the other woman

With advanced apologies to those with children....

I never realized how hard it was going to be to date a man with a child. There. I said it. I admit to the fact that it is extremely difficlut on both me and him. I know some of what is running through his head- but I view this as a chance to explain what is running through mine. To get it all out there and then hopefully feel a little release.

C. has a daughter who is 8. Just turned 8 not too long ago. She is her daddy's girl. The joy of his life. The reason he pushes himself so hard- to make sure she never wants for anything. I try to be very understanding of the fact that she will always come first in his life. But sometimes.... well sometimes I can't help but wish I did.

How wrong is it to be jealous of an 8 year old? Probably extremely bad of me but at this particular moment I really am. There is not a written custody agreement- c.and his ex have worked very hard at seeing what is best for M. and try to let C. spend as much time with her as possible. Lately that has meant 5 or so nights a week and most weekends. Which means that C. feels so pulled in too many directions. We are still in an early stage of relationship and to me that means we need to spend time together- for him it does too- but he can't find the time to do that.

but it really isn't just that-it isn't just that he spends tikme with M. it's that when he's not spending time with her he's trying to find ways to support her. And worries about her constantly and won't let me meet her yet because he feels it is too soon....

so with all of the juggling that has gone on the past few weeks i went into meltdown mode last night.... i had been away for the weekend visiting my friend d. and his girlfriend n. they asked me if we could get together in october for a double date in providence to go to a concert. I knew immediately that C. wouldn't be able to go- but asked anyway... and of course I was right. He can't-- it's a school night (he teaches) in providence, he will be not only teaching at a high school but also at 2 colleges in the fall, on top of his own business, on top of trying to be the best dad he can be. Just so hard to realize in 3 months he is not going to have any more time for me as he does right now. In fact he will have less.

I don't know if it's the fact that he has so many more responsibilities than me, the fact that it's so different of a life than what me and my friends lead- that we up and go at every opportunity that we can. That other relationships around me the only thing going on is their 40 hour a week job and their relationship and that's it and with C. it is so much more. Not all of it is M. There's a lot to work out--- but he is so worth it. People tell me that they can't believe how happy I am. I know I am. I know that he is the best thing that has happened in my life in a very long time. I know that I like his daughter already .I just need to feel like I am not always the one being juggled.....