how come when all i want is to have a minute with my friend online he has to sic his girlfriend on me to talk to me..... i am not her friend.... i barely know her... she's nice enough... but i just want to talk to my friend.... so sick of that...and don't know what to do about it.... especially when she starts talking under his screen name and i don't know it's her..... it angers me so much
happier post tomorrow i promise..... just very ticked off right now
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
perspective
i am very bitchy tonight- but with reason- i had to listen to n and d both complain tonight that n had to pay $300 for a washer part. which under normal circumstances would be i guess a big deal for a twenty-something year old. but somehow either i have lost perspective or they have....
what i wouldn't pay to have my biggest problem be fixed with $300....
but this really isn't about me....
it's about the parents that i had to watch today say goodbye to their 3 year old- who died very suddenly in our clinic....
suddenly life has some perspective...
i just want to tell n and d to:
thank god it's fixable with just a little bit of money...
stop bitching about something so minor....
wake up and realize that they are lucky enough to have the money- that this family doesn't know how they will bury their child because they can't afford it
sometimes it all just makes me want to scream....
what i wouldn't pay to have my biggest problem be fixed with $300....
but this really isn't about me....
it's about the parents that i had to watch today say goodbye to their 3 year old- who died very suddenly in our clinic....
suddenly life has some perspective...
i just want to tell n and d to:
thank god it's fixable with just a little bit of money...
stop bitching about something so minor....
wake up and realize that they are lucky enough to have the money- that this family doesn't know how they will bury their child because they can't afford it
sometimes it all just makes me want to scream....
Friday, August 11, 2006
why me? (can you tell it's a pity party in here?!)
i am still in a good place- really i am. am happy and laughing more often than not. just have had time to think a little about my place in life and am facing a few things that i just don't like about myself
first and foremost i am jealous. jealous that all of my friends can believe that the worst won't happen in their lives. that they have faith in their relationships and in the reality that is being in your late 20's.
i am living my life waiting for the next bomb to drop- after all it has for the past-- oh i don't know 10 years- been my way of life. so as much happiness i feel right now i keep holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing.
between the abuse, the rape, finding out i probably can't have kids, being kicked out, having e. die, having my father sick, having john sick and then die, having to go through treatments myself -- i feel like when does it stop and why can't i just be "normal"
why can't i just trust that c. will be there, that he is here, that i really am healthy--- i just don't and then i get so angry that other people just assume that of course people will be there in life. that hasn't been my experience. mine is love em and then be ready for them to be gone. it all just sucks sometimes.
sorry i am such a jumble of thoughts--- it's been a rough week
first and foremost i am jealous. jealous that all of my friends can believe that the worst won't happen in their lives. that they have faith in their relationships and in the reality that is being in your late 20's.
i am living my life waiting for the next bomb to drop- after all it has for the past-- oh i don't know 10 years- been my way of life. so as much happiness i feel right now i keep holding my breath waiting for the next bad thing.
between the abuse, the rape, finding out i probably can't have kids, being kicked out, having e. die, having my father sick, having john sick and then die, having to go through treatments myself -- i feel like when does it stop and why can't i just be "normal"
why can't i just trust that c. will be there, that he is here, that i really am healthy--- i just don't and then i get so angry that other people just assume that of course people will be there in life. that hasn't been my experience. mine is love em and then be ready for them to be gone. it all just sucks sometimes.
sorry i am such a jumble of thoughts--- it's been a rough week
Monday, August 07, 2006
the other woman
With advanced apologies to those with children....
I never realized how hard it was going to be to date a man with a child. There. I said it. I admit to the fact that it is extremely difficlut on both me and him. I know some of what is running through his head- but I view this as a chance to explain what is running through mine. To get it all out there and then hopefully feel a little release.
C. has a daughter who is 8. Just turned 8 not too long ago. She is her daddy's girl. The joy of his life. The reason he pushes himself so hard- to make sure she never wants for anything. I try to be very understanding of the fact that she will always come first in his life. But sometimes.... well sometimes I can't help but wish I did.
How wrong is it to be jealous of an 8 year old? Probably extremely bad of me but at this particular moment I really am. There is not a written custody agreement- c.and his ex have worked very hard at seeing what is best for M. and try to let C. spend as much time with her as possible. Lately that has meant 5 or so nights a week and most weekends. Which means that C. feels so pulled in too many directions. We are still in an early stage of relationship and to me that means we need to spend time together- for him it does too- but he can't find the time to do that.
but it really isn't just that-it isn't just that he spends tikme with M. it's that when he's not spending time with her he's trying to find ways to support her. And worries about her constantly and won't let me meet her yet because he feels it is too soon....
so with all of the juggling that has gone on the past few weeks i went into meltdown mode last night.... i had been away for the weekend visiting my friend d. and his girlfriend n. they asked me if we could get together in october for a double date in providence to go to a concert. I knew immediately that C. wouldn't be able to go- but asked anyway... and of course I was right. He can't-- it's a school night (he teaches) in providence, he will be not only teaching at a high school but also at 2 colleges in the fall, on top of his own business, on top of trying to be the best dad he can be. Just so hard to realize in 3 months he is not going to have any more time for me as he does right now. In fact he will have less.
I don't know if it's the fact that he has so many more responsibilities than me, the fact that it's so different of a life than what me and my friends lead- that we up and go at every opportunity that we can. That other relationships around me the only thing going on is their 40 hour a week job and their relationship and that's it and with C. it is so much more. Not all of it is M. There's a lot to work out--- but he is so worth it. People tell me that they can't believe how happy I am. I know I am. I know that he is the best thing that has happened in my life in a very long time. I know that I like his daughter already .I just need to feel like I am not always the one being juggled.....
I never realized how hard it was going to be to date a man with a child. There. I said it. I admit to the fact that it is extremely difficlut on both me and him. I know some of what is running through his head- but I view this as a chance to explain what is running through mine. To get it all out there and then hopefully feel a little release.
C. has a daughter who is 8. Just turned 8 not too long ago. She is her daddy's girl. The joy of his life. The reason he pushes himself so hard- to make sure she never wants for anything. I try to be very understanding of the fact that she will always come first in his life. But sometimes.... well sometimes I can't help but wish I did.
How wrong is it to be jealous of an 8 year old? Probably extremely bad of me but at this particular moment I really am. There is not a written custody agreement- c.and his ex have worked very hard at seeing what is best for M. and try to let C. spend as much time with her as possible. Lately that has meant 5 or so nights a week and most weekends. Which means that C. feels so pulled in too many directions. We are still in an early stage of relationship and to me that means we need to spend time together- for him it does too- but he can't find the time to do that.
but it really isn't just that-it isn't just that he spends tikme with M. it's that when he's not spending time with her he's trying to find ways to support her. And worries about her constantly and won't let me meet her yet because he feels it is too soon....
so with all of the juggling that has gone on the past few weeks i went into meltdown mode last night.... i had been away for the weekend visiting my friend d. and his girlfriend n. they asked me if we could get together in october for a double date in providence to go to a concert. I knew immediately that C. wouldn't be able to go- but asked anyway... and of course I was right. He can't-- it's a school night (he teaches) in providence, he will be not only teaching at a high school but also at 2 colleges in the fall, on top of his own business, on top of trying to be the best dad he can be. Just so hard to realize in 3 months he is not going to have any more time for me as he does right now. In fact he will have less.
I don't know if it's the fact that he has so many more responsibilities than me, the fact that it's so different of a life than what me and my friends lead- that we up and go at every opportunity that we can. That other relationships around me the only thing going on is their 40 hour a week job and their relationship and that's it and with C. it is so much more. Not all of it is M. There's a lot to work out--- but he is so worth it. People tell me that they can't believe how happy I am. I know I am. I know that he is the best thing that has happened in my life in a very long time. I know that I like his daughter already .I just need to feel like I am not always the one being juggled.....
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