Christmas and other mentionables

So Christmas came and went, 3rd Christmas without him, first one with C. I have to admit it's the first holiday that I have thoroughly looked forward to. It did not disappoint. Saw C. Christmas eve- spent Christmas day alone. Honestly it's not as bad as it sounds, I promise. Saw my family the next day. All in all was a nice time.

I think that the more time goes by the more that I feel that life is making me happier and happier. Yes there are challenges every day. Yes sometimes i honestly cannot breathe bcause of the pain certain memories cause me. Yes I still come almost close to hyperventilating when someone I care about has to go to the Dr's and tests are ordered and I don't think any of those feelings will ever go away.

So here we approach 2007. 3 months until 3 years. on the other end of the spectrum 5 months until c. and I have spent a year together. Some days still conflicted more than ever and other days so happy that I can't even remember the sadness. Hoping for a year full of more and more happiness and less tears. More joy and less sorrow. That's all anyone really hopes for though isn't it?

still here

The holiday season has kept me so busy I have had no time to write. Luckily though not a lot is going on. Me and C are doing well- I have even gotten to see him more! My job has been horrible and I have been working way way way too much. John's birthday came and went. As did diagnosis day. Did a lot better this year. I think it was because i was way too busy to think about anything.

The tree is up. The presents are wrapped. Im ready for Christmas-and actually looking forward to it. Maybe later today I will post a little more detail.

learned traits

This was posted in beyond active grieving today and i found myself nodding my head to almost all of them. thank you peggy a for putting into words what i haven't been able to.

gifts of grief

Courage, wisdom, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, patience, persistence, resilience,

I learned the purpose for my life (to help other people),

I learned appreciation and gratitude for the small and ordinary goodnesses in my life,

I learned to let go,

I learned to bend and not break,

I learned to accept the unacceptable,

I learned to surrender to that which was stronger and more powerful than I,

I learned to not care what other people think,

I learned to love myself unconditionally,

I learned the power of prayer and how to pray for qualities in myself like strength and determination and the courage to see me through as opposed to praying for outcomes or material things,

I learned what is really precious in this world,

I learned to follow the flow of life instead of always fighting against it (because it wasn't always the direction I wanted to go ...),

I learned how to be truly present in the moment I was in rather than the moment I wanted to be in,

I learned how to find peace, really true and lasting peace in pieces instead of waiting for it to come to me as something whole,

I learned to have confidence in myself - if I could get through grief I could get through anything,

I learned what my real priorities in life were,

I learned spiritual depth,

I learned to know myself - my strengths and weaknesses and how to work around both,

I learned that no matter what happens to me - I can and will go on

and to add my own:

I learned that it is not the amount of time that you spend loving a person but how you love them,

I learned the only person that I can count on is myself- but that I am pretty good company,

I learned self-conviction

I learned patience with myself and my emotions

I learned joy in small things

I learned a broken heart can be at least partially put back together

I learned to accept my past and live in the present and once again look forward to the future