father's day

today is father's day. a day to honor our fathers- whther they are our birth fathers or those people in our lives that have filled that spot- giving guidance, encouragement, and whatever else we need.

i have a father. one who i do love very much. but also one who wasn't exactly the best dad a person could wish for. i had a very tumultuous upbringing. abusive, argument-ridden, and just plain nasty at times. i basically ran away to college- no longer wanting to be anywhere near my parents-who at the time were getting divorced- a very nasty divorce. i was no longer speaking to my father and hardly speaking to my mother. this was my life up until novemeber 9th 2003.

on that day the phone rang quite early in the morning. it was my brother. my father was in the hospital. he had a brain tumor. inoperable. they'd be there in an hour to take me to the hospital .the drs said he had less than 24 hours to live.

how do you stand at the bedside of a person who you should feel so much for in your life to say goodbye- when in your heart you're not that sad at all. there were many times of hurt and sadness in my life and that moment was just not one of them.

we managed to get him moved to a better hospital in boston the following day where one of the worlds leading menangioma surgeons operated on him. after a few more surgeries he is well today and happy.

our relationship is very weird to some people but works for us. the drs had told me that the tumor was so large that it had been growing for about 20 years- and during that time he probably wasn't really the person that he wanted to be. it altered his personality and his moods. i feel like over the past 3 years i have gotten to know the father that i missed out on growing up. no i have not forgotten what happened in my past- but i forgive him and we are fairly close. i don't see him often- maybe once or twice a year- but we talk every week and he has become a great strength in my life. so today he is one of many people who i honor

i also honor john's dad- who was truly a wonderful father to his son- and is a great father figure to me. i can't imagine the pain in losing a child. he has lost both of his. yet he has taken me under his wing as his own. the support he has given me in all kinds of circumstances amazes me every time i think about it. this man that has lost so much never really dwells on what he has lost but on how to contribute to the lives of his "kids". both me and his 3 stepsons.

i also honor the man i am dating-c. he is honestly one of the best fathers i have ever encountered. he spends as much time as possible with his daughter. he puts her first- loves her with everything he has and truly treasures his time with her. it's such a great thing for me to see. and i truly honor the commitment that has has made to her.

so on this day where we are to honor our fathers i honor all the ones that have touched my life. i also mourn the one that i wished had a chance to become the wonderful father i knew he could be. i also honor all of those that are serving dual roles in their kids lives right now. every day they amaze me and their kids are so lucky to have them.