So this week-- in the midst of a lot of soul searching and figuring things out (which by the way J just called and I didn't have the impulse to throw up so must be making some progress)- I was talking with a very good friend.
She said to me that I always bend to fit the guy- what he wants and if I don't match his criteria then I think I don't have a shot. So then she asked me what kind of guy do I want- what would be my criteria... and the only answer that I could give her was that I want John.
And that is the honest truth.
And that is the heartbreaking impossibility.
So now I am trying to figure out what about him I would want in another person. There were so many qualities about him that I loved.
All that it boils down to is that I still miss my best friend-- and I am still looking for that in another.... one day I hope to find it.

heartbroken

so J and I are no longer...
he met another girl... or I should say he has known another girl...
he is in love with me and loves me very much... but has known her longer and has started to fall in love with her....
I am heartbroken... but am happy for him and have no ill feelings whatsoever... wish I could be mad at him... I have to see him every day and it might help to be mad... but instead I am just sad....

I am back out and dating.. and I have hope... but mostly I am just feeling defeated lately... that I once had everything and now I have nothing... and all I want is the one person I will never be able to have....
hopefully one day someone will come along to change that....
in the meantime...