March 12, 2004

I woke up from my nap in the family room with the entrance of John's dad. I had never been so grateful to see anyone in my life. I was just so happy he had made it and John was still alive.

However John had not woken up since that early morning.

Dana was there and had brought along a bag of stuff for me to wash up and try to feel halfway normal. She would camp out in the family waiting room all day and be there for everyone who came. Pat and Donna and Kathy met with the doctor. He suggested meeting with the hospice people- Kathy would hear nothing of that and unfortunately she was his healthcare proxy.

So we sat around a little alternating going in to see him. Mike came. Kerri nd Jason came. I remember going into the room at one point and Jason- who was John's stepbrother- was just sitting in the chair balling his eyes out. He said he didn't want him to be alone. Emily and Tom came.

His breathing was going steadily downhill and they were trying to keep him relatively comfortable so the morphine dosage kept increasing.

Around 5:oo that afternoon it was clear that decisions were going to have to be made and be made soon. Kathy firmly believed that he should be put on life support to give him a chance with this chemo treatment. The rest of us just wanted him to have some peace. I was not allowed into the conference where everything was decided however about an hour later Mike came up to me and said they had decided to let him go. I had such a strong reaction of misery, relief, and anxiety that i started to pass out and then threw up. I remember Dana coming in with me to the ladies room and me saying that I just didn't know how to do this- how to say goodbye.

I went down the hall and the priest was in the room administering the last rights. Kathy closed the door to keep me out. Pat came out after they were done and said they would leave- he would force Kathy out -so that I could say my goodbyes- as they didn't think it would be very long.

I went into the room and there was my John. They had washed him up and changed his johnny and he just looked so peaceful. I grabbed his hand and told him I loved him. I would always love him. And for the first time that day he opened his eyes. He looked completely at me and said love. Then he closed his eyes again. Everyone came back into the room. We each were holding different parts of him and just watching him breathe as it came slower and slower. Those were agonizing hours- just wondering if each breath was his last.

At about midnight I looked at Pat and he was just exhausted and I knew I was too. I hated leaving but knew that if I didn't I would never make it through whatever the next days held. Mike gave me and Dana a ride o my house- as it was decided she would be with me until he died. I took a shower- left my cell phone with her on the couch- and went to bed.