meltdown

So this weekend my good friend D. and his girlfriend N. were visiting from CT. On Monday we had gone to a bbq-and then out for ice cream with a bunch of people. We went to Waltham to Lizzy's. While we were in there I realized I had been there before.... i had been there with John... it was actually our last date out... where i had tried to convince him to go see a dr. but he wouldn't listen to me. He didn't go for another 6 weeks (yes I saw him during that time- but we were mostly hanging out at home due to all of the pain he was in and not wanting to drive anywhere). I managed to hold it together on Monday until we got back to the house where the BBQ was at- I said that I would be in in a minute-- and then proceeded to completely lose it....

How could I have forgotten where our last date was? Why didn't I try harder that night- or just take him to the ER myself? Have I gotten too lost in my new relationship- am I trying to forget about John? Why didn't I remember? Why is he gone? Is it ok to feel that I am as happy or happier now than I was with him?

I am on an extreme guilt trip and somehow need to get off of this road.....