He's Here!!

Brennan B.
8lbs 2 oz
20 inches
3:05 pm April 27th

I am such a proud auntie!

new arrival

please keep renee and baby brennan in your prayers. they will be inducing her labor tomorrow morning if labor does not start by then! can't wait to be an auntie!!

oh, please keep me in your prayers too- that i won't pass out in the delivery room! As I said to c last night... this experience will either make me want to be a mother even more or scar me for life and i might never want to have children. definitely hoping for the former!

defining moment(s)

The other night I was at dinner with a friend who is going through a very rough time with her boyfriend. In speaking with her the topic came up of defining moments. Her boyfriend wants to define her life by one moment that happened in her life which means nothing to her. Anyone who knows her knows that her life is defined by the moment her mother was run over almost 3 years ago.

But through that conversation I got to thinking, would the sae be said about me. Would I define my life by the moment I lost John?

In some ways I think I should be able to. If anything would be a defining moment in one's life wouldn't it be that? Isn't that the most dramatic point in which one can look back at life. The moment when you lost love forever?

Maybe there was a point where I defined my life by that moment. Maybe there sometimes still is. But I look at life now and realize there are so many moments that have defined me. That have made my life exactly what it is right now- that define my decisions and my ambitions.

The moment that I met my grandmother right after my baby cousin had died. I was in second grade and had never met her yet knew I was loved by her right away. The moment that my brother left for college knowing he would never choose to come home again and that our family would be forever changed- not for the better. The moment I chose to leave home in high school knowing that I was on my own- yet not afraid of anything because I was escaping my fear. The moment I opened the package in the mail that day finally knowing that she knew all along. The moment the call came telling me that my father was so sick knowing that there was very little time to forgive. The moment he asked me to marry him. The moment he was gone.

But there have been moments since, moments that even if not life defining- life changing. Like the moment I took my ring off knowing that meant to the outside world that my heart didn't belong to anyone. The moment I woke up and my first thought was not of him but of my life without him. The moment I met C. The moment I knew my heart - or at least a piece of it belongs to someone else.

moments. all of them. some painful, some joyous. some bring definition others confusion. all i wish for is to not be deifined and not let my life be defined by any one of them.

"open road"

"And I will leave this sweet New England,
I will leave these ghosts of you
I will climb onto that train, find a seat that's got no view
And I will take what I need with me, I will not take what I don't
And I will say that I'll be back here but I'll know that I won't
And I will live with empty pockets, I will live with empty sleeves
And I will know that there is nothing in this world I cannot leave
And I will tell my friends I love them,
I will just hope that they know
That I need nobody beside me on this open road"

Kris Delmhorst, "Open Road"

I love this song. I love the message. If you have nerver heard it please research Kris Delmhorst. She is an amazing singer that is so soulful and all of her lyrics are amazing. Just in those first 2 lines it says everything I would love to do.

At this point I am not going anywhere. I have spoken at great length with C about this. Also had a lengthy conversation with my boss. What it boils down to is that I love C. I want to see where this is going. I want to be able to be with him. If I leave this "sweet New England" that will never happen, because just as the song says I know I wouldn't come back.

I also have figured out that the only real reason that I want to leave my job is because of one person. I have battled before and I can do it again. If I leave now it is only giving into her and her stupidity.

So instead I am choosing to stay put, right here in crappy Boston. Am I settling? Possibly. But I am settling for the person and the things that are making me happiest in this moment. I am also still embracing the open road that lies ahead of me. I am embracing the possibilities that lie ahead of me and maybe just maybe i will also leave the ghosts that are haunting me behind.

3:06:22

Matt ran the marathon today-- his second Boston.... in 3:06:22. How is it humanly possible to run that fast?

I can't even walk the half marathon that fast.

scary, superhuman, and highly admirable!

maybe if i somehow talk this out here it will be easier to explain in real life.....

i am at a crossroads.

I am not enjoying my job at all lately. if you work for three quarters of your life shouldn't you enjoy it?

so with that in mind i thought about what i would like to be doing- and where i would like to be

the answer once again is not boston. it's north carolina. don't really know exactly why there- but it is definitely there.

one tiny problem-- or actually a major one. C.

i know he would never move there- not with his daughter up here. i also know i don't want to live my life without him in it. at the same time i'd like to know a little better that he envisions his life with me in it as well- that i am not placing all my faith in something that is truly there.

at the same time if i stay in boston just because of him is that settling?

i told him tonight that i wanted to give it till the end of summer and see where we are at before i make any decisions. but as soon as i said it it sounded like an ultimatum. and that's not how i meant it at all.

i don't care if we are still where we are at at the end of summer as long as it is a little clearer to me where he is at. i'm not ready to live with him yet. im definitely not ready for anything even bigger than that. i just want to know that i am not staying in boston to wait for him to never want anything more.

he told me i need to do what makes me happy. he makes me happy. boston does not make me happy. the hardest part about leaving would be leaving him- i know it wouldn't work long distance. i also know that if i left here i would never come back to live here.

i just don't want him to feel like i want to leave him. i definitely don't. i just want to know that i am staying for the right reasons.

ugh i hate decision making. i hate feeling like i am pressuring him to a larger step. i hate feeling like this. i just want to be able to communicate a little clearer.

anyone have any suggestions.. input.. guidance??

identity

recently there have been situations in my life which have brought up a large question. Do people have to lose themselves as part of being a part of a we.

My answer has always been no. I want to be who I am in my life whether there is another person in it or not. I don't want to be a person who is just a part of a couple and doesn't have an individual identity. I never have. If i have to lose myself to be with a person then that's not the right person for me. Of course I understand that part of being in a relationship means that you add to your personality with this other personality. I jsut don't think that you adopt that person's whole identity as your own. I still want to think for myself, make my own decisions, have what I have always had as important in my life still retain its significance. I don't want to lose me in becoming a we.

One of the things that I love most about c. is that he values this immensely. Not only does he want me to be who I am- he wants me to figure out my identity a little more. He pushes me to find what I truly value in my life, understands that it is still a work in progress and will always be, and believes that only when we bring who we are to the table as individuals can we truly become who we want to be as a couple.

I have always had people in my life that also value this. I don't have friends who need to spend every minute with their significant others. They are their own people, think thier own way, belive in their own beliefs and values and opinions. Even when they get married they retain their identities. That is at least until lately.

I am having a very hard time watching a few friends lose themselves completely in relationships. Everything that was important in their lives suddenly has no value. They no longer spend time as individuals but instead have adopted every part of their so's personalities as well as being attached at the hip to the person. It's not that their so's are bad people at all- at the same time it's so hard to watch anyone become someone that they are not. It's also hard to still stay a part of a person's life when they aren't who you thought they were. It's something I really am having a hard time with.

I just don't want to ever become like that. I guess it's a case of personal preference. It's how stubborn I am in my life that I won't say that of course if I am with C. I have to spend all of my time with him and believe in everything he does and if he doesn't value the friends in my life than tough luck to them. I think there is a middle ground. I definitely don't have the perfect relationship- we struggle with a lot of things- but at the same time I am still me. I'm still catholic, republican (i know i know such a travesty especially with who we have as president), i put my friends high up on my priority list, i love to volunteer, i believe in the good in people. that's my identity. Im proud of it- and too proud to change it for anyone. What i don't get is why people would. If the person wants to change you- or control you- or cause you to lose yourself then how can they be the best person for you.

ok so I think i have lost a few brain cells this weekend.

First of all I read a book all about planning weddings. No I am not planning my own. Just something I have always been interested in. So in the book it talks about the knot.com and how the people on there are known as knotties. they have their planning ideas in their online bios. So after reading about them I decided to check some of them out. and I got scared...very scared. There are people that want to color coordinate their drinkns to their bridesmaid colors to their aisle runners. I also got addicted. I kept clicking and clicking and reading and looking at these fabulous weddings and at these unbelivable dresses. What I can tell you in wedding trends. A lot of people seem to like pink and brown. A lot of people in Boston don't have nice things to say about the state room. The biggest nightmare is not that your marriage will fail but that the bridesmaids shoes won't mix well with the decor.

so if that wasn't enough of a loss of brain cells ... yesterday i got sucked into a marathon of america's next top model on mtv. I don't watch much reality tv. mainly the shows on bravo, top chef and project runway, and i watch idol, but somehow i have now been sucked in by tyra banks. first of all the woman is beyond gorgeous. secondly i truly think she really does care about the girls on the show. and these girls are very pretty. utterly gorgeous. i also like the fact that she had a plus size girl go pretty far in the season that i watched. maybe it's not all that bad after all

so if you have time and feel the need to be mindless catch the next episode and check out some of the women on the knot. it's pretty entertaining.