There have been 3 births and 3 pregnancies announced in my life in the past 3 months.
6 babies
none of them mine
and i cannot shake the sadness of that fact
because if cancer had not invaded our life we would have more than likely been welcoming a baby of our own by now
but instead i am childless and i hide my sadness behind rattles and playmats and darling clothes bought for other people's children
while always wondering why
and always wondering what a little piece of him and of me would have been like
sometimes the grief felt on this subject is just so much more than the grief i feel in losing him
and lately it is just that much more magnified
what life could have been like, what a child would have been like
so many dreams and wishes and hopes for a future- all ripped apart
yes i can still have a child- but it will never be his
there will never be a piece of him wandering this earth
and that sadness rips me apart every single day
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7 comments:
This pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately. Also, I've been getting excruciating angry at the fact that so many people who aren't fit or don't want children have them, while Eric and I were denied.
It's also been tough to feign being happy for friends who are getting married (because in my head, they don't have the same caliber of relationship that Eric and I had) or buying homes (because Eric and I never had the chance to settle down and live the boring, mundane couple life.)
It's just been a really, really sad time lately.
Big, big hugs to you, Kyle.
My heart hurts with you.
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I lost my partner of four years a couple of weeks ago. I'm young, in my early twenties. But we spent almost three years with the idea of conceiving. To lose him, and also lose all my dreams and hopes and possibilities has been the worst existence I could imagine. I get so angry when people say "you're young, I'm sure you'll have kids one day." I think someone has to go through it to properly understanding. I've taken a pregnancy test, and the day I got my period I felt as if the last possibility of seeing the world as anything but a blank piece of hell we're forced to go through before we can be reunited with our loved ones, is gone. The only thing I could think of is to get artificial insemination one day, and be able to look up at the sky and say "this one's for you, I'll live our dream for the both of us". He always used to say 'if you're happy, I'm happy'. I know that he's in a better place, a better state or realm, and it's my turn to be happy for him.
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