what's mine is never truly just mine

ever since john died i feel like my life has been on public display. every move... every decision... every breath that i take feels like it is public knowledge. as many times as i have requested that i not be a topic of discussion among our friends i find out that i am.

today was the latest time that i have found out anything and it is still upsetting me. a few of my friends know about c. he has only met r. he has not met any of the friends that were john's and are now mine... but some of them do know about him. today i find out that k. and m. have been discussing the fact that they don't think he is the right person for me with our other friends.

there are so many things that are so wrong about this and upset me so much. first of all it's none of their business. this is my life and these are my choices and being with c. has been such a wonderful experience so far. they try to pass it off as concern- they don't want me to be hurt.... they don't want me to put myself out there so much...blah...blah... blah.... I think that what it truly boils down to is that they think that he isn't right for me because there are a lot of differences between us. he's black, divorced, 42, and has a child. I know that there has been discussion about all of this and it drives me fricking crazy. He's a terrific guy, who actually cares about me, understands about john, is a fabulous father, and just an all around decent person who makes me happy. but none of that counts for anything.

i want my life back. the one where i was able to be in a relationship and people didn't talk about it. the one where i wasn't worried every 3 seconds that people were talking or that i was the topic of the day. yes john died. yes it sucks- more than they will ever know. yes i have made mistakes since he died. but no i am not going to go jump off a bridge, run off to vegas and get married, or decide to adopt 14 children from china. so give me my freaking life back and leave me the hell alone!!!