Wednesday, March 07, 2007

enough

when i was little i used to believe that love was enough. that would cure anything and solve anything. maybe because i was largely unloved most of my childhood and thought that would cure it all.

as i got older i thought maybe love and nurturing would do the trick. that would solve my problems if people cared about me enough to both love me and guide me the all of the problems would just disappear

as a teenager i thought that love and nurturing and companionship would be enough. after all how could a person feel alone if they were with someone. or at least the problems that seemed so big could be fought as a team

as a college student i thought that love, nurturing, companionship, and motivation would be enough. that if i strove for answers i would find them. if i was ambitious enough then maybe the ever elusive love would find me.

it did as a young adult- all of those things finally fell into place- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, and strength. i found them all in one person. and for one split second there was nothing that couldn't be handled. nothing that couldn't be solved and nothing too far out of reach. and after that split second my world shattered and he was gone. and with him he took all of those things plus the newly discovered happiness.

and then i found that i had love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strength, and happiness within myself. they were just buried out of reach. they were sinking further and further into the quicksand of my being. and one person- one person helped me find all of that and dig them out. and to that dave added trust. that it would be enough-- love, nurturing, companionship, motivation, strenth, happiness, and trust would be enough to solve everything.

for two and a half years it took all the patience in the world to believe that i would one day feel all those things. that they were within reach- that it wasn't just the split second with john that i could feel that completeness. that it could be mine if i just had patience everything would be ok.

and it is.

for the second time in my life i feel loved, nurtured, motivated, strong, happy, trustful, and patient. i also feel lucky... so incredibly lucky. the problems aren't solved. they might never be. i will always come from an unstable family with a chaotic background but somehow they don't matter as much. C. has brought all of this into my life. at the same time there is a list of things that he has also given me on top of all of this. he makes me laugh every day. he makes me smile. he lets me cry. he understands when no one else does.

it is enough.

everything is ok.

it really and truly is.

and this time even if something happens where it all falls apart in another split second i finally have the courage to put it all back together again

these men- john, dave, and cleo (C) have taught me the value of myself, that everything i will ever need is within myself

and it is enough.

2 comments:

b said...

nicely said.

Alicia said...

Wonderful.