chapter 2

For a long time now i feel like i have been starting on my chapter 2. The continuation of me. Tonight I feel like it has actually begun.

The prologue of my life can be summed up in one word- fear. Fear that the bedroom door would open and only hurt and pain would be on the other side. I was always afraid to close my eyes because I would know that he was coming to hurt me. Fear that I was never going to be enough for my parents. That I could never please them. That even straight A's, not getting into any trouble, having a strong faith, would never be enough. Fear of the unknown- of where I was going to run to, what I would become, who I would be. Fear of being me. Fear of not succeeding, of not pushing myself enough, of only having myself to rely on in my life. Fear of loving beacuse only hurt awaited me.

Chapter 1 was discovery. Opening my eyes to a new world full of surprises. That I was capable of not only being liked for who I was but loved for who I was. Discovering new talents- that dancing wasn't the only thing I was good at. Discovering what it is like to be independent and responsible for every aspect of life. Discovering a love that was so deep that sometimes the fear came rushing back but wanting to learn more pushed it aside. Discovering true friendships because I had let go of most of the fear. Discovering the person I knew I wanted to be with forever. Discovering that where I worked would turn into the place where I wanted to be as well as the place I wanted to run away from. Discovering that cancer not only happened to strangers in the elevator but also to the person that held my heart in his hand. Discovering that there will never be enough "I love you's" to sustain a lifetime. Discovering forgiveness for past hurts and mistakes. Discovering the worst words aren't that he has cancer but that there's nothing they can do. Discovering that love truly does endure all things. Discovering an inner strength that I had never believed in until I had to rely on it because my source of outer strength was gone. Discovering that loving and living don't have to end. That life is a gift that should not be taken for granted. Discovering not only did I want to open my heart again it was ready to be opened. Finding a new me. A stronger me. A more confident me but also a me that will never forget where it has been.

I think Chapter 2's theme might be Joy. Joy in living. Joy in uncovering true friendships. Joy in waking to a new day and accepting that it is a new day and not just a repeat of the pain of yesterday. Joy in opening myself up to the fear and unknown of the future without having to relive the fears of my past. Joy in memories. In being able to remember the happier moments more often than the nightmares. Joy in who I have become. In what I have accomplished. Of making it through the worst time in my life and actually making it. Joy in another's arms. Joy in a future that is still so up in the air but that makes me eager to wake up each day. Joy... in only what is just beginning.