There's an article in Oprah magazine for June that has really got me thinking.... mainly because the person Martha Beck describes is a combination of both me and C.
The article is about falling... falling in love, falling in intimacy.. and being totally frightened by it.
I realized very early on that I was so afraid to open my heart again. To allow myself to feel anything even resembling love. All these months later (a year this weekend) I know i am in love. Did I allow myself to fall... definitely not. Should I have... possibly. As the author explains when you allow yourself to fall then you truly feel. I know I am overprotective of myself. Too much pain, too much hurt... don't want to experience any more heartbreak... at least not willingly. C. is much the same way. Very guarded about his feelings- about being in love. about letting himself fall. We are two tarnished people.
the article says bad idea #1 about taking the lover's leap is guarding your heart. that you have to feel in order to feel. and it's a perfect concept. i completely understand it. i also completely can't buy into it. maybe this heart's been through too much.
the writer also says that when you think about the concept of someone dying you treasure them even more. i think any non-widowed person thinks this. the widowed person instead says, "I treasure them. I lived each moment with them. I held them I loved them. It still didn't stop the horror from happening." I treasure C. I love him. I love who I am with him. I know he is a wonderful man. But there is always still going to be a part of me that knows that holding him close, treasuring him, feeling blessed because of him does not change that one day he could be gone. Of course we live each moment and breathe each moment I think it's just different knowing that as much as you live life you can't choose when it's over.
do you think walking cautiously into love can still have the same effect as falling in love? i sure hope so. I don't know if I will ever fall in love again. I think my heart will always be guarded. I think my mind will always say be careful, be careful- don't give yourself away 100%, save a tiny tiny portion as backup
i can't say i hate that feeling but i can say i don't know if anyone but the widows will understand.