Christmas

This year i had the best christmas i have had in a really long time. i had a nice christmas with john in 03- but still that was in the hospital and sad and stressful. i wouldn't trade that one for the world but at the same time it didn't feel like a real christmas. this year i spent christmas with katie and rob. it was so nice. the tree, the church services, the traditional stuff. everything that i have missed for such a long time. when i was little christmas was my favorite holiday but after years of spending it alone i started to dread it. then i had the one christmas with john. no dread of the day itself but a fear that he wouldn't live to see the next one. and then that fear came true. last year i spent the day in tears for the things i missed and the person i missed more. this year there were a few tears but many more smiles and much more joy. i actually felt part of something for the first time in a very long time and it felt really good. i am incredibly lucky to have friends that welcomed me into their home and into their lives for such a special time. i know that their time together is very precious and i really am grateful that they let me share in that. i always thought that christmas was a time for making memories and this year i have made many.