c. and i had a wonderful day yesterday. so wonderful i almost let a comment slip right by without saying anything-- not the word almost. he mentioned something about getting married when i am 35. yes folks- that would be 5 years from now. 5 years. now i dont' want to get married tomorrow but i would like to be married long before then. and then i explained to him what every woman learned from watching when harry met sally-- or in my case when i watched the love of my life slip away before i got the chance.

when you know you have met the person you want to spend your life with you don't want to wait.

i waited with john- i waited for a long time. till everything was predictable-- or not predictable but expected. date 2 years get engaged- wait another year get married. or that was the plan

now i don't want the predictable or the expected. i just want to live life and figure it out. so what if the timing isn't perfect.

c. is on board to a point with this. he says he needs to straighten some stuff in his life out first. but it will definitely be sooner than 5 years. because he too wants to just live life and be happy.

until the moment comes though we just live as we have been- enjoying the precious time we get together.

things that weren't supposed to happen

i'm not supposed to be outliving him- at least not at 30

wednesday is my birthday and it's a big one and i am having a hard time with it. not for the reasons most of my friends are thinking. it's another year - big freaking deal. i am happy in most things in my life. everything is falling into place in my personal life and my job life.

but

john was diagnosed on his 30th birthday. he was dead 3 months later.


more than likely in 3 months and 5 days i will have outlived him. he was 3+ years older than me. i was not supposed to catch up to him.

and i hate it.

i just wish that i could stop thinking about the person that is missing in my life and just focus on who is there. but sometimes it's just so hard

now is one of those times.

happy birthday to me.

the childless widow

There have been 3 births and 3 pregnancies announced in my life in the past 3 months.

6 babies

none of them mine

and i cannot shake the sadness of that fact

because if cancer had not invaded our life we would have more than likely been welcoming a baby of our own by now

but instead i am childless and i hide my sadness behind rattles and playmats and darling clothes bought for other people's children

while always wondering why

and always wondering what a little piece of him and of me would have been like

sometimes the grief felt on this subject is just so much more than the grief i feel in losing him

and lately it is just that much more magnified

what life could have been like, what a child would have been like

so many dreams and wishes and hopes for a future- all ripped apart

yes i can still have a child- but it will never be his

there will never be a piece of him wandering this earth

and that sadness rips me apart every single day

update

So here's an update on all things me:
C and I are better than ever. He just took a new job with the aim that we will be better off in the future. Him taking this job also means that he will be able to give up one of his part time jobs meaning that he will have a little more time to see me :) couldn't be happier about that

my job is kicking me in hte rear these days. every day i am ready to give up and go somewhere else but i don't have the motivation to look for anything plus there are promises on the table that i am waiting to see fulfilled.

the house hunt is on in a major way. nothing has either met my expectations or met my price range as of yet. it's still a pretty bad housing market for a buyer here in massachusetts no matter what the articles say.

i finally have a doctor's appointment in august which i need desperately. I think part of me not writing lately has been that i am so scared that something is wrong and it's consuming my mind on a daily basis which in turn has made me very very cranky

wedding season is in full bloom- 4 weddings between now and november. fun fun fun- or ugh ugh ugh.

i miss john. i miss him more than i usually admit to. it just sneaks up on me and i hate that. i hate that people who know me now don't know me really. it's just a part of me. i know i will never stop missing him but i certainly wish it would get a little easier. maybe it's just today. maybe it's just this month- who knows.

long time no talk

if anyone still checks this- yes I am alive. Been kind of cranky and not wanting to really write about it. Everything's ok- I just feel like I could bite someone's head off for no apparent reason. Ever feel this way?

will be back hopefully later in the week with a better attitude