hmmm

What a week! But I have survived. Now to just wait for the results. But I made it. I guess I ave figured out a way to make it through anything. Just tired of it all. It was 22 months yesterday, creeping up on the 2 year mark. It is 2 years ago today that we got engaged. I never felt like I got to be that happy, excited, planning a wedding type that I always imagined. It was not a time of happiness. It was more a time of uncertainty. Maybe one day I will be that happy go lucky bride to be- although now I doubt that since I really don't think I am going to meet anyone and I also think that chance has come and gone.

destressing

well this diet thing is going good today. have worked out three days in a row-- aiming for danicng tomorrow so that will be 4. it's good to have all of this support to len back on when i feel the need to. although i find bob the trainer cute and everything i also feel the need to kick his ass when the high kicks come into play. hmmm--- maybe should work on that temptation or else i could end up with a busted television. at least working out calmed me down about the rest of the stress going on. moving moving moving. where to???? i have no freaking clue. hopefully i will straighten all of that jumbled mess out within the month

dreams

an undeniable sadness has washed over me. there are really no words to describe how sad a new year has made me. it feels impossible that it's the second year john will not have taken a breath in. yet i still feel him every day. some days i hate that. most though i cherish it. it's what keeps me going. but i still wonder why and why him. it will never make any sense to me. i'm very proud of myself for making it this far and for making the choices and decisions i have.... at the same time so incredibly sad that those decisions have had to be made. 2006- he wanted to go to the olympics in italy this year. he had so many plans for his life that never came to being. so many that few people knew about. i don't know if it is better to have known or not. some days i wish i didn't know what his dreams were- then i wouldn't feel the pain of not having them come true. at the same time i have taken on some of his own dreams to be my own and for that i am grateful. just wish he was here to achieve them himself.