chapter 2

For a long time now i feel like i have been starting on my chapter 2. The continuation of me. Tonight I feel like it has actually begun.

The prologue of my life can be summed up in one word- fear. Fear that the bedroom door would open and only hurt and pain would be on the other side. I was always afraid to close my eyes because I would know that he was coming to hurt me. Fear that I was never going to be enough for my parents. That I could never please them. That even straight A's, not getting into any trouble, having a strong faith, would never be enough. Fear of the unknown- of where I was going to run to, what I would become, who I would be. Fear of being me. Fear of not succeeding, of not pushing myself enough, of only having myself to rely on in my life. Fear of loving beacuse only hurt awaited me.

Chapter 1 was discovery. Opening my eyes to a new world full of surprises. That I was capable of not only being liked for who I was but loved for who I was. Discovering new talents- that dancing wasn't the only thing I was good at. Discovering what it is like to be independent and responsible for every aspect of life. Discovering a love that was so deep that sometimes the fear came rushing back but wanting to learn more pushed it aside. Discovering true friendships because I had let go of most of the fear. Discovering the person I knew I wanted to be with forever. Discovering that where I worked would turn into the place where I wanted to be as well as the place I wanted to run away from. Discovering that cancer not only happened to strangers in the elevator but also to the person that held my heart in his hand. Discovering that there will never be enough "I love you's" to sustain a lifetime. Discovering forgiveness for past hurts and mistakes. Discovering the worst words aren't that he has cancer but that there's nothing they can do. Discovering that love truly does endure all things. Discovering an inner strength that I had never believed in until I had to rely on it because my source of outer strength was gone. Discovering that loving and living don't have to end. That life is a gift that should not be taken for granted. Discovering not only did I want to open my heart again it was ready to be opened. Finding a new me. A stronger me. A more confident me but also a me that will never forget where it has been.

I think Chapter 2's theme might be Joy. Joy in living. Joy in uncovering true friendships. Joy in waking to a new day and accepting that it is a new day and not just a repeat of the pain of yesterday. Joy in opening myself up to the fear and unknown of the future without having to relive the fears of my past. Joy in memories. In being able to remember the happier moments more often than the nightmares. Joy in who I have become. In what I have accomplished. Of making it through the worst time in my life and actually making it. Joy in another's arms. Joy in a future that is still so up in the air but that makes me eager to wake up each day. Joy... in only what is just beginning.

what's in a name

a lot of people ask me about my name.... it's something i have grown into as i have gotten older but that was not always the case-- nor does it not come without some funny stories. c. reminded me of one of the funnier ones last night-- but maybe first i should explain where my name came from.

originally i was supposed to be sarah jane-- those people who know me personally know that i don't think i would ever really be considered a sarah. luckily my mother's good friend named her daughter sarah jane about 3 weeks before i was born-- so my parents could not use the name. unfortunately they were out of ideas and decided they should let their 4 year old son choose a name. he came up with brian william for a boy but they still couldn't figure out what to name a girl. then they went out for an infamous dinner one night. kevin (my brother) totally bonded with their waiter and decided that he didn't care if it was a boy's name- his little sister would be named kyle (side note-- if i was a boy i would still be named brian-- totally weird). my parents decided they would take a form of sarah for my middle name- so here i am kyle sarena m.

now having a boy's name in life is sometimes interesting and entertaining-- the invitations to join the seminary- the fact that i lived in hand me downs when i was really little and was bald till i was 3 and had a boys name also was fun at times. but i think the best incident happened a few years ago

it was while john was sick- he was finally home from the hospital and his catheter had been removed- we were thrilled. we had a shot of having a sex life. my prescription for the pill had lapsed while he was sick so i had called in to get it refilled. i walked down to the medical offices where the pharmacy was on my lunch break one day with my friend dana. we get up to the counter- i ask for my prescription- the girl types it into the computer- gives me a look- asks for my insurance card and license and then goes to speak to the pharmacist. he looks at me looks at the computer-- back at me-- meanwhile a long line had formed behind us full of very elderly people. they both come back out to us and the girl says to me, " how much do you normally pay for your prescription?" i told her $10 a month so $30 for the three months. she then says, "i am sorry to ask you this but have you had a sex change operation in the past month?!!" i was floored- i said no- do i look like i have-- and she said no- that is why there is confusion- the insurance company is refusing to pay for hormones because they think you are a guy and it is against policy for them to pay for any prescriptions leading up to or as follow up to a sex change surgery. i was completely mortified!!! they didn't give me the prescription that day- i had to go back and fight it out with insurance- and the elderly people in line behind us were seriously snickering or turning red. it was one of the funniest experiences but also one of the most embarassing moments of my life.

the lesson in this-- never let your 4 year old name your next child-- but if you do-- make sure that the younger child has a good sense of humor to get them through life

on the eve of 29

28 was a challenging year. full of so many ups and downs there are too many to count.

the unknown was so frightening when it came to my health but at the same time it gave me new strength- newfound faith in my firendships- and assurance in my will to live.

the struggles of grief have lessened- though at the same time when they hit they hit harder. i miss him and always will. but this year it's different. i don't know if i miss my love so much as i miss my best friend. this year brought the day i could no longer hear his voice in my head- but also brought the day that i could genuinely laugh and feel joy at many of my memories.

this newfound contentment in my life has been such a blessing- not only c. but the ease of living. of moving through each day and actually feel like i am living and not just going through the motions.

29 was the last year that john was "healthy" (i know now that wasn't truly the case but we didn't know that then) It was such a happy year- so much fun- so many nice times- the year we got engaged. Part of me feels so strange to be turning this corner. part of me knows that i will more than likely outlive him and it will happen sooner rather than later. i think that's what scares me most about 29. i don't like the feeling of catching up to him as it was never supposed to happen- but yet here it is.

for the first time in about 15 years i am actually excited about my birthday. i have a good day at work planned. i have a nice night with c. to look forward to. i am actually alive again and i can honestly feel the joy in my life.

what i have been up to

long time no posts....

life is good- hate to jinx that by saying it- but it's true.

the wedding was fun- i even think i might have looked nice- am waiting for pics to prove it- had a good time with dave- missed c. but understand since he had his daughter all weekend

work is driving me crazy.... commuting since the collapse of the big dig has beena nightmare- between 5-6 hours a day to go about 8 miles---- at the same time i keep trying to remind myself that a woman did lose her life- and i do feel terribly for her family

c. and i are good- actually we are great. saw him last friday- hoping to see him over the weekend at some point. people wonder how we are able to see so little of each other but are still happy but i think it is because i enjoy having my time to myself. i don't think i know how to function being around someone 24/7 and i also don't think it's that healthy. i have my life- he has his- we have ours- sooner or later i am sure all of it will comingle.

i need to get back on the weight loss wagon-- was doing so well but have kind of slid off course- need to get back on it.

sleep tends to come easier these days. i am not haunted by all of the imagery that was with me for so long. will never forget it but at least rest is coming easier. am looking forward to this weekend- no plans- i might even take a nap!

this week is going to be crazy busy- between work, the wedding next weekend, the bachelorette and rehearsal before that and just my normal craziness. so today i took a chance to look ahead and reflect on what is happening in my life and upon what is coming up in life.

cheryl and tony got engaged last year- they met about 3 months before me and john did. i have known cheryl for over 10 years now and i have never seen her happier than when she met tony. we have gone through a lot together. i don't think she was ever a big fan of john-we never really spoke about it- but at the same time seeing her reach this milestone makes me a little sad. i wonder if the feeling if that is what my life should have been like will ever go away....

at the same time my birthday is fast approaching. all i keep thinking are erin's words.... if you are going to meet anyone you need to make it happen this year. have i met him? possibly... it feels like i could have... at the same time it scares me to be another year older and still not sure of where my life is headed. and then i think about when john was 29 and how excited we both were that year... little did we know he would be gone 4 months after he turned 30..... how strange.... when you think about it all.... how weird can life truly be.

but as i head into my last year in my twenties i am happy--- not just becuase of c. but because of a multitude of things. i feel like i am truly living forward-enjoying my life and whatever it brings...

:)

Ok so this is going to be a little high school.... but.... he likes me!!

We went out tonight and hung out here afterwards (at home I mean) and we were talking and he told me he really likes me- and it scares him a great deal- but he likes me. He also said that when we were out tonight that he felt really good about us. That it felt "right". I make him happy.

Have to admit I like him too. He makes me happy and makes me laugh so much. And as my friend Cheryl said to me today- I light up like a christmas tree when I talk about him

:)

sometimes life just could not feel any better or at least i have now learned to cherish these moments as what they are-- moments-- pieces of time in life where it really is sweet.

meltdown

So this weekend my good friend D. and his girlfriend N. were visiting from CT. On Monday we had gone to a bbq-and then out for ice cream with a bunch of people. We went to Waltham to Lizzy's. While we were in there I realized I had been there before.... i had been there with John... it was actually our last date out... where i had tried to convince him to go see a dr. but he wouldn't listen to me. He didn't go for another 6 weeks (yes I saw him during that time- but we were mostly hanging out at home due to all of the pain he was in and not wanting to drive anywhere). I managed to hold it together on Monday until we got back to the house where the BBQ was at- I said that I would be in in a minute-- and then proceeded to completely lose it....

How could I have forgotten where our last date was? Why didn't I try harder that night- or just take him to the ER myself? Have I gotten too lost in my new relationship- am I trying to forget about John? Why didn't I remember? Why is he gone? Is it ok to feel that I am as happy or happier now than I was with him?

I am on an extreme guilt trip and somehow need to get off of this road.....