Wednesday, May 03, 2006
the hole- and how to crawl out
ever get the feeling that you know you just want to give up-- that all this effort of trying to live - and live past this and through this has just gotten to be too much and all you want to do is crawl in a hole and hide until it all just disappears. that is where i am today. the pressure is so great some days to just be normal- to be 28 and carefree and happy. in reality i am 28 have a million worries and am a freak because i am a widow. well techinically i am not even that-- i am just a person with a broken heart. so today i have crawled into that bubble- i took the day off and haven't gotten out of bed all day. i can't really eplain what's wrong except to say that i miss him- us- the team that we were and could have been. i can't hear his voice anymore, the memories that i have are vivid but distant at the same time. half the time i almost feel like the 2 years that i knew him were just a dream- that they didn't really happen. maybe that's what i wish for. would it be so horrible to wish he wasn't a part of my life- i kind of feel like if he hadn't met me he'd still be here. i brought him his bad luck. somehow i blame myself. and i know that not right or anything scientific but it helps a little to feel blame. otherwise what the hell happened to such a vibrant, young and healthy man.