the pearls

Have I ever told you how thoughtful and just plain romantic John was. He truly was an old fashioned romantic. So it disturbed him greatly that he couldn't surprise me with my engagement ring. He had to shop for it online instead of in a store because he was housebound. I saw it when he found it online because he couldn't keep it to himself and he needed me to find his credit card. So not the surprise he wanted all his life.

But he made up for it on valentine's day 2004. He kept saying to me I needed to find a black dress. Find a new black dress. He teased me over and over again. So I went shopping one night and bought a dress I knew he would love- low cut and short- what more could a man want. I figure we were going to try to go out to dinner or maybe have it delivered in and he wanted to feel normal. Of course I would play along. Anything to make him feel like himself at a time when he was anything but.

So I get to his house and he's dressed up in a shirt and tie with his oxygen tubes and his catheter. It was the first time he wasn't in pajamas in 2 months. We sat down to a wonderful italian carry out dinner. And I figured this was my surprise - and what a wonderful gift it was. To see him in his element and happy as a clam that he had pulled one off on me.

Dinner was over. We were curled up on the couch watching a movie. He pulled a little box out from behind his back and said, "I think this is the perfect accessory for that dress." I opened the box and there was a beautiful pair of pearl and diamond earrings. Just the right size pearl with a little diamond attached. They were gorgeous. And somehow in that moment I fell in love with him again- not that we weren't completely in love but just for one minute it didn't feel like I was marrying a terminally ill cancer patient.

Later on that night we were lying in his bed. Something that his mother never permitted as I was supposed to sleep in the guest room. But that night was special and she said as long as I went to bed at some point of course we could curl up in his room- otherwise known as the dining room- in his hospital bed. SO there we were- me ever so cautiously trying not to anger his mother by wearing a cute little black cami and these black satin pajama pants with little red and pink hearts on them. John said he thought that even though I looked content something was still missing. He leaned over to his nightstand, opened his drawer, and pulled out a larger box with a big pink ribbon on it. I opened it to find a gorgeous strand of pearls to match the earrings. I was so surprised. He had pulled off the complete romantic gesture. He was so proud of himself for completely surprising me.

A month later I was even more surprised to be wearing those pearls to his funeral.

3 years and 5 months later I packaged those pearls up and lent them out today.

You see one of John's closest friends is getting married in October and today was her wedding shower. I am in the wedding. I am fully aware that I am only in this wedding as a way to honor him and his presence in her life. So for about a month now I have been grappling with what to give her as an appropriate shower gift. About a week ago I figured out that the best thing to give her would be a gift from him.

So today after all the presents had been opened (don't worry- she also got one of her place settings and a spa gift card from me), and after most of the guests had left I pulled her aside and gave her a card. Then I gave her the pearls. Then she broke down and so did I.

For in this romantic time of her life she misses her "big brother". The person that would have told her how proud he was of her and how happy he was for her. And I had put that in the card.
She said that she had thought of him this morning while waiting for the guests. That life still doesn't feel complete without him there. And that she knows she will feel a void on her wedding day. But then that card and those pearls changed that feeling- for now she has a piece of him to be with her then.

I can't begin to tell you how good today felt. Those pearls might have been the best thing he ever gave me. They brought him so much joy in giving them to me and today I felt that same sense of joy. For just one moment life was perfect. He will somehow be with her on her wedding day. For now that is enough. Those pearls- the biggest surprise he ever pulled off- the most romantic gesture of them all will be part of the most romantic and happiest day of her life. For just one moment everything felt perfect again.