i am still in a good place- really i am. am happy and laughing more often than not. just have had time to think a little about my place in life and am facing a few things that i just don't like about myself
first and foremost i am jealous. jealous that all of my friends can believe that the worst won't happen in their lives. that they have faith in their relationships and in the reality that is being in your late 20's.
i am living my life waiting for the next bomb to drop- after all it has for the past-- oh i don't know 10 years- been my way of life. so as much happiness i feel right now i keep holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing.
between the abuse, the rape, finding out i probably can't have kids, being kicked out, having e. die, having my father sick, having john sick and then die, having to go through treatments myself -- i feel like when does it stop and why can't i just be "normal"
why can't i just trust that c. will be there, that he is here, that i really am healthy--- i just don't and then i get so angry that other people just assume that of course people will be there in life. that hasn't been my experience. mine is love em and then be ready for them to be gone. it all just sucks sometimes.
sorry i am such a jumble of thoughts--- it's been a rough week
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1 comment:
(((hugs)))
Not much more to say than that.
"Life" really is unfair; it seems that some folks get hit with all the hard stuff while others breeze on through. I don't think I'll ever understand that.
All we can do is muddle through as best we can, and if by chance we catch a break... accept and thank the universe for being kind for a change.
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