the difference

technically i am not a widow- i was only engaged to john. we never got legally married. we were married in our religion but that's it. i don't know that it's any harder or easier than being a technical widow but it definitely is different.

this was made very clear to me in my adventures in online dating. they ask you in the questionarries about your "status". i always feel like i am hiding something when i click single-but we were never married technically so then i feel weird clicking widowed. i wish there was an other box. i feel like i fit into the "other" category.

of course this isn't the only time when the difference is obvious... however it is usually the only time that i feel like i am witholding something.

and when i think about it i do regret not legally marrying john. everything was so complicated at the time. i had my father sick as well as john and was financially responsible for a portion of his care. i didn't know if i could make the life support decisions so that me and john's mother wouldn't have ended up in court. there were other reasons as well but those were the 2 huge ones.

now a little more than two years later i think i would have still made the same decision-even though i do regret it. knowing that we would have never had the life that either one of us wanted with each other would still stop me every time.

there are lots of differences between being widowed and being single. in the end though a lot of the hurt and a lot of the emotions are the same. there's someone missing. there's a new you to discover. and there are memories that you will never be made. too bad there's not just a box for broken hearted. i bet that one would fit both categories.