the walk

the time has come to start getting serious about the walk. every year i organize a team to walk in john's memory for the jimmy fund. we walk the boston marathon route and have a great time. this year all the money that we as a team will raise will hopefully go towards the pediatric patient assistance fund. it's hard to come up to the minimum needed to redirect but hopefully we will be able to do it.

the first year the walk was on the 6th month mark. it was a very hard day for me. john's father and stepmother and stepbrother came to town to do the walk and to meet baby henry. the anxiety of seeing them carried me through the first 13 miles but then it all hit me. why were we walking in john's memory... why the hell wasn't he here doing this with us. the year before he had wanted to do the walk with me but had a family commitment. the year before that he was as upset as i was that i was too sick to walk.

after wellesley that year i started to fall apart. couldn't turn my mind off- couldn't focus and just really struggled. my roomate was on the route with m e that year and knew that i couldn't finish it was just too hard emotionally for me. she called her boyfriend and he came and picked us up and i went home and crashed. met up with everyone at the finish line and put on a brave face but inside my heart was broken.

last year was a much better expperience. walked the route partially by myself and then with dave and jeff. we shared memories of john and stories of him and just talked about life. it went by in a blur but i felt stronger than i had in a really long time.

this year i am looking for that strength. it's been a very trying time to have to turn into a patient at the farber myself and also have two close friends battling cancer as well. i know that it will be a good time again as we cross that finish line. this year somehow it just feels different. by that point i should be in the all clear as will e. and c. so much to be grateful for. so much still missing. but the journey continues onward until i reach my own finish line. i know john would be proud of what we are doing and what we have accomplished. so far about $50,000 towards a great cause-- hopefully another $10,000 this year. he made a difference in my life and this is my way of making a difference.