Dave, fathers, and friendship

As I have said before there are certain friends in my life that really do just make my life. D or Dave is one of those people

Dave was one of John's friends. Actually he is the person that pushed John to finally get it over with and meet me. Actually he asked me out on a date with John before John did. Never spoke to the boy before in my life yet here he was asking me to meet john at a dinner that all of his friends would be at. We didn't meet that night but met shortly afterward.

I never met Dave until John got sick. I didn't talk to him too much until that point either. But when John got sick Dave was one of the few friends that was ok visiting him in the hospital and even treated him the same way unlike some of his other friends.

I don't remember seeing Dave at the funeral or wake though I know he was there. There were just too many people and I was in an extreme fog. But I do remember signing onto aim about a week after the funeral and Dave immediately said hello. He told me that he hoped that I wouldn't disappear from his life just because John was gone. From that point I knew that we were to have a very special friendship.

We talk every day online. We have helped each other through so much. We have had our fair share of arguments. Lately things haven't been so good between us. I think his relationship has changed him. He thinks that things have changed but can't put a finger on exactly what.

Then on Tuesday I got a text message from him that his father had died. Words can't begin to tell you the sorrow that I feel for him. At the same time it has brought some feelings to the surface for me that make the situation just difficult.

You see about 2 weeks ago my father had a seizure. Tests revealed that another tumor is growing. He is refusing surgery. We just decided last week to enter him into visiting nurses- sliding down the road to hospice care.

I feel so guilty that I have had the last 3 years to patch things over with my father and I am still not ok that he may soon be gone- sooner rather than later. Yet here is my closest friend - more like a brother- who lost his father suddenly on the other side of the world. What I wouldn't give to trade places. To let Dave have a chance to say goodbye and to let myself not watch the misery of death that we know my father is going to experience.

I am not going to the services. I can't watch that happen to my friend. I know that's so selfish of me, but knowing what looms in my future I just can't do it to myself right now. On top of the logistics. The services will be in Brooklyn, the shiva in Staten Island and Connecticut. On top of my father, my brother is in the hospital along with his girlfriend because of a car accident. They both might be released this week but in any case I need to be home right now. Dave doesn't know any of this. I don't want to tell him until after everything is said and done, after he gets home from packing his father's apartment in Korea.

But it must appear to him that I just don't care- when the reality is I care so much. Without Dave I would not have made it I don't think after John's death. He kept me going every day. He still does. I guess the question is how to be there for him without being there- because I can't be there for my best interest.