"you have used John's death to advance your career"

What?!!?!!

One of my coworkers said this to me and also said this to my boss this week. Needless to say I am none too happy at my job right now. But I guess it did give me food for thought

Have I done this somehow? I do work at the cancer center where he was treated, where they gave me time every day to be with him, where my boss turned into one of John's admirers and friends. I do make a ton more money now than I did when he died because my boss keeps promoting me. The doctors all know where I have come from and I believe respect me a little more than they do my colleague. Is that because I have had the opportunity to get to know them on a more personal level- when they helped advise me in John's treatment. My colleagues do know that every year we try to raise a substantial amount of money to go towards this place that he admired so much. My work and my personal life have become entwined but more out of necessity than out of wanting it to.

When this colleague said this to me I was dumbfounded. How could anyone's death bring any good into their life. I was so hurt since it came from someone who started in the office a little more than a year ago. She was not there when everything transpired. Yes I do know that my boss respects me every day for walking through the doors of the place that held so much of my life in their hands at one point. Yes I do know that some of my coworkers continually acknowledge how hard some days can be for me to be at work. But have I used that to my advantage in my career??? I don't really know. Has definitely given me something to think about

unfair

life currently is striking me as incredibly unfair. Not to me in particular but to a lot of people in my life. A widow friend is facing more loss and more illness which strikes me as so unfair to a woman who has been through enough to begin with. a friend from work just lost her husband in almost the same way and amount of time as i did. only she has a 5 year old son. i met with a family at work that has a daughter who is 10 that is terminal that just found out their other daughter who is 13 has just been diagnosed with a different form of cancer- also not good news. an acquaintance of mine just lost her son in a car accident- at 19. Honestly how much is too much? and when can we say that life is unfair?

from day one i have tried to say that everything that happened in my life is fair. that it was god's will. but how exactly can this all be god's will. I just can't fathom it

a weighty topic

Another year....another diet.... back to weight watchers I go.

It feels like there hasn't been a single day of my life that I haven't struggled with my weight. When I was younger-overweight. When I was a teenager - eating disorder central. As an adult- back to overweight-- actually in technical terms- obese.

When I hear that word it makes me want to throw up.

Obese- sounds like a pig. And sometimes I do feel like I qualify as that. The thing is no one can ever guess how much I weigh. They know I am overweight but not to the extreme that I am. Let's just say at this point I could lose around 100 pounds and be in the normal range for my height and age. Strange that years ago I was about 60 pounds underweight.

Now I have come to realize that I need to lose this weight- not 100 pounds--- more like 70 (oh yeah cause that sounds any better?!!) Why do I need to lose this weight? Not because I want to be a twig. Not because I want to attract a man (have one who likes me just the way I am- thank goodness) But because I want to live.

I think I hid in food from the moment John died. Not unhealthy food and not necessarily too much of it- just the wrong food. But now I want to come out of hiding. I want to be able to have a life, have children one day, be healthy enough to run with them or even just run around now with some friends. I need to do this. I need to stick with it. So far so good- 3 pounds gone- now only 67 more to go ( now that sounds better than 70!)