dance like no one is watching

dancing has always been part of my life...or at least as long as i can remember. almost for 26 years. now i only tap dance and i know to most people that sounds funny. what grown adult takes tap classes? but for me it is my weekly release and my way to come home to myself. it's where i am most comfortable and where i will admit to being good at something. and i am good at it.

since i started dancing in boston i have gotten to know a bunch of wonderful people. i treasure them greatly. but it struck me the other day how absolutely unlucky we have been. i think i have been dancing in this place for about 5 years now and i got to know these women fairly quickly. over the past two and a half years- i lost john, e. was diagnosed with cancer, c.'s house burnt down the same week john died, l.'s niece died ,and m has gone through various relationships. through all of this though we keep tapping. once a week we get together with whoever else is in the class and use the excuse of dancing to see each other. we all enjoy dancing but for us it is so much more.

but maybe that is why i keep dancing- because it has always been so much more. even when i was younger my dance classes were the time i got to show off for my parents and have them to myself. or the drives to and from dance classes when i was a little older were when my brother explained the world to me and i got to spend time with him before he went to college. in high school it was my escape- by that point i danced or taught 5 days a week and then there were competitions and performances and rehearsals. it kept me out of the house that i was miserable in and away from my parents who were always fighting. i even kept dancing when john was sick as much as i could. it was my chance to be normal and feel like myself even though my world was spinning out of control. and then when he died i went back to dancing right away because i knew that going back to the studio would allow me to be me. that i could fall apart around my friends there and everything would be ok or if i felt like dancing i would. and dance i did.

now when i dance i have more fun- i even look at myself in the mirror which i never used to do. we have a performance coming up and i might even invite some friends. i never dance in front of people anymore since now i dance for me- for the sheer love of it and for the enjoyment it gives me. but part of me wants to share this me with people. for me the studio is my home and dancing is my first great love. it has helped me through all kinds of things and brought me so much happiness. i hope that this love lasts a lifetime