withdrawal

i haven't felt much like talking to anyone lately. just am going through the motions of living. not living well but making it. i know all of this family stuff has taken a toll on me. it's just getting harder every day instead of easier which makes every day a nightmare. i have begun to wonder how much pain and suffering any person will witness in their lives. feeling like i have already witnessed more than i feel capable of handling. ever watch a late stage alzhimers patient? that is my father every day for the past 3years but it is finally taking its toll on me. because he isn't going anywhere. there are still years and years most likely ahead of this confusion in his brain where he no longer knows anyone yet knows that they have a reason to be in his life. it's not alzheimers and he can function daily and i suppose i should be grateful for that but how much does it mean to have a family when the family doesn't know that you are family?

so i feel the need to withdraw. my 3 year mark is coming up swiftly. more so the reminders of the most painful days of my life are ahead of me. i feel like the only place that i can really talk is here so i will probably be doing that a lot more in the near future. i hope you will bear with me.