Christmas

This year i had the best christmas i have had in a really long time. i had a nice christmas with john in 03- but still that was in the hospital and sad and stressful. i wouldn't trade that one for the world but at the same time it didn't feel like a real christmas. this year i spent christmas with katie and rob. it was so nice. the tree, the church services, the traditional stuff. everything that i have missed for such a long time. when i was little christmas was my favorite holiday but after years of spending it alone i started to dread it. then i had the one christmas with john. no dread of the day itself but a fear that he wouldn't live to see the next one. and then that fear came true. last year i spent the day in tears for the things i missed and the person i missed more. this year there were a few tears but many more smiles and much more joy. i actually felt part of something for the first time in a very long time and it felt really good. i am incredibly lucky to have friends that welcomed me into their home and into their lives for such a special time. i know that their time together is very precious and i really am grateful that they let me share in that. i always thought that christmas was a time for making memories and this year i have made many.

no longer last year

i have been thinking about this a lot lately. in a few days i will no longer be able to say that john died last year. now it will be a few years ago, or two years, or 22 months. anything but last year. it's so hard to think of that. two new years without him. i have been trying to think lately about what can be instead of what could have been. it seems to be getting easier but at the same time some days are so hard. today i looked at a guy on the bus and he had john's lips- nothing else-- just his lips and it made me so sad because i bet i am the only person on this earth that can look at some complete stranger and miss john so much. but at least i don't burst into tears anymore when it happens. i guess that's progress...

a new beginning

so because i have recently joined another blog i have decided to start one of my own. i think i have finally reached that place in my life where i am ok in writing things down as far as what happened and what i see happening in the future. also at some point i want to be able to look back and see the progress that i made and this would be a good place to do that. 2006 is my new beginning. someone asked me today what my new years resolution is and i said it is to be happy with myself and with my choices in the upcoming year. i said that without really thinking about it- but i know it is true. that is what i want for myself. and i hope that i can have that happen.