identity

recently there have been situations in my life which have brought up a large question. Do people have to lose themselves as part of being a part of a we.

My answer has always been no. I want to be who I am in my life whether there is another person in it or not. I don't want to be a person who is just a part of a couple and doesn't have an individual identity. I never have. If i have to lose myself to be with a person then that's not the right person for me. Of course I understand that part of being in a relationship means that you add to your personality with this other personality. I jsut don't think that you adopt that person's whole identity as your own. I still want to think for myself, make my own decisions, have what I have always had as important in my life still retain its significance. I don't want to lose me in becoming a we.

One of the things that I love most about c. is that he values this immensely. Not only does he want me to be who I am- he wants me to figure out my identity a little more. He pushes me to find what I truly value in my life, understands that it is still a work in progress and will always be, and believes that only when we bring who we are to the table as individuals can we truly become who we want to be as a couple.

I have always had people in my life that also value this. I don't have friends who need to spend every minute with their significant others. They are their own people, think thier own way, belive in their own beliefs and values and opinions. Even when they get married they retain their identities. That is at least until lately.

I am having a very hard time watching a few friends lose themselves completely in relationships. Everything that was important in their lives suddenly has no value. They no longer spend time as individuals but instead have adopted every part of their so's personalities as well as being attached at the hip to the person. It's not that their so's are bad people at all- at the same time it's so hard to watch anyone become someone that they are not. It's also hard to still stay a part of a person's life when they aren't who you thought they were. It's something I really am having a hard time with.

I just don't want to ever become like that. I guess it's a case of personal preference. It's how stubborn I am in my life that I won't say that of course if I am with C. I have to spend all of my time with him and believe in everything he does and if he doesn't value the friends in my life than tough luck to them. I think there is a middle ground. I definitely don't have the perfect relationship- we struggle with a lot of things- but at the same time I am still me. I'm still catholic, republican (i know i know such a travesty especially with who we have as president), i put my friends high up on my priority list, i love to volunteer, i believe in the good in people. that's my identity. Im proud of it- and too proud to change it for anyone. What i don't get is why people would. If the person wants to change you- or control you- or cause you to lose yourself then how can they be the best person for you.