wondering

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart

Without saying a word you can light up the dark

Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old mr. webster could never define

What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall

You say it best when you say nothing at all

There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me.

But he did leave me and some days i just want to scream. This was to be our wedding song and tomorrow would be our second wedding anniversary and instead I lay here wondering.....

wondering if we would have made it

wondering what he would say to me

wondering if i'll ever really let him go

wondering if it will ever hurt less on these big days- if i can just let them go by

wondering why i would want that

just wishing we had the chance...

sometimes there really are survivors

Tonight I heard the best news I have heard in a long time....
A year and a half ago my friend E. was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was 30 at the time. Early stages. Great attitude. Supportive husband. She was going to beat it. She went through gene testing. Found out that she carries the gene. Not only did she have to have a double mastectomy but she is at incredibly high risk for ovarian cancer and needs to have a hysterectomy within the next 5 years. Suddenly life had deadlines. So as soon as she could they started trying to have a baby. For many months.

Tonight I found out that I am goingt to be an "auntie" in early June. I honestly couldn't be any happier! :) No only has E. survived but she is a true inspiration to me and I am sure she will be a wonderful mother. I'm just glad she will have the chance

cheryl

You know that feeling where you laugh so hard you are crying. I just had a phone call that had me like that for a good half hour. My friends- though sometimes aggrevating are literally the best. My friend Cheryl is one in a million. We have gone through so much together and she is just so true to herself. She is also true to our friendship. As i have said before I don't know if she liked John or not as it is a conversation that we have never really had but I do know that she has supported me in more ways than I can count since he died.

We met before college. She lived in NH as did I and they had a welcome reception for NH students where we met. Worlds being small and all we lived about 20 minutes away from each other and had mutual friends. September came around and she lived 2 doors down the hall from me. All through college we lived in the same hallway except for one year. Some of my fondest memories from college involve cheryl and some of the most meaningful conversations involve her as well.

After college we remained close. We both had roomates that we were all a big bunch of friends and got together often. She soon met her now husband and moved closer to her job and him in RI. She never met John. Not many of my friends did. But I do remember one very long conversation with her about us after we got engaged. Cheryl couldn't believe I was "compromising" what I always wanted in a wedding to marry John. She and others of my friends always gave me a hard time because I always said I wanted a winter wedding with rose muffs for my girls. When the time came I realized that I really didn't want that anymore and I didn't care when or how we got married as long as we did. We only talked about it that one time. At John's wake a few months later Cheryl came and whispered in my ear that all of the compromises would have been worth it.

Since then she got engaged and I was in her wedding this summer. At her wedding I was a bridesmaid but she also asked me to read the petitions or prayers of the faithful. She had given me the printout for practice and I had read through them. At the ceremony I was very nervous about my speaking part. It was a very large wedding and speaking in public was not my thing. I got up to the lectern and looked at the printout was a smiley face and a "we love you for doing this" and then I started reading. I got midway through the prayers when I got to the death one. You know. " For those that we wish could be with us but are with us in spirit, especially for...." Well on the sheet I had been given I didn't know any of the names, but on the printout at the wedding there was one more name added to the list. it said, "John G. who is always loved" I wasn't able to read that part out loud but was so touched that I could barely speak.

Tonight we were laughing about when we get old and in our 80s and what we will be like. We were cracking up. One of those deep laughs that you can feel all the way to the bones. I love Cheryl like a sister, she is always going to mean so much to me. And tonight I thank her for making a rough day just a little easier

picture is of this beautiful woman on her wedding day with me and our frend j.

How do I get sucked into both Grey's Anatomy and ER in one night even when I work in a hospital- I don't have goof thoughts about hospitals- and it's way past my bedtime.

november

I really hate November
Almost as much as March

November 9 2003- A call from my brother telling me my father was in the hospital- brain tumor-" inoperable"

November 10, 2003- he was transferred to the brigham

November 11, 2003- 14 hours of sitting in the family waiting room with my brother that I barely speak to- he will make a full recovery

November 14, 2003- he has a pulmonary embolism

November 15, 2003- John asks me to marry him for the first time


then of course life changed. We planned a wedding for November 20, 2004. He died in march- no wedding- except of course to cancel with the priest the week before because he didn't get the 3 messages I had left with him prior. And then I crash John's car he had left to me into a garbage truck the wednesday before we were supposed to be married. Totaled the only thing that I had of his.

I really really hate November. And somehow every year it sneaks up on me and my emotions are all over the place and I can't figure out why until i really think about it. In a matter of a month my life changed and changed again- at the time into something that I really wanted but now just brings me a lot of pain.

time to let go- or time to hold on

so C. and I are coming up to the end of our month without seeing each other. And part of me couldn't be happier- and then part of me is really struggling.

as i have said before C. has a very busy schedule. To the point where I am lucky if he has 3 hours for me over the course of a weekend. I have had issues with this right from the start but when I am with him I am so happy that I almost forget about it. But I did tell him that after life had calmed down that I needed to spend a lot more time with him. At least a full day a weekend. He totally agreed and promised that he would definitely free time up.

Fast forward to today- he just got back from NC last night and I said something about seeing him this weekend- and he then said - yeah- he would see me sunday for a short time. I didn't really say anything back- but am definitely fliiping out on the inside.

When is it time to realize he just doesn't have the time that I feel not only that I need but that I mostly deserve. How can I explain to him that it is so hard on me when all of my friends spend their weekends and lives with their so's and I have spent 2 and a half years trying to not let that bother me- but now that I am with him it only bothers me more. How do I shake the feeling that a part of me feels like a prostitute but without the money and sometimes without the activity- but that such a limited time with him doesn't make me feel like this relationship is ever going to go to the places that we both want it to go- or at least that we both have said we want it to go.

I know he works so hard at trying to find time for me- but at the same time it's not enough. How do I keep my heart from breaking when I know that I love him and have fallen in love with him but that I either need to end it or convince myself that it's enough. I know he is enough- just need more time in the day.