To John's Friends: The past two and a half years I have lived with my life under inspection. Every move that I have taken, every decision I have made, everything that I have done has been criticized and it stops today. Over the past month or so I have heard a few things from people that I am not necessarily close to about my life. People that are not in my daily life and in all honesty should not know any details of my life. Yet they do. Why my life is up for public discussion, criticism, or general observation I will never know. However I can control it and I will stop it. It stops today.
For the record- I am happy. I am moving forward in my life but also for the record I will never forget John nor will I ever live a day that he does not cross my mind. I know that some people think that because I am in a relationship that I will forget John, betray John, or try to convince myself that the person I am with is better than John. There is no comparison and there shouldn't be nor is forgetting John even an option.
Right now I am more hurt than words will ever begin to convey yet I am also incredibly happy. Cleo- the man in my life- is a huge part of that but there are also other factors. I am healthy, my job is stable and most days wonderful, and I do have other people in my life that are incredible and are so supportive that I can only be incredibly grateful. But to have people in my life that I can't trust or that I can't speak to for fear of them spreading the gossip or the details of my life has definitely hurt. But it is something I can control. Unfortunately it means losing some people in my life that I never wanted to lose- but if I can't trust in them then why are they there.
John chose not to introduce me or even talk about me to most people until he was sick- with one exception- because he trusted that person more than he will ever know and so do I- thank you to that one individual. However I now understand why he kept us "quiet"- the talking, the gossiping and the pain that it has brought me is unbelievable.
But I will not let it ruin what I do have in my life- instead I move forward. I move on and I move away. I have plenty of people in my life that support me 100% and do not feel like my life is of any interest to other people. They do not talk about me behind my back nor in front of my face. My life is my own. That is all I ever wanted. I wish you all the same level of happiness I have in my life and none of the hurt.
Kyle
ps.... i really did send this email.... which made me really happy
Saturday, September 30, 2006
The story of john
Per request of Megan- and because I have never really told it... This is the story of John as I know it
John was 28 when I "met" him- we met on boston.com personals. He responded to my profile saying that he was intrigued because I said I liked the ballet. He had gone to WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute) and was a software engineer. I thought to myself hmmm smart, educated, and cultured- this I like.
We exchanged emails for about 3 months learning more and more about each other- he had an overbearing mother- I had a crazy background. He loved sushi, I loved Italian. He spent his time at Tae Kwon Do. I spent mine dancing. Finally... He asked me for my screen name. (and you thought he was going to ask me out...ha!)
For months and months after that we "talked" everyday online. It became 2003. We shared our stories of Christmas, debated political views, shared our major triumphs and milestones in life. He got a promotion. His mother lost her job and he was supporting her. His involvement in APO(Alpha Phi Omega- a service fraternity) was eating up all his time. He shared his travels, his stories, his everyday life with me. Yet he still hadn't asked me out.
Finally in May of 2003 almost a year after we met online we finally met. Dinner in the North End- a walk around the city. A good date. Followed by many more. Things finally started getting serious in October. We planned a vacation together. Started to plan life together.
In November my father became very ill- he had a brain tumor. Was given 24 hours to live. John was away that weekend with family. I realized then that I needed this man in my life more than I ever wanted to admit. We rushed my father to a better hospital in the city- he had surgery the next day. John called 15 times during his surgery and was going to come into the city to keep me company while I waited but he was having extreme back pain and could barely move. My father made it through. John and I had plans for the weekend- after we went to his friends turkey party we were back at my place and he asked me to marry him. No ring in hand- nothing really planned- but just blurted it out in typical John fashion. I said I thought that was the right thing but I wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that my father knew that I would be taken care of should anything happen.
A week and a half later my father was released from the rehab-I hadn't said anything about the proposal. That same day he was released-John was admitted to the hospital for his back pain. Two days later we found out it was cancer. The same night he asked me to marry him again. This time I said yes.
December 8th- his 30th birthday- we found out that it was stage 4 colon cancer- it had spread to his spine, his liver, and most concerning his lungs. He refused a prognosis. I found out. They didn't expect him to make it to the new year. We almost lost him two days before Christmas but somehow he pulled himself out of it. He was feeling better. They thought the chemo was working and released him from the hospital on new year's eve.
Martin Luther King weekend he proposed again- this time with a ring. We started planning for a November wedding. The weekend before thanksgiving because we were going to have so much to be thankful for. The day before valentine's day he had his scans scheduled- we were sure it was going to show things were going to be better. He was feeling better. Came home to wait for the results and had an incredible weekend. Tuesday we found out that not only was it not working but we were out of options. One to three months. He lived one. He died March 13, 2004
I had never loved anyone like that before. He changed my life in so many ways. I never will love like that again. But I would also never change anything. He was an incredible person and I will always be thankful to have had him in my life.
John was 28 when I "met" him- we met on boston.com personals. He responded to my profile saying that he was intrigued because I said I liked the ballet. He had gone to WPI (Worcester Polytechnic Institute) and was a software engineer. I thought to myself hmmm smart, educated, and cultured- this I like.
We exchanged emails for about 3 months learning more and more about each other- he had an overbearing mother- I had a crazy background. He loved sushi, I loved Italian. He spent his time at Tae Kwon Do. I spent mine dancing. Finally... He asked me for my screen name. (and you thought he was going to ask me out...ha!)
For months and months after that we "talked" everyday online. It became 2003. We shared our stories of Christmas, debated political views, shared our major triumphs and milestones in life. He got a promotion. His mother lost her job and he was supporting her. His involvement in APO(Alpha Phi Omega- a service fraternity) was eating up all his time. He shared his travels, his stories, his everyday life with me. Yet he still hadn't asked me out.
Finally in May of 2003 almost a year after we met online we finally met. Dinner in the North End- a walk around the city. A good date. Followed by many more. Things finally started getting serious in October. We planned a vacation together. Started to plan life together.
In November my father became very ill- he had a brain tumor. Was given 24 hours to live. John was away that weekend with family. I realized then that I needed this man in my life more than I ever wanted to admit. We rushed my father to a better hospital in the city- he had surgery the next day. John called 15 times during his surgery and was going to come into the city to keep me company while I waited but he was having extreme back pain and could barely move. My father made it through. John and I had plans for the weekend- after we went to his friends turkey party we were back at my place and he asked me to marry him. No ring in hand- nothing really planned- but just blurted it out in typical John fashion. I said I thought that was the right thing but I wanted to wait- he wanted to make sure that my father knew that I would be taken care of should anything happen.
A week and a half later my father was released from the rehab-I hadn't said anything about the proposal. That same day he was released-John was admitted to the hospital for his back pain. Two days later we found out it was cancer. The same night he asked me to marry him again. This time I said yes.
December 8th- his 30th birthday- we found out that it was stage 4 colon cancer- it had spread to his spine, his liver, and most concerning his lungs. He refused a prognosis. I found out. They didn't expect him to make it to the new year. We almost lost him two days before Christmas but somehow he pulled himself out of it. He was feeling better. They thought the chemo was working and released him from the hospital on new year's eve.
Martin Luther King weekend he proposed again- this time with a ring. We started planning for a November wedding. The weekend before thanksgiving because we were going to have so much to be thankful for. The day before valentine's day he had his scans scheduled- we were sure it was going to show things were going to be better. He was feeling better. Came home to wait for the results and had an incredible weekend. Tuesday we found out that not only was it not working but we were out of options. One to three months. He lived one. He died March 13, 2004
I had never loved anyone like that before. He changed my life in so many ways. I never will love like that again. But I would also never change anything. He was an incredible person and I will always be thankful to have had him in my life.
Monday, September 25, 2006
balancing act
is there really a better feeling in the world than to wake up in the arms of someone who wants you as part of their life?
now to make that feeling last until his 5 jobs allow him some time with me again.
and to not let the guilt take over
it's quite a balance but the rewards are so worth it
i am so incredibly happy
now to make that feeling last until his 5 jobs allow him some time with me again.
and to not let the guilt take over
it's quite a balance but the rewards are so worth it
i am so incredibly happy
Sunday, September 10, 2006
5 years later
On September 11, 2001 I went into work like any other day But it was a little different from the start. My roomate's grandmother had died over the previous weekend- she had to drive to New York on the 11th to be there for the funeral- my other roomate and I needed to order flowers to send. My brother was flying to L.A. that day- or so my father told me the night before. I was on the phone to the florist in New York when I heard my radio guy say "oh my god, this is real folks- 2nd plane just hit" I hung up on the florist and started to listen to the news. Luckily my roomate was ok- she was in Connecticut on the other side of the city- she couldn't get through but she was fine. My brother had missed his flight that morning- he forgot to turn on the alarm. Luckily- since he was originally on one of the flights that did crash from Boston.
I can't believe it was 5 years ago. How much so many things in life and in the world have changed. I did know someone that died that day- Capt. John Ogonowski from Dracut, Massachusetts. He was the father of one of the girls that I had taught at dance school. For all that he gave, for all that they all gave, and for all that they left behind... i do remember them.
I can't believe it was 5 years ago. How much so many things in life and in the world have changed. I did know someone that died that day- Capt. John Ogonowski from Dracut, Massachusetts. He was the father of one of the girls that I had taught at dance school. For all that he gave, for all that they all gave, and for all that they left behind... i do remember them.
Monday, September 04, 2006
5 and 10
4 things that are making me sad today....
1. The third memorial walk is only 2 weeks away- how is it 3 years that we have been doing this in his memory
2. yet another wedding to go to this weekend- and i still wish he was with me
3. I won't see C. for 2 weeks and that just makes me nervous - not sad- will it be the same when we see each other again- which i know it will be- but my nerves are taking over
4. John is not my first thought in the morning by a longshot- I never thought that would change so much
and.....
10 things that are making me happy today
1. it's been a really nice weekend- haven't had to do too much and have enjoyed my time
2. I saw C. yesterday and he really just does make me happy
3. We are halfway to our goal for the walk and the money doesn't have to be completely raised until January
4. I brought work home with me this weekend and have done none of it
5. it's Katie and Matt's wedding next weekend and that just makes me happy because it will be them and it will finally be upon us
6. I will be seeing a bunch of my friends in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see them
7. I got the nicest note from my father on saturday and am still happy about it
8. C. - pretty much everything about him- and yes i know i mentioned him before- he just makes me that happy
9. a 3 day work week!!
10. i originally labeled the first list 5 things i am sad about and there were really only 4
lesson learned: if your blessings and happiness are greater than the things that make you sad- life can't be bad at all
1. The third memorial walk is only 2 weeks away- how is it 3 years that we have been doing this in his memory
2. yet another wedding to go to this weekend- and i still wish he was with me
3. I won't see C. for 2 weeks and that just makes me nervous - not sad- will it be the same when we see each other again- which i know it will be- but my nerves are taking over
4. John is not my first thought in the morning by a longshot- I never thought that would change so much
and.....
10 things that are making me happy today
1. it's been a really nice weekend- haven't had to do too much and have enjoyed my time
2. I saw C. yesterday and he really just does make me happy
3. We are halfway to our goal for the walk and the money doesn't have to be completely raised until January
4. I brought work home with me this weekend and have done none of it
5. it's Katie and Matt's wedding next weekend and that just makes me happy because it will be them and it will finally be upon us
6. I will be seeing a bunch of my friends in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see them
7. I got the nicest note from my father on saturday and am still happy about it
8. C. - pretty much everything about him- and yes i know i mentioned him before- he just makes me that happy
9. a 3 day work week!!
10. i originally labeled the first list 5 things i am sad about and there were really only 4
lesson learned: if your blessings and happiness are greater than the things that make you sad- life can't be bad at all
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