things that weren't supposed to happen

i'm not supposed to be outliving him- at least not at 30

wednesday is my birthday and it's a big one and i am having a hard time with it. not for the reasons most of my friends are thinking. it's another year - big freaking deal. i am happy in most things in my life. everything is falling into place in my personal life and my job life.

but

john was diagnosed on his 30th birthday. he was dead 3 months later.


more than likely in 3 months and 5 days i will have outlived him. he was 3+ years older than me. i was not supposed to catch up to him.

and i hate it.

i just wish that i could stop thinking about the person that is missing in my life and just focus on who is there. but sometimes it's just so hard

now is one of those times.

happy birthday to me.