the end

well the end has finally come to a very dear friendship- one that i treasured but in the end proved not worth fighting for by the other party. amazing that for so long he pushed me to have a voice and when i finally did speak my voice he didn't like what i had to say. i will miss d. terribly-and can only hope that one day i open my phone to find a text from him.

what amazes me most after all the loss that we as people have endured- a new loss of a different kind can hurt just as much

however i guess there comes a point and after months of the silent treatment for speaking my mind i have finally had enough.

after all life is too short to live in silence.

yesterday C and I celebrated one year of being together. Although work schedules on both mine and his part made it impossible to see each other this weekend (gotta love budget season with a new software system) we are both fully aware of what this day meant. For me it has been 365 days of mostly smiles and laughter. he has added to my life and i can't picture my life at the present without him in it. i love him more and more every day and have no fears we will be celebrating in the near future. Of all the horrible dates and questionable encounters I had post-widow boy am I ever glad I went to the fatgirldance
:)

the art of falling

There's an article in Oprah magazine for June that has really got me thinking.... mainly because the person Martha Beck describes is a combination of both me and C.

The article is about falling... falling in love, falling in intimacy.. and being totally frightened by it.

I realized very early on that I was so afraid to open my heart again. To allow myself to feel anything even resembling love. All these months later (a year this weekend) I know i am in love. Did I allow myself to fall... definitely not. Should I have... possibly. As the author explains when you allow yourself to fall then you truly feel. I know I am overprotective of myself. Too much pain, too much hurt... don't want to experience any more heartbreak... at least not willingly. C. is much the same way. Very guarded about his feelings- about being in love. about letting himself fall. We are two tarnished people.

the article says bad idea #1 about taking the lover's leap is guarding your heart. that you have to feel in order to feel. and it's a perfect concept. i completely understand it. i also completely can't buy into it. maybe this heart's been through too much.

the writer also says that when you think about the concept of someone dying you treasure them even more. i think any non-widowed person thinks this. the widowed person instead says, "I treasure them. I lived each moment with them. I held them I loved them. It still didn't stop the horror from happening." I treasure C. I love him. I love who I am with him. I know he is a wonderful man. But there is always still going to be a part of me that knows that holding him close, treasuring him, feeling blessed because of him does not change that one day he could be gone. Of course we live each moment and breathe each moment I think it's just different knowing that as much as you live life you can't choose when it's over.

do you think walking cautiously into love can still have the same effect as falling in love? i sure hope so. I don't know if I will ever fall in love again. I think my heart will always be guarded. I think my mind will always say be careful, be careful- don't give yourself away 100%, save a tiny tiny portion as backup

i can't say i hate that feeling but i can say i don't know if anyone but the widows will understand.

Yesterday I got a package in the mail from my mother. My mother. The woman who I have not spoken to in at least a year and haven't seen in 7 years. My mother.

The things that exist between us are too much to get past. And yes I know life is short and yes I do miss her but no it isn't worth the emotional turmoil that having her in my life would cost me.

So I open the package to find a ruby and diamond ring. Very pretty. Very me.

I decide to pick up the phone

Dial the number and hear it has been disconnected.

What kind of daughter doesn't know their own mother's phone number?

you're looking at her and words cannot describe how horrible a feeling it is.

A few thoughts:



C. is an amazing man. I love him more than I tell him. He has brought a piece of me to the surface that makes me so happy. I picture a future with him. I picture a baby with him. I picture a life with him. How amazing is that??



Today at work I was given a service award for 5 years of service. Technically it's 6 next week. Time has definitely flown by. I am lucky to most days have a job that i like, have a boss that I love, and actually have a good time at work. I am also incredibly lucky to work for an organization that takes the time to recognize its employees. Not to mention the little blue box that my gift came in that every woman loves to see....





This baby, brennan, has brought a new joy into my life. I don't have any friends that have children. He is the first and I honestly can't wait to see him again. I can't wait to old him again. I just can't wait for so many things. I wish his father would realize the beauty he is missing out on but am so blessed to be able to love this little man.






Loving life. Very busy. But loving it. Never would have thought 3 years ago that that statement would be possible There is hope along this widow road. For me it has come in the people that enrich my life. Still having issues with some "friends" but maybe it will be sorted out, maybe it won't. At this point I know that my life is full. That I am blessed. That I am loved. That I feel love. Anything is possible. Everything is possible. How amazing is that

There is so much I could write about and in time I think I will. Tonight though I just need to sleep.

One thought to leave with.... Brennan was born in the same hospital that John died in. I love the fact that I can now walk by that place every day and have such a beautiful moment in my mind instead of the one I have been carrying with me for the past 3 years. God is good and I feel very blessed.