dreams

an undeniable sadness has washed over me. there are really no words to describe how sad a new year has made me. it feels impossible that it's the second year john will not have taken a breath in. yet i still feel him every day. some days i hate that. most though i cherish it. it's what keeps me going. but i still wonder why and why him. it will never make any sense to me. i'm very proud of myself for making it this far and for making the choices and decisions i have.... at the same time so incredibly sad that those decisions have had to be made. 2006- he wanted to go to the olympics in italy this year. he had so many plans for his life that never came to being. so many that few people knew about. i don't know if it is better to have known or not. some days i wish i didn't know what his dreams were- then i wouldn't feel the pain of not having them come true. at the same time i have taken on some of his own dreams to be my own and for that i am grateful. just wish he was here to achieve them himself.