on the eve of 29

28 was a challenging year. full of so many ups and downs there are too many to count.

the unknown was so frightening when it came to my health but at the same time it gave me new strength- newfound faith in my firendships- and assurance in my will to live.

the struggles of grief have lessened- though at the same time when they hit they hit harder. i miss him and always will. but this year it's different. i don't know if i miss my love so much as i miss my best friend. this year brought the day i could no longer hear his voice in my head- but also brought the day that i could genuinely laugh and feel joy at many of my memories.

this newfound contentment in my life has been such a blessing- not only c. but the ease of living. of moving through each day and actually feel like i am living and not just going through the motions.

29 was the last year that john was "healthy" (i know now that wasn't truly the case but we didn't know that then) It was such a happy year- so much fun- so many nice times- the year we got engaged. Part of me feels so strange to be turning this corner. part of me knows that i will more than likely outlive him and it will happen sooner rather than later. i think that's what scares me most about 29. i don't like the feeling of catching up to him as it was never supposed to happen- but yet here it is.

for the first time in about 15 years i am actually excited about my birthday. i have a good day at work planned. i have a nice night with c. to look forward to. i am actually alive again and i can honestly feel the joy in my life.