand because of what i said a few months ago. but i do know that one of his friends is expecting a baby in a few days, another has bought their first house, and yet another has made some major life decisions just in the past few weeks. this last one is what makes me feel....

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miserable...

dave has made some major life decisions in his life lately. and i wish i could just be supportive of them but in all honesty i am not. and because of these decisions i really don't feel i can stay a part of his life. i cant hide my feelings about them nor can i pretend like i agree. this has made me absolutely miserable. dave had become like a brother to me and i cant picture my life without him in it at the same time i cant picture keeping my mouth shut for years on end. i really dont know what to do-- but for right now i am letting myself feel the loss of this friendship because even if things can somehow be fixed they will never be the same.....

good things

on the positive side of life because there needs to be a positive i am spending part of my weekend in a lamaze class.... no it's not me that is having a baby... but i am very excited to serve as a coach to one of my very good friends who has decided to take the very courageous step and purposefully becoming a single parent. i have great admiration for her and cannot wait for b's arrival.

i have said many times in my life that if i am single at a certain point in my life that i would become a mother. i want a child. i know i would be a good mother. of course watching the logistics of my friend handling this has brought me into a reality of sorts, it's a lot harder than just being a good mother. or being a good mother involves a lot more than just loving your child. no matter what though b. will be a very blessed and lucky child and i can't wait to be an "auntie"

withdrawal

i haven't felt much like talking to anyone lately. just am going through the motions of living. not living well but making it. i know all of this family stuff has taken a toll on me. it's just getting harder every day instead of easier which makes every day a nightmare. i have begun to wonder how much pain and suffering any person will witness in their lives. feeling like i have already witnessed more than i feel capable of handling. ever watch a late stage alzhimers patient? that is my father every day for the past 3years but it is finally taking its toll on me. because he isn't going anywhere. there are still years and years most likely ahead of this confusion in his brain where he no longer knows anyone yet knows that they have a reason to be in his life. it's not alzheimers and he can function daily and i suppose i should be grateful for that but how much does it mean to have a family when the family doesn't know that you are family?

so i feel the need to withdraw. my 3 year mark is coming up swiftly. more so the reminders of the most painful days of my life are ahead of me. i feel like the only place that i can really talk is here so i will probably be doing that a lot more in the near future. i hope you will bear with me.

grey's

Tonight while watching Grey's Anatomy I found myself sobbing. Not just a few tears but outright sobbing.

that brush. those lines. just knowing that they are in the same place as us. it really hit me hard.

since john died there have been so many moments where i have felt that i feel him. not so hard to believe in the beginning where all you want to do is feel them. but as time wore on those moments disappeared.

lately though they have been back. just the other day i was walking into work and got into the elevator and i swear i could feel him. of course he had been there with me numerous times but it was like he was there and for that moment everything felt undisturbed. everything was upright and correct i nthe world. for just that one second. and then he was gone. and i was shaken to my very core.

maybe it is like the show said. for one moment that was us. that is all we have now. those moments. and as much as i wouldn't trade my current happiness for anything i still live for those moments where everything feels almost perfect again

odd

so this morning i woke up crying and hyperventilating. I had been dreaming about my engagement ring. i couldn't remember what it looked like....

so i took it out when i got dressed this morning and put it on today. first time i have worn it in about a year and a half- i put it on my right hand and wore it all day today. but still the whole thing is odd to me.

it feels odd, my nonmemory of it was odd, it's just been an odd day. so much a part of me and yet not a part of the new me. just plain odd.

don't judge a book

I have a great passion for reading- developed at an early age by my parents- two teachers if I have never mentioned that before. Growing up I used to read a book a day- I had to- that was the rule in our house. Even now because of the large amount of my life spent on public transportation I read about a book every other day.

For most normal people this would mean getting a library card. I however have a problem with libraries. Somehow I never remember to return the books- causing a great fear in me that I am on the most wanted posters in libraries and won't be allowed through the doors without alarms going off and security guards rushing me.

So in having this problem it has caused me to spend an inordinate amount of money at b&n. Like more money than I pay in rent. It was a sad state of affairs. But then I discovered this. A service like netflix but for books. I figure this will save me enough money that I should have that downpayment on the house in no time ;)

I took a look at my list today as I just returned 2 books and will be receiving 2 more this week. I always have 4 out at a time. But in looking at my list i am realizing how eclectic my tastes are. I have a fair amount of chick lit on there- because most of the time i like to read frivolous stuff. But then I have some poly sci books, some psychology books, some classics. I'm all over the map.

The book I am reading now- which I suggest everybody at some point in their lives read one of his books is by Jonathon Kozol- a sociologist that did most of his studies in poverty and its effects on children and society in general. Currently I am reading Rachel and Her Children, but the first book I read by him was first semester freshman year in college- Amazing Grace. This book literally changed my life. I was in college as a chemistry major but after reading this book changed my major to Political Science with the hopes o one day working to change this society. Hopefully one day that will happen- in the meantime once a year I read this book to remind me of how life is for some people, how lucky I was to grow up the way I did. How lucky I am to be able to read it in the first place. If you have a chance pick it up. It's so worth the time it will take you to read it. It will change your life- I guarantee it.

Amazing what the power of the written word can do. Sometimes I take that for granted. Off to turn off the tv and do some reading.

so C. is sick. and in him being sick I have discovered he is about the biggest baby you could ever imagine. granted i think my sympathetic nerve for men being sick was used up with john however.....

he has the stomach flu.... you would think that he was dying.

yet more and more every day i am falling in love with him- and i think seeing him this vulnerable has been good. sometimes we just need the reminder that we aren't superhuman.

the really sucky part is that i can't see him until he is better since i can not risk even getting the slightest bit sick right now

cancer

As you may have noticed I have added a fight cancer badge to my blog. I came across another blog of another young widow who had one on hers and if you want one of your own you can find them here: acswebbadge.org

They state at the site that you should do one of these things if you put a badge up on your site:

What does it mean to say “I Fight Cancer”? When you display an “I Fight Cancer” badge on your blog, you commit to one or more of the following: -Write a blog entry on your experience with cancer-Invite 5 bloggers to display the badge-Talk to your friends and family about getting screened for cancer-Wear a matching American Cancer Society wrist band-Get involved in local American Cancer Society events and programs, like Relay For Life or Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.-Or, make a donation.

I am choosing to do the first one-- I do a bunch of the others as well but I don't think I have ever spoken directly of cancer here before so I am going to try

Cancer

cancer seems like it has always been a part of my life. I remember when I was very little being told my grandfather had died of it at a very young age. In third grade my grandma was diagnosed with throat cancer and lived for three miserable years with it. My uncle had a form of it as a late stage development of HIV. All of these people. All of this suffering. Yet I still did not know what an impact cancer would have on me

Cancer is my job. It is my livelihood. If there weren't people with cancer I would be unemployed. If research was not needed my skill set would have no value. Yet what I wouldn't-or any one that I work with - wouldn't give to be unemployed. I work at one of the top cancer institutes in the country. Just the other day a friend said to me, "I don't know how you can work there- I was there for 10 minutes and couldn't look around at the sadness that exists behind those doors." But why I work there is for the reminder that people can actually live with this disease. That even with my small part of the whole we are helping to make sure more and more people live with this fricking disease.

Too bad when it mattered most it couldn't help me. I lost my John to 4 months of colon cancer. 4 months of living, breathing, feeling the havoc this disease wreaked on his and my life. 4 months of knowing that as long as i live i will always be trying to make sure no one went through what we did. 4 months of knowing that cancer is just a disease- it is not the person. it is not what makes and comprises a person- it is so limited.

one of my friends had sent this poem to me and i believe it is so true:

Cancer is so limited that:
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

houses

So being 29 edging closer to 30 I definitely have been thinking lately that it's time to make somewhat of a grownup step and start looking at houses. Interest rates are ok. My credit is doing good. Im starting to feel financially ok. So maybe it's time. So I have started looking.

1st issue. I live in Massachusetts. Home of the housing bubble. EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING is too pricey. I have looked at condos, houses, multi families. I have looked in the city, in the suburbs, up by the New Hampshire line, down by Rhode Island. I have now come to the conclusion the only places to look are west and south. But by west I mean really west- like past Worcester west. More like past the Connecticut line west.

Now I make a decent living. I don't really have too many expenses. how is it that I feel like I can't afford a simple 2 bedroom condo. I will tell you why. Even though housing prices are "falling" they have not fallen to the affordable level yet- i don't know if they ever will. Unless affordable eans spending 300,000 on 900 square feet and no yard.

I think about where I grew up. A nice house- 4 bedrooms- 2 baths- a large yard. I know that the house that I grew up in cost about 100,000. It is now appraised at 700,000. Why? it's the same house. It's in the same crappy town. It's older - I just don't get it. But what I do get is that I want to have a house like that someday.

I grew up in just that one house. There wasn't a "starter house" mentality back in those days. Now I am approaching real estate like a starter house, maybe a middle house and then finally the house that I want.

That is unless I move. Which I am back to debating- though that raises another huge debate. But it does get depressing when this is what 150,000 can get me where I would like to relocate to:
http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=5&mlsttl=&frm=bymap&pgnum=1&mls=xmls&js=on&target=&ct=Durham&st=NC&sbint=&sbls=&sblo=&stype=&areaid=1046&mnsqft=&fid=so&vtsort=&mnprice=150000&mxprice=99999999&mnbed=0&mnbath=0&typ=1&poe=realtor&x=9&y=7&sid=0812678ADDCBC&snumxlid=1066870899&lnksrc=00001

and here is what it gets me here:

http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=31&locallnk=yes&frm=bymap&mnbed=0&mnbath=0&mnprice=0&mxprice=150000&js=off&pgnum=4&fid=so&stype=&mnsqft=&mls=xmls&areaid=1004&poe=realtor&ct=Boston&st=MA&sbint=&vtsort=&sorttype=&typ=1&typ=2&typ=4&x=55&y=4&sid=081268531AFFC&snumxlid=1056409875&lnksrc=00001
just something to think about

new layout

feeling a little bored tonight and started playing around--- here's the new look... do you like it?

just a quick update on me and my life

brother and father hospital update- my brother is doing ok. hopefully released this week. my father is my father. this situation has not been good for the past 3 years. it's probably not going to get any better. dave told me at least i had a chance to say goodbye and in some ways he is right. in ther ways i never had the chance- the father that i knew growing up is long gone and no i din't have the chance to say goodbye. one seizure and he was gone. some days he can remember he had a daughter and some days no. some days i am 6 years old and other days non-existent. no matter what he doesn't know me as i am today. that hurts more than anyone might ever know.

job update- my job is driving me crazy. i am absolutely bored. i've told my boss i need a challenge but i don't know if that has sunk in with her or not as nothing has changed and it has been a while- close to a year.

c. update- i could say more than a few sentences about him and maybe he deserves his own update later on this week. we are together- we are mostly happy- his life is insanely complicated and i still wish that were partly different but at the same time i wouldn't trade him in for anything. if anything it makes me want to hold onto him more.

other updates- i need to start writing more- there has been so much going on. there are stories i wish to tell. there are emotions that i need to sort through. all of it needs time. but generally life is good- complicated but good

Dave, fathers, and friendship

As I have said before there are certain friends in my life that really do just make my life. D or Dave is one of those people

Dave was one of John's friends. Actually he is the person that pushed John to finally get it over with and meet me. Actually he asked me out on a date with John before John did. Never spoke to the boy before in my life yet here he was asking me to meet john at a dinner that all of his friends would be at. We didn't meet that night but met shortly afterward.

I never met Dave until John got sick. I didn't talk to him too much until that point either. But when John got sick Dave was one of the few friends that was ok visiting him in the hospital and even treated him the same way unlike some of his other friends.

I don't remember seeing Dave at the funeral or wake though I know he was there. There were just too many people and I was in an extreme fog. But I do remember signing onto aim about a week after the funeral and Dave immediately said hello. He told me that he hoped that I wouldn't disappear from his life just because John was gone. From that point I knew that we were to have a very special friendship.

We talk every day online. We have helped each other through so much. We have had our fair share of arguments. Lately things haven't been so good between us. I think his relationship has changed him. He thinks that things have changed but can't put a finger on exactly what.

Then on Tuesday I got a text message from him that his father had died. Words can't begin to tell you the sorrow that I feel for him. At the same time it has brought some feelings to the surface for me that make the situation just difficult.

You see about 2 weeks ago my father had a seizure. Tests revealed that another tumor is growing. He is refusing surgery. We just decided last week to enter him into visiting nurses- sliding down the road to hospice care.

I feel so guilty that I have had the last 3 years to patch things over with my father and I am still not ok that he may soon be gone- sooner rather than later. Yet here is my closest friend - more like a brother- who lost his father suddenly on the other side of the world. What I wouldn't give to trade places. To let Dave have a chance to say goodbye and to let myself not watch the misery of death that we know my father is going to experience.

I am not going to the services. I can't watch that happen to my friend. I know that's so selfish of me, but knowing what looms in my future I just can't do it to myself right now. On top of the logistics. The services will be in Brooklyn, the shiva in Staten Island and Connecticut. On top of my father, my brother is in the hospital along with his girlfriend because of a car accident. They both might be released this week but in any case I need to be home right now. Dave doesn't know any of this. I don't want to tell him until after everything is said and done, after he gets home from packing his father's apartment in Korea.

But it must appear to him that I just don't care- when the reality is I care so much. Without Dave I would not have made it I don't think after John's death. He kept me going every day. He still does. I guess the question is how to be there for him without being there- because I can't be there for my best interest.

"you have used John's death to advance your career"

What?!!?!!

One of my coworkers said this to me and also said this to my boss this week. Needless to say I am none too happy at my job right now. But I guess it did give me food for thought

Have I done this somehow? I do work at the cancer center where he was treated, where they gave me time every day to be with him, where my boss turned into one of John's admirers and friends. I do make a ton more money now than I did when he died because my boss keeps promoting me. The doctors all know where I have come from and I believe respect me a little more than they do my colleague. Is that because I have had the opportunity to get to know them on a more personal level- when they helped advise me in John's treatment. My colleagues do know that every year we try to raise a substantial amount of money to go towards this place that he admired so much. My work and my personal life have become entwined but more out of necessity than out of wanting it to.

When this colleague said this to me I was dumbfounded. How could anyone's death bring any good into their life. I was so hurt since it came from someone who started in the office a little more than a year ago. She was not there when everything transpired. Yes I do know that my boss respects me every day for walking through the doors of the place that held so much of my life in their hands at one point. Yes I do know that some of my coworkers continually acknowledge how hard some days can be for me to be at work. But have I used that to my advantage in my career??? I don't really know. Has definitely given me something to think about

unfair

life currently is striking me as incredibly unfair. Not to me in particular but to a lot of people in my life. A widow friend is facing more loss and more illness which strikes me as so unfair to a woman who has been through enough to begin with. a friend from work just lost her husband in almost the same way and amount of time as i did. only she has a 5 year old son. i met with a family at work that has a daughter who is 10 that is terminal that just found out their other daughter who is 13 has just been diagnosed with a different form of cancer- also not good news. an acquaintance of mine just lost her son in a car accident- at 19. Honestly how much is too much? and when can we say that life is unfair?

from day one i have tried to say that everything that happened in my life is fair. that it was god's will. but how exactly can this all be god's will. I just can't fathom it

a weighty topic

Another year....another diet.... back to weight watchers I go.

It feels like there hasn't been a single day of my life that I haven't struggled with my weight. When I was younger-overweight. When I was a teenager - eating disorder central. As an adult- back to overweight-- actually in technical terms- obese.

When I hear that word it makes me want to throw up.

Obese- sounds like a pig. And sometimes I do feel like I qualify as that. The thing is no one can ever guess how much I weigh. They know I am overweight but not to the extreme that I am. Let's just say at this point I could lose around 100 pounds and be in the normal range for my height and age. Strange that years ago I was about 60 pounds underweight.

Now I have come to realize that I need to lose this weight- not 100 pounds--- more like 70 (oh yeah cause that sounds any better?!!) Why do I need to lose this weight? Not because I want to be a twig. Not because I want to attract a man (have one who likes me just the way I am- thank goodness) But because I want to live.

I think I hid in food from the moment John died. Not unhealthy food and not necessarily too much of it- just the wrong food. But now I want to come out of hiding. I want to be able to have a life, have children one day, be healthy enough to run with them or even just run around now with some friends. I need to do this. I need to stick with it. So far so good- 3 pounds gone- now only 67 more to go ( now that sounds better than 70!)