c has been feeling pretty sick lately. not sick like a flu but sick as in a number of things that scare the both of us. blurred vision, forgetting things, tired all the time. things that aren't like him. he is headed to the dr to be checked out

at the same time he said to me- don't worry - if it is something bad you are still young enough to start over. and then the truth came out....

i don't want to start over-- never again

i know i can't say never but i can't even picture having to start over- not again

i know that people that don't understand this world think that it would be easy enough to just try again- but we know. we know the days and nights of unbelievable heartache. i know my strength and limitations - that i just don't have it in me to do again

he of course realized as soon as he said i what he said--and the poor man's face turned green as anything. he apologized profusely.

but still it doesn't change the fact that i don't think i could handle going through anything like that again- at least not anytime soon

vacation is good--- i am realizing exactly how much exhaustion i have built up in a year and a half with no time off . glad i took 2 weeks as i am still pretty worn out.

there will be some more posts coming in the next few days. i have big plans. first though a trip to the beach :)

staycation

i am so excited!!

i do not have to step foot into work for 16 days :)

my first vacation in a year and a half which i cannot believe

what am i doing with all this time?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

spa day tomorrow, movies, library, books, beach, friends, c

just the thought of all of these things is making me unwind just a little bit

um

ok so you know how everyone has that one friend in life that is your fallback person- in my case a fallback guy. you know the guy you can't stay away from and sooner or later iwll probably end up with.

well i just found out my fallback guy got married.

therefore taking away his title of fallback guy

which means nothing really- haven't seen him in about 4 years.

but it has thrown me a little- i mean i know i will be with c. probably forever but still. i need to catch my breath.

update

so this time i really have an excuse for not updating.... i finally moved. It was a lot more heartwrenching than i thought it would be as i moved into the apartment i was in a week after john died. there were so many things i had just put in the attic and never looked at. moving forced me to deal with them.

but enough of the bad- i love my new place. i am now living alone in a smaller town closer to rhode island. the rents were cheaper, i was able to get a 2 bedroom all to myself, and my commute although i now live 30 miles farther away is on average about an hour shorter. best part---- c lives only 20 minutes away. no we are still not living together but that will come eventually. this was a very big step for me and for now i do want to live alone no matter how much i love him.

yesterday i bought a brand new car. no longer do i have to wonder if when it rains i will be able to get to where i need to go. i love it and am incredibly happy with this new independence in life. c is so proud of me and also admits to being a little jealous too. but we are building some sort of life together and things are honestly wonderful between us.

all in all life is good

loving out loud

I was speaking to someone the other day about John and some things that I really missed about him. One of the things that came up was that John would say "I love you" no matter who was in hearing distance or where we were or what we were doing, and sometimes I really miss that.

I miss other people knowing that I am loved.

Don't get me wrong- C loves me. He loves me in a much different way than John ever did. It is a quiet kind of love. The kind that is not expressed verbally very often but when it is it means so much to both of us. It's more in the quiet between us and within the confines of it just being the two of us. With him it means a little more to me because I know it doesn't come easily to him to express it.

But I miss just hearing it across the room- yes John would just yell out, "Hey hon I really love you" across very crowded rooms at random times. I don't necessarily need to hear it but I need other people to know that C. really does feel that way about me. I tell them but sometimes it's like I am trying to prove that he does, not that he really does feel that way.

the thing is though-- why should it matter to other people. that's what bothers me- why do i let it matter? And I don't have a good answer to that- except somehow it does. Or it does with certain people. Mainly people who were John's friends. I need it not to matter because C is never going to be the man that will express any emotion like that in front of anyone. Shouldn't it be enough for me that he expresses it just to me?

4 years and one day

yesterday was 4 years. 4 long and painful, joyous and heartbreaking years. it was not a good day at all. it's the one day a year i wish i didn't work where he died. it broke me yesterday. walking in those doors and hating the fact that i am there everytime that they need me but the one time i needed them they failed me.

i know it's irrational. there are plenty of people that they are not able to save. but i just couldn't see past the fact that they didn't pull it out in the end for me. not yesterday-- every other day i look past it- or i try to. but yesterday- yesterday it nearly made me quit the job that i really do love. i broke down two horrible times and then somehow pulled it together to go to a few meetings and try to function.

the thing is though- no matter how happy i am in my life- i feel broken. like i am not who i could have been. and i don't know how i will ever feel differently.

moving

So this spring will bring new changes in life. I honestly cannot wait.

I am leaving H2Otown for greener pastures--- or at least different ones

Moving south of the city- a region I honestly despise but am doing out of love. C lives down there and no I am not moving in with him- or at least that is not the plan right now. But I am moving to live closer to him so that we have a shot of seeing each other more often.

Right now it takes him an hour and a half each wayto get to me. The town where I am looking at the most is only 20 minutes away from him.

It's also only 10 minutes away from one of my closest friends that I rarely get to see!

and the best part is I will be living on the commuter rail. It will literally take me less time to commute to work travelling 20 miles or so than it does now commuting 6 miles on the bus.

South shore here I come--- which honestly are the things that we do out of love--- because honestly being a north of the city girl- as I am- I never thought in athousand years I would ever live anywhere near where I am going to be